Please will you kindly support and advise me, as I try to help a friend sort out his home?

[EatingTheElephantInChunks]

Yesterday I started to try to help a friend sort out his home. If I tell you that it took me nearly 3 hours to clear a space on the bathroom floor about 3ft x 4ft, you will probably understand how things are. Today I did a little better. In about 2 hours I cleared another space the same size, which meant I could open a cupboard. Two shelves were almost empty, so I was able to clean those and use them for storage. I will carry on next time with the other 2 shelves and continue clearing the bathroom floor.

It was very satisfying to get rid of a whole binbag of rubbish yesterday and a half bag today, plus a bag and a half of recycling, and a small bag of confidential waste to shred. There is a folding storage crate of things to keep so far, but I'll go through that again to see if I've missed anything that should be thrown out or recycled.

My friend has got into this situation after many years of serious illness and close bereavements, has no family left and few friends, certainly not really close ones. He has been at the stage for several years where he doesn't have visitors. He needs many repairs and much decorating doing, and is getting to the stage where carers visiting would be helpful. I am hoping to get him to the stage where that will be possible. He is such a nice guy, and it's a shame that life has gradually got smaller and smaller for him over the years. It must be terribly lonely.

I feel honoured that he has trusted me with the truth of how things are. I can't talk to anyone IRL as I know it's essential to protect his privacy, and I have changed my username in case anyone makes the connections. I could do with some mumsnet wisdom and support! I have never felt such a sense of achievement over a bit of floorspace 3ft x 4ft, but equally the enormity of the task hit me.

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The author - writing under the pseudonym EatingTheElephantInChunks - claims and owns the copyright of all her posts dated on and after 14th August 2018 as her intellectual property and as a moral right and which are all her own individual and original work. Reproduction in whole or part or any other use is strictly prohibited without her prior written permission.

[Edited by MNHQ at posters request]

I was thinking about all the on the thread as I put my own empty into the recycling at home today. So alas, no last night or this evening! Fear not folks, it had been on the go for a respectable length of time - I've not been driven to drink by this house clearing malarkey, just yet anyway...

I was also thinking about someone stumbling across the thread and just reading last night's bath cleaning post rather than the whole thread. What a snowflake they would think I am, making such fuss about cleaning a bath. Little would they know it was no ordinary bath.

Ah. No ordinary bath. Indeed it was not! It's a resurrected bath, back from beyond the grave!

Indeed, bucking, indeed. A born again bath!

Just a quick update:

I spent yesterday 'closing the door' for now on the bathroom. I went through the storage crates I'm using, and there's now 3 for the kitchen, one for the cat, and one miscellaneous. There's absolutely nothing in the bathroom now that isn't meant to be in the bathroom or waiting in a tidy crate to be put into use in the right room. There's absolutely no rubbish or recycling. It smells fresh, the cupboard is in use and tidy, the floor is clear, there's space to move around and it looks quite clean. I made a list of about a dozen relatively small things still to do in there, (for example de-cobwebbing the top section of the walls and ceiling, putting in a bulb and putting up the new blind when it arrives), but I'm content with where it's at for now, especially in comparison with where it was at the start of last week.

Thanks to everyone who has posted so far for all your interest, advice and support. It has really been appreciated and has helped me on this first stage of what is likely to be quite a long journey.

When the spiders are looking for new homes, your gin bottle is empty, and the rose in the jug on the windowsill has died, it's a sign it's time to close the bathroom door for now, and move on to stage 2. Wish me luck. I think I'm going to need it.

Are you going for the kitchen next? You might find some more saucepan lids! I predict you will need strong gloves and bags and a strong stomach...

Well done Elephant. A new blind will be a longer lasting update than the rose - and perhaps your friend might like to replace the gin for you in return?

Looking forward to your next updates. I do think you should tackle kitchen next, as I said, but you know your own energy so make sure you’re being realistic. And keep an eye on the bathroom for signs of recluttering!

You are doing a great job, and it will be being valued, even if it doesn’t stay perfect and untouched afterwards.

I have the beginnings of a hoarders house as I became very ill 8 years ago and I can’t bottom things out or change the purpose of rooms or unpack when forced to move from place to place, or when ds grows up and out of toys and furniture etc, so I have to live with all these piles of crap around me which I’m never well enough to even organise someone else to tackle, let alone do it myself. Ironically there’s boxes and piles of stuff everywhere but in the cupboards they are often empty as that’s how they were left and I can’t tackle the huge problem of sorting through and getting everything into furniture I can’t even see anymore.

Even stuff that looks ok really isn’t. My dressing table is a time capsule to 2009 when I could put on foundation and use that bronzer and hair stuff before going out to my professional job. Now I’m bed bound and can’t reach the makeup to put it on, and it doesn’t go with my skin tone anymore even if I could slap it on, as I’m so much paler now and it’s all sensitive and flakey too.

Soooo, basically, run forwards another decade and maybe I’d be being called a hoarder. I’m sure people think I like living like this now, or I ‘choose’ it.

Easier to think that than see the reality for people I guess.

I guess what I’m saying is that don’t be too quick to write him off as a hoarder with a mental problem that will render all your help completely pointless.

Maybe it will change his existence.

Thank you, WellThis. I was moved by your post. Thank you for taking the trouble to post and for your honesty. I feel that my friend, like you, has not actively chosen to live this way, and does not want to live this way, but rather life has well and truly bitten him on the bum. Hoarder or not, mental illhealth or not, I imagine few people actively choose to live like this, and most people are deserving of a little help. Often that help isn't there, or in time, or enough.

It's taken me too long to act, but once I saw the reality, I couldn't walk away or judge. I don't have your confidence that I will be able to make it perfect, but thank you! I doubt all my efforts will remain untouched, but that's OK. I know it's a risk about just how 'touched' (!) it will get, but it's a risk I've decided to take. Hearing your story has made me even more sure that I'm doing the right thing to at least try to help.

Thinking of you, and wishing you well. Take care, and I hope help comes your way too.

Thanks NoSq. As well as the gin, I am missing an earring! The moral of this story is she who is daft enough to wear precious earrings when houseclearing, can't go crying when she loses one and it's probably been swept up and thrown out with the cat litter! It's a learning curve, that's for sure.

So far so good with the bathroom, but it's very early days.

Not much to update as busy with the DCs today and probably most of tomorrow, but I managed to pick up some more storage crates - I'm finding them really useful so far. I've also been having a think about what next - whether to keep to the original plan as in a PP to do the stairs, landing and single bedroom for safety and access reasons and to give him a refuge, or not. I'm feeling a bit about tackling the kitchen just yet. Archer's warning rings true, unfortunately. And I wouldn't be surprised if I have nightmares about being chased by legions of malevolent saucepan lids either!

You know I said I'd closed the door on the bathroom? Well, the bathroom blind has arrived at top speed, so I'm not going to be able to resist opening that door a smidgen to put the new blind up!

Well the new bathroom blind is up, so that's much better.

I'm now on with the stairs. Vintage 2011-early 2018 so far. Lots of things going straight in the BIN, you'll be pleased to hear. I might not mind spiders too much, but I really mind silverfish - yuck!!!

Four and a half stairs clear and reasonably clean. This certainly is in chunks. Some treasures rediscovered and rescued, but still plenty for the bin. I'll correct the vintage now to 2010, more of the little prehistoric beasties bothering me, and slightly strong stomach required for the 'guess what this once was' game (food, but what?!).

You're doing wonders there.

Half way down the stairs is the stair where I sit....

Just call me Kermit.

Well, more than halfway down to be accurate. Stairs done 6.5. Stairs to go 5.5. Treasures, rubbish, recycling, confidential waste, beachcombing finds and, inexplicably, a brand new iron. Depressingly I had to throw out an unopened bottle of mulled wine yesterday alongside lots of tins of soup and fish and jars of pasta sauce, but found the first saveable item for the Christmas crate - a packet of card pegs, which he apparently spends a long time looking for every year! All still vintage 2010-18. More of the unmentionable creatures, and lots of spiders to apologise to for sudden enforced evictions. Time for a .

Thank you so much Toofle.

An amazing thread to read. I hope your kindness will be something that helps change for the better.

I wonder about starting the cleaner now, just to do the bathroom once a week for now? It might help to have them start while you are still there? I would go for twice as long as you think - maybe 4 hours a week?

Thanks annan. The problem with starting a cleaner now, (which otherwise would be a good idea), is that he wouldn't let anyone in the house yet. So unless they'd be prepared to shimmy up and down a ladder in and out of the bathroom it's a non-starter until I've made quite a lot of progress elsewhere unfortunately. Thanks for the tip about the cleaning time though, that's a help, and I think you're right about getting a cleaner to start asap...whenever asap is!

I've just been having a read through all the thread again with my cuppa. Apologies to everyone I haven't replied to yet, but I will do.

Well done, Elephant! I do t like silverfish either- yuck!

Sounds as though the stairs will be a relatively quick win compared to the bathroom so good call on that.

Wish we could see photos!

Hope you’ve enjoyed the well deserved .

Kitchen! kitchen! kitchen!

Well done elephant that bathroom sounds goooood. Have a huge cup of tea.

Only came across your thread today - what an amazing person you are. Our house is fairly cluttered (maybe between level 2 and 3 if I use the scale someone posted earlier ) and you have inspired me to do something about it. Good luck

Well that's me done for today. I've been defeated by time and the need to get home, but just popping in for a quick update with a large glass of water to wash down the dust.

My alter ego Kermit is now down sitting on stair 8.5 with 3.5 to go. I am not looking forward to stair 12, which does not look good. Please note that 2 of the 8.5 are very big stairs as stairs go.

My aim today was to finish all the stairs, the window, curtains and sill, but I am trying not to feel too downhearted. A home wasn't rebuilt in a day.

It's funny that I nearly managed to trip and fall down the CLEAR stairs today, (no harm done, I saved myself, just), when one of the reasons for doing the stairs next was safety, and I've managed perfectly well on the cluttered stairs until now!

Thanks to everyone for your posts. I'll reply later or tomorrow hopefully. My dusty achey bod has got an appointment with the family, a soak in the bath, some food and a glass of Sauvignon Blanc.

When you find yourself talking to a large bold spider keeping you determined company while you clear and clean, it's probably time to pack up and head home.

I like the idea of the spider friend.

You've destroyed that spiders love nests and wrecked their plans for the imminent spider season of lust.

Achey this morning. Stairs are hard on back, neck and knees, despite using the DCs' outgrown pullups as improvised kneeling pads because I couldn't find my garden one. Needs must.

Yes Wally, I need my houseclearing friends at the moment, be it kind mumsnetters or spiders. It was funny because I expected her/him to scurry off and even tried to shoo her/him off but she/he was having none of it. I even ended up cleaning in a centimetre circumference around her/him. Strangely when I packed up to go she/he departed too, off to stair 10 and beyond. Perhaps she/he'll appear again and needs a name. Suggestions welcome.

I think, bucking, that those spiders have already been playing their Barry White, given all the little ones that scurried out of one particular corner...

That's what I'll call the spider. Barry. Perhaps it's a Barrina, but it was quite a big characterful beast.