Infertility meltdown

[HappyAmbler]

Hello ladies

I'm a long time lurker and very occasional poster.

This is really just a rant as I'm feeling so utterly shit this evening - hence the title (was crying when I started writing this ). My DH is asleep upstairs as he has to work tomorrow.

This is my third cycle of clomid and AF has just arrived. We have been ttc #1 for 19 months although in that time I've had 22 cycles.

I'm just feeling totally lost as I was only prescribed three months of clomid, and my next appointment at the NHS fertility clinic isn't until mid Feb - so I'm basically going to have two wasted cycles in between.

We still don't really know what the problem is. DH and I are both 31, his SA was normal, my blood tests and ultrasound were normal, my cycles are pretty regular and I'm fairly certain I ovulate every month (temp rise). The only possible factor is my post ovulation (day 21) progesterone levels are 'borderline'. i.e. they indicate ovulation has occurred but not high enough to sustain pregnancy.

I really thought the clomid would 'fix' this seemingly minor problem. And it has in the sense that my post ovulation progesterone levels have been higher, and my luteal phase has been longer, but I'm still not bloody well up the duff

Apparently the next step is HSG - feeling stupid for not insisting this was done before I started the clomid, but I was so convinced the clomid would work...

I guess I'm just starting to panic now. If we don't know what the problem is, how the hell can it be fixed??

Thanks very much if you've got this far. I'm not sure why I'm posting, just needed to get this off my chest I guess. I don't know anyone in RL who's going through this, so it's just helpful to know there are others out there.

[RubySlippers77]

Good to see you again Happy! I know what you mean about going MIA, sometimes I go a while between posts as I do try to take my mind off the whole TTC issue in general. But, I come back to talk to you lovely ladies when it gets too much for me in RL, or if I think I can offer some support to a post :)

AF did indeed turn up Dulcet, just as bloody expected - pah. At least it hasn't been too painful this month, although not much consolation eh?! I think you may be right with the not OV'ing being the issue rather than the 'irregular' cycles (although if you're not sure, it does suggest that they could have explained that better to you!). What's the next step for you now, is the insotin a possibility?

My weight loss attempts continue very slowly, 1lb per week on average, grrrr. 5lb lost so far this year - would have been more if I hadn't had two weeks of being poorly sick - but I've started the 30 Day Shred again today so hopefully that will kick start things!

Oh and I hope everyone had a great Valentine's weekend with and

[Shellster52]

Just searching through the posts and noticed your name RubySlippers. Talked to you a little while ago and you were in the conundrum of trying to get hubby to put his little fellas in a cup for testing. Any luck so far??

I am STILL waiting to do another round of IVF. My period turned up today after a 15 day cycle. What the?? IVF nurse recommends I wait until after a normal cycle when my body has gone through the normal process of ovulating and then recruiting follicles, so I will have follicles ready for IVF round. Just constantly one thing after another and it just seems I am getting older with no progress until it will be too late.

Sorry to come on this thread and bombard with my vent. Will try to keep up now and see if I can support you on here in return!

[Fankletastic]

Hi ladies

Hope you won't mind if I join in this thread? Sounds like you've all been through it/going through it - that common sense of dispair is what unites us all, I think. I can relate to so many of your experiences and feelings. Especially the anger and envy at other people getting diffed instantly - one of my good friends who only got married in October recently told me she's expecting. I'm like, there's a fucking queue here and some of us should be bloody well first in line when the BFPs are getting dished out!!!!

Ok, rant over. Here's me and my meltdown:

I feel like I've been in one big long never-ending meltdown for 2 years, since my miscarriage. I'm 34 - about to turn 35 :-( - and have been ttc for over 2.5 years in total. With the exception of my one BFP very early on in our TTC efforts (and sadly our loss), there's been not even a whiff of a diff since. That was in Jan 2012. How can I still be here??

We've been termed 'unexplained' which is so utterly useless and, to me, suggests they just can't be arsed spending the time/money figuring out the cause. My HSG and bloods came back normal, although AMH slightly on low side (has anyone else had AMH tested)? DH has had 2 SAs and both were normal. I was put on Clomid for 6 months last Summer and only managed 3 months as hated the side effects (night sweats, mood swings and constipation..yuk). Still don't understand why the put me on Clomid if I'm ovulating naturally.

A friend of mine (now diffed with her 2nd) asked if they'd ruled out endometriosis and pcos. I said I was pretty sure I didn't have either so they hadn't even considered it a possiblity. She was like, well how do you/they know then??? She'd got diffed following a laparoscopy to removed endo on 2 occasions and said it can increase your chances for the first 6 months afterwards. So I went in in November to ask for a lap, expecting to have a battle on my hands, but the FC just said ok and booked me in for late Jan. Amazed! They found I had mild endo and removed it. Even more amazed!

I'm now 4DPO and trying to be realistic that I wont be diffed this month. Who am I kidding? I'm totally getting my hopes up. This does not bode well. I should know better.

Sorry for the long post. Hope everyone is doing ok this week. Any other TWWers? If so, have a

[DulcetMoans]

Hi fankle! How annoying that you have to go and suggest that to them, aren't they the experts?! Fingers crossed for you now though, couple weeks and you'll know!

5lb is fab ruby. A pound of week is a good sustainable loss. Slow, I know, but I'm an advocate for sustainable. Sorry to hear about AF, what a bitch! Back to the shagging now though?

The insotin has been purchased and I am two days in. The tablets are massive. No side affects I've noticed yet. Decided ill give it a couple of cycles.

More waiting shellster, it's all about bloody waiting init. Hopefully your cycles even out soon. Do they recommend anything to help with that? Or just... Waiting?

[needtobediscreet]

Fankle - our IF was unexplained too. I also got put on Clomid for a few months despite ovulating naturally. Like you, I wondered why but apparently it can improve egg quality. I think the consultant thought it was worth a try while we waited for IVF.

[Fankletastic]

Thanks Dulcet and Discreet.
I've certainly wondered about the expertise of some of these professionals. You just feel like a number. We considered private treatment and had a consultation to discuss IVF but I didn't feel any more like an 'individual' if that makes sense.

Discreet- are you moving on to IVF now? Are you considering iui at all? We go back to see consultant next month to discuss next steps so I want to be armed with lots of information as to what the best route might be for us. Had thought bugger it, just go straight to IVF, but wondering if iui is worth a shot.

Could the endo have been a factor all this time, even though they said it was mild? Why is this so bloody confusing? I hate not understanding my body!

[needtobediscreet]

Fankle - we had IVF and conceived on our first cycle.

For us, everything got better - and more personal - once we were finally referred to the NHS Assisted Conception Unit. We had investigations, including a lap and dye for me, and Clomid with the sub-fertility clinic at the local hospital where they don't offer IVF. ( I used to hate those appointments as you had to book in at the main ante natal clinic desk and stand in a line with clearly pregnant women. I would be in tears every time. )

Once at the ACU, IVF was encouraged by our consultant as their view was that with unexplained IF, IUI offers little advantage over just trying naturally. IVF on the other hand gives you a much better chance of fertilisation - ICSI virtually guarantees it if you opt for that - and even if the IVF isn't successful, it can be diagnostic as it can help narrow down what isn't going right in the complicated ovulation-fertilisation-implantation chain. Hope that makes sense and is helpful. It's great you've had the endo removed prior to further treatment. A lap and dye is the gold standard in fertility investigations I was told and is a real bonus prior to starting IVF.

Good luck.

[RubySlippers77]

Hello and welcome Fankle - you are in the right place for a good old rant!! Sending you big hugs anyway, this TTC lark is a bitch isn't it? I am so fed up of seeing people get upduffed without even trying/ wanting to! We're 1 year TTC now and would be eligible for all the NHS treatment we wanted, except OH is too bloody stubborn to admit we should go for it... and without him getting tested there's bugger all I can do, as of course the doctors wouldn't know whether IVF/ IUI/ Clomid was applicable without knowing what the issue (if there is one!) actually is.

AF is still here, Dulcet, so no DTD for me :( CD7 and still no end in sight! At this rate it'll still be here when it's time for the next one.....

15 days Shellster - that's not usual for you is it? Any idea why such a short cycle?

[needtobediscreet]

Ruby - does your OH know that around 30% of infertility issues are due to male factors?!

[Shellster52]

So your still at the mercy of your husband Ruby! How on earth did you talk him into it 5 years ago?? How's the 2014 get fit plan going for both of you? Hopefully that is improving his swimmers.

Frankie. I think we should start our own clinic where we know how to treat people. I have had such a run around with infertility specialists that I could write a novel. I spent all of 2013 at a cheaper IVF clinic to save $$$$, but found I had to go home and do research and tell him what to do. I got better IVF results with my suggestions than with what he said! Still no BFP. Have decided to have one or two goes at a more expensive clinic and FINALLY found a doctor that has the time for me and seems to know her stuff so I feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders and I can trust in her advice for my next IVF.

Oh, and yep - had the AMH test. Was a disgustingly low 2.5pmol/L at age 34 and am now 36!

[Fankletastic]

Thanks everyone for their replies! It is such a boost to hear from people in the same boat since none of my friends or relatives seem to have any trouble starting their families. My DH and I are SO ready to start ours - approaching our 3 year anniversary... We SO want this year to be the year. I can't really explain how much I want it but I know you all understand so I don't have to.

Our experience these last couple of years has really put us through hell. Yet I know there are people who've been through much worse. It's just so horrendously unfair.

Discreet, your experience is most encouraging. Thanks for your helpful response. And Congratulations! How far along are you? Did you find out through ivf why you hadn't managed to conceive naturally? Sorry if this is too nosey. If anything, this experience has taught me just how delicate a dance conception is!

Ruby- perhaps your OH will be less stubborn now that a year has passed. Mine agreed to the SA around the 12 month stage (a year ago). Good luck!

Shellster- sorry you've had the run around at your clinic. Fingers crossed for this attempt. My amh was 14 pmol which is the higher end of the unsatisfactory category...hmmm not awful but not great either. I'm going to be 35 next month and had this test a year ago. I guess all we can do is try to stay positive and keep trying.

Thanks again ladies :-)

[needtobediscreet]

Fankle - I'm pleased to help. My IVF baby is now a toddler! We are so grateful to have him. I was almost 35 when he was born. I remember in our second year of TTC and when going through IF investigations literally everyone I knew got pregnant or gave birth. It was hell and I withdrew sparky socially to a large extent and became very depressed, irrational and unpleasant. My poor DH had to deal with my not coping on top of our IF. The waiting was so hard, as was the seeing babies everywhere part. Since doing IVF ourselves though, I've heard about many friends, and friends of friends, having the treatment and for both primary and secondary IF so it's not as uncommon as it may seem, though it's still taboo. In my circle of mum friends only a couple of them know about our IVF and the general impression I get is that they all conceived quickly and easily. When any conversations arise about how easy it was and when they plan to have number two etc and I feel really uncomfortable and slightly irritated so stay quiet. IF experiences stay with you forever to some extent I think?

The reason for our IF was never explained. DH's test was all normal, my lap and dye and hysteroscopy found nothing wrong. I do have polycystic ovaries as indicated by a scan but don't have polycystic ovarian syndrome as all bloods ane hormones are normal, I have mo classic pcos symptoms and I ovulate on my own it seems. There were no lifestyle issued either - neither DH or I smoke, have never used drugs, are healthy weights and had more or less given up alcohol when TTC. Mystifyingly, all my eggs fertilised and developed well to at least day 3 when we did the IVF too and we were able to transfer a very good quality blastocyst on day 5. I went on to have a textbook pregnancy. IF really is mystifying.

[Shellster52]

Fankle, while I am sure you would like your AMH to be higher, mine was 2.5pmol/L at age 34 so I could only dream of having your result!

I really hope for you that the mild endo was the cause and your journey is over soon. Do you have any more plans for being followed up?

[Fankletastic]

We go to see the consultant on 17 march. Hoping he will then refer us for ivf or iui, whatever we decide. Maybe that's too optimistic though? I've heard that the next 6 months after a lap and dye and the best for conceiving so I'm tempted to wait until summer to give it a chance.

Had a chat with DH about this very thing last night. He thinks we should go straight to ivf and consider a private clinic in case the nhs takes too long. We were out for dinner and I could just feel my emotions kicking in so I had to tell him I couldn't discuss it in a restaurant for fear of crying (I did shed a few tears but a change of subject helped). DH admitted to feeling really down about it too. I just hate this! The fact that we are now talking about assisted conception just makes it feel like we have completely failed to do it ourselves. We are now in our 3rd year of infertility and I'm fucking scared! I want to be positive and hopeful but I feel like it's all a front and I'm kidding myself that we won't need to go through with ivf/iui, burying all this sadness, fear, jealousy and bitterness inside. Some of my good friends are expecting and I just can't face seeing them.

I'm normally a sociable person but I can feel myself withdrawing like you, Discreet. At this rate I'll cut off all my friends and won't have any left!
So glad you got the outcome you wanted with ivf without having to go through multiple attempts. Not sure I could face that. But I hear you on the conversations about number 2 etc - these lucky people seem to think 'oh, it's time for a baby/another baby' and voila: they're up the duff!

How long did you wait after your lap before having ivf?

Sorry again for the long post and being very mememe. I just gotta let it out!

Hugs x

[needtobediscreet]

Fankle - we did the IVF 5 months
after the lap and did 3 (or 4?) Clomid cycles in between. I was also having regular - weekly - acupuncture with a fertility specialist practitioner from just after the lap until the IVF. No idea if it helped at all but was v relaxing, though it cost a fortune. I probably should have just had treatments fortnightly or monthly but I took the practitioner's advice to go for weekly - hmmm! We could afford it, especially as we weren't socialsing much.. I did find the appointments difficult at times though as she also treated lots of pregnant women and we'd often be sat together in the waiting room

[needtobediscreet]

We were v fortunate that there was no waiting list at all at our NHS clinic. I know that's unusual. We've since moved to another part of the UK and if we were having treatment here, the NHS waiting list is almost
3 years!

[Shellster52]

I am glad for you Fankle that your hubby is very supportive and happy to support you in going down the IUI/IVF route. I feel we 100% need IVF to have any chance as my husband has 0% normal sperm. Yet despite this, he laughs at me and my obsession when I get a blood test or say I want to do another round of IVF. I hope your consultation on 17th March gives you a sense of hope in moving forward.

[Fankletastic]

Many many thanks for your words of support, hope and encouragement.
Hugs to you shellster, I really hope your DH will come round to your way of thinking. Everyone deals with it differently- some get depressed, some are matter of fact and some will bury their heads in the sand. I can tell you that DH and I have done all of the above at different times. How long have you been ttc? Was your IVF attempt fairly traumatic for you both?

I think we have been forced to be more practical and realistic now we're into our 3rd year of this shit. We just keep telling ourselves it will happen. But it is hard not to lose faith sometimes. I feel for you. Keep your chin up xx

[Shellster52]

We have done 3 previous IVF's plus one cancelled cycle. They are all traumatic emotionally because you just hope and hope and hope and then you get thrown back down into the world of infertility when it doesn't work. With each one that goes by, it feels more and more like it's never going to work. About to start another IVF so here I go on the emotional roller coaster ride again...

[Fankletastic]

Well good luck with this next round shellster. Fingers and toes crossed this time will be the one that works.
I have such admiration for you for your strength and hope to keep going. I can only imagine how soul destroying a failed IVF must be.

Keep us posted. X

[Shellster52]

A very big sincere thank you Fankle for your kind words. I don't talk about it to my husband or he just thinks I am obsessed and I don't know anyone who is going through what I am. So the internet is the one place I can come for support and your words mean a lot. I hope you get some renewed faith at your appointment on 17th.

[Fankletastic]

That's what we are all here for. This is so bloody hard and we all need to vent sometimes.
I am 10dpo today and trying to keep sane and busy. It's soo hard not to think about it and symptom spot. This is when I start to feel a little bit crazy!

[Shellster52]

Yep, am quite familiar with the symptom spotting. Last IVF, I had a list on my fridge of what should be happening inside me each day so I could know when to feel for things!

[Fankletastic]

Oh wow- a fridge list! That's a whole other level. We do get a bit obsessive don't we?! My only symptom is sore boobs- for the last 5 days (11dpo). I don't have this every month but from time to time so I'm not holding out any hope. And I'm not testing early. No matter how tempting it is, the aftermath is soo depressing. I just mark the arrival of my period with a few glasses of wine...roll on Saturday.

[Shellster52]

I used to do the alcohol on period day thing - but have managed to stop for the past 6 or so months as I want to give IVF max chance. If my IVF fails next cycle, I think I will buy out the bottle shop!

I find it always helps me emotionally to have a plan B for when plan A fails. So if this cycle fails and your period arrives, I hope the fact that you have an appointment coming up to get some assistance can give you a glimmer of hope. In the meantime, enjoy your and have a glass bottle for me!