I thought I was a terrible housewife but after 3 days away have realised just how much I do (and DH doesn't)

[TheDevilWearsPrimark]

I had a lovely break staying with my BF and her baby and after a transport nightmare last night didn't get home until past midnight so just fell into bed.

I am horrified at the state of the place this morning, and the bright sunshine doesn't make it any better.

• Dishes from breakfast before I left are still there with various others piled on top.

-The DC emptied their drawers all over their room which DH put into bin bags in hall rather than put back away. At least he picked them up I guess!

-No laundry has been done so there is a mountain of it. The washing I hung up to dry thursday evening is still on the racks, and the washing machine I put on spin friday morning before I left has been left with it sitting in it.

-The floors are filthy

-The windows have sticky handprints all over them

• Every last puzzle, game, duplo bit and set of blocks seems to be strewn around the house

-And worst the toilet seat has poo on it.

There's more but I won't bore you. No doubt they had a fun weekend, they have been out to the aquarium, park and beach but simple things like this should have been done aswell? At least I should be grateful he thought to take the rubbish out.

Where do I start? I feel to angry to even bother.

whats occurrin' ont his thread now

i refer oyu again ot he "wheel of power and control" definition of abuse

"Using male privilege: treating her like a servant, making all the big decisions, acting like the "master of the castle", being the one to define men's and women's roles."

adn WAHT IS WITHT HE DRY CLEANIGN OBSESSION

I resent the frequent suggestions that I need counselling. If anyone does it is DH.

I think I will just try to muddle through. Confrontation could lead to a bigger fall out that I am ready to deal with.

read me read me

TDWP, I think Prufrock has given you some great advice here, from a well-informed perspective
Like many others on here, I'd have come home to a slightly shambolic but basically tidy and certainly hygienic household. (Or, to be brutally honest, it would have been no worse than my own efforts). But the loo seat rings alarm bells for me too.

cod he insist his suits need to be drycleaned after every wear, after two at a push. (nob)

Why is getting a cleaner immature? It is a solution that results in no resentment from either party - quite the opposite of immature IMO.

No, TDWP, you need counselling.

Your DH might also perhaps need counselling. But think of yourself first and foremost.

I do not need counselling. What I need is a partner in my arriage who keeps up his end. He sees to see it all as financial and it is far from it.

Sorry for the rap typing my eyboard is on the blink.

The suggestion about counselling is a good one and meant kindly TDWOP!

It doesn't mean there is anything wrong with you - I'm sure many of us could do with a bit of objective outside help with certain issues - it's about not being able to control anyone else's behaviour and feelings but your own.

Therefore: if you want a situation to change, you have to change your OWN reaction to it (if that makes sense) ....

Good luck ...

I've had counselling, TDWP.

I thought it was extremely useful.

AFETR EVERY WEAR

dos he pespire?

AFETR EVERY WEAR

dos he pespire?

I'm just the type of personality that would rather chew my own arm off than ask a stranger for help about my feelings (Does that make sense to anyone else)

TDWP, this is an honest question - you don't think getting some expert help/coaching on techniques to help you get your dh to start changing his views, might be a good thing for you both?
I am not arguing with you about which of you "needs counselling", but you post of your unhappiness and wish for a different type of relationship and family life...and he doesn't. You can see that change needs to happen, he doesn't. So yes, IMO, you, the better aware person, needs to arm herself with positive techniques to make him, the partner in deliberate or genuine denial, see things differently.

No idea of your background so I'm just going to answer the OP.

I get this whenever I have a lie in. Toys everywhere, breakfast mess etc. I dont mind because I've just had a lie in.

If you dont want to come home to a pit then you have to leave DH with instructions. if he doesnt clean/tidy every day then he wont know your systems.

In relation to the current mess then I would have cleaned the 'dirty' areas but left the mess and asked him to help you do it when he gets home.

But TDWP - you ask thousands of strangers for help by posting here

I agree that there is the comforting anonymity of the computer screen... but still...

I thought I was too until I had a stillbirth TDWP. I had an overwhelming crisis and shock that made me see that counselling could help me - what you are going through is a gradual process of attrition. Counselling is a great and a wonderful thing for empowering people to help themselves, and others.

I've had counselling before. When I was Uni, to talk about my relationship with my dad. Counselling is great. We all could do with a bit of counselling, is my view .
Why are you so opposed to it ?

well when he eventualyl takes hi repressed anger out on You we wil eb here.
of course we will.
bu we woudl liek to stop it happening.

TDWP you are not being unreasonable about the place being a complete tip after you have been away (though I wouold knock the smeary windows off the list of things to get truly pissed off about myself, in the interests of an easy life etc...), and I quite understand your desire to have a dh who takes equal responsibility with all things domestic etc. And if we knew nothing else about your situation (for lack of a better word, sorry), then that would be that, and we could all discuss whether or not he should have noticed the laundry whilst having such a great time with the dcs or not, and compare stories of men who never seem to want clean sheets ever, etc.....
But, put the story into the broader context, and the fact that you don't feel like you can complain to him, in case the fall out is more than you can cope with at the moment, and the whole dry cleaning rebellion.... well clearly there are other bigger issues that need to be addressed. Through counselling for you, for him, for both of you, or whatever.
I'm rambling.
I can't even bear the way you have worded your posting...."I thought I was a terrible housewife, but....". And put that in the context of you wanting an equal partner? It's not adding up....

DWP - before I went completely mad I would have reacted very strongly to anyone suggesting I see a counsellor. There was nothing wrong with me, it was my mother who had the problem, why would I need to talk to a shrink. Sound familiar? Honestly, I could have said so much of what you have - I wouldn't have a cleaner as it was ridiculous to think that as a SAHM I couldn't cope with my own cleaning, I didn't want to properly confront my mother, just spent a lot of time complaining about her to dh and having rows about stuff other than the real issues but never did anything mature and constructive to address them.

After coming through the very dark days of my depression I reluctantly accpeted that it might be a good idea to talk to someone. Now of course I'm an annoying evangelicalical convert. Please try - you don't have to live like this. Happiness and joy on a daily basis is possible, and will maybe even be possible with yoru dh in your life if you can help him to change. But first of all you need to change yourslef.