Infertility meltdown

[HappyAmbler]

Hello ladies

I'm a long time lurker and very occasional poster.

This is really just a rant as I'm feeling so utterly shit this evening - hence the title (was crying when I started writing this ). My DH is asleep upstairs as he has to work tomorrow.

This is my third cycle of clomid and AF has just arrived. We have been ttc #1 for 19 months although in that time I've had 22 cycles.

I'm just feeling totally lost as I was only prescribed three months of clomid, and my next appointment at the NHS fertility clinic isn't until mid Feb - so I'm basically going to have two wasted cycles in between.

We still don't really know what the problem is. DH and I are both 31, his SA was normal, my blood tests and ultrasound were normal, my cycles are pretty regular and I'm fairly certain I ovulate every month (temp rise). The only possible factor is my post ovulation (day 21) progesterone levels are 'borderline'. i.e. they indicate ovulation has occurred but not high enough to sustain pregnancy.

I really thought the clomid would 'fix' this seemingly minor problem. And it has in the sense that my post ovulation progesterone levels have been higher, and my luteal phase has been longer, but I'm still not bloody well up the duff

Apparently the next step is HSG - feeling stupid for not insisting this was done before I started the clomid, but I was so convinced the clomid would work...

I guess I'm just starting to panic now. If we don't know what the problem is, how the hell can it be fixed??

Thanks very much if you've got this far. I'm not sure why I'm posting, just needed to get this off my chest I guess. I don't know anyone in RL who's going through this, so it's just helpful to know there are others out there.

[RubySlippers77]

Mine was 30 days this month Dulcet, compared to 25 - 28 pre-TTC and worrying about it :( BUT, I did work out that I've been taking these B50 supplements for a while now to try to increase my luteal phase - I'm vegetarian and it seemed the best way to do it, as I don't OV till around day 18, so my luteal phase was quite short. In other words, my body can't win, seems like my LP is now longer but then of course I'm fretting about my cycle being longer too! Oh dear oh dear.

Well, it got to Friday and the GP still hadn't phoned my OH about the SA, so I phoned the doctors myself to chase it up. The GP we saw wasn't working that day but the receptionist promised me he will be calling OH tomorrow to follow it up. We shall see..... I dropped off my new patient forms there too as I thought we might as well be at the same surgery, should either or both of us need further investigation/ treatment. Just annoying, I wanted to strike whilst the iron is hot AKA OH being receptive to the idea!

No, my boss is still being an arse about the holidays, under the guise of it being 'better for my health and less stressful' if I just pick the holiday times that he wants me to have. Because of course it isn't stressful at all him picking holes in everything I ask for and refusing holidays for no apparent reason.....

[RubySlippers77]

Forgot to say though, I do feel better in general for OH agreeing to take some (albeit not very difficult!) action, makes me feel that I'm not struggling along on my own in vain. Saw friends of his last night who have a 2 year old, and if they worked into the conversation once more that they thought we should have a baby NOW, I think I would have screamed. People can be so bloody insensitive at times! To be fair, OH trotted into Holland & Barrett today to get his supplements that the GP recommended, so he seems to be taking it seriously too. Once my foot's better and I'm not hobbling along I'll be back to the running, as that's helped with some weight loss and makes me generally less of a grumpy monster during AF.

For now, I'm trying to find 'smart beachwear' for a forthcoming work do - where can I buy a maxi dress that doesn't make me look like Demis Roussos?!

[DulcetMoans]

Who the hell is Demi whatever?!

How odd, really similar situation to you ruby! Short LP (10 days) so started taking something from H&B to try lengthen it which might explain the long cycle but still panicked. I don't want longer cycles, just longer LP! Just no winning.

Friends and family can be really insensitive. Had MIL on my case two weekends running. Telling me all the benefits of having a baby. Even a walk along the beach was bloody baby spotting and 'wouldn't it be good if we were pushing a pram'. Verge of telling her but can't take it back once it's said.

Went running today and was too hot for it, I don't recommend it! Haha. Hope you get a call tomorrow. If nothing by lunch get onto them! Keep momentum while you can!

[RubySlippers77]

Well done on the running Dulcet! I did go yesterday after work, but Paula Radcliffe I am not :-(

GP finally called yesterday, they have left a pot with instructions for OH to collect, which he says he'll do tomorrow. I think by this time we'd both just like to know what (if anything) is wrong - after all, if his tests are fine then I'll be having more, and they won't be pleasant!

Grrrr to your MIL. Mine looks hopefully at me every time I see her but hasn't (yet) hinted at prams...

In better news, friends of ours have just had a little girl after three years of trying, so there's hope for everyone!!

[RubySlippers77]

PS I have (reluctantly) invested in more test sticks for the CBFM - can't help feeling they are a waste of time, but I thnk it may be a necessary evil to prove to the GP that we're serious about this whole TTC lark!

[RubySlippers77]

Just phoned the hospital to book in the test. They have no appointments for a month!!!

Quite dispirited now with the whole TTC thing. Why can't we just get sprogged up as soon as we think about it as everyone else bloody seems to?! Pah.

[DulcetMoans]

Is that a month for the pot test? We had to wait three weeks for ours too, the good thing is the results are quite quick but it's more waiting.

Are you back on board with the CBFM? Still haven't invested and not sure it will help anyway!

Sorry you feel so down with it all. I can't offer much as I don't feel much better about it all myself but I will say that there's no chance of getting there if we don't get on it so we just have to keep going!

[RubySlippers77]

That's the one! Booked him in for it anyway - if I hadn't then it wouldn't have happened - and then we get the results a week to 10 days after that. I tried to book a doctor's appointment for then too but they don't release appointments that far ahead.....

I did carry on with the CBFM, less for me and more to prove to the GP/ fertility clinic (should it get that far) that we're serious about this and have tried what we can ourselves. Plus I do seem to OV quite late (around day 18) so it's helpful to know that it's not strictly day 14, as a lot of the books still say! I would say that I wouldn't pay the best part of £100 for the CBFM, got mine from ebay for around £30 which is far more reasonable.

Feeling a bit more optimistic about the whole thing after a few days away chilling out - it does help talking to OH about 'our kids' and what we'll do with then - I think that's what motivated him in the end to agree to the test! Back to work tomorrow, aaarrrggghhhh, but have a doctor's appointment in the morning so that will break up the day. This is partly to find out what's wrong with my foot as it's still very painful, and partly to ask to be referred for more tests - who knows how long that will take on the waiting list!!

[RubySlippers77]

Been to doctors - bit tearful - stupid really as he's referring me to the gynae clinic so I'm getting what I wanted!! He was very kind and said not to stress (wish it was as easy as that!) and that possibly they would find something wrong which is easily put right; if not, we'd be on the list for IVF. My initial appointment should be through soon but then obviously it may take a while for further tests...

Oh and the weight loss starts here - the unkind machine told me my BMI is 26.5 which is no doubt something they will tell me to improve!!

[DulcetMoans]

Oh Ruby, sorry it made you sad but it is a positive move at least. Hope the appointment comes through quick. Mine took an age from docs to clinic but I did all the tests in the mean time which was good as at least it felt like progress. Did you get any indication of timescales from them?

Is 25 the limit for BMI? You aren't far off. I lost 5 stone when I started TTC, it's amazing what you can do when you really get into it but it is not easy. In fact, I find it harder to lost when there is less to lose if that makes sense.

I hope you are ok!

[ohfourfoxache]

BMI has to be between 19 and 30 for active treatment - please, please, please, if you want to lose weight then obviously go for it, but please don't let this be something else to feel pressured by

[RubySlippers77]

Thanks Dulcet - the GP said he was going to write to the hospital today so the initial appointment should be through within the next few weeks. As far as I know I'd then be referred on to the fertility clinic, assuming I'm not upduffed by then! OH should have his SA results by that time too, in which case we'll know what we're dealing with. Apparently if his results are similar to what they were 5 years ago at his last SA, they won't bother repeating the test, but if there's been much change then they will. The GP did say my blood test results were very good though, the only bright bit of the day so far!

And a big well done on losing 5 stone, amazing!!

Thank you too ohfour - I do want to lose some weight to feel healthier in general, maybe this is the kick I need! I haven't been in the 'overweight' bracket for over 10 years so it's depressing to find myself back here. Think I need a day or two to adjust and then I'll be cracking on with my weight loss planning.....

[ohfourfoxache]

Fancy doing it together?

I've just gone from being obese to "just" overweight. Not bad for someone who was chronically underweight S a kid

Dulcet that's incredible!

[RubySlippers77]

That would be fab ohfour! I'm going to order the Harcombe diet 30 day blitz (as I clearly need lots of kicking to keep going!!) - only problem is, I'm away with work for a few days next week, so won't be able to start until probably a week on Monday really hoping to have had my gynae appointment through by then. Are you planning a big 'start date' or is it an ongoing thing for you? And well done on your weight loss too!!

I did go for a 2 mile run today and didn't feel exceptionally puffed out, will try increasing the distance next time..... I think I need to control the food side more, do love my carbs but have to admit, cutting them out did lose the lb's for me.

Just been reading your posts about the clinic tests on another thread, will reply on there, but thank you for all the info!

[DulcetMoans]

Thanks ladies! I know it is really hard and I am not finished yet but I found routine to be a key solution. And portion control. That was a biggie! I agree with ohfour though, do it cos you want to not because of a number on BMI. I don't really trust that thing much anyway!

Well done on the run ruby! Half the struggle is convincing yourself to get out the door! haha.

[RubySlippers77]

Thanks Dulcet - no run today but hopefully back tomorrow :-)

Portion control and routine are important for me too, not least because I'm very lazy with shopping and cooking, so the less thought and effort that goes into it the better!

[ohfourfoxache]

Run?

Erm, that's exercise



In all seriousness, bloody well done - 2 miles and you're not puffed out? That's brilliant!

[DulcetMoans]

Today exercise is a bad thing - twisted ankle when running and now can't really put weight on it! It's dangerous! You have the right idea ohfour!

I'm getting towards that hopeful time of the month again, just after oving so anything could happen! Right? Or not as has been the case so far!

[RubySlippers77]

Ouch Dulcet!! My foot is still a bit painful with the metatarsalgia, but TBH the main problem for me this week has been time - I'm away with work for a few days (starting Tuesday) and OH had really important paperwork to finish before I went (he's self employed) so we spent all our evenings doing that. Fun, eh?! Now I'm having to pack for a stupid work trip I don't even want to go on, whilst knowing that being away coincides with my fertile time. Grrrrr!

Thank you ohfour - hopefully I will be running again soon, but for the moment I'm just bloody knackered, looking forward to next Saturday and finally getting a lie in.....

[DulcetMoans]

Did you get a quickie in before you left at least Ruby? Work gets in the way of EVERYTHING! Not happy it is Monday at all.

[RubySlippers77]

LOL LOL

Yes, we did actually Dulcet - ah, how well you know this TTC lark!! I was knackered but thought, it needs to be done (how romantic!) - and then after all that, the bloody monitor showed Low fertility anyway! I think my eggs are knackered too and not bothering this month...

[DulcetMoans]

Glad you got one more go in. Always worth a go. Will you be back in time for one more over the critical period??

Another countdown begins here. 6 days to AF, only one more time after this before the more invasive tests. Booo!

[DulcetMoans]

No Christmas baby for the Dulcet household, cycle 19 has ended after 23 stupid days. What is up with these cycle lengths?! Feeling inwardly distraught but trying not to show it. Mainly just want to scream out of frustration, what more can I do?!

Now there is one more go before back to the clinic for the intrusive testing with cameras! I appreciate that we are going to get that support but resentful that we have to even have it.

There ends my own infertility meltdown! Well... For now...

[RubySlippers77]

Sorry to hear that Dulcet! It'll be an early 2015 baby for you then :)

My cycle seems to have been even more delayed, didn't OV till CD23 according to the CBFM. Mind you, that might be because I was flat out earlier in the week getting ready for the work trip! It was knackering and I'm still suffering from the after effects but good fun, maybe it was what I needed to get away from things for a while (er, whilst working, sadly!).

OH has his SA on the 22nd and I've got my first clinic appointment on the 24th - not sure what to expect as I think this is just the initial 'fact finding' and then the actual tests would be at a later date. For now I just feel like a failure really; in a way I'd even prefer to find out that OH had an issue, as then at least it wouldn't be my fault. I don't know if that sounds harsh but I think people (including OH!) tend to assume it's the woman's fault, whereas in our case I think it's more likely to be his.

That said, he has REALLY pissed me off tonight - I know I could do with losing half a stone or so, but I'm not exactly Giant bloody Haystacks - however all he's gone on about is that I used to be a size 8, usually he goes for girls with small bums, if only I could have big boobs AND a small bum etc etc. The last straw was when I commented that the work T shirts this year had been on the small size when usually they are enormous, and he said "so you're not a medium then, you're a large" - at which point I told him to stop being so f*ing rude and walked out. Am currently in the bedroom in a fine old strop. And even more annoyingly, he weighs 20 stone so isn't exactly in a position to comment!!

[RubySlippers77]

Day 32 now, no AF and no BFP (I didn't think there would be, but did a test just in case). I may stay off the B50 next cycle as it seems to have massively extended them, from 25 days to over 30 - although if it's extending the LP too then maybe that's a good thing?!

Been away with work and away with OH, have definitely put on some more pounds :( will try to stay away from the Easter eggs before my appointment on the 24th.....