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Housekeeping

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Original poster

I thought I was a terrible housewife but after 3 days away have realised just how much I do (and DH doesn't)

191 replies

TheDevilWearsPrimark · 14/04/2008 11:13

I had a lovely break staying with my BF and her baby and after a transport nightmare last night didn't get home until past midnight so just fell into bed.

I am horrified at the state of the place this morning, and the bright sunshine doesn't make it any better.

  • Dishes from breakfast before I left are still there with various others piled on top.

-The DC emptied their drawers all over their room which DH put into bin bags in hall rather than put back away. At least he picked them up I guess!

-No laundry has been done so there is a mountain of it. The washing I hung up to dry thursday evening is still on the racks, and the washing machine I put on spin friday morning before I left has been left with it sitting in it.

-The floors are filthy

-The windows have sticky handprints all over them

  • Every last puzzle, game, duplo bit and set of blocks seems to be strewn around the house

-And worst the toilet seat has poo on it.

There's more but I won't bore you. No doubt they had a fun weekend, they have been out to the aquarium, park and beach but simple things like this should have been done aswell? At least I should be grateful he thought to take the rubbish out.

Where do I start? I feel to angry to even bother.

OP posts:
TheDevilWearsPenneys · 14/04/2008 15:51

Cod, did you see my post, drunkenly rambling.
I was so embarrassed but it summed it all up. 'Pieces don't fit anymore'.

Then he comes back and is fab with kids and we have a few nice dinners in,great sex and all is forgotten(ish) . Until I got back. I am so annoyed I could cry.

But better to rant to him than to you, I know, and fear not, I shall.

orangina · 14/04/2008 15:52

Interesting Wheel of Power and Control cod....

orangina · 14/04/2008 15:54

Prufrock, why does TDWP have to change herself? What about her is so in need of change?

TheDevilWearsPenneys · 14/04/2008 15:54

Orangina I thought I was a terrible housewife after years of being made to feel so.

SmugColditz · 14/04/2008 15:54

You need to go to an assertiveness class. being too passive is not better than being too aggressive, because you are using guilt as a weapon instead of anger.

When you can learn to identify what is reasonable to ask and then ask for it, you won't feel compelled to take silent and brooding revenge by ... erm .... cleaning up the mess you are angry about.

Look, he won't care, you know. If someone comes and cleans my home, I don't take it as a pointed 'you should be doing this, and I had to do it, you bad person', even if it's meant like that. I'm just glad I don't have to clean.

I think this needs to be addressed in a more assertive manner. (With your phone in your hand in case he decides to kick off). Stop cleaning now. Write down what you have done. Writ down what is still left to do. When he comes in from work, tell him immediately you with to discuss something while you cook dinner, then leave him for 20 minutes to chill after work.

Then discuss it. Explain that every job left undone is a job left for you. Point out that you don't leave him a mess, and you don't expect to be left a mess.

Prufrock · 14/04/2008 15:55

OK, if it makes it easier for you to cope with, go see a counsellor for your kids sake. they shouldn't have to put up with a mother who is so obviously unhappy. I am sure you have got incredibly good at hiding it from them ,but they do pick up on it. And they need a positive role model so that they can grow up with a proper sense of their own self worth and end up in decent, emotionally fulfilling relationships.

TheDevilWearsPenneys · 14/04/2008 15:56

I can be very aggressive if need to be. I HATE THIS WHOLE 'GO TO A CLASS' , WHAT ARE WE IN TENESSEE, DID I MISS THE MEMO?

Prufrock · 14/04/2008 15:57

She needs to change her own opinion of herself as someone who in any way deserves to be treated as poorly as her husband is treating her.

binkleandflip · 14/04/2008 15:57

when your a pensioner are you still going to come on here and complain about your dh and wasted life or are your going to a/ make a go of your relationship by both growing up an admitting you're not perfect or b/ cutting your losses and getting out of an unhealthy relationship where you both seem to relish loathing each other?

TheDevilWearsPenneys · 14/04/2008 15:58

I didn't mean for the capslocks there,
Orangina I agree, i don't have to change, I just want help in coaxing DH to change before I run off to Scotland with the children.

SmugColditz · 14/04/2008 15:59

I'm sure you can be very aggressive, that is a lack of assertiveness too. You feel put upon until you explode.

Don't go to a class then. Look on the internet. Or talk to us lot about it. Or continue to seethe with rage as you scrub another grown adult's shit. It's up to you, but you don't sound very happy with the way things are, and I'm trying to suggest ways to change them.

PuffCoddy · 14/04/2008 16:00

i awlays maintian i am the only peron here ot otilet myslef properly
if there is shit i point dh in the direction of the bleach

orangina · 14/04/2008 16:01

Why is everyone suggesting that it is up to TDWP to make herself more assertive, etc, so that she can control/train/teach her (d)h to behave civilly and to treat her with respect? The issue (I think) is with HIM, not HER. Ok, if she was more assertive, then she would be better equipped to deal with him, but still, it would be his behaviour that needed improving, not her character.
The problem with someone as controlling as her dh appears to be, is that he has managed to make her feel like a "terrible housewife", when clearly she isn't (no hand smears on windows....!), and although I haven't met TDWP, I am pretty sure the term housewife is not top of her favourite words list. By us telling her to attend assertiveness training, aren't we more or less reinforcing the negative feelings that she is getting regularly from her dh?
Sigh.

TheDevilWearsPenneys · 14/04/2008 16:02

Colditz I feel like you have stepped in where Rhuby left off. That is a very good thing. God I miss her.

orangina · 14/04/2008 16:03

I am an outsider, in terms of TDWP's marriage.It doesn't sound healthy. It needs some help. That needs to come from BOTH OF THEM. The responsibility does not lie with her.

Prufrock · 14/04/2008 16:04

No, we are accepting that you cannot change or control other people, you can only change and control your own reaction to them. And there is nothing whatsoever wrong in needing proffesional help to do taht.

binkleandflip · 14/04/2008 16:04

no it comes from BOTH OF THEM as you rightly stated Orangina

tomme · 14/04/2008 16:06

I vae never posted on your threads before but I grew up in a house where my DF was very controlling and it started with issues like house cleanliness and his shirts being ironed etc and went on to my DM not being good enough when compared to his female family and friends and ended with my DM being regularly beaten and humiliated until they divorced 6 years ago. As a child gorwing up I saw every stage, even though my DM did her best to ensure I didn't. It has dramatically affected the person I am and my view of relationships etc. My DM played the martyr continuosly (spelling!!) until me and my siblings reached a stage in adulthood where we wouldn't allow her too and bascially gave her the same advice you are being given here. It took some years but she did divorce him.

Please take the advice you are being given now before your situation escalates.

If nothing else think of your DC you do not want them growing up aware of the hostile environment you live in and then to repeat the same behaviour in their adult life. If your DD was living the life you are no think how sad for her you would be.

VictorianSqualor · 14/04/2008 16:07

Because Orangina, a lot of the time relationships with this sort of abuse only happen because the victim allows them to happen.

TDWP needs to stop allowing her DH to behave like this, and if that means changing herself to stand up to him then change she needs to.

I still think it's a bit of a mountain out of a molehill tbh, he's messed up, she should use it as an opportunity to deal with the way he has been numerous times wrt her doing the housework. Don't kick off about things like the ebds not being made or the washing or the windows, but point out just how much extra work she has had to do (i.e. toilet/dishes/floor etc) since she came home and tell him that she hopes he now appreciates exactly how much she does do.

TheDevilWearsPenneys · 14/04/2008 16:07

thanks orangina, empowerent (trite as that word sounds) is much better than thinking it's something I can't cope with and have to delegate out.

TheDevilWearsPenneys · 14/04/2008 16:11

Here's what I posted recently and really, really meant

I've been twisting and turning,
In a space that's too small.
I've been drawing the line and watching it fall,
You've been closing me in, closing the space in my heart.
Watching us fading and watching it all fall apart.

Well I can't explain why it's not enough, Because I gave it all to you.
And if you leave me now, oh just leave me now.
Its the better thing to do,
Its time to surrender,
Its been to long pretending.
Theres no use in trying,
When the pieces don't fit anymore, Pieces don't fit here anymore.

You pulled me under,
I had to give in.
Such a beautiful myth,
Thats breaking my skin.
Well I'll hide all the bruises,
I'll hide all the damage thats done.
But I show how I'm feeling until all the feeling has gone.
Oh don't misunderstand,
How I feel.
Cause I've tried, yes I've tried.
But still I don't know why, no I don't know why

TheMadHouse · 14/04/2008 16:18

Just as a sideline - his suits will get ruined dry cleaning them that much. One every three months is fine. Steam them to get any smells out.

Better still get some washable ones if he is that anal.

I think it is OK to post, but you post for sympathy and that is not what mumsnet is about. We all have opinions and people want to offer you theirs. If you keep not accepting any advice then iot will soon wear thin.

No one can help you other than yourself and you need to want change for there to be change.

My DH pulls his weight, but then he knows if he doesnt that I wont do it. But I also would rather come down after a lie in on a sat to a happy home with the boys playing with their daddy, than a tidy home and I am a SAHM who doesnt work at the moment, so DH provides financially, but we are a PARTNERSHIP

orangina · 14/04/2008 16:26

I sort of know how you feel TDWP... I was in a relationship about 10 years ago with a man who shares some of your dh's characteristics.... very controlling, could be very humiliating etc, but when he wanted to be lovely (for whatever reason), it all felt just perfect. I spent a couple of years constantly trying to keep him happy, so I could get the Good Him, and wondering why I was getting the Bad Him when it was happening. I felt he fell out of love with me a few times, and I worked SO HARD to get him to fall back in love with me, and hurrah when I managed to do it.
I definitely needed to be more assertive then and all my friends could see what was happening to me, but couldn't do anything about it, as it had to come from me. The wierd thing is, I don't need to be "assertive" with someone who isn't a controlling bully. So to me, it feels as though you are caught between a rock and a hard place.
I guess what you need is some help to decide what to do in terms of your marraige. If dh doesn't see that he has a problem, or doesn't want to help himself, no matter what you do, you will be very unlikely to be able to change him.

orangina · 14/04/2008 16:30

If you really feel that you both do have a future together, or that you should really give it your best shot for the children's sake (as a child of divorced parents, I'm not sure that sticking together for the childrens' sakes is the best thing, but that's another story/thread), then I guess you both have to admit there is a problem, OR you you have to tell him that unless there are some fundamental changes, you will have to go. And making the changes will probably need some help, as there are patterns of behaviour that will need to be changed, and for that I am SURE you will need some help. Both of you that is.

orangina · 14/04/2008 16:32

And if you are worried about what his reaction might be when you have this conversation with him (will he lash out or whatever), then perhaps you need to have your support to hand (have told some RL friend or family to be on call). Then you will feel empowered, when you take back some of the control. And by that, I mean the real control that is the balance in your relationship, not the control to keep your house and windows sparkling clean.