Sorry, but my children bore me to death!

[MrsBigD]

Not meaning to start a major debate here (that already seems to be happening on the articles own board), just thought it was quite well written and touching on one of the things 'us bad mums' don't dare bring up... imho she's a bit extreme in her attitude but simultaneously have to admit that I have had some of the thoughts myself at times

here is the article

"I'm just amazed that MNers are so ready to pronounce her all of the above & a bad mother who shouldn't have had children."

Because what she says is a negation of what most of us (I'm guessing) see as being a mother. Paying for care, buying the best schooling, doing these things alone is NOT being a mother. If no-one else in the world see the best in you, your mother will. She finds her children boring - there appears to be no activity that she enjoys sharing with them or is even prepared to try to share with them.

As everyone (almost) has said on here, much of child-rearing is a bit dull but most people force themselves to do it sometimes at least - if for no other reason than it makes your children realise that you value you them. And if she really cares more about what bloody shoes she is going to wear than showing some itnerest in what is going on at her child's school, I do think she is a rather poor mother. I thought that when children were born you have to grow up and become less self-centered - kids DO move centre-stage for a time, or they should. To me it seems like a marriage in which one partner unilaterally decides that they don't want sex - it's boring and they'd rather be shopping - but at least in a marriage the other partner has the choice to argue about it or get out. The children don't.

One of the callers on R2 asked if she (the author) bored her parents .

She came across as extremely one dimensional person on the program. Hew view was black and white and nothing in between. For example, she said that the mothers who criticised her viewpoint are the same ones who neglect their children by sitting them in front of the TV and feed them rubbish . I actually found that quite insulting. I find aspects of parenting boring (the laundry!) but I also find aspects of my part-time job boring and I'm sure that a lot of people who are employed find aspects of their job boring too. Why does it have to be such a big deal with motherhood?

I'm currently reading John Holt's book called "How children learn" and he says that children are really fascinating and we can learn so much from them. I totally agree with him and since I have started reading his book, I observe my children more keenly and their view of the world is just so fascinating and humbling.

This woman is really missing out. I would not be surprised that when her sons marry, they marry women who are nothing like her and they will probably want very little to do with her also.

Appreciate where you are coming from Joelalie, but this children being "centre-stage" thing is a very new concept. Children never used to be. They were something unavoidable that happen because you got married. The human race survived & prospered up until 50 years ago without children being subject to the degree of parental input that they are today.
I can't help feeling that the pendulum has swung too far, when a woman who would rather think about shoes, than chat about the science teacher is labelled all the things she has been & it suggested that she shouldn't have reproduced!

How could anyone not conclude that she is a lousy mother? She is, and she knows she is, and she's completely blase about it. Not to mention being an obnoxious snob.

well if she said the drugery of homemaking is boring I would cut her some slack I'm no Bree myself mate!...

what did she expect'my children bore me to death' come on!!some of what she says rings true you can't live your life completely around your children and some mothers are downright boring sods who need to chill out.. but for god sake you can't go the park or cricket match once in a while,play monopoly like you mean it??..

I don't think she's evil I think she's deluded... child rearing requires you to actually care for and nurture your child not give in to it's every whim and that includes the boring bits!!

bugsy, her attitude to other mums is pretty offensive.

Bugsy - and I think the reason that it's changed in the last 50 years is because parents who went through that themselves know how it made them feel. My father was seperated from his mother from about a year old until they came back from Nigeria when he was 10 and boarding at public school. He never met his father at all until that age. He loved his nanny far more than his mother - one of the few times I ever say him cry was when Nanny Kath died. His mum really didn't like kids at all. My mother was sent to a boarding school at 3 when she, her mother and older sister came back from Australia after my grandfather died. During the hols she was sent to her grandparents very old0-fashioned formal househol because her mother was working. Both my parents were very involved in our upbringing and very different from their parents. If you asked them about their childhoods they would change the subject - until a few years ago when it all came out. Dad's sister brought her children up much the same as she had been - 2 of them moved to the other side of the world asap and the eldest has been in therapy for years. The youngest lives in London about 50 miles away from their parents and never saw them. They used to envy us, inspite of the fact that their parents were hugley rich.

ITA that things may have swung too far in the other direction but they certainly needed to swing a bit. I am certain the reason we have such a hostile attitude to kids in the UK is due to the legacy of the old way of doing things. We abandoned the old model because it didn't work.

Indeed some of them are CarolinaMouse, however two wrongs never make a right!
Of course some of the child rearing ways of the past are completely unacceptable & some of them absolutely barbaric & clearly damaging. I am certainly not advocating a return to that.
I am just uncertain as to what is "good" parenting and "good" motherhood. Was surprised and intrigued by the vehemence of the response to the article.

Yes I guess it was a bit vehement. But not really surprising - there is nothing like mothers for judging other mothers

Especially when they feel they are being judged themselves!

But this isn't a reaction to a different set of childrearing practices. This is a reaction to someone who has opted out of parenting altogether, because she can't be arsed. She doesn't want to be bothered with anyone's needs other than her own. And moreover she doesn't think there's anything wrong with that. It's repugnant.

When mum was diagnosed with cancer, I got severe back pains and couldn't move without painkillers. Since there was no organic cause, I was referred to a therapist.

She NEVER listened to what I wanted to talk about, she always went on about how I should not be a SAHM, it was harmful for dd and a waste of my education and life. She said it is a "mistake" which a lot of women make because they suffer from the same "delusions" about what makes a good mother.

I gave up after a few sessions because it drove me wild. She may have been right, I may have been right, not sure yet TBH

It's not because she's a PARENT who is doing it, it's because she's a MOTHER who is doing it. Many, many men are equally as uninvolved in their children.

Greensleeves, I wonder who organised and interviewed the nanny, who chose their nursery & schools? Who still offers to play games? Who takes them to the cinema?
I don't want to defend this woman particularly, but it seems extreme to say she has opted out completely. If she is bored by kiddie stuff & can afford to find someone better than her to play monopoly, why does that automatically make her a bad mother?

whilst I agree that modern child rearing culture has become
(superficially at least) very child centric, I think it is a misunderstanding and a generalisation to presume that fifty years ago the children were not the focus of family life. Of course they were - but not in the same way. leaving the children with the nanny / sending them to boarding school while you "got on with adult life" was by no means the norm. the vast majority of families in this country could not afford "help" - the family would live together, eat together. spend time together, have a family life.
as they still do, in fact. this woman is atypical (thank god) ans always will be and always would have been.
good luck to her if she thinks it's acceptable to insult her children for a little cheap noteriety. but pmsl at her vanity in choosing a photo at least five years old

I agree with Greensleeves totally. She doesn't seem to have a different parenting style, she just isn't really parenting if she's more bothered about browsing round Harvey Nicks than supporting her children at school.

I am seriously wondering what she thought it was all about before she had them and why she had them? I honestly don't get it as she doesn't seem to want to do anything with them.

Hey fathers not getting involved really p*ss me off too

my father was very hands on he did cooking,cleaning, nappy changing the lot and he's 62..
My husband did the same from birth even my own mother said that I was letting him do too much (to change or bath his own new-born is too much!!)I just ignored her and let him get on,and he actually really wanted to (I did have to leave the room at times though)what if something happened to me he's their father he's responsible and I'm glad I did it..even my mother came back to me and changed her views of what I allowed my husband to do...

it doesn't take that much to do simple things with your children whether you're a mother or a father rich or poor and picking out their nanny does not constitute nurturing imo she may ask them to play monopoly but her children know she doesn't really care/want to.. so why bother and that's sad.. but she's proud???

having one uninterested parent is a shame, but two is an absolute tragedy. Nothing in that article makes it sound like Mr Kirwan-Taylor is anymore hands-on than his wife .

That texting through film was sooooooooo sad I cant believe 42year old texting while kids watching premier of new film. Wonder what does she text? gossips? or something to do "education"

I think it's pretty laughable to suggest that having "organised and interviewed the nanny" constitutes mothering two children. I can appreciate the point you are trying to make, Bugsy, but I think you are scraping the barrel on this one tbh

If one bored her so much why on earth did she have another one? I wonder if her sons will find her too boring to bother with when she is in her 80's and suffering from alzheimers or something?

Of course they will. She be up first up against the wall and it'll serve her right.

I'd like to congratulate you on your valiant attempts to be reasonable about her Bugsy!

How sad, what if her children read this?

Strange how she only got the psycologists to comment on the opposite extreme of her own behaviour