Remote cottage holiday difficult with child and husband's health needs

[Omgheslikethat]

Looking for some ideas to navigate what is a difficult holiday experience.
We have rented an absolutely beautiful cottage for 2 weeks. However its very remote, not in a village, no footpaths on roadside and no public transport.
It would be perfect for a couple who just wanted a peaceful time.

DH suffers from some complicated health issues also MH issues and a short temper.
We have a young child who is a restless sleeper, though I don't hear him particularly.
This is causing my ailing husband to be short tempered and not want to get moving until late morning, early afternoon. By this time child is restless and silly, often naps in the car. We are at least 30mins drive from nearest attraction, and it seems pointless spending ££ on adventure theme parks entrance for max 2 hours which child might or might not enjoy. No child safe beaches nearby, just a couple of parks about 20mins away.

I'm not allowed to go out in the car without DH, and he always drives, so basically we are stuck waiting for DH to gee up, or like today he's gone to bed in a huff so we are just left hanging with nothing to do.

I suggested today we do x, which would be free except for the drive but DH lagged behind so much we didnt get out by 2pm and it closes at 4.30, so I suggested something else but that was not to his liking and he said I was being confusing by changing my mind.
He has executive function issues..

Shopping is a nightmare as nearest shops 20 mins drive away and no option for delivery. Try to buy 2 or 3 days worth of food but finding we either run out or fancy something different. We often self cater and its usually worked ok before, but I've had option of delivery or walking to shop.

Doesn't seem like the relaxing holiday I hoped for. I let DH book it because he briefly showed it to me, said it was near a town I vaguely know and liked.

On top, I've been feeling poorly with a virus.
Not really looking for solutions although useful ideas to reframe positively might help.

Did he suffer a traumatic brain injury? Is that why you are willing to baby him because the change is sudden and not his fault?

This explains why you feel obligated to throw good years after bad and waste your time trying to fix what can’t be fixed.

I know nothing will change your mind but in my opinion you are immolating yourself and your child on the altar of marriage to a person who is long gone. You are sacrificing to the ghost of your marriage. Not just yourself but your child.

It sounds like he has no empathy or pity left except for himself. And he wields this like a weapon to keep you as his handmaiden.

This holiday is fucked already snd for the moment you aren’t willing to make any changes in your relationship to him. So take that off the table. Just take some time to reflect on this relationship. Its no longer really romantic, or s partnership, its a service grind catering to the needs of a big incompetent child snd a small one. If that is ok eith you that’s fine. I might mske the same sacrifice for my dearly loved husband when the time comes snd he has parkinsonisn dementia. But, snd this is s big but—why accrpt disrespect snd contempt and control at the same time? Ask yourself why you accept both nanny/cook/maid treatment but won’t even ask for the respect those roles should give you. No emotion or empathy needed from him. Just objective deference to you in the role you are accepting and which he should be grateful for.

If he won't let you drive 'his' car, you need to take your car on family holidays, trade it for a larger one if it is not big enough.

Not letting you drive the car is pure misogyny, you must find a way to regain your confidence. I have seen this so much, men belittling, insulting and not allowing women to drive. It is so important to maintain your independence. It is not Saudi Arabia.

I understand you say he is unwell but you cannot live like this, and your child definitely can't.

No reason at all why you can't drive, he simply does not get to control what you do. No matter what has happened to him healthwise, it isn't for him to allow you anything. Just doing your own thing with DC would resolve the problems (just the current holiday problems of course, not all the other ways you may be living).

If you are too scared of the consequences to just get the keys and go then you cannot stay in this marriage at all and need to make plans to leave him soon as.

Go out in the car with your ds. Don’t wait for your h

get involved in holiday planning next time. This is a terrible choice for your poor ds

do you still want to be married to your h? If so, why?

The one and only family holiday I had with exh and baby DS was like this. He didn't have health issues unlike your husband but the control and behaviour chimes.

He was staying up into the early hours and then DS was awake from about 5 back then. I was waiting at least 6 hours before exh was ready to do anything and then it was juggling nap times. He'd bought a stupid car and I have a feeling I wasn't insured on it or something daft. I know I didn't drive it ... It was a death trap but that's another story.

I think your husband is acting out. You need family therapy or just a divorce.

Of course you'll lose your confidence if you're not allowed to drive. Ridiculous.

I am not sure what you can do right now. Two weeks sounds way too long.

You are choosing to live in it, thats your prerogative. But you are forcing your child to live in it too, and that is appalling.

It doesnt matter why someone is abusive, just that they are and your husband is abusive. You are forcing your child to live with an abusive man, think about that.

Unfortunately, the lack of empathy, planning for others needs seems to be part of his illness/es.

That must be very difficult to deal with, knowing that regardless of the fact that you love him, he isn't able to see you as anything other than a support mechanism that must never question his decisions.

I don't think you are ready to leave, so if you have internet , I would be looking at holiday options for next year, where you and DS can walk to activities without him, where he can stay in bed for the morning and then join you in the afternoon. Or is booking holidays another thing he controls ?

I’d just tell him: “This holiday is shit and I want to go home”.

If you’re not going to leave him you need to stand up for yourself more.

And start driving again, FFS!

Dear God just get in the car and drive. You’re as much the architect of this holiday fiasco as your DH is. This seems to be a case of total lack of research combined with a horrible marriage.

Take some responsibility for your child’s enjoyment of the holiday and just go out in the car in the mornings. Or would your DH then sulk?

If it’s your car as well and you are insured tomorrow you get up first thing drive and take your dc out. Leave a note for your husband saying you are letting him have a lay in and a day off you will be back later and will get something nice for tea. You will be ok driving its just he’s made your confidence dip.

Or would your DH then sulk

The best way to deal with a sulker is to ignore them, preferably in a different location.

Just get the bloody car keys and get your child out in the morning. If he won't 'let' you, I'd go straight home and start divorce proceedings.

Putting aside the many other issues here, dealing with your current situation… I would find the nearest craft shop and get a load of stuff to make with your DC. I would also make a plan for what you can do in walking distance and first thing get up and tire DC out on a walk. Create your own nature spotting book and tick the thing off you see. Build a den. Make a bug hotel. Search google for some activities and make a little schedule for the mornings. It doesn’t sound like your holiday situation is going to change but you can make the best of the cottage in the woods with a bit of imagination. Tiring them out first thing for a few hours will help ease the disappointment if you don’t make the attractions in the afternoon. And having a plan will hall you to not be sitting there wondering what to do.
tbh it sounds a bit like lockdown, I had a 7 and 4 year old in lockdown and crafts and nature walks were literally all you could do, we did make some fun memories with some imagination.
google nearest places to buy crafty stuff, google some simple crafts you can do and google activities for woodland and camping trips with young children.
also things like baking cakes or cookies or bread are good time fillers.

ITs all very well saying "JUST TAKE THE KEYS AND GO OUT!!" but we dont know what that will lead to.

Think about it. OP and her child are in a very isolated location, nobody nearby or within earshot from what she says, with a man who insists on being in control. Can you imagine his reaction?

Its probably the most dangerous thing she could do right now.

ETA While I agree that things need to change for the OP and mostly for her child, this "holiday" is not the time to do it.

Is it part of his official diagnosis? Were you at the appointments? Or is it just something your H has told you?

How is it being treated? Any chance of improving?

Regardless, it is bi excuse for treating you and your DS as prisoners!!

Yet again excuse after excuse for staying with a selfish arse of a man. I’m getting a bit sick of these!

Oh and controlling too!!!

This is an abusive relationship. He is abusing and controlling you.

You are not allowed or you don’t want to drive? There’s a big difference…..

We have issues with our children (AuDHD and ASD) so we always get a cottage with a private pool, it helps to keep everyone entertained if they’re not up to going out. I have disabilities too so use the pool regularly … it really works well for our holidays plus we can take the dog too!

He keeps the car keys on him and won't let you have them. He doesn't allow you to go out in the car without him, and you haven't driven for so long you're losing your confidence. He won't get ready in time, and you and your dc are trapped in this remote cottage until early afternoon. There's nowhere to walk, and nothing to do near where you are staying, and you can't leave.

So basically, he's keeping you imprisoned.

All I can think of is your poor DC. What a sad life for them, and you. You're both being imprisoned on holiday by a controlling monster. I was married to someone like that. His illness was the reason/excuse/whatever for everything. I got out. What are you going to do about it OP?

He’s abusive.
if his executive functions are so poor and his temper volatile should he be driving?
he is not a good father, look at how he is ruining his child’s holiday.
He’s controlling, aggressive, and has you walking on egg shells. He’s eroded your confidence, not just with driving, but his constant drip, drip, drip of manipulative and vial behaviour.
once you are home make plans to leave. It will seem very, very daunting because he’s reduced your independence, but if you have family, take your child go and stay with them, and start divorce proceedings.
you can not save him, and his controlling and aggression behaviours will only get worse. You need to protect your child, and you know what? You are worth so much more than this, you are allowed to be happy, you are allowed to live free from fear, you are not responsible for his well-being.
he made have had a head injury or have a tumour / neurological disease (which whilst horrible for him, does not mean you have to put up with being a verbal or potentially physical punch bag, or coercive behaviours), but you don’t have to stay with him, he’s clearly not the man you married, you can and should walk away without any guilt. You’ll find lots of helpful posts on the relationship board. Stay safe OP, and don’t let this be your life .

Is his illness a serious brain injury?

Because otherwise, those things are really not part of his illness. And even if they are, you still don’t have to pander to it.

A husband who tells you that you are “not allowed” to use the family car to take your own child out is abusive. It doesn’t matter whether he’s ill. The impact of his control isn’t lessened because he’s got a mental health condition or a brain injury or anything else.

And no, he isn’t a good dad. A dad who is only engaged with his child on his own incredibly strict terms is not a good dad at all.

This.
Stop calling him a good father "when engaged"
People who are good fathers, are kind, loving, patient, generous, and put their children first. Always.. not just when they are "engaged"
And it sounds like he is very rarely engaged.

You are suffering and your child is suffering under his reign.. and it is a reign because he's completely controlling you.

I agree with @PyongyangKipperbang who said you are in a remote location and should be careful.

Do you have any family or friends who might come and stay? So you can take your child out? or collect you in the morning before he gets up?

" the lack of empathy, planning for others needs seems to be part of his illness/es. Its hard to understand if you don't live it."

Why should your child grow up with a parent who lacks empathy, and won't plan for his needs?
You don't have to live with that.