Remote cottage holiday difficult with child and husband's health needs

[Omgheslikethat]

Looking for some ideas to navigate what is a difficult holiday experience.
We have rented an absolutely beautiful cottage for 2 weeks. However its very remote, not in a village, no footpaths on roadside and no public transport.
It would be perfect for a couple who just wanted a peaceful time.

DH suffers from some complicated health issues also MH issues and a short temper.
We have a young child who is a restless sleeper, though I don't hear him particularly.
This is causing my ailing husband to be short tempered and not want to get moving until late morning, early afternoon. By this time child is restless and silly, often naps in the car. We are at least 30mins drive from nearest attraction, and it seems pointless spending ££ on adventure theme parks entrance for max 2 hours which child might or might not enjoy. No child safe beaches nearby, just a couple of parks about 20mins away.

I'm not allowed to go out in the car without DH, and he always drives, so basically we are stuck waiting for DH to gee up, or like today he's gone to bed in a huff so we are just left hanging with nothing to do.

I suggested today we do x, which would be free except for the drive but DH lagged behind so much we didnt get out by 2pm and it closes at 4.30, so I suggested something else but that was not to his liking and he said I was being confusing by changing my mind.
He has executive function issues..

Shopping is a nightmare as nearest shops 20 mins drive away and no option for delivery. Try to buy 2 or 3 days worth of food but finding we either run out or fancy something different. We often self cater and its usually worked ok before, but I've had option of delivery or walking to shop.

Doesn't seem like the relaxing holiday I hoped for. I let DH book it because he briefly showed it to me, said it was near a town I vaguely know and liked.

On top, I've been feeling poorly with a virus.
Not really looking for solutions although useful ideas to reframe positively might help.

You are just making a long list of excuses for your husbands crap behaviour.

Sono diagnosis?
Because he miraculously doesn't have symptoms at the Drs?
Surely he can describe them, and they would send him for testing etc?

How long have you been together? How old is your DS?

I'm sorry, but I have serious doubts about his undiagnosed conditions. Please think long and hard about the life you are living - if not for you, do it for your DS.

@Omgheslikethat thank you for your update. My advice is still the same: don't stay with someone who isn't prepared to seek help, diagnosis and medication for their medical conditions.

Anyone can do an Dr Google armchair diagnosis. People can do both, mask or mimic symptoms. If he is ill, he needs help from professionals. Don't enable his behaviors by making excuses.

Please look after yourself and your child.

Re the driving ...... I'm not allowed to go out in the car without DH, and he always drives

I'd happily give it a go here but not with my child in the back.

Honestly you just need to gird up your loins and do it. Once you've done it once you will be fine. Start with somewhere near first then go further.

You cannot be dependent on your OH's whims. You need to show him that you do not need him to come and you can do it alone and give your child a proper holiday.

I know the first time might make you feel anxious, but you CAN do this - strap your child safely in, find a nearby attraction and just do it!

I'm assuming the car is insured for you. If not get a taxi. You need to show him that your lives cannot revolve round his moods.

With all his health issues should he be driving?

By the way, I am not unsympathetic to the idea that your OH might have a neurological problem, but if it turns out that he has you need to establish some sort of life for you and your child outside of his problems.

I get this - I nursed my OH through Parkinsons, a big feature of which was anxiety and I had to stay firm about having a life for me and the children that was outside of this central feature in all our lives. I can hear that you feel you want to do your duty by your OH, and I felt the same, but you can do that whilst also setting boundaries as to how much this is allowed to dominate your lives. It is not easy I know but it is essential that you and your son do not live his "sick" life - that is for him to live. You can stick by him and support where you can but in the end you have to be clear that this is not going to become your life exclusively.

Anxiety can become all-pervasive and distort a person's view of reality - you need to hold firm to your reality and not live his.

The short temper feature is particularly worrying. It may indeed be a feature of his neurological or mental health problems but it cannot rule your lives. By all means try and explain and understand why he might be like this but in the end it is something that is very hard for you to live with and I sense that this is why you fearr just taking the car and getting out there with your son.

But you cannot let fear of his temper rule your lives. If he has no control over this then this is a serious issue and involves your safety and that of your son.

I think you need some outside advice about this, because it is hard to judge what is just about within the bounds of normality and what is a cause for concern. I know it probably sounds a bit heavy to you but maybe you could talk to your local domestic violence services about what is happening. They will have a better grasp of how these things can build up from being short of temper.

If my husband prevented my driving anywhere by hanging on to the keys I would be ending the marriage faster than you could say "controlling fuckwit"

He may well have an actual illness (my own condition took over a decade to be diagnosed) but he doesn't get to keep everyone else hostage to it.

When I am too ill to go out I actively encourage the rest of the family to still go out and have fun

I would tell him (calmly and reasonably) that if he is unable to get up and out for a good day’s activities then he has three choices:
He sleeps on the sofa or gets ear plugs whatever to sleep properly so that he wakes earlier
He supports you to have a practice go in the car and then agrees that you take Dc out in the mornings
You all go home

If my husband prevented my driving anywhere by hanging on to the keys I would be ending the marriage faster than you could say "controlling fuckwit"

This

To thise posters who see my staying with DH as a problem, I hope you never find yourself struggling with life and needing more assistance than the norm. Yes he's controlling, but in part thats to get the world to wait for him. The world he's trapped in does not seem fun for him.

I'm sure plenty of us have experienced similar or live with someone with disabilities. We know that allowing them to behave like this IS causing the problem. Pussyfooting around your behaviour has meant that your child isn't growing up in the safe environment they deserve. If GPs genuinely thought your husband had a disability that put your child at risk, this would be flagged with SS. They do not believe your husband has a disability, therefore they believe his behaviour is an active choice. If he can control it around professionals, he can control it around your child.

He is neither the partner nor parent I expected him to be, but for better or worse meant something to me.
We'll survive the holiday and thanks for listening.

What you mean by that is, your marriage in what ever shape or form your husband chooses to present that is your priority and your child's welfare is low priority to you. You are happy with your child being emotionally abused so where IS your line? When they are physically harmed? When they are seriously physically harmed?

This is incredibly depressing OP - and I don’t mean the accidental holiday location - I mean the whole manner in which you live. DH is undiagnosed because there’s not actually anything wrong with him other than being an angry, unhappy, controlling arsehole.

It’s so sad that this is DS’s childhood.

The trouble is that it screams out from this that you are putting your partner before your child out of a misplaced belief that your past feelings mean you have some sort of obligation to him. Your obligations to your child are much, much greater. Your partner could remedy many of his issues just by going to a doctor, being completely open with them, and following medical advice. He won't be stuck high and dry without you. If anything you are facilitating him keeping his eyes closed to reality.

Seriously, in your shoes I would be looking at getting a taxi to take you and your son to the nearest station so you can go home. And when you get home, see a lawyer and sort out what you need to do to split up permanently from this man.

He supports you to have a practice go in the car and then agrees that you take Dc out in the mornings

He doesn't have to agree! - she is a free human being!

@Omgheslikethat , so your DH has not had an illness or accident that has caused him to be left with issues, this has just crept up? This quite worrying and you are being far too passive.

I do have experience with immediate family members with brain injury, neurological issues, neuro divergence and MH issues and auto immune conditions. You need to be much stronger for your husband's sake as well as your child.

You need to reach out for some outside help. How old is your DC? You need to be much more in control of family life and it sounds like you would be the safer main driver.

What is the reason that you are not acting? That you are accepting your husband withholding the car keys from you? Why don't you have your own set of keys?

Yes, agreed. Badly worded, I meant ‘puts up no barriers or objection to the Op going out with their Dc’

Being undiagnosed doesn't mean there's nothing wrong with someone. It took me decades to get a diagnosis

But being ill isn't a reason to prevent everyone else in your family living life. And it isn't a reason to control your spouse

OP, it does all sound very difficult, and you need to find a balance between supporting and empathising with your DH, and protecting your own life and your DC’s life from becoming as small and restricted as your DH’s.

At the moment the balance is very much weighted by your DH.

You will be totally fine driving the car.

It isn’t ok for him to prevent you from driving.

Have a hard but direct conversation and then go out for 15 mins while your DH minds Dc?

Is your DH money conscious? Tell him you will not be kept cooped up and either he gives you access to the car or you will contact one of the hire companies that deliver to your door (you can Google in your area or look on Booking . Com ) on your family credit card.

You can do this without blaming him or being nasty. Just calmly say you understand some things are difficult for him, that’s fine, but you need to look after your DC’s needs too, so will be taking him on a few proper days out.

I don’t understand “not allowed” to go out either

he sounds like a shit husband tbh, regardless of the health concerns which you are using as an excuse.

it’s a crap holiday. Tell your dh you’ve had enough, go home, then plan something else entirely with just you and your dc.

I think you might need to grab the bull by the horns and get in that car. I am also nervous like this but once you have done 5-10mins, you’ll wonder what all the fuss was about!

I have no opinions on the complexity of his situation but I do believe that your little one deserves a fun holiday and your husband will probably welcome some breathing space.

Get the keys and get out to a playground and a cafe that you know is nearby. You’ll be fine.

Living with domestic abuse is bad enough but being stuck in a cottage miles from anywhere? Nope! Let him go off on his own and enjoy 2 weeks of peace without him!

and get your ducks lined up!! If just for your child if not yourself!! Coercive control is abuse and now the police and the law take it seriously and men end up in prison if they decide it’s bad enough! Speak to the police and women’s aid for advice

That's highly convenient for him.

The “illness” isn’t causing any of this op!!! His narcissism is!! Domestic abuse isn’t a medical condition so whatever crap you’ve been fed is just that!! CRAP!!!
and if he struggles this badly with his mental health etc he shouldn’t be driving!!

Think about what it’s like for your child to live with this awful man!! And educate yourself on NARCISSISM and abusive men who are narcissistic and manipulate people into thinking they are ill…he’s NOT ill! There never was a nice person underneath the “ill” person! THIS is the REAL HIM! It took me 20+ years to realise this about my husband and he got worse and worse and worse and was heading into physical abuse as well. Our children I thought I’d protected from him and had no idea just how much they understand and pick up even as small
children! Your husband isn’t diagnosed because they would diagnose narcissism and ABUSE because that is what he is! No way will he let them assess him properly because his “illness” is as I’ve said! Please get your child out of there!

Can you explain what a no child safe beach is?