Remote cottage holiday difficult with child and husband's health needs

[Omgheslikethat]

Looking for some ideas to navigate what is a difficult holiday experience.
We have rented an absolutely beautiful cottage for 2 weeks. However its very remote, not in a village, no footpaths on roadside and no public transport.
It would be perfect for a couple who just wanted a peaceful time.

DH suffers from some complicated health issues also MH issues and a short temper.
We have a young child who is a restless sleeper, though I don't hear him particularly.
This is causing my ailing husband to be short tempered and not want to get moving until late morning, early afternoon. By this time child is restless and silly, often naps in the car. We are at least 30mins drive from nearest attraction, and it seems pointless spending ££ on adventure theme parks entrance for max 2 hours which child might or might not enjoy. No child safe beaches nearby, just a couple of parks about 20mins away.

I'm not allowed to go out in the car without DH, and he always drives, so basically we are stuck waiting for DH to gee up, or like today he's gone to bed in a huff so we are just left hanging with nothing to do.

I suggested today we do x, which would be free except for the drive but DH lagged behind so much we didnt get out by 2pm and it closes at 4.30, so I suggested something else but that was not to his liking and he said I was being confusing by changing my mind.
He has executive function issues..

Shopping is a nightmare as nearest shops 20 mins drive away and no option for delivery. Try to buy 2 or 3 days worth of food but finding we either run out or fancy something different. We often self cater and its usually worked ok before, but I've had option of delivery or walking to shop.

Doesn't seem like the relaxing holiday I hoped for. I let DH book it because he briefly showed it to me, said it was near a town I vaguely know and liked.

On top, I've been feeling poorly with a virus.
Not really looking for solutions although useful ideas to reframe positively might help.

He’s not trying to get a diagnosis though is he.

It’s concerning OP that you say none of his health conditions have been diagnosed - so presumably then he’s getting no treatment or medication? Has he told you he has these health conditions or are you diagnosing based off the internet?

You're always going to get lots of ‘leave him’ comments on MN but obviously for many women, that’s far from easy and many choose to stay, maybe out of a misplaced sense of loyalty, out of love or out of their own personal reasons. Please just know that there is a better way to live.

So all his "complex needs" are self-diagnosed? 🤦‍♀️ This means he doesn't even get any help with them and there's no hope of anything ever improving? You're just being taken for a mug and you are choosing this life sentence for yourself and enabling his terrible behaviour (which will only get worse with time).

I’m with @XelaM, sorry OP this sounds very worrying and yes, it will get worse

you need to stop enabling this behavior

God this is so sad to read. You have forgone a happy life for you and your dc to care for a person who has no diagnosed illness but has convinced yourself and himself that he is too ill to function in normal life. You are in a precarious situation- both physically and financially, i can't image he is excelling in any contracts he is lucky enough to get. This sounds like coercive control.

Please, speak to womans aid or the like soon.

And me. Stop enabling it for the sake of your child if not for yourself.

If you aren't in therapy, plz start urgently. Living with this man, his health and MH and behaviour problems, can take an enormous toll on your physical and mental health, and longevity. Who knows what your child is suffering in this tough situation.
Even if there's 'love' (he's definitely not showing love behaviour) and good in a marriage, no human being can go thru what you're going through endlessly, and neither should one, without a serious cost.
I wonder if you have perspective on this or if it's been a sinking situation that you unfortunately came to see as semi normal.
This holiday setup is isolating apart from being impractical from all perspectives. Never again, plz.
Wishing you all the best.

I think OP is explaining, describing, why the situation is so unbearable, even tho she can't see a way out of this holiday (or live?) situation at this time. The list is valid.
To all who respond:
How about compassion and, if you have suggestions, express them kindly? Why would you and everyone else on this group respond in any other way but with kindness, when this lady and her son are dealing with such an unbalanced, upsetting man?

OP, you say you hope others never have to endure what your husband is suffering. So true. And "for better or worse" is a vow people make with the best intentions.
Living it out depends on the partner's ability to function within reasonable limits. Marriage isn't a life sentence, you don't stay for better or do much worse, no matter what. You could never have known his condition could get to this. I'm so sorry.

Granted he has an undiagnosed but severe neurological disease.

You are obligated to, and he is obligated, to press hard for a diagnosis and treatment options.

He is clearly hiding his head in the sand and you are too but as a family he is dragging you over a cliff. All your attempts to normalize him and scaffold him and protect him are extremely misguided. Im not saying abandon him. But If he had a broken leg you would get it treated. If he had a degenerative condition like parkinsons or alzheimers you would be fighting to get prepared for the eventual worsening of symptoms.

We have a young child who is a restless sleeper, though I don't hear him particularly.
This is causing my ailing husband to be short tempered and not want to get moving until late morning, early afternoon.

I am suprised you don't hear him if he is so restless, is he in the same room as you and your husband ? If you don't hear him is it possible that he isn't as restless as your husband is making out ? @Omgheslikethat

I am quite deaf and more congested than usual. Child sleeps in own room but yes its quite possible DH is making up stories.
Without evidence though I'm not planning to confront.

Useful advice???

Get rid of that useless layabout you’re married to and find a happy life..

The physical issue, we've been through GP and hospital tests a zillion times, they don't know what's wrong and their answer is to give painkillers, until the Gp says you've been on these too long and weans him off, so he's in pain an awful lot of the time. 💯 its not faked. His BP is high due to the pain but they treat the high BP not the pain.

MH/ND they just ignore and as I say he sounds competent in short spells and no-one takes me seriously when i say this is wrong. As DH doesnt believe he has any Neuro issues, he's not pursuing it and I can't. The only hard evidence was when I got a call to collect him as his employer thought he'd had a stroke and separately he lost power in a limb. Both symptoms he's glossed over and self manages. Yes I've given up trying to get a DX for him.

Quick sand, dingy beaches and very fast tides, make for non child friendly beaches.
North West England has many like this, but we aren't there.

Has anyone mentioned functional neurological disorder (FND)? Some of his symptoms seem to match that.

What can’t be cured must be endured. So what is your question here? All of us, seemingly, would solve different problems. But you choose not to. No one can find the magical solution for you.

Should he even be driving?

With a practical hat on..

If DS is a restless sleeper, can you sleep in with him and then pick up some ear plugs for DH.

Your going to have to create some fun activities where you are - get out in the fields, scavenger hunt, daisy chains, make potions from flowers and other things you find, crafts.

get a taxi to the nearest beach - most beaches are ok for kids you may just need to increase supervision.

when going out, let DS nap then keep them up later whilst you are away, this will give you more of a day together. It’s so light late that you’ll be fine. Maybe avoid things like theme parks as this will be too much for DH. Beaches, crabbing at local harbour etc may be better.

plan your shopping and get it next time you are out.

honest conversation with DH about how their finding the holiday, staying in bed until 2pm sounds avoidant and makes me wonder if he’s finding it more anxiety provoking than expected.

No driving for him at all. The symptoms are very concerning w/r/t safety as a driver.

This is going to sound harsh but I think its important to say it. OP you are slipping into a very high risk situation with your dh. He is avoiding diagnosis and creating one problematic interim solution after another. He us dealing with his horrible situation by randomly treating symptoms rather than reorganizing and facing reality. The car key issue is a good example. He should have given the keys up to you but refuses.

In accepting the key situation and excusing it here you are, out of love, doing what therapists call “colluding” with the patient in their delusional thinking. Of course a man who has stroke like episodes, chronic pain, loss of limb function should not be driving! That’s obvious!

To make up to him for all that he seems to be losing you have let him dominate where he can: the holiday let, the car kkeys, the mood. But all this colluding to protect him is very dangerous. You are stuck with him in his collapse rather than taking control. Its hard but you need to face up to it. Someone’s feelings are going to be hurt but your child’s safety depends on it.

You can drive and if he lost his license tomorrow you absolutely would have to do si stop pandering to his ego and take the keys off him and resume driving. Better to face reality than have him crash the car.

Holy moly what did I just read?! This cannot be real. How old is the child OP?

So he hasn't actually been diagnosed with... anything?

And he's apparently capable of being lucid and normal around medical professionals but not around you and his own children? And his problems tend to get worse... when things don't go his way?

Christ, this is all deeply suspect. Deeply.

I strongly suspect he has a mental health problem / severe personality disorder and most of his other health issues are psychosomatic. He's weaponising the whole thing to control you and your children and it's horrific.

Listen OP I get your marriage vows are important but you are enabling really unhealthy relationship dynamics for your DC. At what point are you going to put DC first? Sounds like a bloody awful situation and a shitty holiday. Take the damn car keys and go out for a drive, get used to the car then take DC out.

OP - you’re worth more than this. Read that again.

Waiting for him to get over himself so he can manage to drive his wife and child out for the day on holiday???

Fuck that op, get yourself out of this relationship asap