Remote cottage holiday difficult with child and husband's health needs

[Omgheslikethat]

Looking for some ideas to navigate what is a difficult holiday experience.
We have rented an absolutely beautiful cottage for 2 weeks. However its very remote, not in a village, no footpaths on roadside and no public transport.
It would be perfect for a couple who just wanted a peaceful time.

DH suffers from some complicated health issues also MH issues and a short temper.
We have a young child who is a restless sleeper, though I don't hear him particularly.
This is causing my ailing husband to be short tempered and not want to get moving until late morning, early afternoon. By this time child is restless and silly, often naps in the car. We are at least 30mins drive from nearest attraction, and it seems pointless spending ££ on adventure theme parks entrance for max 2 hours which child might or might not enjoy. No child safe beaches nearby, just a couple of parks about 20mins away.

I'm not allowed to go out in the car without DH, and he always drives, so basically we are stuck waiting for DH to gee up, or like today he's gone to bed in a huff so we are just left hanging with nothing to do.

I suggested today we do x, which would be free except for the drive but DH lagged behind so much we didnt get out by 2pm and it closes at 4.30, so I suggested something else but that was not to his liking and he said I was being confusing by changing my mind.
He has executive function issues..

Shopping is a nightmare as nearest shops 20 mins drive away and no option for delivery. Try to buy 2 or 3 days worth of food but finding we either run out or fancy something different. We often self cater and its usually worked ok before, but I've had option of delivery or walking to shop.

Doesn't seem like the relaxing holiday I hoped for. I let DH book it because he briefly showed it to me, said it was near a town I vaguely know and liked.

On top, I've been feeling poorly with a virus.
Not really looking for solutions although useful ideas to reframe positively might help.

What has he actually been diagnosed with? What is he doing about it?

Is he a functioning alcoholic? Or perhaps a non-function.

Or just a complete dickhead?

Either way advice from Attila is what you need to be listening to.

You have so much more to offer and give and be in this life than his puppet

Whay's his health condition, being a cunt?

Call a cab, go to the nearest station and go home. You cannot spend two weeks like this.

OP, it sounds as though your whole lives revolve around his illness, his needs and his wants.

Did you know that lots of families co-exist with complex health and disability needs and still manage to have fun and a nice peaceful life without tiptoeing around the moods and huffiness of the unwell person? Our family is one of them. The difference though is that our family member who has complex health needs is not a controlling, selfish person. When we go on UK cottage breaks, we take everyone’s needs into account (accessibility e.g ground floor bathroom etc and also locality, ease of being able to have nice days out or order takeaways). We find nice things to do that everyone can enjoy.

This frankly just sounds awful. What are you getting out of this? Are any of your emotional needs being met or are you just existing around whether your DH is in a good mood or not? It reads as though you’re being held hostage physically (by him keeping you away from the car keys) but also hostage emotionally. This is a truly soul destroying way to live.

You know you don't have to live like this either.

For reference, I am insured to drive but he keeps the keys on him. I haven't driven this car for over a year, its large and the roads are narrow, tbh I've lost my confidence a bit.

This is madness. Why is he not allowing you to drive? Big cars are safer than small ones and you will regain confidence once you start driving again. Even my 70-year-old mother who hadn't driven for years managed to drive my dad's big SUV when he had an accident and she needed to drive.

@Omgheslikethat - I get, you are in this situation now with your holiday.

Firstly is there a way to cut it short? Go home and think about this relationship. Hopefully you have some family or friends that you can talk to about the holiday and your current situation in general. Or maybe a healt care professional?

In your opening post you say DH suffers from some complicated health issues also MH issues and a short temper . I get it, he's ill. But he is well enough to drive and look after himself. Ok, it takes him longer, to get going, that's fine. He's ok, he's coping. Nothing bad will happen.
I have seen it many times before that sometimes people use illness & MH to hold their loved ones to ransom. They exercise control through black mail, they install fear and make others responsible for their actions. It creates a vicious circle of control and dependency that isn't good for anyone. This circle will stop your DH getting better and your own health & independence getting worse.

Do you really want your child growing up in with this burden of having to watch out for their fathers moods and temper all the time?
Please start looking after yourself and your child. Leave him, even if it’s temporary to give him time to sort some of his MH issues out.

Or at the very least a decent person would understand that different people have different needs and they can be accomadated.

If he genuinely needs to sleep or rest until early afternoon every day, a decent person would say "why don't you take the car and have fun in the morning and I'll join you after lunch" , not hold you all hostage.

You need to separate the life you are living now from the person he was/might have been before. Any chance you are romanticising how he was and retain hope of regaining that in future? If the consequences of his illness are permanent, perhaps likely to deteriorate, the effect of his behaviour, anger, control on you and your dc will also worsen. Do you get any support as his carer? You think you are staying for the benefit of your dc but they will feel the effect of this too, no matter how much you think you are sheltering them . Why should they have to put up with a miserable two week holiday? If he has deliberately isolated you he also needed to plan for activities locally and take along things to entertain dc. Where is his support for you when you are unwell? Tell him you cannot cope alone or care for him when unwell and need to go home. Call a cab if needs be and leave him to it.

It sounds like he is angry about his health issues reducing his abilty to do things and is trying to control the family as a result. You face a miserable future if he doesn't change his mindset.

On a practical note, why on earth did he book such a remote cottage with no child friendly activities if a restless child at home annoys him so much?

He's a cunt...
The medical issues are a smokescreen

I can and do drive my own, much smaller car at home, though less since covid, but I'm confident enough on our local roads and motorways. I'd happily give it a go here but not with my child in the back.

He has, I believe, a neurological disease, not a TBI but the symptoms are similar to some I've seen described..
It is not diagnosed either bc he is great at showtiming/masking and seems plausible and lucid, or its just the NHS being crap. I have tried to raise it with his GP but was fobbed off. His medical condition is also real and painful but undiagnosed, I've considered its maybe Wilsons or similar but can't get him tested.

Things like, we discussed the football semi-final, what time it started etc but a few minutes before it started, he said, remind me who's playing again? England v Arg!

He has no end of trouble with technology, having created some issues with passwords and email accounts which would be outing if I described more but its consistent and long term and has affected his work. He's a self employed contractor and struggles with sending his CV etc, something previously he did for years. Its meant his work is few and far between and actually getting to work exhausts him and he can barely manage a whole week. When at work, mostly these days he seems to do an ok job, but a couple of years ago he heard someone gave him a terrible reference, which I was not surprised about, but I think it bucked him up a bit to be more reasonable at work.

He gets angry in the car, at others, which concerns me as an example to our child but drives safely, though I do navigate but its no worse than navigating for anyone, I've experienced alot of drivers.

He has obsessions about random stuff, and confabulation eg neighbour's plans from.one sentence he thinks he's overheard will generate a whole storyline which is most likely untrue. The worst is he spiels it of to people and they believe ir.

Whatever causes these MH issues waxes and wanes, yes like alcoholics but guarantee he's not a drinker.

I'm fully capable of entertaining our child here, there's a garden and toys and stuff and we do watch a bit of TV, and bake. Our weekends are similar at home, except we have walking options nearby and more toys. But its not the holiday I was hoping for, and yes I should have overseen it before booking but it looked, and is lovely, just the wrong location for us. Our child is a social being and enjoys adventures and playing with other kids.

To thise posters who see my staying with DH as a problem, I hope you never find yourself struggling with life and needing more assistance than the norm. Yes he's controlling, but in part thats to get the world to wait for him. The world he's trapped in does not seem fun for him.

He is neither the partner nor parent I expected him to be, but for better or worse meant something to me.
We'll survive the holiday and thanks for listening.

I hope things get better for you, OP. I just want to point out that someone else’s health and wellbeing doesn’t have to come before your own, married or not. Think about the environment your young child is growing up in and what they will think of their childhood when they are grown up. Whether these behaviours are his fault or not, the end result is the same: you’re living in a controlling relationship and your life and your child’s life will suffer.

I hope things improve for you, but don’t fall into the trap of sacrificing you and your child’s happiness for your husband’s health problems.

There is a really good book called Educated it is a memoir by Tara Westover which explains her life living with a man who is perhaps a more extreme version of your DH and it speaks to the ways her mother papered over the cracks as you are doing. MH is not a synonym for abuse but you are are being controlled and abused, you just cannot allow yourself to see it.

Also watch A Different Brain on Netflix, particularly the couple Amanda and Rob. It’s hard to watch, mainly because of seeing the impact on the children from their mother’s drastically altered behaviour, lack of empathy, short temper. I believe they do end up separating, as living as a family was just untenable.

He doesn’t ‘suffer’ from a short temper. He’s a total dick and a selfish one at that.

Take back control OP. He literally cannot stop you from getting up early and taking your child on a fun day out. Are you
scared of him?

Your poor child. What a shit holiday for them.

When our children were little we always went to places where they could enjoy themselves on the spot - e.g. right near a beach. Later when they no longer came with us we did the isolated peaceful option.

I think that for you this is a lesson learned for next time; but in the meantime there is no real reason why you and child should not set off wherever you would like to go and leave your OH to surface in his own good time.

Your dh is not a good dad at all - he’s a selfish controlling manipulative dick. Wake up and smell the shit he is. He’s a shit husband too. I bet half of these health issues are him self diagnosing some crap. Just get the keys and go somewhere … he’s projecting his issues onto you. What a depressing way to live.

"To thise posters who see my staying with DH as a problem, I hope you never find yourself struggling with life and needing more assistance than the norm. Yes he's controlling, but in part thats to get the world to wait for him".

Who died and made this bloke King?. We all struggle with life on occasion but I am not living with an abusive man. Why has he got to get the world to wait for him?.

What is your child learning about relationships here from you two?. A shedload of damaging lessons that is what.

He has not been diagnosed with anything. You've been self diagnosing him via the net trying to find reasons for his behaviour. He does not want your help and or support and kindly put you are too close to the situation to be of any use to him. You just end up enabling him like you are now. He likes having you around so he can abuse you and in turn your child so he is not going to leave you. He picked this dismal cottage for you all to stay in deliberately and his controlling behaviour is abusive in nature.

"He is neither the partner nor parent I expected him to be, but for better or worse meant something to me".

What does he mean to you now?. You are not beholden to your wedding vows if he treats you and your child poorly; he has taken a sledgehammer to those.

Again you have a choice re this man and your child does not.

MIL was married to someone who ended up having severe mental health issues. Ended up making her ill. DH and siblings were adults and not living at home. They wanted her to leave him. She felt she had to stay. GP told her she had to put her own health and well being first. They ended up separating and her life improved immeasurably.

I know it is slightly different for you as he is father of DC but you need to put DC’s and your welfare first.

He is not diagnosed? So has he had treatment and help for his deteriorating abilities and mh? Is he even safe to drive?

Do not stay out of misguided loyalty to your vows, it could be damaging for your dc longer term. What sort of relationship are you modelling if he is short tempered and controlling but you tolerate it .

The adults I know who had a parent with severe MH issues all wished their parents had split up as it had such a detrimental effect on their lives.

But it sounds possible that it may be a physical health condition causing at least some of the symptoms. (Know someone who had severe depression for years which turned out to be an actual neurological condition causing the symptoms)

It sounds like you are not yet at the stage of feeling that you can/should make a stand but when that happens you should insist on him getting a proper medical assessment or you will leave.

Well whatever is the cause, unless he wants to change this is your life. And that's your choice, but is this really what you want for your child? As others have said, it's your responsibility to advocate for your child while they're too young to do so themselves. You can say he's a good dad but that's not true. He's abusive and manipulative, and the reason why doesn't insulate your child from the consequences.