Infertility meltdown

[HappyAmbler]

Hello ladies

I'm a long time lurker and very occasional poster.

This is really just a rant as I'm feeling so utterly shit this evening - hence the title (was crying when I started writing this ). My DH is asleep upstairs as he has to work tomorrow.

This is my third cycle of clomid and AF has just arrived. We have been ttc #1 for 19 months although in that time I've had 22 cycles.

I'm just feeling totally lost as I was only prescribed three months of clomid, and my next appointment at the NHS fertility clinic isn't until mid Feb - so I'm basically going to have two wasted cycles in between.

We still don't really know what the problem is. DH and I are both 31, his SA was normal, my blood tests and ultrasound were normal, my cycles are pretty regular and I'm fairly certain I ovulate every month (temp rise). The only possible factor is my post ovulation (day 21) progesterone levels are 'borderline'. i.e. they indicate ovulation has occurred but not high enough to sustain pregnancy.

I really thought the clomid would 'fix' this seemingly minor problem. And it has in the sense that my post ovulation progesterone levels have been higher, and my luteal phase has been longer, but I'm still not bloody well up the duff

Apparently the next step is HSG - feeling stupid for not insisting this was done before I started the clomid, but I was so convinced the clomid would work...

I guess I'm just starting to panic now. If we don't know what the problem is, how the hell can it be fixed??

Thanks very much if you've got this far. I'm not sure why I'm posting, just needed to get this off my chest I guess. I don't know anyone in RL who's going through this, so it's just helpful to know there are others out there.

[MrsCakesPremonition]

You've had lots of great ideas already and I've not got much to add, only that I was prescribed 3 cycles of Clomid when we'd been ttc our first baby for 2.5 years. There was nothing particularly wrong, everything was a bit borderline, but the GP gave us the Clomid as a first step.

I took the 3 cycles, nothing happened, then I fell pregnant naturally the very next cycle with my wonderful 10yo DD. I don't know if it was coincidence, or the Clomid kick starting stuff.

Fingers crossed for you.

[DulcetMoans]

Oh ambler, started reading this yesterday and went to post but DH got in bed and had to pay him attention.

Many of us have felt and do feel exactly like you. I agree that it feel like everyone else manages it straight away and there are babies and bellies everywhere but I just try to remember that their fertility does not affect mine. Although I did go to a three year old birthday party last month that was particularly tough - never again!

The comments and questions are tough, especially around Christmas I have found. In laws dying to be grandparents, I know that, but it's so styling I can't give them. And I don't want to talk to them about it, too hard. I should get a line prepared too actually...

But we have to remember that, one way or another, we will get there.

[HappyAmbler]

I'm back! Got to sleep at about 3am last night, so had a bit of a lie in this morning So glad I'm not going back to work until Monday!

Just wanted to say thanks again to everyone who has replied to me. It's so much appreciated.

Thanks for your story MrsCakes. You have inspired me not to give up on this cycle in case the clomid has managed to give my hormones a kick up the arse!

Dulcet I'm so sorry you're going through this. Re "their fertility does not affect mine" - I say the same thing to myself. Although sometimes the unfairness of it all does get the better of me.

I've spoken a bit to my MIL about this as she had problems too - my DH is a clomid twin. It's actually easier than talking to my mum, who tries to be helpful but doesn't really know what to say (apparently she got instantly upduffed with me and my brother).

I'm imagining a thread in the future where we all reminisce about how shit it was before we finally got our babies

[CosyTeaBags]

Just wanted to add another voice of support Ambler

I can totally relate to everything that has been said here - it's crap, month after month it can really get you down.

I made matters difficult for myself by telling all of my friends that we are TTC - there are good reasons for this, but I really regret it now. People ask me all the time how things are going... well I'm clearly not pregnant, so how do you think it's going?!

Please keep talking to people in RL, and keep posting on MN, there is a wealth of knowledge and support here to get you through the crap times.

[HappyAmbler]

Hi Cosy

Thanks so much for your reply. I'm so glad I decided to post on here - hearing from others in a similar situation is so helpful.

I have my fingers and toes crossed for you and everyone on here!

[RubySlippers77]

Hi all, I completely agree with everything on here - especially the bit about tactless people saying "don't you want kids then?", "don't hang around, your biological clock's ticking!" and OH's friend saying to me "come on, give him a child!" - all meant kindly but GRRRRRR. We've only been TTC for 9 months but it feels much longer, particularly when other people seem to get upduffed as soon as they start trying :( :( I KNOW that logically, that isn't the case - but really it seems to be when I would just love to be PG and it's not bloody happening.

However, 2014 is going to be the year for all of us to get those BFPs, ladies..... and we have each other to talk to in the meantime!!

[lekkerslaap]

Chin up!

Remember, there is always someone who will be worse off than you. I am fast approaching 43 and have been trying for 4.5 years without success. At least time is on your side and I am sure you will get there eventually.

Best of luck

[RubySlippers77]

Thank you lekkers, and the best of luck to you too :)

At least we have each other to talk to - my OH has no clue about the level of detail that has gone into TTC, his eyes start to glaze over when I even mention tests!!

[HouseyStuff]

Ambler, I just wanted to say, please don't lose hope. When we were long term TTC I always found Christmas and the turn of the year particularly hard. Another year had passed and I wasn't pregnant.

I had 8 cycles of clomid to conceive DC#1. I ovulated each cycle with the clomid (I wasn't before) but it just took time and patience to get that BFP.

I also found it difficult to talk to my mum about our struggles. She tried really hard to be supportive but had no idea of what I was going through.

Incidentally, I am now 8 months pregnant with DC#2, having conceived very quickly once we started trying. A HUGE surprise after all the heart ache and difficulties getting pregnant first time round!

[HappyAmbler]

Hi everyone -thanks again for your replies.

A few days later and I'm feeling a bit more positive.

lekkers and Ruby - fingers crossed for both of you

Housey - congratulations on #2! Sounds like getting diffed the first time kicked whatever the problem was into touch. I hope the same happens for me, as I really want more than one!

Any way, my new motto for 2014 is get diffed or die tryin'

Ok, so I'm not planning to go that far but I'm gonna give it everything I've got

Went to my first body pump class today (all part of the get fit plan). Not sure I'm going to be able to move tomorrow... but hopefully I will recover in time to start the monthly sex marathon - bring it on!!!

[RubySlippers77]

How are you feeling today after the body pump class Happy? I once went to a British Military Fitness class and couldn't move without pain for about a week. I'm such a wuss!

Sigh - tricky day today for me - one of my work colleagues was in showing photos of his very cute baby daughter. I can't even look at them, which probably doesn't make me a very nice person, but I find it too upsetting to admire them or comment on them. Ironically we even had a bit of a fling a few years back and thought about giving it a go as a couple, but decided not to as we work together; lovely chap, we get on great and now he has an (unplanned) 2 month old with a subsequent GF. Not that I want him to be unhappy - I'd just love a little one of my own :(

So, the plan for today is to set up some more positive affirmations on my phone - I use the my diet coach app, which is (as the name suggests!) for dieting, but you can use it to remind you about anything. I use it to send myself nice messages, bit sad but it works! As Janet Street Porter says - you may as well tell yourself you're bloody brilliant, because no-one else will

[DulcetMoans]

Never heard of that ruby but what a great idea. We all need a pick me up every now and again, even if is from ourselves!

I'm a regular goer normally but had the break over Christmas. Meant to be first day back today but have ended up sat in the vets instead. Not quite the exercise I was expecting...

Lets all book a lovely holiday to get us through Jan!

[RubySlippers77]

LOL Dulcet, yes, I would claim the idea is mine but I got it from JSP! Her two books - Life's Too Fing Short and Don't Let the B**ds Get You Down - are well worth a flick through to restore some self esteem they are full of common sense sayings like making you see that you're never going to look like a model, even the models don't look like models without an army of helpers!!

Oh dear, pet problems? I'm off to dance class shortly and am considering (only considering so far!) restarting the 30 Day Shred tomorrow.

Holiday!!! Marvellous plan :) :)

[HappyAmbler]

Ruby I'm broken! It can't be natural to do that many squats/ lunges. My thighs are killing me!

I like the idea of a bit of positive affirmation will have a look into that app.

[HappyAmbler]

Ack, posted too soon. Don't feel bad about your work colleague. As ohfour said to me up thread, you're having a crap time and need to focus on yourself.

An ex colleague came to work a few weeks ago. As soon as she announced her pregnancy I had to make my excuses and go and cry in the toilets

[HappyAmbler]

Dulcet I hope whatever animal led to the trip to the vets is OK!

I've been organising fun things to look forward to. Having a spa day in a couple of weeks and hoping to book a sunny holiday in Feb

[DulcetMoans]

Oh she's fine! We got a kitten at Christmas so just her jabs. She's a good thing to focus on when in TTC woes!

[Shellster52]

Hi HappyAmbler

Not exactly sure what to type as I just want to provide a solution for you to help your pain - but I don't have one!

When you said you have no real point to your thread but just needed to vent, I knew exactly how you felt. We have been trying to coneceive for 2+ years. Have been through 3 failed IVF's and am seeing a new IVF clinic this afternoon. Trying to stay practical and just think logically about why each IVF has failed and try to correct this problem for the next time, but its one emotional roller coaster.

I used to have an 'infertility penpal'. We would message back and forth and it was really helpful to have one person that knew my story and was in the same situation. I am happy to chat back and forth as a place for you (and me!) to vent if you feel that would help? Let me know or you can PM me.

Let us know how you get on when you call the clinic.

[RubySlippers77]

Hi Happy, glad you are feeling better! I am (generally) more positive at the moment, and the affirmations do help (bizarrely!) - give it a try, it's free and the worst that will happen is you feel a bit silly when you keep reading about how great you are my current face is 'I am super fertile and my reproductive system is excellent', if that helps!

Can't remember if I recommended the Marisa Peer 'Trying to get pregnant' book to you? It was recommended by another lovely lady on here and she talks about the affirmations too, I just added the bit about using an app! I do find it a useful book in general, it has a very positive outlook and it feels like I'm doing something productive to help conceive.

Shellster, so sorry to hear about your IVF rollercoaster. I do hope you have better luck very soon xx

[HappyAmbler]

Back again

Shellster Thanks very much for your reply. I think the 'infertility penpal' idea is lovely, but I'm not sure it would be the right thing for me - I'm rubbish at replying to emails/texts/MN threads! Hopefully you can find someone else on here

I hope the appointment went well. I wish you the best possible luck with whatever the next step is for you.

Ruby I now have a positive affirmations app on my phone. They're all generic at the mo. They're a bit silly really, which makes me smile, so I guess they're sort of working

Just looked up the Marisa Peer book and I'd quite like to give it a go, but it's not available to download on Kindle for some reason - gah! Not sure I want to be reading the paperback on the train...

[erilou38]

This infertility crap really does get to you. I'm 38, been trying for 19 months and had a diagnosis 2 weeks ago at infertility clinic as menopausal. Arrrrrgh!!!!!!!! I'm still not going to give up though. Have been offered Clomid so gonna give it a go and pray for a miracle. I cry every day almost thinking about never being able to get pregnant and give birth again.

[RubySlippers77]

I had a meltdown yesterday (appropriately, given the title of the thread!) - AF arrived a day early, I wasn't expecting a BFP or anything given how mixed up my cycle had been, but still..... managed to get through the workday (grumpily) but then had to take myself out of dance class to blub. Blubbed all evening and most of the night until 1.30am - think my OH was a bit stunned, he did try to be supportive but dozed off! Pah - men

Bit better today but still wobbly and rather gutted. If only I knew it would all be ok in the end, that it would happen in x amount of time, I'd be fine about it. Of course no-one can, hence weepy me.....

I don't know what's caused it, but all of a sudden I am ridiculously broody!!

Happy - I checked Amazon for you but it does seem like the Marisa Peer book isn't on the Kindle any more! How odd. It definitely was, because that's how I bought it! Hope the apps are helping a bit :)

[DulcetMoans]

It's understandable ruby, we all meltdown. In fact I'm having mine tonight! My insides are falling out i think, worst AF in a long while. We really tried so hard over Christmas, took the opportunity of time of to just keep at it and for nothing!

Pfft. I'm just going to lay on the sofa and sulk all night.

[RubySlippers77]

Sorry to hear that you were in meltdown mode too, Dulcet. I hope a night on the sofa helped - sometimes there's nothing for it but sulking, oh, and maybe a large glass of wine and some chocolate!!

So bloody unfair isn't it? I timed everything as well as I could over December/ early Jan, and we were both nice and relaxed as we weren't working. The health kick started Jan 2nd and I have to say I do feel better for it - perhaps when I've lost this last stone or so that I want to drop, that will help with our efforts.

I don't think my OH has any idea how hard I find it when AF arrives, he just thinks "oh well" and moves on (If he thinks about it at all!), but I found it particularly hard as a friend has started posting photos of her new baby on FB, and she is very cute indeed. I just want to be a mummy :( :(

[DulcetMoans]

Thanks ruby, sounds like we are in similar positions. Even down to having another stone to lose! Haha.

It's hard with the babies on Facebook too cos I kind of want to see but don't at the same time. I have quite a collection of babies and friends with bumps now.

At least we have our hospital appointment this week, it's a weird thing to look forward to but at least it's action.