Please will you kindly support and advise me, as I try to help a friend sort out his home?

[EatingTheElephantInChunks]

Yesterday I started to try to help a friend sort out his home. If I tell you that it took me nearly 3 hours to clear a space on the bathroom floor about 3ft x 4ft, you will probably understand how things are. Today I did a little better. In about 2 hours I cleared another space the same size, which meant I could open a cupboard. Two shelves were almost empty, so I was able to clean those and use them for storage. I will carry on next time with the other 2 shelves and continue clearing the bathroom floor.

It was very satisfying to get rid of a whole binbag of rubbish yesterday and a half bag today, plus a bag and a half of recycling, and a small bag of confidential waste to shred. There is a folding storage crate of things to keep so far, but I'll go through that again to see if I've missed anything that should be thrown out or recycled.

My friend has got into this situation after many years of serious illness and close bereavements, has no family left and few friends, certainly not really close ones. He has been at the stage for several years where he doesn't have visitors. He needs many repairs and much decorating doing, and is getting to the stage where carers visiting would be helpful. I am hoping to get him to the stage where that will be possible. He is such a nice guy, and it's a shame that life has gradually got smaller and smaller for him over the years. It must be terribly lonely.

I feel honoured that he has trusted me with the truth of how things are. I can't talk to anyone IRL as I know it's essential to protect his privacy, and I have changed my username in case anyone makes the connections. I could do with some mumsnet wisdom and support! I have never felt such a sense of achievement over a bit of floorspace 3ft x 4ft, but equally the enormity of the task hit me.

COPYRIGHT NOTICE
The author - writing under the pseudonym EatingTheElephantInChunks - claims and owns the copyright of all her posts dated on and after 14th August 2018 as her intellectual property and as a moral right and which are all her own individual and original work. Reproduction in whole or part or any other use is strictly prohibited without her prior written permission.

[Edited by MNHQ at posters request]

What a kind and fantastic thing you are doing for your friend Op. I just wanted to share my neighbour's story with you as it's more positive than some that have been shared.

Five years ago I had to call the police as I'd heard shouting coming from our NDN house. Our NDN lived alone, never spoke to anyone and his house was terrible, think broken window, over grown garden, never put his rubbish out etc. The shouting sounded like he was calling for help and then stopped. I was worried about him and called the police and they ended up breaking in and with the firebrigades help got him out. The house was in a much worse state than anyone had imagined. Waist deep with rubbish and clutter and the stairs broken and unusable.

NDN had mental health issues and it had all got too much for him. The house was cleared and done up and 5 years on he keeps on top of everything although he doesn't go for the 'less is more's style of decorating

Good luck Op!

You are doing a really good thing. Set small, achievable goals each day and ensure your friend helps even in small ways. Do ensure he has carers in future as they can help him keep on top of housework and paperwork. for you.

I think the other thing to consider is that at the moment all the stuff is basically inaccessible. He cannot know what he does or doesn’t own and he cannot access it. It’s therefore the same utility as if he didn’t own it. This means almost everything can just go in the bin. Frankly, I wouldn’t sort for charity shops or for recycling, and I am a really keen recycler and reused myself, because otherwise it may just take forever. Bag it, bin it and do a trip to the landfill if you can.

You're doing well. I hope you are getting some satisfaction from your progress, even though it sounds back breaking work and you aren't seeing your family.

How is the guy you're helping? Do you think he's pleased with the work you're doing? Relieved? Do you think he would benefit from seeing a counsellor? From your op it sounded like the hoarding sort of crept up on him as he had a series of bad life events but I also wondered if there was a deeper reason and he needed extra support in order to not allow his place to get cluttered after you have finished.

Well done Eating! You are doing a lovely thing.

I think I was coming at it from Nacreous’s point of view -

I think the other thing to consider is that at the moment all the stuff is basically inaccessible. He cannot know what he does or doesn’t own and he cannot access it. It’s therefore the same utility as if he didn’t own it. This means almost everything can just go in the bin.

So less sorting more chucking!
But I am hard-hearted, I must admit. And I do understand you feel you’re in a position of trust so don’t want to upset that.

Would it be practical to give a carrier bag full of small things, like you describe, to your friend to sort through? It’s a job that can be dine whilst sitting in front if the TV, for instance, and if you provided him with the bin bag, recycling box and a keepsake box he could do it sitting down & feel like he’s helping?

That would free your time a bit to concentrate on the heavy lifting, so to speak?

Another thought is that you could take carrier bags like that away with you to sort at your own house at your leisure (with a G&T from a comfy chair!) and then just return the few bits to him when you’d discovered them?

Wish I could come & help!

Btw, a practical tip for the bathroom light - you can get those motion sensor ones which would be useful for him, I assume, in the middle of the night? If part of the reason the loo is in a state is lack of lighting?

Amazon:

Mr. Beams MB720 Wireless Battery-Powered Motion-Sensing LED Stick-Anywhere Nightlight

Also, you have mentioned the upstairs a lot but how is the downstairs - living room & kitchen - and his bedroom? I think if it’s the case he’ll need carers and a cleaner soon, he needs those places acceptable so that he’s not embarrassed and with your limited time the other spare bedrooms could just wait indefinitely if no one really NEEDS to go in them?

Just popping in from the comfort of my sofa with a cup of tea. A week in now, and it's shifted something in me I think, in that I appreciate being able to do this even more and, after each chunk of the elephant is eaten, feel I've really earned the cuppa or the long hot shower and clean clothes. Every chunk is, I hope, a chunk closer to my friend getting his home and aspects of life he used to enjoy back.

I also wanted to say a huge thank you to everyone who has taken the time to respond to the thread so far with advice and support. It really is helping to be able to read the posts, and especially as it can feel a bit of a lonely, hard and emotional task at times, it's nice to have some company along the way with the trials, tribulations and small triumphs.

Disclaimer: No elephants are actually being harmed.

Yup, I might be a heartless caaawh (said in an Eastenders voice!) but I'm afraid things like unopened toiletries, expired medications and random saucepan lids would be going straight to the tip if it was me... the only things I particularly kept an eye out for and fished out were really important documents like passports and birth certificates, and truly irreplaceable things like family photos (and I suspect I may not have saved all these either). I did take some stuff to charity but only where it was as easy as taking to the tip, e.g. where I could shovel a pile of paperbacks into a big bag and drop off at a nearby charity.

It does take some getting used to as it's a million miles from my normal habits, at home I am fanatical about waste and recycling and would never just wantonly bin stuff. But at my dad's place it was the only way to retain sanity, I would still be there sorting otherwise.

Keep going, chin up, remember you are earning a ton of good karma for this! Make sure you regularly change position (set a timer on your phone to remind you if you get absorbed in the task and forget), don't kneel for hours and knacker your knees for goodness sake (how will you keep cleaning if you do?! ), switch up sorting with carrying bags out to the car or perhaps now a small area of floor is clear, bring in a kitchen chair and have lighter stuff like papers on your knees and a bag at your feet?

Wish I could come & help!

One of my favourite books from my childhood, and to read to my own DCs, is The Elves and the Shoemaker. What a lovely daydream to have a team of mumsnetter-elves, led by (a slightly softer-hearted though!) NoSquirrels, turning things around overnight.

Excuse me for asking this, op, if I have missed it - but does your friend just clear off when you arrive? Are you certain you are not having advantage taken? Who is paying upfront for skips, waste disposal charges?

It all just sounds to me a little ... convenient. I don’t doubt your good will at all - I think it is marvellous and very unselfish and kind of you - but I am concerned for your boundaries. I don’t get any sense that is a ‘shared mission’, just that you are doing the donkey work. and to go with your

The bathroom is my nemesis!!! As described in a PP, I started there mainly because I thought it would be the easiest room, but it's been quite tough, and has taken me a week so far and still counting. I thought, in all my naivety, a day, maybe 2 max. My fear is that it is the easiest, and it's all going to go seriously downhill from here!!!

I'm not usually one for emojis, but they seemed appropriate here, and I'm even going to give myself a . I have never given anyone one of those on mumsnet before, not even in AIBU!

Just a quick progress report from yesterday. I went through the pet crate and sorted that out properly, storing it so that he can get to the things he needs weekly or less often, but with the daily things easily accessible. I couldn't decide whether to hoover and wash or throw out the pet blanket beds, so rather than waste time I've bagged them up together to ponder for another time. I also finished cleaning the loo, clearing and first-cleaning the floor, and wiped down most of the walls to arm-reach-on-tiptoe height as they were very cobwebby and a bit damp (mildew?) in places. Finally yesterday I got on with the bath, and managed to clear about half of it. It was my target to finish it yesterday, but I just ran out of time and steam. A couple of treasures found, a few things to keep, but mostly rubbish, recycling and shredding. Another bin bag of compacted rubbish taken out, plus a carrier bag and a half of recycling.

So the main bit of good news from yesterday, is that the bathroom floor is all cleared and first-cleaned!!! I even had a little dance around all that space.

While I think of it, can anyone recommend a good shredder please, as there'll be lots to do, so durable and effective but not too expensive?

Well done! My tip on shredders is don’t bother- have a bonfire

Roughly how many hours do you think you've spent on this so far?

Perhaps I should save it all until Bonfire Night then, NoSquirrels - should have a towering inferno by then, I think.

I don't know about the hours over the last week Cleaners. I've been every day to varying degrees. I haven't been keeping a tally, just as and when I get chance. Perhaps I don't want to think about it, especially as I'm already starting to fear we'll be lucky to have the kitchen clear and clean by Christmas. Do you have any idea how long these things take, from your experience?

Progress report: The bath is now clear, if not clean! When I've given it a first clean, I'll feel I've really cracked the bathroom. It's not perfect by any means, but it's a room again, not a mountain of mess and clutter.

I found a saucepan to match one of the lids! Only 2 saucepans to find, thought I. Then I found another lid. Back to 3 saucepans to find.

The bath certainly wasn't a job for a person scared of spiders, which thankfully I'm not. I did have a moment of concern as some whoppers came scurrying out in all directions, that they weren't the biting sort. Almost like a scene from Harry Potter!

If I could winch a plumber, electrician and decorator in and out by the bathroom window, all would be well in one room at least.

Thanks so much for your concern, Twenty. I am completely certain that I'm not being taken advantage of, financially or otherwise. It's really not that kind of situation and he's really not that kind of person. I'm very partial to flowers, tea and cake though, thanks.

Sounds like you are doing a great job, in the state it sounds like it was in, a whole room is a major achievement!

You're a star OP, reminds me of my district nursing days.......houses where you can't walk on the floor let alone find somewhere to put your case.
My parents' house is crammed, albeit not á la hoarders, just stuffed full - DF has Evening Post magazines from the start of the '40's that moved into the house in the early 50's. He throws nothing away, in case it 'comes in useful', including handless saucepans and cracked jugs that leak.
💐🍰☕️ and whatever else it takes!

If it's really just life getting too much, then with help he may be able to keep things under control eventually, but it depends on how much stuff comes into the house. My ILs have a tendency to hoard and MIL had health problems, and the place was getting pretty bad (6 bed house, 3 bedrooms and a bathroom unusable) when they finally decided to downsize. It took a couple years to get them moved with as little crap as possible, but the new house has been kept OK thanks to vigilance by all family members, taking stuff away on each visit, but also MIL can't get to nearly so many car boots and charity shops as she used to so the rate of incoming is much less. FIL only hoards papers so now MIL can't carry anything out to the recycling, we remove the bottom few feet from every pile every few months. FIL claims he doesn't mind old newspapers going as he knows he can find any article online if necessary, but just won't chuck them himself...
So after 10 years they still have a nice usable house that one could call cluttered but not hoarding or problematic, but it's probably time for the 6-monthly fridge sort-out and taking away another lot of 'useful' items - MIL wanted to be useful hence collecting near-free stuff for her grandkids (taken by the sackful to a charity shop on our way home), but we suggested looking for very precise things like early reader books, and now the kids' school love her.

Signing up to the Mail Preference Service and TPS can help reduce stuff coming in.

You are doing such a kind thing, so I hope you do keep going, as long as it keeps working for you. Did you know there are companies that will drive out to the house and shred documents for you? Not sure how much it costs but this could be a better use of money than forking out to buy a shredder and doing it all by hand when you could be tackling the next room.

Just to say I am really enjoying your updates! It's a massive task, but what an amazing thing to do for someone. I have no advice, but I think what you are doing is fantastic. The very best of luck with it

You should be able to find a local shredding service. It will be cheaper than buying a decent shredder and a whole lot less soul destroying; you have to stop shredding every few minutes to stop the shredder overheating; it takes ages!

're pet blankets, just bin them. You can pick up new for a couple of £, or buy old blankets from a charity shop.

Thanks Archers. Any idea of cost? Do they come to do the shredding on site, or do they take it away? I think taking it away unshredded might be a problem for him, you see? He would trust me to do that, but probably not an unknown company, which I can understand.

My dilemma about the pet blankets was that, although about 6 are just those £1 ones, a couple of the others are really nice ones, obviously chosen with care and some cost. I think more will turn up around the house. I wondered about waiting until the end, soaking them in a bucket of Virkon or whatever, and then washing them all together. They'll need hoovering before washing or the fur will clog up the machine. He hasn't got a working machine at the moment (another target) and I think most laundries won't do them. It's not nice to think of material clogging up landfill (not clean enough to recycle as rags) but I think I'll have the same dilemma and worse with clothes, towels and bedding. It's tricky. Your's is probably the sensible option.

Thanks Betty, and for the ! Funnily enough, the G&T I've just had has helped to wash away the dust and soothe a few aches and pains.