Hand hold - declutter diary

[myhouseandhome]

Hi, I've name-changed because I feel I need a fresh start and singular focus. I'm also feeling quite a lot of shame and overwhelm. I owe it to myself and my family to get it together and sort out our house. This is quite a long one and I hope it will be ongoing, so thank you if you take the time to read, but understand if you don't...

I'm 39 with a wonderful DH and 2DC (currently on maternity leave). DH works full-time from home and does all DIY and most of the housework, including laundry, cooking, dishwasher. He can't do any more than he already does and I can't believe he is still with me, if I'm honest. We have been together since we were teenagers and I know he loves me, but I don't think he's happy. He is starting to struggle to cope at home. He's been struggling for years, if I'm honest with myself.

Growing up, I never lived in a clean and tidy house. There is neuro-divergence in the family, but I don't want to use it as an excuse. I've always struggled with even basics like cooking and washing up, and personal grooming, let alone running a family home. I have never had a routine and keep everything, so although there have been periods in our lives when our homes looked okay, it's always been stressful and I've never felt on top of things. Now with 2DC, it is out of control. God, I don't even know where to start. I could cry.

We have lived together for nearly 20 years and I have accumulated stuff in all that time. Today, DH dug out payslips from when I was 17! And I can barely bring myself to get rid of them! What's worse is that the clutter, disorganisation, and lack of routine means that the house is not only untidy, but also filthy. I'm so embarrassed.

Anyway, I've bitten the bullet and agreed to sort it out once and for all. I'm going to do a daily post. Maybe one in the morning and a follow-up in the evening. And I'll share before and after photos when I feel I can. Please, please let me know if this should be on a different board, but I hope I'll get a little support and feel accountable to someone other than my poor DH.

My 5yo has a birthday this month, so it would be really lovely to have made progress by then.I'll start tomorrow.x

Photos!

• the cleaning splurge. I tried to find the Aldi receipt to return the oxy active after buying the Ace, but I must have left it at the shop. 😩 Let me know if you use any of these! Got the dryer sheets for dusting - they've been on my shopping list for ages.
• an unimpressive photo of a mopped floor. 😅 It didn't come up in the photos because the spotlights cast a shadow, but it was really filthy. 😷 I went over it with the mop but had to scrub by hand. Hopefully, I can maintain it now!

I can't see why it wouldn't, it's really good for greasy things. I second or third the professional oven clean, it's like starting again with a new oven!

You asked about time consuming cleaning.

I think it is brilliant that you are focusing on daily rituals and it is flexing your housekeeping muscles. In reality do the bathroom and loo sinks and toilet need doing every day? You are 3 people using them 🤷‍♀️. This is not to derail you but could you try every other day see how it feels. Ours gets done once a week unless people are coming over and more for hygiene rather than dirty.

The time that you save you could wipe the bath/shower or clean the loo floor for example.

I second this. Ours gets done once a week unless obviously filthy or if guests are coming over. Every day is tough.

Love this thread. My car gets gross really quickly I'm sharing my method. I put a packet of wt wipes in the driver door pocket thing and clean the dash board when I'm stationary in traffic. Just a very small thing but keeps the dashboard and steering wheel etc a bit cleaner.
I also in warmer weather slush some zoflora on the upholstery and let it dry overnight then the car smells much better the next day x

Have just caught up with this thread and it’s really inspired me - please keep updating us! I like following along with others journey.

we are moving house soon so I’m trying to Declutter as much as we can - I struggle with balancing the daily maintenance/cleaning and Decluttering.

i do find the daily tidying gets quicker once you are in a routine with it - you become faster and with daily maintenance there is less and less to do each time. I also find tidying throughout the day as much as possible really helps cut down this time - every time I go into a room I tidy one thing away - even if it’s just a teaspoon on the side. Over the course of the day it really adds up and stops the mess from little ones etc building up. I also aim where I can to do mini tidy’s throughout the day - 15 minutes in the morning, 10 minutes at about 4:30/while I’m cooking dinner, and then 20 minutes at night. I don’t usually manage all 3 to be honest, but always get that 20 minutes in the evening done. I focus on downstairs in that time, start with just tidying things away, then a quick wipe of the table and kitchen sides and a really quick go of the kitchen floor. I got a microfibre mop on Amazon for about £20 and it’s great for a quick clean of the floors - I sweep with it, then use some method floor cleaner that you just squirt straight onto the floor and mop it with the microfibre mop as well. I still have to use the proper mop once a week or so as it’s really just a surface clean/doesn’t get much up but keeps the kitchen floor looking shiny and takes 2 minutes because I only need the one tool, no faffing about with the vacuum or filling a mop bucket. It has washable heads so I throw them into the wash with the cleaning cloths and have a clean one every day.

@witmum @wednamenov Thank you! I've got a visitor tomorrow, so as I'd cleaned them last night I gave myself permission to do them in the morning instead of tonight. I think I'm just worried about letting something go now that I've started and can see the difference it's making!

@pastypirate Love these tips! You reminded me of a friend that keeps cat litter in a sock on the dashboard - apparently it stops the condensation build up over night and in cold weather, so he doesn't get a foggy windscreen. 🤯 Maybe someone with a cat could try this out... 😅

@Tryingtoread I don't envy you the house move, but hopefully your new home will be worth all the effort you're putting in now! I've been thinking about the times that I have available to me throughout the day to clean and think I can probably be more judicious with my time. There have been a couple of days when I've cleaned at a "better" time and I've felt much more relaxed and in top of things. I definitely feel like 9am-10am, 1pm-2pm, and after 8pm are when I'm getting most done. Will reflect on this!

Day 11
I'm feeling better every day! I've honestly got so much more energy and I'm not dragging my feet to get anything done - I'm actually looking forward to it! I know there's a long list of things to do, but I've found it's really helping to only think about 1 or 2 small tasks each day.

DH was out from 7-6 today, so a long day by myself with DC. DS2 was up quite early, so had a long nap from 9:30-11! I worked from the front to the back on the ground floor: laundry folded and put on the stairs (put away when DS2 woke up!), living room reset, dining room table cleaned (DS2 is BLW so this is a thorough job 3 times a day), kitchen reset, dishwasher emptied, laundry on. My reward was breakfast! 😅

I made lunch from a packet of beetroot that was going out of date. It's so weird that I haven't touched the fridge, yet I've been naturally decluttering its contents! I had a mini sort out of a kitchen cupboard to find walnuts - we've got 2 open packets. Found some paper straws that DS1 wanted for an art project! Also needed tahini and we had 2 jars - one dated 2019! Used up the bread to make breadcrumbs, so no throwing away the crusts. 🏆

Needed some fresh air after being at home all day, so got home at 4pm and started on dinner straight away. I actually cleaned as I went and DS2 helped which made it lots of fun. 🥰

Roped DH into helping me with my project today which was to swap the play kitchen into the living room, and the piano next to the kitchen counter. The play kitchen was a dumping ground - I've moved everything to the dining area table so I can deal with it tomorrow! I vacuumed the living room and DH vacuumed the hall.

Before bed, DH set the dishwasher, then I washed up, cleaned the hob and counters, and reset the living room. I'm really proud of myself because I didn't just leave the jar of tahini for another day (this kind of old food used to be there for weeks before getting dealt with). I scooped the contents into a paper towel, binned it, and washed out the jar.

Tomorrow, I've got a visitor! Someone who hasn't been to the house before. 😰 So tomorrow I need to declutter the hallway dumping ground and declutter the pile of stuff on the dining table. Then I'll reset everything for when they're due!

Only 4 more days left to list the clothes 😬 I found a good spot in the house (back of a newish door in a room with lots of natural light), so just need to get on!

Photos!

• play kitchen and piano swap!
• clutter to deal with tomorrow. There's so much random stuff, especially in the bowl... I also found birthday presents for my mum and sister's birthdays in September. And a hair brush that I thought I'd lost!
• clothes to list
• 2019 😷

You’re doing so well. I often have stages where I do what you’re doing, it lasts till about Day 3 or 4. If you can keep the momentum going you’ve got this nailed, well done you

Its amazing how your mindset has changed in 11 days!

Once everything has a place to be (rather than just on the nearest available surface) its easier to keep things ticking over. As you walk past it you just pick it up and put it where it should be. It avoids massive tidy ups!

Also to help tidying, I try to keep our drawers and cupboards only 50-75% full. Easier to tidy and find things. I decluttered loads of saucepans so now I have 3. And they are next to each other, not nestled in each other. Makes me happy every time I easily grab one.

You are doing so well and I am so pleased you are still going strong. I've had a bad week and this is normally where it all fall apart, but thanks to those who recommended Dana M White my kitchen is still clear and the living room can be fixed rather than overwhelming me.

@Pibolar Thank you! I don't really know why I've been able to keep going this time. I think I'm being much kinder to myself than I ever have been. Usually I feel like I'm failing when everything isn't perfect, but I've been trying to focus on small achievements instead.

@TadpolesInPool I can't believe the difference in our house and relationships already! My DS1 has soon to be diagnosed undiagnosed SEN and it's had a huge impact on him. All positive. I'm definitely finding tidying much easier and less of an effort already.

The drawers and cupboards tip is a good one. I'm looking forward to getting into those soon! DH actually decluttered a couple of pans this week that were falling apart. He's had them since uni and we only use them when our 'good' pans are dirty. I've added a milk pan to my wishlist 😅

@nixnjj Thank you! I'm sorry you've had a bad week 😔 I'm loving Dana K White too. I've even gone back to watch her videos from the start. Her oldest is where she declutters a kitchen drawer - she's so relatable, isn't she?! In one of her early vlogs, she talks about the job never being done, but rather than feel bad about it, she accepts it for what it is and tries to find the strategies that help her the most. I'm really trying to adjust my mindset. Good luck with the rest of this week - sounds like you're doing great if your kitchen and living room are manageable!

Day 12
A day of two halves, or three thirds, or something!

Slept in until 8am this morning - DS2 was awake several times through the night. 😴 DH did the school run, and I had breakfast and showered. As soon as DS2 went down for a nap, I knew I had somewhere between 30 mins and 2 hours before my visitor arrived. DH vacuumed the entrance hall. I totally lost my ability to focus and was just wandering aimlessly before I gave my head a wobble and picked one small task at a time: vacuumed living room, dining room, kitchen and bathroom; reset all the rooms; downstairs toilet and sink cleaned.

Then onto some naughty clutter hiding (this will haunt me tomorrow): left the kitchen clutter (it's acceptable baby paraphernalia); dining table clutter into a box, clothes to be listed, random ride-on toy, stuff stashed next to sofa - all hidden in DS1's bedroom 🫥; entrance hall clutter popped in a bag and stashed in the front room 🫥. I know, I know...😳 Then I could see all the finger marks and dust, so washed the banister, cleaned/dusted the radiators/shelves x 3, cleaned the TV screen, the living room mirror, the coffee table, dusted pictures and was just putting laundry on when MIL arrived! The house looked amazing! 😂 Then my visitor arrived! There was still clutter on the shelves, but it looked lived in rather than like a tornado had hit it. 😂

DS2 was napping and I was having lunch, planning to get started on the clothes, when DF rings to say he'll be visiting in an hour or 2! I've seen him once this year... 🤷‍♀️ Thank goodness the house had been sorted! Clothes listing was derailed and had an interesting moment when DS1 wanted to show off his bedroom and I remembered I'd stashed all the clutter in there. 🤣 But it was really lovely to enjoy having people visit! 🏆🥰

To top it all off, DF's car broke down on the way home, so I left to pick him up - was gone for a couple of hours. When I get back, the kitchen and dining table are still a mess, DH has emptied 3 shelves and the TV unit because a TV he ordered this morning is being delivered and installed tomorrow. 🤷‍♀️ I was trying really hard to be grateful and not lose my shit. 😭 But realised that it wouldn't take long to reset the dining room and kitchen: I emptied the dishwasher, reloaded it, washed up, cleaned the surfaces and hob, and it was done!

What a day!!! 😴

Photos!

• entrance hall before and after
• TV unit contents and empty shelves (These were absolutely packed with books, DVDs, toys and craft stuff which DH has moved to the floor and to other places in the house. I'm breathing calmly... )
• my hidden clutter (which is why I know I can't really be annoyed with DH... )

Going to consider my priorities in the morning. 😴

How are you feeling OP? Are you more relaxed and happy?

Or are you agitated to keep going?

I only asked because when I did a major declutter I got hyperfocused on it and found I couldn't settle and always wanted to be sorting and clearing. The worst was spending hours remaking lego sets to sell. I just couldn't sit until they were done and DH got quite frustrated. (On the plus side I sold them for a lot of money!).

I didn't always take care of my health and wellbeing at that time.

However our house is now wonderfully streamlined and lovely to relax in and easy to clean so the benefits are enormous.

Remember to take care of yourself too.

Day 13
A really short update today. I made the beds, reset the living room, dining room and kitchen after the school run, lunch, dinner, and before going to bed, no laundry (because I haven't got a full load!), cleaned the toilet that DS1 uses (the other toilet and both sinks were fine - I've given myself permission to skip a day), made beds.

Nothing else happened today! 🫥 The TV will be delivered tomorrow now, so after the school run and breakfast DH and I went for a coffee and did a supermarket shop. Then it was lunch for DS2, I fed myself, reset, school run, swimming, dinner/bath/reading/bedtime by myself, and a massive PTFA admin job that I finished at 11pm. Then I fed DS2. 😅

Pleased to have maintained the tidiness, but any decluttering progress went out the window! Last day to list the clothes tomorrow... 😰 It was raining today, so terrible light for photos anyway. I think tomorrow will be brighter. 🤞

Can I just say that I find this so inspiring @myhouseandhome! I check in on your updates daily all the way here in Australia.

As a result I have taken some time this week to get on top of things at my house and focussing on ‘resetting’ constantly. My children are older (13 and 10) and this week we have been setting a timer for 15 minutes each night to put things away and prepare for the next day. I have noticed such a difference to my overall well-being.

So keep it up, don’t worry if one day isn’t as good as the last. Progress is still progress!

Just catching up on your diary for my morning inspiration…. I have someone visiting this afternoon. I’m starting with the best intentions to make it look a bit more presentable but I know full well I’m going to do the ‘panic stash it in a random place thing’ i hate it when this happens as it ends up undoing the hard work and making more work for myself 🤦‍♀️

but hey, needs must sometimes. Don’t beat yourself up over it, you’re doing so well, you can allow to let things slip from time to time.

Day 14
Should have posted last night, but I was so tired I fell straight to sleep!

I had a busy start to the day doing something for the PTFA at school. Didn't get home until 10:30, prepped for lunch, put DS2 down for a nap, and was just gearing up for an afternoon of getting stuff done (like last Friday!), when the TV arrived and the installation started. 😰

DH sprung into action making space for them, but piles of stuff were being put on every available surface! The lovely clear surfaces! 😱 The old TV and unit were put in the dining area. Nothing had been cleaned or tidied after lunch, so all I was thinking was that we were right back at square one. 😭 I was tasked with taking the baby out because they were drilling into the walls (another stress!).

When I got home about an hour later, DH said they'd had to drill into the walls three times to get it centred and leave room for the soundbar. 😱 DH and I then spent the afternoon moving furniture and working out how the new TV worked before DS1 got home. His challenging behaviours are triggered by change and screentime helps him regulate, so it was quite stressful trying to set everything up in time. He loved it though!

By the time MIL had left and DC were both in bed, it was really late. I hadn't done any tidying or cleaning, clothes were still in DS1's bedroom where I'd put them before the TV was delivered. I picked up fish and chips for dinner and DH and I watched a film, then straight to bed.

Will post about today later, but so far I've been in a really low mood. 😭 I'm tired and the house was a tip this morning. Will give an update at the end of the day.

I have just read this thread and I’m so impressed and pleased for you to see your mindset change. I can see how the TV going in has been hard work but I really hope it is easier to tidy up from then it would have been a few weeks ago.

My DF is a hoarder and I have these tendencies and have worked very hard to change my mind set. My DH isn’t sentimental about belongings and it was hard for him when I kept so many things. I am much better now, although our house is by no means minimalist - but that is not my aim. But do know that I found it does get easier to part with things, for me the worst is things we are given. I sell very little, the mental space from giving it straight to charity is worth more to me than the weeks of stress and thinking involved in selling something.

@myhouseandhome Please don’t feel disheartened. Decluttering and housework are never ending jobs. Chin up and carry on with what you’ve been doing.

The more you declutter, the easier your life will become and days like yesterday, which happen to us all, will be much easier to deal with when you’ve got less physical ‘stuff’.

Hope you're doing ok OP, you're doing amazing so far.

This might seem off topic, but I was listening to a podcast about anger a few months back. They had an expert on who used this joke to illustrate his point

Q: How do you get to Carnegie Hall?
A: practice, practice, practice

Anger, he said, becomes an entrenched learned response the more we do it. So you need to 'practice' not being angry just as fiercely. Even if it feels unnatural.

I've started to apply that logic to everything.

Q: How do I stop being depressed?
A: practice, practice, practice

So you are practicing and learning.

If you start out knowing that you're not an expert, that you have years of learning things the wrong way to unpick, but that you will practice whenever you can to change your life, then you WILL change your life.

You will hopefully also be more forgiving of yourself. If you have a bad day, it's not because you are a failure. It's because you needed a small break from practicing. Your fingers and mind are tired. It's hard work. You need a little rest. Starting again tomorrow doesn't mean you are at ground zero, or that everything you've done before is wasted. Tomorrow you build on those skills a bit more.

Until eventually you will be playing that concerto without a single missed note and you will feel so proud. Keep practicing and noticing the small improvements and progress. x

I bookmarked your thread ages ago and have only just caught up- you're doing amazingly! I also grew up in a messy house, have two dc, and am nearly 40, lol, and I learnt how to declutter and tidy last year. It's been quite a journey, frustrating and satisfying in equal measure. I found arrival of dc2 to be a definite tipping point in volume of stuff, somehow.

Off the back of this thread I bought Banish Clutter Forever too and omg it is absolutely not going to work for me! I like a slob comes clean.

Will be following and cheering you on!