Hand hold - declutter diary

[myhouseandhome]

Hi, I've name-changed because I feel I need a fresh start and singular focus. I'm also feeling quite a lot of shame and overwhelm. I owe it to myself and my family to get it together and sort out our house. This is quite a long one and I hope it will be ongoing, so thank you if you take the time to read, but understand if you don't...

I'm 39 with a wonderful DH and 2DC (currently on maternity leave). DH works full-time from home and does all DIY and most of the housework, including laundry, cooking, dishwasher. He can't do any more than he already does and I can't believe he is still with me, if I'm honest. We have been together since we were teenagers and I know he loves me, but I don't think he's happy. He is starting to struggle to cope at home. He's been struggling for years, if I'm honest with myself.

Growing up, I never lived in a clean and tidy house. There is neuro-divergence in the family, but I don't want to use it as an excuse. I've always struggled with even basics like cooking and washing up, and personal grooming, let alone running a family home. I have never had a routine and keep everything, so although there have been periods in our lives when our homes looked okay, it's always been stressful and I've never felt on top of things. Now with 2DC, it is out of control. God, I don't even know where to start. I could cry.

We have lived together for nearly 20 years and I have accumulated stuff in all that time. Today, DH dug out payslips from when I was 17! And I can barely bring myself to get rid of them! What's worse is that the clutter, disorganisation, and lack of routine means that the house is not only untidy, but also filthy. I'm so embarrassed.

Anyway, I've bitten the bullet and agreed to sort it out once and for all. I'm going to do a daily post. Maybe one in the morning and a follow-up in the evening. And I'll share before and after photos when I feel I can. Please, please let me know if this should be on a different board, but I hope I'll get a little support and feel accountable to someone other than my poor DH.

My 5yo has a birthday this month, so it would be really lovely to have made progress by then.I'll start tomorrow.x

You are amazing ! I love this thread. You’ve inspired me start up again after a spell of inactivity and demotivation, so thanks for that 😊 I think I just needed to recharge my batteries but I’ve had a brilliant day today thanks to your thread. I can’t believe how much progress you’ve made in such a short time. I’ve done a big declutter of half my house over previous weeks and it’s taken a while to see results but already I’m finding cleaning and tidying is so much quicker and less overwhelming in the areas I’ve tackled. Lots of quick tidy -ups as I do other jobs and I’m keeping on top of it which was unheard of before. I also feel much lighter and freer .. but I haven’t finished… and still have some way to go and you’ve helped me get back on track so a big thank you Xx

I’ve been listening to Dana K White’s book on audible - she offers great practical step by step advice on how to tackle decluttering when it’s overwhelming starting with visible spaces first. Seeing visible improving results in a room helps to gather momentum and motivates you to carry on with hidden drawer and cupboard spaces. Her advice is not to look for perfection but progress instead, is this space better than it was before? better is good enough. I’m doing a second round of decluttering in the areas I tackled first. It’s a far quicker process and decision making is easier. I’ve just removed a bin bag of items I previously had decided to keep. I’m beginning to see light at the end of the tunnel.

@TadpolesInPool How are you feeling OP? Are you more relaxed and happy?

I've been returning to your post since reading it on Thursday. As you can probably tell, I've had a bit of a wobble the last couple of days. I felt so great with the progress I'd made that a couple of unplanned diversions really threw me. I had been feeling so relaxed and happy that it felt awful stopping. I'd been riding a high of energy and motivation, but I've picked up. Thank you for reminding me to look after myself - I've really needed it. Feeling much better now!

@Megs83 So keep it up, don’t worry if one day isn’t as good as the last. Progress is still progress!

I loved reading your post - I shared it with DH. 🥰 The 'resetting' has honestly been a game-changer. So simple, yet without thinking it was something I should be doing, I somehow never got round to doing it. You're right - it doesn't take long at all when you set your mind to it! Thank you for the encouragement too - I know I can be too hard on myself and I needed to hear it (or read it!).

@Pibolar Ah, the panic stash! Mine are still hiding in the other rooms, but I know they're there and I'm determined to get to them. I'm just going to try not to add to them! I've had more visitors this week than I have in months... Now I'm gearing up for a 'normal' week, I'm looking forward to getting back on track. 🤞

Completely love this thread. The new tv bit sounds a bit annoying but at least it's done now and it's not looming in the future. Assume living room isn't expecting any charges for a while so you can get strict with everyone about what the reset is.

@Readingtheworld I really hope it is easier to tidy up from then it would have been a few weeks ago.

I'm so pleased to report that it has been! I had a massive wobble that had been building up over a couple of days. This thread has been amazing for me - it's like having a peer support group! I'm thinking over what you've said about mental space and selling vs. donating. I find it so hard to donate things I have invested in. I don't really buy a lot, so what I do have feels really precious to me. I'm working hard on changing how I feel about letting things go. The donated clothes have been a huge weight off my mind, so I know I'm heading in the right direction!

@SpottyElephant Please don’t feel disheartened. Decluttering and housework are never ending jobs. Chin up and carry on with what you’ve been doing.

Thank* you! You're right! I've worked through the low mood and realised it wasn't so bad after all. Looking forward to the week ahead now. I love how you said days like yesterday, which happen to us all *- it made me feel less alone in my misery. 😅

@Ihaveaskedyouthrice Thank you for checking in - I wasn't okay, but now I am! Thank you for the encouragement.x

@wednamenov If you have a bad day, it's not because you are a failure.

Another post to return to again and again. Thank you! I think I did just need a little break - back to the practising!

@JollyJellyCat I love that we share so many parallels. I hope I can say this time next year that I learnt how to tidy and declutter. ❤️ It is such a journey - I've started and I'm determined to finish!

@Noodle421 It's so great to hear about your progress! I've definitely found that keeping large spaces clear has had the biggest impact. The house is starting to feel clean for the first time in months (if not years!). I'm constantly thinking ahead to spaces that I know need decluttering, which feels a bit much sometimes, but I hope means that I'll have some easier decisions when I get there. Dana K. White is brilliant - she makes throwing a tissue away feel like progress. Which it is!

@pastypirate Thank you! In hindsight, I overreacted to the TV situation... Didn't feel like it at the time though! I've made a quick-ish recovery and am back on track. 🏆

Day 15
Thank you to everyone for giving me the boost I needed. ❤️

I was so low on Saturday morning. DH and I took DS1 to an activity, then went shopping. I thought I was going to cry! We'd left the house in a right state and I couldn't plan where to start when we got back, let alone what we were going to eat on the weekend. I was really honest with DH that I'd found the TV installation and undoing of the cleaning and tidying really hard to handle, and he was a bit annoyed, but pleased that I'd told him and not just been passive aggressive. - apparently, I do this. 😳 When we got home, he told me to put my feet up and look after the DC (lol!) and he got stuck in with a full reset. 🥰 I took the day off completely - DH had already planned a night out with friends, I took DC to a neighbour's birthday at 5pm for a couple of hours, then stayed up to watch Strictly with DS1 on our new TV.

Day 16
Everyone had a much-needed lie-in. DH made pancakes for breakfast 😋 then I got myself showered and reset the dining room and kitchen. DH's cleaning isn't really up to my standard, so it took a bit longer, but I'm in no position to complain! I took DS2 to a birthday party after lunch and didn't get back until nearly 5pm - DH had been food shopping and brought through a toy storage unit to the living room.

This evening, we talked through our priorities for the house: DH wants to purchase more expensive stuff 😩 and I want to focus on the decluttering. He's going to restore the old TV to factory settings and clean the unit before I list them on Olio. I've given myself another week to list the clothes, but this week I'm going to try to do this at the beginning of the day rather than trying to find the time later. I've realised that my resetting could take the whole day if I wanted it to, but if I limit my time, I think I can do it much more quickly. Will let you know how it goes tomorrow!

Thanks for sticking with me. Sorry for the wobble! x

Photos!

• TV installation
• new piles of clutter
• play corner 🫥 I have got a plan, but don't want to start anything until the clothes are listed!

This made me laugh:

DH's cleaning isn't really up to my standard, so it took a bit longer, but I'm in no position to complain!

This is the topic of future thread. And I'll be a big contributor to it!! 🤣🤣

I'm glad you're back n track and allowing yourself the occasional wobble.

Morning - unless the clothes are likely to make quite a bit I would ditch them now - OR fold them neatly in a bag for life and find a space to store them until you can list them. They are starting to sound like a millstone I would just ditch nowxx

Your dh has pulled his weight a bit which is good. If he wants to buy more nice stuff - great! He can make space for it and get rid of loads 🤣

I agree with the ditching of clothes if it’s going to slow down your main aim of a radical declutter. I’ve spent a year selling on eBay but my children are grown up and I still found it a time consuming faff, back and forth to post office, dealing with the odd awkward customer etc. I did make money which has been useful for adding new better fitting items to my wardrobe but not enough to justify the time I put in. It can derail you if you are already energy/time poor. Only takes minutes to donate your clothes.

It's great to hear you are back on track, OP.

Completely agree about getting rid of clothes by donating. Unless they are v high end, the amount of effort and time is huge compared with the financial return..and with a baby you must be so busy all the time. The pay off of just dropping them off at charity shop will be huge. There will be a lovely empty space where they used to be and you can spend the time decluttering other items

Keep going x

I echo what pp’s have said about the clothes. Get rid, the easiest way possible if you don’t have the inclination to sort them. I ended up with 10yrs of my ds clothes, I had the best intentions but when I moved house I ended up giving them to charity unless they were still new with tags on that I’d lost amongst the clutter.
It was a relief really

Been following you for a few days now OP and I'm cheering you on from the sidelines 🥳
I echo the above, unless the clothes are new with tags and brands worth having I'd either give away for free, charity shop, or sell as a bundle. It's not worth the time and effort for half the stuff. Or take the photos when the light is good and then leave the actual listing until one evening when you're in front of the TV watching something half heartedly

Have to chime in and agree with everyone else - until very recently I had kept every single item of clothing DD had ever worn - down to bibs and socks! - in storage bags in case we had another baby. I’m pregnant with number 2 and have recently gone through and dramatically culled them down to the bits I actually like. I had planned to sell everything on, and those clothes have sat in my garage growing with each clothing size change. I took 8 bin bags worth of good quality stuff to the charity shop over the past couple of weekends and honestly feel so free. I had so many bags of clothes I intended to list but never got round to it. There were even things I listed that sold, and then I didn’t manage to post them on time and lost the sale. I realised that the couple of pounds per item I may make was not worth my limited time listing, packing, printing labels, driving to the various different parcel places etc etc.

It’s hard to part with things, especially if they are good quality and you spent good money on them. But it makes me smile to think there are now lots of quality items in my local charity shop for somebody who may not want/be able to afford to buy the same items new.

also worth looking to see if you have a local baby bank who may really appreciate a donation.

Or as others said list them in a big bundle on Facebook - I remember when I was pregnant with DD and bought a newborn bundle on Facebook for £30 - 2 black sacks worth of gorgeous clothes. They were in amazing condition and the lady just wanted to make a little bit of money back without the faff of listing individually - could be a good compromise if you can’t bear to donate them.

Great thread! I also love Dana K White. I've been following her stuff for about a year now and it's really made a difference to our house. However I do need to crack on with properly decluttering more, because things are getting a bit over the top again. I bought her book decluttering at the speed of life and am working through the kitchen bit but I think my kitchen is probably the worst room, it's so cluttered and cobwebby and not very nice.

It sounds so silly but I honestly never even thought about things like doing the dishes every day making that just not be constantly in the way of everything else. I have ADHD and my entire life is like this - just piles of undone stuff getting in the way of anything and everything. I had never really thought of it like that before and now I'm seeing it everywhere.

Just little things like - the other morning DH got the DC ready for nursery and I could hear he was getting stressed, they were getting stressed and it was so much of a shit show I got up to help. Talking to him later he said it was stressful because the kids didn't have clean clothing in their drawers, then he couldn't find their jumpers, the lunch boxes hadn't been washed and he couldn't find their shoes or one of their coats.

Old me would have been like huh? So a normal morning then? What's the problem with that? I would have thought nothing of digging through washing baskets or the airer for tops, hunting the giant piles on the sofas/buggy/hallway for jumpers, knowing this is where they get discarded, I would have grabbed the non matching spare lunch boxes, cleared a space, put a new chopping board down to make their snack. I still would have absolutely been stressed but I would have thought it was normal.

New me can see oh yeah, it would actually be so much easier if those things were in place. (And I found the coat in a bag where it had been shoved in a hurry at the weekend).

I really relate to this post. I have adhd and I had to force order into my life when I had the dds. I'm a bit obsessional about it now. Everything possible is done the night before (lunches etc) and or laid out (uniform). If I can remove a task from morning routine I've removed it ruthlessly.

I lay out my work clothes too and have been known to do the whole week in advance.

This doesn't come naturally to me but the longer I persevere the easier it gets.

I've also put some little hacks in the op might find useful.

*school socks are kept in a little plastic basket for each child and not put in with ordinary socks ever. The tights go in there too. I would extend this to keeping all the uniform together and separate from weekend clothes.

*if you can buy 5 sets of uniform. Uniforms are washed once a week soon as they get in on Fridays.

Thank you everyone for all the advice about the clothes - I'm taking it on board. I do have some quite expensive stuff (Hobbs, Ted Baker, Phase Eight, & Other Stories, etc) that would really help financially to sell. But I can comfortably part with the rest, which is probably about half of what is in the bags. It's definitely stalling the decluttering progress, so I'm going to put the whole lot to one side and get them out again on the weekend - whatever isn't listed on the weekend, I will donate on Monday. 🫥

@BertieBotts That could have been our household you were describing... 😅 I've kept the kitchen counters clear (apart from the original decluttering pile and DH's recent additions) for 2 weeks and it has had a massive impact. From what we have for breakfast (because all the bowls are clean), to what we have for dinner (because the pans have all been washed and not left on the hob, so there's also space to cook!). We're spending less money on food because I'm cooking proper meals and able to cook the meals we've planned, so there's been a massive reduction in waste.

@pastypirate Thanks for the tips! I've been thinking about getting 5 sets of uniform for a while because we always have to do at least one midweek wash and it's so stressful! Thankfully, DS1 has free school lunches, but he needs a lot of cajoling/encouragement in the mornings, so the smaller the list, the better. We have a whiteboard with times for everything: SH jokes that it's for me rather than DS and I think he might be right!

I'm back sleeping 14hrs and low energy so no decluttering but much better as kitchen sorted daily and living room and bathroom ok. I'm finding it really helps as I'm dealing with stuff rather than just thinking about it. Good news is a friend has a mobility scooter I can have so will be able to get to charity shop and recycling centre.

Sorry reason for my post. It is worth looking to see if there is a Baby Bank and Uniform Exchange in your local area.

Argh! I just deleted my diary post 😭

Can't believe I just did that - had nearly finished too... Will do brief notes. 😅

Day 17
DH and I were out all day. DH bought PS5 and we ordered a stove for the fireplace that's been empty for 7 years! We're both feeling great about the house and the future! 🥰 Busy afternoon: school run, club, parent's evening. Still managed to reset and vacuum. Watched the final episode of Sort Your Life Out. 😭

Day 18
Coming up

Day 18
DH was out from 7am to 8pm 😩 Reset the living room, dining space and kitchen before MIL came over this morning. I also removed the broken toilet seat because I was worried it might cause an accident! DH will fit a family seat at some point this week🤞 MIL looked after DS2 whilst I had an appointment, then I spent the morning playing with DS2 before lunch and nap 🥰 I reorganised the play unit so that the age appropriate toys for DS2 are in the living room and the older toys for DS1 are in the front room. I'm mentally filing some toys to donate when I get to them.

Had lunch and watched Dana K. White declutter 😅 then read the thread and realised everyone was telling me to ditch the clothes! Thought I'd give it one last shot, so got out iron and ironing board, and looked for pilling comb (fail). Mini declutter along the way with the Dana method: trash and "if I needed this item, where would I look for it?". Found a jumper to donate! Only photographed 5 items before school run, then post office for DH's returns, Sainsbury's, haircut for DS1, then home for dinner and bedtime routine.

DH got home at 8pm and helped reset after DC were in bed ❤️ told me the photos were really bad 😅 that's when I had a rethink about donating vs. selling.

I already feel better about tomorrow because I know I don't plan to do the clothes 😅 instead, I'm going to donate the jumper, clean the TV and unit and list them on Olio, then tackle the original kitchen clutter pile.