Remote cottage holiday difficult with child and husband's health needs

[Omgheslikethat]

Looking for some ideas to navigate what is a difficult holiday experience.
We have rented an absolutely beautiful cottage for 2 weeks. However its very remote, not in a village, no footpaths on roadside and no public transport.
It would be perfect for a couple who just wanted a peaceful time.

DH suffers from some complicated health issues also MH issues and a short temper.
We have a young child who is a restless sleeper, though I don't hear him particularly.
This is causing my ailing husband to be short tempered and not want to get moving until late morning, early afternoon. By this time child is restless and silly, often naps in the car. We are at least 30mins drive from nearest attraction, and it seems pointless spending ££ on adventure theme parks entrance for max 2 hours which child might or might not enjoy. No child safe beaches nearby, just a couple of parks about 20mins away.

I'm not allowed to go out in the car without DH, and he always drives, so basically we are stuck waiting for DH to gee up, or like today he's gone to bed in a huff so we are just left hanging with nothing to do.

I suggested today we do x, which would be free except for the drive but DH lagged behind so much we didnt get out by 2pm and it closes at 4.30, so I suggested something else but that was not to his liking and he said I was being confusing by changing my mind.
He has executive function issues..

Shopping is a nightmare as nearest shops 20 mins drive away and no option for delivery. Try to buy 2 or 3 days worth of food but finding we either run out or fancy something different. We often self cater and its usually worked ok before, but I've had option of delivery or walking to shop.

Doesn't seem like the relaxing holiday I hoped for. I let DH book it because he briefly showed it to me, said it was near a town I vaguely know and liked.

On top, I've been feeling poorly with a virus.
Not really looking for solutions although useful ideas to reframe positively might help.

Probably correct, but conflicting something he thinks is a good idea is fraught with issues.

I stay with him because he is a good dad when engaged and bc I love the person he was before he got ill, and he wouldn't manage on his own for any length of time. He barely manages now with me running after him.

For reference, I am insured to drive but he keeps the keys on him. I haven't driven this car for over a year, its large and the roads are narrow, tbh I've lost my confidence a bit.

So here I am staring at the lovely field for another hour.

Executive function refers to skills that you use to manage everyday tasks like making plans, solving problems and adapting to new situations

Executive Functioning | NELFT NHS Foundation Trust https://share.google/Mt48GkPD0TDuLgbxh

Thank you.
I have never heard of this before.

Who knew?

Hope things get better for OP.
X

I am really quite used to it, but the isolation of this place is very harsh on top of feeling unwell and the weather being very British summer and not close to the heatwave everywhere is experiencing.
Lack of good, inexpensive places to go when he is up for action just adds to the whole sad picture.

Other places, we've either had beach or club access, or at least somewhere to walk to, no matter how small.

Maybe the least of your problems, but you've said the local shops don't deliver. I was amazed last year that Tesco trundled up a long lane in the middle of nowhere to deliver food to our holiday cottage in Scotland. Maybe them or Amazon could at least get you the food (and entertainment, games, painting by numbers etc) that would help?

You choose to stay with him . Your child has no choice . It is no way to raise a normal healthy child . Fact he hangs on to the car keys is totally unacceptable, can't you see this ?? If you had regular drives , you would soon gain your confidence back .This post is very disturbing, it seems like you and the child are being held against your will by an unpredictable angry man . Please look at the Freedom Program and see that this applies to your situation.

Please please start practicing to drive on your own when this holiday is over.
Mental health issues or not it is beyond controlling to keep the keys on him. It makes your like a prisoner.
It 100% would not be unreasonable for you to take your child our while your husband is asleep/not ready and do something nice together.
Also there must be a drive into this place. Walk down it; or explore it. No garden?
Call a cab? DH can join you later.

I suspect it is not coincidental that your DH booked such an isolated place. It’s a form of control- unwitting or not

What would happen if you said 'please can I have the keys to the car?'

For reference, I am insured to drive but he keeps the keys on him

WTF? Are you actually happy with this abuse behaviour @Omgheslikethat ?

He's controlling and abusive

BUT

There comes a point where you are choosing to continue like this. Choosing to continue not driving (yet the man with executive function issues can drive the big man car??). Choosing to agree to the cottage. Choosing to let him dictate where you can and can't go.

You have to put your child first and stop this, because their life is getting spoiled too.

(I've left an abusive marriage with a child. It's hard but you have to make the choice).

Op just run with it read a book in the morni g pmay biard games
When you back speak to a counsellor one to on e and ask about how you learn to be setting boundaries so this control no longer happens

He isnt a great dad the way he behaves towards you

Just take the keys. Practice on your own to gain confidence and take your child out once you have. My blood boils when women say they are "not allowed" to do something. Can you imagine a man saying that?

This with bells on , look at the life you are subjecting your child to . Tell your husband you either want the car keys so that you can go out or he needs to get up early enough to go with you . If he won’t do either of those then pack up , book a taxi / call family and go home with your child . Being ill doesn’t give you a free pass to abuse your family .

I never understand people like you OP. You’re holding all the cards yet acting like you got the 2 of clubs. He can’t cope without you- you said as much- so tell him to stop giving you you shit, give you the damn keys or he can get the hell on. It’s not like he’s gonna find anyone else with his issue is it?

I agree with this.

He is decompensating in highly abusive ways. You and your child are suffering. He is incapable of being a “good dad” at this point snd the fact that you insist he is a good dad just shows that you are very confused about what makes a good person. His overwhelming need for control and his refusal to think about your beeds or your child’s needs is pure selfishness. It isn’t love snd it isn’t good.

Fuck that for a game of soldiers. Is a taxi to the nearest bus stop or town an option?

Also: lots of people have executive function issues—one way to manage them, which he could try, is not being such a stroppy controlling bastard snd letting you plsn, drive, and organize. Its not rocket science.

Complicated health issues or not, your dh sounds like a controlling prize twat. Just get the insurance/car situation sorted, and get yourself and DC out of the cottage in the morning. Leave him a note to tell him where you’ve gone, and if he wants to join you later leave him the Uber app.

Unfortunately, the lack of empathy, planning for others needs seems to be part of his illness/es. Its hard to understand if you don't live it.

What do you think enabling this absolute twattery is achieving OP?

He is abusing you infront of your DC. This will have a lifelong impact on your DC. Stop pretending he is a good Dad or that the mental health issues cause the abuse, you are making an active choice to raise your child in this environment and normalise abuse to them.

What does your DH's medical team suggest is the best way to deal with his issues, OP? I really can't imagine that they recommend pandering to his nonsense.
And most cars have 2 keys, so why don't you have one to keep on your person, just as DH does?

So? Is that a reason to condemn your young child to a half life?

If you didn’t have a child and decided to be miserable because the memory of your husband was enough to make you tolerate his present controlling behaviour that would be sad but your choice.

Continuing on like this when you do have a child who deserves a full and happy a life as you can possibly give them is not okay at all.

Your husband will find a way to cope. Your little one gets one childhood. You’re sacrificing that out of obligation because your husband is engaged when he can be bothered?

He’s a good dad when engaged?. When is he ever engaged with either of you?. It’s all about what he wants and you have no say. Your opinion to him does not count. He does not allow you to drive a car without him. He booked this awful cottage to stay in, this is all deliberate intent on his part.

He does not treat his work colleagues or others in the outside world like this.

You’re making a poor choice here in staying with him. Do you love him or are you confusing that with you being codependent in this relationship ?. You are not responsible for him or his actions, he is. His lack of empathy could be attributed to narcissistic personality disorder. Narcissistic people truly have no empathy for others.

Did your dad behave similarly towards your mother?. What are you getting out of this relationship now?.