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Original poster

If your children have never been to school and you have always said...

110 replies

mychildrenarebarmy · 07/05/2009 14:36

"of course if they wanted to go to school we would let them" What would be your criteria?

We HE our DD who is 6yrs and plan to do the same for her brother. She has never been to school and has a mix of friend in schools and HE world. She has started saying she would like to try school. I have always said the above but now she is saying it I am not happy with the idea for many reasons. I was expecting it to happen at some point but not quite so soon.

She has a grass is greener idea of school.
If she went to school none of the ones within walking distance are ones I would send her to so we would have to drive.
I dislike the education system in general.
I don't think she is old enough yet to make that decision for herself.
I think it would not necessarily be good for her. I think she would struggle with the structure of it (we are semi-structured but not in a school type way) which I think would have an adverse effect on her.

OP posts:
Kayteee · 07/05/2009 16:05

Gulp...there but for the grace of gawd etc;

I have always maintained the same but have to admit I'd be gutted if either of mine wanted to go back. Your situation's different though, as your dd doesn't know what schools can be like. Tricky one really!

All said, I would have to go with what my dc chose, as choice has been my "gift" to them, iyswim. I know she's young, but I still think I would let them go...sobbing all the way home though

Is it possible she could try a few days in one somehow? Unlikely I suppose.

Good luck, I'm glad it's not me!

Kayteee · 07/05/2009 16:07

You could always dereg her if all goes pear-shaped.

stroppyknickers · 07/05/2009 16:15

If you like the education system in general, you may find it difficult for her to feel that you actively support her choice? I wouldn't be happy if mine started eating meat for example and couldn't support their choice.

stroppyknickers · 07/05/2009 16:15

Durr. dislike obviously

Mung · 07/05/2009 16:17

That is such a tough one...can you stall her for a year? It may take a while to get into a 'reasonable' school anyway and if you are going through the process then she may be happy with that.

As Kaytee says...you could always deregister her if it all goes wrong.

nickschick · 07/05/2009 16:18

Well you could go and visit some schools and see what she thinks.

Its hard isnt it? my boys when they returned to school after periods of H.E were 'ready' to return as they knew what a school day involved yet ds3 who has never been to school says he doesnt want to 'try' school hes happy with H.E.

Mung · 07/05/2009 16:26

Visiting the schools seems like a good idea, she would get to see how it works. Is there any chance she could go in for a day (perhaps to one of the local schools and that may put her off ).

Original poster
mychildrenarebarmy · 07/05/2009 16:46

We have been talking about it some more today and she says she just wants to see what it is like. She was under the impression that if she went to school it would be to the one up the road where one of her friends goes (over my dead body!). I have said that we will have a day next week when we can do everything as if she was at school so meal times/play times/work etc as if she was at school. It's not the same but it might give her an idea of how different it would be. She said if she likes doing that then maybe she could go to school. I did say that we wouldn't be able to find a school place for her straightaway so it would be a while before she could go. She says that is okay because then she can wait for all our trips/days out/ visits to and from friends to be done first.
We are going to the zoo with some friends tommorrow and DH did suggest (very mean) that he take the day off to do a school at home day with her while we go out! Strangely enough she didn't like that idea. So Tuesday is going to be our school at home day.
I think we are going to give it a couple of months and if she is still talking about it then we will have a look at some schools and see about her starting later in the year.

kaytee - we've always said she would have to try it for at least a term but that was based on thinking she would be older when she asked so might revise that to half a term.
stroppyknickers - would be tough but I suppose it's good practice for when they are older.
Mung - I think that is probably what we are going to end up doing.
nickschick - She has sort of mentioned it before but the next day said the opposite (crossing my fingers the same will happen) but she seems more serious somehow this time.

OP posts:
Original poster
mychildrenarebarmy · 07/05/2009 16:47

cross post Mung (while helping with bindeez and tap tap art!) - I meant the stalling her not the go to school for a day.

OP posts:
nickschick · 07/05/2009 18:41

I wonder if maybe her girly pals are saying to her 'come to school' I know my ds has friends that say it to him,but at the minute we have quite the opposite problem of ds friends having spent some of the easter holidays here and having to do some 'work' that say although the work is much harder here -can they come to mine instead of school .

Northernlurker · 07/05/2009 18:59

mychildren - I think you and your dh need to reflect some more on your own intentions before you allow her to visit a school etc. You will both need to support her in this decision if it is to have any chance of success. I think if you approach allowing her to go to school with your current mindset then the enterprise is doomed to fail. Is it fair to let her think she has a choice when you actually don't intend affording her that choice? That is your perogative and I know you will be deciding what is in her best interests - but I don't think it's fair or honest to let her try school if you have little hope or intention of it working for her. It would be better imo just to say ' No we don't 'do' school in this house' and then she will know where she stands.

Mung · 07/05/2009 19:08

I'm glad your DD didn't decide to stay at home instead of go to the zoo .

I suppose you don't mind her going to school as such, but you want her to realise what it is really like, hence the 'tactics' you have mentioned. I know at the end of the day you will support her in her decision and if it is truly that she wants to go to school then , I imagine, you'll let her go.

I suppose the main issue is her age and whether she really knows what school is all about at the moment. That is why she needs to see what it is like.

Perhaps like nickschick says, she has friends asking her to go to school and she feels that she is missing out on something.

I hope a day at the zoo whilst her friends are at school will help sway her views a little. I hope you enjoy it .

piscesmoon · 07/05/2009 19:22

I think it should be about her and not you. If you send her she will either like it and stay or not like it and want to go back to HE.
I agree with the following poem:

On Children
Kahlil Gibran

Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.

You may give them your love but not your thoughts,
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow,
which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them,
but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.

You are the bows from which your children
as living arrows are sent forth.
The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite,
and He bends you with His might
that His arrows may go swift and far.
Let our bending in the archer's hand be for gladness;
For even as He loves the arrow that flies,
so He loves also the bow that is stable.

Mung · 07/05/2009 19:43

A lovely poem.

But surely if you know your children well, you will know what they will think of school. The OP may believe that this will make her DD unhappy at the present moment.

I think it is more a question of her age and her real motives for wanting to go to school.

piscesmoon · 07/05/2009 19:52

I couldn't wait at 5 to go to school-I would have hated to have had a mother who thought differently and didn't let me.
I don't see a problem with it. If she goes she finds out early on. Either she finds that it isn't what she thought and she is happy to go back to HE knowing the grass isn't geener, or she love it. I get the impression that OP is worried that she will like and then she won't get to do it her way.
Your DCs are not necessarily going to think the way that you want them to think.

sarah293 · 07/05/2009 20:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster
mychildrenarebarmy · 07/05/2009 20:10

nickschick - that is a possibility. She does have two very good friends in the street who do go to school and might have said things like that. BUT like you they also both regularly complain that she doesn't have to go to school but they do.

Northernlurker - Either way it isn't going to be something we do without a great deal of though and discussion. If we did go and look round some schools then it would only be in the event that we were happy for her to go to one of them. It wouldn't be done with anything less than complete support.

Mung - I don't think there was any chance of her deciding against the zoo. She wouldn't want to miss out on the zoo or a day with the friends we are going with. You are right if she truly wants to go then she will and we will back her up completely. She doesn't have any idea about what it is REALLY like having never been there. Some of her questions today have been things like 'Is it like playgroup? If I go can we find a school that doesn't have bullying? (a few of her HE friends have come out of school because of that) Which nursery will 'my brother' go to when I am at school? (met with suprise when told he wouldn't but would still do all the things we do now while she was in school).

piscesmoon - That is a lovely poem and it will be about her not about us. But to be able to make sure we are able to support her completely we have to sort out all the doubt's/concerns we have first hence my questions/thoughts on here. I'm not worried that she will like it and in doing so me not getting to do things my way. I am hugely concerned about the state of the education system and the effect that it would have on her learning. I have seen the inside aswell as looking at it from outside and to me it is not in a good state.

Thank you for all the input everyone.

OP posts:
piscesmoon · 07/05/2009 20:14

I don't think that DCs views should be discounted merely because they are young. I don't feel much different inside than I did at 5yrs. I have always been a person who goes with gut feelings and it has served me well over the years-on all big decisions I go with gut feeling. Maybe it isn't the right approach, but I have always told my DSs on things like choice of university to just go with gut feeling.
I don't see why school is such an issue if she wants to go-as Riven says-make it clear that she can leave at any time.
At 5 yrs I had no interest in my mother's philosophy on education and I still have no interest in it.

piscesmoon · 07/05/2009 20:19

You would have to choose your school. I supply teach and I choose my schools. There are lots in my area that are wonderful vibrant places and they don't allow bullying, the DCs are a delight and I love going in.Of course there are the opposite and I don't go back.

ahundredtimes · 07/05/2009 20:28

Thing is you're not playing fair here. School isn't just about learning at set times. School is about lots more, so you'd have to factor in lots of people, a busy classroom, lots of activities, fun with friends, a playground, chatting, lunches, teachers to chat to, the funny boy who makes you laugh, toys, pencils, that collage everyone made that's on the wall etc etc.

I'm not sure your 'trial tuesday' is going to represent anything, other than you saying pointedly, 'but no, we can't go outside now, you have to do that drawing. THIS is what school is like, see. see.'

just a thought

Kayteee · 07/05/2009 21:50

Piscesmoon,

Did you ever give your dc the choice about going to school? I ask because I'm genuinely interested.

piscesmoon · 07/05/2009 21:51

'If I go can we find a school that doesn't have bullying? '

I find that a strange thing for a 6yr old to say, who has never been to school. I didn't know what it was at that age.

Original poster
mychildrenarebarmy · 07/05/2009 21:57

piscesmoon - I completely agree that children's views shouldn't be discounted just because of age. I have no intention of doing that. If I did then there would be no discussion. I would have just said no straightaway. The fact that her views are equally valid are the reason I am even considering what to do in the first place. As a response to the bullying thing - not allowing bullying and bullying not happening are two different things. Any school that may be chosen will indeed be chosen carefully.

ahundredtimes - Yes all those fun things go on in school. I know that, and she knows that too from talking to her friends. What she doesn't have any appreciation of is the fact that it would mean having to get up at a certain time, not being able to go with the flow when it comes to what she is interested in, not being able to go outside when she feels like it etc etc. I am not going to stand over her and chain her to the table for the whole day in an attempt to only show the down sides. I don't feel that would benefit her at all and if anything it would be the worst thing I could possibly do.

OP posts:
Original poster
mychildrenarebarmy · 07/05/2009 21:59

piscesmoon - as I said a few of her HE friends have come out of school as a result of bullying. She knows what it is because of things they have said to her. I wouldn't choose for her to know what it is at 6 but because of the wide variety of people we mix with she know. As such yes it is something that she has said and I don't think it is that strange. It is no more strange than her wanting to know if she would have packed lunch.

OP posts:
piscesmoon · 07/05/2009 22:00

I did my utmost to make school seem somewhere they wanted to go and I went to considerable lengths to make sure they felt at home there. For example I took them to a library session once a week, from about 3 yrs, where they chose a book to take home and had a short session with the reception teacher reading a story. I made sure that they got to know other DCs who were going. We went to school fetes etc and I talked about it as a fun thing. I didn't give them the choice, but if they had been unhappy and said they didn't want to go I would have taken it seriously. Their cousins are HEed and so they know that it is a possibility ,but they have all been quite clear that they wouldn't like it.They go to school to see all their friends and they have had wonderful experiences through it-trips away , playing sport for the school etc. DS2 was bullied once but the school had called the bully's mother and had it sorted and phoned me before DS got home. That is the only occasion.
I would say that OP has done the same with HE and her DD. Her DD has expressed a wish to try school and I think it should be taken seriously-not just rejected because it doesn't fit in with what her mother wants and she is young.