Infertility meltdown

[HappyAmbler]

Hello ladies

I'm a long time lurker and very occasional poster.

This is really just a rant as I'm feeling so utterly shit this evening - hence the title (was crying when I started writing this ). My DH is asleep upstairs as he has to work tomorrow.

This is my third cycle of clomid and AF has just arrived. We have been ttc #1 for 19 months although in that time I've had 22 cycles.

I'm just feeling totally lost as I was only prescribed three months of clomid, and my next appointment at the NHS fertility clinic isn't until mid Feb - so I'm basically going to have two wasted cycles in between.

We still don't really know what the problem is. DH and I are both 31, his SA was normal, my blood tests and ultrasound were normal, my cycles are pretty regular and I'm fairly certain I ovulate every month (temp rise). The only possible factor is my post ovulation (day 21) progesterone levels are 'borderline'. i.e. they indicate ovulation has occurred but not high enough to sustain pregnancy.

I really thought the clomid would 'fix' this seemingly minor problem. And it has in the sense that my post ovulation progesterone levels have been higher, and my luteal phase has been longer, but I'm still not bloody well up the duff

Apparently the next step is HSG - feeling stupid for not insisting this was done before I started the clomid, but I was so convinced the clomid would work...

I guess I'm just starting to panic now. If we don't know what the problem is, how the hell can it be fixed??

Thanks very much if you've got this far. I'm not sure why I'm posting, just needed to get this off my chest I guess. I don't know anyone in RL who's going through this, so it's just helpful to know there are others out there.

[RubySlippers77]

Hi Dulcet! When is your appointment? Good luck anyway

I am working hard at shifting that stone, but it likes me and wants to stay..... I'm definitely feeling less wobbly than I did over Christmas, but whether or not that will be reflected in Wednesday's weigh in, who knows. I was hoping the new scales would be a good luck charm, but not so far!

CD9 for me today and I'm coughing like someone with a 60 a day habit. At this rate there'll be no DTD for me this month unless my OH bribes me with Lemsip and Sudafed.....

[DulcetMoans]

Hi ruby, appointment was today. Was feeling really positive about it before I went but now feeling a bit glum. Nothing bad happened just... Ya know... Why does this even need to happen?

Anyway, lots more tests to do and next appointment in May so stuff is happening but confirmed I am the problem, not him.

Oh, and saw someone I know in waiting room so now worried about it getting out.

I think a biscuit will make me feel better... Won't help with that stone though!

[RubySlippers77]

Yep, I do know what you mean Dulcet! Every bugger else seems to get knocked up without trying/ accidentally/ whenever they start to think about it, yet for us it hasn't happened. Why?!

Not likely to happen for me at the moment as I still feel like utter poo - my standard outfit is jimjams until I'm feeling considerably better. Not the sexiest, is it?! Just hoping I feel better soon as I was doing so well with the 'get fit and lose weight' resolution until this week and the tonsillitis :(

How well do you know the person you saw in the waiting room - would they even know why you were there? And would they be there for the same thing - they might equally well be worried about you saying something about them?

On the bright side, if the doctor has identified that there is a 'problem' then at least they should have an idea how to solve it, rather than it being unexplained and them trying to guess the best method to help you! Either way, perhaps a nice for you after today :)

[DulcetMoans]

Feeling crappy does not help with the sexy vibe we need to give off, no. Hope you are managing to pretend at least!

The person in the waiting room is from work. Don't know them very well but we share an office and a kitchen. Have already seen her at a distance today. Hoping she doesn't say anything as i've not long been given a promotion so this TTC stuff is a secret at work. She defo saw though and would know why as it was the infertility clinic so I think we all knew why we were there. We managed to avoid each other at first but then they moved us to a smaller waiting area and it was just the four of us (us plus DHs) so couldn't really pretend anymore. She's probably worried like me though.

How was Wednesdays weigh in anyway? Successful I hope!

[RubySlippers77]

Oh blimey, that sounds like an awkward time in the waiting room!! TBH I'm sure she is equally hoping that you don't say anything - after all, how many of us on here have told anyone in RL about our struggles TTC? I've only told one friend, so if anyone I knew casually at work found out I'd be upset/ worried/ frustrated. Is there any chance you could have a quiet word with her just to break the ice; anything like "hope you got on ok the other day"?

CD14 and still no high reading on the CBFM. Even my eggs are lurking indoors in their PJs and not wanting to make an appearance! Until they do I am making bugger all effort, I can tell you - all my energy is going into looking vaguely human when I do have to go out.

Stayed the same on Wednesday. I think this week I won't be so fortunate though, the only thing that tastes nice at the moment is chocolate!

[DulcetMoans]

Any luck from the CBFM yet Ruby?

Not spoken to the girl from work about the clinic but not seen her on her own. I understand what you are saying - she probably is wondering if I will say anything. Not sure I know her well enough to arrange to discuss it as only know her from sharing large office and kitchen/loos!

[MrsBon]

HappyAmbler, I haven't really gone through the entire thread but just read your start up message.. I Hv to say your situation seemed similar to what mine was. Ovulating, everything normal, regular cycles though didn't take clomid.. But 18 months kept trying with no success and yes had many breaking points along the way! Finally had an HSG,n it was bloody painful.. Report wasn't clear but my tubes seemed to be blocked and the consultant asked me to go for key hole surgery to see what they can conclude as HSG wasn't conclusive. Two days after this consultation I got my BFP. God probably took mercy on me and let the tubes clear up with the HSG.. Hope you feel better with my story. Just hang in there and it will happen when the time is right. N go for an HSG. Also Try to keep yourself busy.

[Shellster52]

Wow MrsBon, so two days after you had the HSG dye flushed through your womb, you got your BFP?

Nice to see you here RubySlippers after chatting with you on the other thread. Feeling any better? Hope you are enjoying the chocolate!

[RubySlippers77]

LOL Shellster, there was lots of chocolate!! Just managed to avoid scoffing two Bountys in a row most days!

The CBFM went straight to Peak from Low Dulcet, so I'm a bit confused about that, but don't have the energy to worry about it. I've run out of the sticks now anyway for this month (thanks Amazon for not posting them straight away, very helpful!) so nothing I can do till next month. Have you bumped into the lady from your office yet?

The guy I sit next to (and once had a very brief fling with) at work keeps showing me photos of his daughter, which I find really difficult. I know he's only doing it because he's so proud of her but as she was a 'surprise' as well, it's like salt in the wound to me!

Congratulations on your BFP MrsBon :)

[DulcetMoans]

I had that with the flashing smiley sticks ruby - straight into solid with no build up. I have given up on them for a bit. Never tried the monitor though but I hope you stepped to it when your peaked!

Haven't seen her to talk to, but caught her eye a couple times and seen her in a group. Not sure whether to say anything...?

Can you get a new seat away from the guy? Doesn't sound like a fun seat at the best of times if you had a fling - awkward!

[RubySlippers77]

I haven't even bothered switching the thing on for the past couple of days Dulcet - run out of sticks and am not sure how accurate it was this month anyway! Sod it, I'll start again from the next cycle when hopefully I won't be poorly sick...

It's a pretty awkward situation but perhaps you could just make eye contact with the lady and smile rather than saying anything? At least if she knows you are an approachable person she'll feel happier about things - after all, you might be able to support each other!

Unfortunately I can't move desks as the office is pretty packed, so there's nowhere to move to; also I'd have to have a good reason for moving away from the rest of the team. TBH I don't mind it often, he's a great guy and we are good friends, I just find if difficult to cope with hearing about his daughter - and although I think he'd be understanding,I don't really want to explain that to him

[DulcetMoans]

I've never really looked into the CBFM ruby but doesn't sound like you recommend it.

There probably is a knowing look between us at least. Maybe that's all I need. If the doc said the same to her as me she will be back in 4 months anyway so might see her there again!

Chips for tea, yay!

[RubySlippers77]

Do you know what Dulcet, generally I would recommend it (well if you can get it for about £30 on ebay as I did - it's extortionate via Boots/ Amazon!!), I just couldn't be arsed this month. My cycle was obviously wonky from being poorly, we seem to have tried for ages and got nowhere, and I thought fuck it, why am I bothering?! AF due at the weekend, once that's out of the way I'll start it up again.....

Chips!! I had a horrible journey home, I live just outside London and the traffic was a nightmare - I was at a work event all day, should have taken me an hour to get home and it took me over an hour and a half. Had soup for tea (definitely less exciting!) but am enjoying a glass of cava now

[RubySlippers77]

Blimey. I don't know what the last poster said for MNHQ to delete it!

I'm home alone, feeling a bit sad - been out for a meal for my friend's 50th birthday, which was lovely, but they all have (grown up!) children and I haven't even started yet :( and it doesn't look likely at this rate :( :( AF due tomorrow, so I may do a PG test in the morning; not because I have much hope of a BFP, more to rule it out and stop me thinking "oooh maybe" really.

OH is out at a birthday too so will no doubt will roll in steaming drunk and stinking of Sambuca at some point. I'm going to set my alarm for an annoyingly early time tomorrow morning and go to the gym, seeing as I haven't been drinking.

Sigh! Off to bed with a book in the absence of a more exciting alternative.....

[DulcetMoans]

It was an advert for some psychology thing relating to infertility. Nothing rude just touting for business.

Did you do a test this morning then ruby? Fx you got a surprise!

Things like that are hard, and family gatherings when you know it's the question everyone wants to ask. Hope you had a nice time anyway, nothing to say your 50th can't be similar in a few (many!) years time! Just taking a bit longer to get started...

[RubySlippers77]

I see! Bit naughty though, hence why it was deleted. That does remind me, I must let my reflexologist know if I'm going back, I still haven't decided - started going for fertility reasons, but seems to have done bugger all good in that direction! I do enjoy it but it's £50 a pop so not the cheapest form of relaxation.

I did test this morning, BFN, AF must be just round the corner. TBH I'm finding the whole thing so dispiriting at the moment (as you can probably tell!) that I have no enthusiasm at all for it. Must nag talk to my OH about going for his test; I'm at the point where I think, why am I bothering looking for extra things to help ME when it seems likely that the issue is with HIM? He was out last night for a 40th birthday party and his chav scum friend Evil Cow was out too (he hadn't mentioned that, funnily enough) so between that and him writing off today with a hangover, I'm not best pleased with him anyway.

My parents don't ask, to be fair - they have one grandchild but they're not the type to spend loads of time with small children, therefore one is plenty! OH's parents however spend their time looking accusingly/ hopefully at us.....

[RubySlippers77]

Bored now waiting for AF. Bored bored bored.

How come the months when I'm really hopeful, it arrives early, then the months I know we had very little chance, I'm now two days late?! It's just bloody annoying, that's what it is!

[DulcetMoans]

Have you been POAS to keep check? There is way too much waiting involved in this whole process!

Mine went the other way this month - 23 day cycle lasting only 3 days. Annoyingly in the month that I had my second 21 day blood test. Makes no sense to me! Thinking I might try and book a couple days of around ov time and try not to stress. See if it helps.

It's the wishful looks and statements that make it worse too. My in laws have stopped saying anything too obvious but I know its on their mind whenever I am there. Just looking for signs that maybe I might be!

[RubySlippers77]

LOL Dulcet, I couldn't agree more... Far, far too much waiting!! I did POAS on Sunday (AF due day) and nothing, thought I might as well rule it out. Won't test again till Fri/ Sat now but hoping I won't need to!

Is 23 days very short for you? I'm usually 25 to 28 days (but now on CD30!), however the later it is the more painful it usually is too :( and yes, very irritating about your test too. I've had two lots of the blood tests now with nothing wrong, so who knows.

My in laws also have a special hopeful look - their youngest grandson is 6 now and growing up fast - they want another little one to spoil!!

[DulcetMoans]

Well I told the doctor last month that I am usually 27-29 days but looking at my app I have been 30, 29, 30, 28, 26 last few months so who knows any more! When I told him I was 27-29 I thought that was pretty standard but he wrote down 'irregular cycles'. I didn't consider that irregular but a 23 day-er I do!

Good on you if you can hold out until Fri/Sat. I'm a bugger for testing if I have them in the house. The solution has been to make sure they aren't in the house... But you are right, if AF is coming you just want it here already!

[RubySlippers77]

I wouldn't have said 27 - 29 days was irregular either? I told my doctor I was 26 - 28 days and he said that was fine, as long as you're OV-ing (which I am, according to the blood tests and my monitor!) that's the main thing. If I wasn't, obviously there's other things they can do to help you, but it didn't apply to me.

Don't think I will need to hold on that long, fairly sure AF will be along tomorrow :( and then I will be a sad mess again :( :( honestly, I always say I won't get my hopes up but then I do. Everyone else seems to get their BFP within a few tries and it just seems unfair.....

Aarrrggghhh. Off to play badminton soon so hopefully will be out of self pitying mode by then!

[principalitygirl]

Clomid didn't work for me either. I'd had a lap and dye and hysteroscopy before starting it though - consultant wouldn't give it until I'd had those to rule out blocked tubes etc.

I did conceive on IVF #1 though. Am so thankful. I found the waiting and investigations almost intolerable though and became very depressed. I'd recommend a book called 'When you're not expecting...'
Also contact Infertility Network for help and details of local groups. Acupuncture is v helpful for both fertility and stress too. Good luck.

[HappyAmbler]

Hi everyone! [waves]

Flicking through MN on the train and pleased to see the thread I started is still here! I think I said further up that I'm rubbish at replying to emails/texts/threads...

I guess that the real reason I've been MIA is that one of my ways of coping is to try not to think about it. So I've been avoiding MN.

Sadly, didn't get a post clomid BFP

Fertility clinic appointment yesterday (which led to a bit of a meltdown last night). As expected, next step is HSG. Annoyingly, I don't think I'll be able to have it this cycle as I'm away at a conference.

Gotta go as nearly at my station. Might pop back this weekend. Happy Friday everyone

[DulcetMoans]

My bloods indicate in not ovulating ruby, so maybe that changed his opinion. Who knows! But in reality I am looking at 23-30 cycles so maybe that is more irregular! What's the progress anyway, did AF turn up??

Good to see you back ambler! Sorry you've had a difficult time, we are still here waiting and cheering for you though. When does HSG start?

I heard about a new thing this week - insotin I think it was called. Something like that, good for PCOS which is a potential issue for me. Might give it a go...