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Original poster

Infertility meltdown

999 replies

HappyAmbler · 02/01/2014 00:06

Hello ladies

I'm a long time lurker and very occasional poster.

This is really just a rant as I'm feeling so utterly shit this evening - hence the title (was crying when I started writing this Sad). My DH is asleep upstairs as he has to work tomorrow.

This is my third cycle of clomid and AF has just arrived. We have been ttc #1 for 19 months although in that time I've had 22 cycles.

I'm just feeling totally lost as I was only prescribed three months of clomid, and my next appointment at the NHS fertility clinic isn't until mid Feb - so I'm basically going to have two wasted cycles in between.

We still don't really know what the problem is. DH and I are both 31, his SA was normal, my blood tests and ultrasound were normal, my cycles are pretty regular and I'm fairly certain I ovulate every month (temp rise). The only possible factor is my post ovulation (day 21) progesterone levels are 'borderline'. i.e. they indicate ovulation has occurred but not high enough to sustain pregnancy.

I really thought the clomid would 'fix' this seemingly minor problem. And it has in the sense that my post ovulation progesterone levels have been higher, and my luteal phase has been longer, but I'm still not bloody well up the duff Sad

Apparently the next step is HSG - feeling stupid for not insisting this was done before I started the clomid, but I was so convinced the clomid would work...

I guess I'm just starting to panic now. If we don't know what the problem is, how the hell can it be fixed??

Thanks very much if you've got this far. I'm not sure why I'm posting, just needed to get this off my chest I guess. I don't know anyone in RL who's going through this, so it's just helpful to know there are others out there.

OP posts:
Shellster52 · 21/06/2015 23:02

aussie, it's reassuring to hear your hubby is a bit of a bugger too and that I'm not alone in trying to prepare his every meal. I'm sure he still goes to his choice of nearby junk food outlets at work but I dare ask or I will just get depressed. My DH takes (when I hand them to him and stand there to make sure he swallows them after finding some lying around the house!) CoQ10, Fish Oil, Vit C, Vit D & zinc. I did have a tablet specifically for sperm called 'sperm max' but ran out.

Thanks for the scan well wishes. It's 8am here so I will head off soon and update when I get back. I've been exercising on the weekend for blood flow and also had a hot water bottle on my tummy. I really feel like I need some slightly positive news today or I'm going to feel like stopping at the shops for some bourbon on the way home! It's 8am here so I will head off soon and update when I get back.

And I'm looking foward to hearing how your planning appt went sammy. Nice to hear your story as it's a welcome distraction from my own at the moment. Hope you come away with a sense of optimism.

loopylou1984 · 22/06/2015 06:21

Thank you both :).

Shell good luck today, will be waiting for your update. Xx

Shellster52 · 22/06/2015 09:22

Well I didn't really get any new news. At my baseline scan I was told
L Ovary: 2 follicles, with the largest being 3mm
R Ovary: 5 follicles with the largest being 9mm.

Today I was told:
L Ovary: 2 follicles, with the largest being 5mm
R Ovary: 5 follicles with the largest being 9mm.

So all I know is that the 3mm has grown to 5mm and the 9mm doesn't appear to have grown at all or perhaps was measured inaccurately at one of the scans? What I really want to know is how many are going to grow to become mature, so I still have no idea how many of these 7 are going to come to the party. I will speak to the clinic tomorrow and be told my next scan time. Hopefully at my next scan I will get an idea and be out of this anxious wait!

So that's my update. Now I'll wait for yours sammy.

chopsface · 22/06/2015 11:46

Oh poo shell that doesn't sound amazing news. How much should they have grown by this stage?

Sammy hope nurse appointment goes well today :-)

I'm 14w by my dates, 15w by scan measurements, still not showing so still doesn't feel quite real! Apart from the feeling rubbish!

aussie82 · 22/06/2015 12:17

shell, sorry to hear you didnt get your answers you wanted but the fight isnt over yet... and remember its quality over quantity. all you need is 1-2 good quality ones so you still have a fighting chance. xxx

loopylou1984 · 22/06/2015 13:16

Shell - sorry it wasn't as enlightening as you hoped. What did the clinic say? Do you know how long it's likely to be until your next scan?

Thanks all, appointments at three so will update this evening! Xx

loopylou1984 · 22/06/2015 21:28

I've had my appointment, it was a bit overwhelming tbh and I'm completely shattered now. Long story short I should be having my baseline scan on Thursday 2nd July as long as AF arrives on time. Xx

Shellster52 · 23/06/2015 00:39

Geepers sammy, sorry to hear the appointment has left you feeling overwhelmed and shattered. I had hoped it would make you feel positive as you are taking practical steps towards IVF and your pregnancy goal. Sounds like it's all systems go if you're having your baseline scan next week. What went wrong for it to leave you feeling this way?

My last scan didn't leave me feeling depressed or feeling that this IVF cycle is a failure, but it was just too early to tell me how many of the 7 follicles are going to grow to maturity and if I will have a minimum of 4 grow to maturity to proceed to egg collection. I have my follow up scan tomorrow, but since it is only 48 hours after the last scan I can't imagine that much will have happened and I think it will still be too early to tell. We shall see.

loopylou1984 · 23/06/2015 06:20

Nothing went wrong, i think it was a combination of the shock of seeing all the drugs and knowing that it's come to this, and a fear of going through it all and it still not working. And the price! I feel a bit better this morning, tbh I just want it to be next week now! X

loopylou1984 · 23/06/2015 06:21

Oh and good luck for the scan - at least you're prepared for there to be no news this time. Xx

chopsface · 23/06/2015 10:51

Just read your update on bumsnet Sammy it sounds like your appointment was thorough and good. My needle appointment was seriously awful! The nurse sounded like she had better places to be and rushed through things so quickly. I think she assumed me and dh knew what we were doing with needles already as we both work for the NHS! I work in a lab and dh in stores, we are clueless! So anyway I tried to put a needle in the pen once and did it wrong and she just snatched it back, saying not like that like this! And then did it at the speed of light herself and then released it without showing me how and said the instructions were all on the sheet! It was awful :-( at least you were in your appointment a long time and went through it all properly. Maybe that's the difference with paying and not paying? I'm sure you're going to be fine and it's only next week!! Eeeeeeeeeeee!

Fingers crossed for you shell does it get cancelled if there are not 4 follies? Do you still need to pay?

Shellster52 · 23/06/2015 11:20

Yes, I think you'll feel better sammy once things are underway and you've got the first couple of injections under your belt.

chops, if the cycle gets cancelled, I will be out of pocket about $400-$500 dollars. If I go ahead with EC, that's when it costs me thousands. Four follicles is just the minimum number that I have set for myself to feel like I have a chance of success and make the cost worthwhile. So it would be a big relief to see four follicles that have plumped up at my scan tomorrow morning even though I know it might be too early to tell.

loopylou1984 · 23/06/2015 17:17

Chops that sounds horrific! The staff at the clinic are amazing, I'm so pleased we've gone privately now. Even paying out £755 for blood tests and drugs yesterday didn't matter.

Thanks Shell, I'm probably will. It's daunting thinking about everything! I really hope you get good news at your scan. Xx

loopylou1984 · 25/06/2015 06:44

Shell, are you ok? Any news? Xx

Shellster52 · 26/06/2015 03:04

Very sweet of you to be concerned and asking after me sammy. Just came back from day 10 scan and had follicle sizes of 10mm, 9mm, 7mm, 5mm, and 4 more smaller follicles. In all my previous IVF cycles, the follicles that have decided to grow to maturity and contain a mature egg are 13-14mm by day 10, so I have no idea why they are so much smaller this cycle, as though my body is struggling to grow the follicles. I had decided that I would like to have 4 mature follicles to feel like I have a glimmer of a chance of success and to make the huge cost of EC worthwhile. But with my 4th largest being only 5mm today, am doubtful that it will suddenly hit a growth spurt and go on to become a mature 15-18mm follicle by day 15 in just 5 days time (this is my usual ovulation day in a natural cycle and my usual EC day in an IVF cycle). Even the largest that is today 10mm has been 9mm since day 3 so I don't know that that one is going to grow either. But I want to go ahead with egg collection and have a chance to produce a baby this cycle. I can't bear the thought of cancelling and then having to recover for months from the drugs this cycle before trying again. Four years has been torture enough. So I am desperate for these 4 to grow even though it feels like a big ask. The clinic will cal this afternoon but I assume I will be told to come in Monday for a repeat scan to see what's going on. It's going to be a long weekend!

I wonder what I can do to get some follicle growth happening this weekend? Any tips? I've got exercise, yoga and water on the list so far.

loopylou1984 · 26/06/2015 06:43

Oh shell, hope is not lost - I'm going to do a follicle dance. It's kind of like a rain dance but done whilst chanting 'eggy eggy eggy'!

Seriously though my clinic recommended the high protein thing, plus high salts for OHSS - so perhaps to grow more you should do the opposite? Low protein and salt? I'm guessing really, have you googled? Xx

Shellster52 · 26/06/2015 12:13

This being my 11th go at IVF, and being a poor responder in the past in this same situation with scans showing not a lot happening, you betcha I've googled the crap out of it. I like the proven study based things, but this one just comes up with lots of other women in the same situation and their theories. I just did yoga before my night injection in the hope that the increased blood flow gets that medicine circulating and making some action happen. I now have a hot water bottle on my tummy as I type to help with blood flow. The clinic booked me in for a repeat scan on Tuesday - not Monday as I thought - so I have a whole extra 24 hours of suspense to find out if I am going to have one mature egg and cancel or 4 mature eggs and heading to EC with a glimmer of hope this cycle. Sorry for the rant. I'll probably do a lot of that on here over the weekend because all I can do is think and wonder until I find out whats cooking in me on Tuesday.

How are you feeling sammy? Still feeling sick? Are you eating normally or has mini sammy given you a hate for certain foods?

loopylou1984 · 26/06/2015 13:21

Shell - I have everything crossed for you. I really want this to work for you.
Think you've got me muddled with Victoria - there's no mini Sammy unfortunately. Well, unless you know something I don't?! Xx

victoria401 · 26/06/2015 21:26

Im the one with the mini me ;-) thanks for sort of asking after me. The sickness us a lot better now thanks and I'm eating pretty normally again. But avoiding spicy foods as they cause me issues! I also have a new hankering after hot sponge puddings.....

Sorry you're follicles aren't playing ball shell I'm also crossing everything for you that a miracle happens for you.

Not long now Sammy! Aren't your drugs arriving on the weekend? How real that must feel!

loopylou1984 · 26/06/2015 21:38

Yes Victoria, between 8 and 1! Eeek, makes it very real. Tomorrow could be an emotional day especially as I could well see a temp drop too!

Glad you're feeling better, pudding huh? Better than my sil craving sponges! Lol. X

Shellster52 · 27/06/2015 02:13

Oops. Realised when I hit the pillow last night after my last post that I got confused and thought sammy was victoria. Sorry sammy - although having a mini you at the end of your next cycle is a very real possibility!

Mmm, all this talk of yummy desserts is making my mouth water after I've been living off fish and salads for my IVF diet. So you're not doing any special pregnancy diet then sammy and allowing yourself to indulge! Good on you. You deserve it after all you've been through.

I have to go for a repeat scan on Tuesday. That will finally tell me if only one or two follicles have grown to maturity, or if the other couple of smaller ones have grown. I am desperate to have four mature follicles to feel like I have a glimmer of a chance and make the cost of EC worthwhile. I wish someone could knock me out until Tuesday so I don't have to deal with this anxious wait!

loopylou1984 · 27/06/2015 09:53

My drugs are here! Eeek! It's a bit scary!

Shell - I haven't really done anything differently diet wise. I will up my protein and salt intake as advised and drink a lot more water/sports drinks to ward off OHSS but that's all.

I hope so much that your scan in Tuesday brings good news. Are you doing much this weekend to help the time pass? Xx

Shellster52 · 27/06/2015 10:35

It must feel real now sammy with your drugs in your hands! It's ironic - I could only dream of OHSS and you are trying to ward it off!

Well it's Saturday night here so that's one day down. I have to work tomorrow morning and then I have a day and a half to get through.

loopylou1984 · 27/06/2015 10:44

That's no time at all then shell, I hope it wizzes by.

I know... Although I could be a poor responder so maybe not at risk at all. Will have to wait and see. Xx

Victoria401 · 27/06/2015 14:55

Sammy when does your temp drop? Not til 14dpo? I know nowt.