CF guest has everybody dancing to her tune.

[ThisOldThang]

We're in a family self-catering holiday in a long haul exotic location.

My father-in-law is from this place and has a terminal illness. This is his 'last visit' to his home country. He's paid for the flights and accommodation for the entire UK based family to go with him.

That's a total of 8 adults and 4 kids. My brother-in-law's parents have also come, bringing it to 10 adults and four kids.

The holiday revolves around my father-in-law visiting and spending time with all his relatives. There are gatherings and meetups planned pretty much every day.

For some reason, that the rest of us can't understand, my sister-in-law has invited a friend from the gym as well. Nobody else really knows or likes her. She appears to be ND, which may explain why she didn't politely decline the invitation.

She's staying with my brother-in-law's parents in a neighbouring villa. They'd already booked and paid for their accommodation, so they were kind enough to say that she could stay there for free.

This woman is now causing problems and arguments due to her CF'ery.

She's refusing to contribute to the communal shopping 'because she doesn't eat everything that's been bought'. We've always just split the bills by family unit. The kids obviously don't drink alcohol and are pretty low maintenance in terms of food. She's also demanding the kids are counted as 'full people' for any shared costs, etc.

Is it me or should she just fuck off? She's come away on a family holiday and now thinks she gets to call the shots on how we do things. The mind boggles.

Just to add, she's taken over the en suite bathroom in the next door villa that's she's staying in for free, despite there being another bathroom that was allocated for her use.

Absolutely this

Which family unit is she part of, or what is her share in relation to everyone else's? If she is being asked to contribute as her own family unit (1 person) the same as a couple with children, I can see why she is reluctant. Also, if she is her own unit, she is subsidising the families with children that she's unrelated to.

I'm not saying she's right, as you haven't given enough detail. However, it's SIL that is relaying all of this, so she is the one at fault/ responsible for not having addressed this herself.

Although on reflection, if she’s on a villa next door that’s even easier as she can store her food there, cook there and time it so she can eat with everyone (if she wishes).

Your DH needs to speak to his sister and tell her the friend is out of order and spoiling the trip. She should either contribute as directed by the family or buy her own food and eat alone. Why did no one pull up SIL when she offered the invitation?

Have a firm conversation with SIL, she invited this CF and needs to step up and remind her why you’re all there for a start and to stop behaving like a self important duchess!

🤣 I think it’s possible 😏

My daughter is ND and only eats specific food which is the same as a lot ND people

I think it would be reasonable for her to be considered as half a family unit. So instead of dividing the bill by 5, we divide by 11 and she pays one 11th. The other family units should pay two 11ths each. That keeps things simple. It obviously won't work out exactly, but we've always just split things evenly because we're a family and we simply don't care that much about £10-20 here or there.

Nobody is trying to take advantage of her.

I was thinking this it’s a strange set up

Is his home country relatively cheap? Could you and BIL club together and book CF into a hotel for the rest of the holiday. Not ideally but best way to remove her without having to have a drama.

Alternatively, you get CF alone and have some stern words, you’re not sure what SIL has told her but FIL is dying and she is causing upset at his last ever holiday. You aren’t sure if she’s aware how much she’s upsetting a dying man, so you are telling her. The deal for the rest of the holiday, she joins in with the group terms of splitting bills or she leave the villa and stays elsewhere. She gets out of someone else’s bathroom. She stops acting like she’s the important one, she has joined someone else’s family holiday and she can fit in or leave. You won’t have FIL upset again.

You may joke but we actually have this in our family 😅

Oh you've got a cuckoo in the nest. Could be to much true crime, could be an overactive imagination but this women is trouble. Keep a close eye on your sis in-law and don't let her become separated from the family with only her 'friend' on her side
She's after the inheritance!!

You are asking her to subsidise ALL of the children though. I don't know how many there are or how much they are eating or drinking, but can understand her pushing back on this to her friend who invited her. She isn't subsidising the odd niece or nephew here while her own children benefit too.

And this here is the very reason CFers get away with their CFuckery.

Just say thanks but I won't be partaking in any of this nonsense.

You're there to holiday and spend time with FIL, not to say how high when CFer says jump.

Nobody else really knows or likes her. She appears to be ND, which may explain why she didn't politely decline the invitation.

ND people tend to be more literal and matter of fact. Whereas neurotypicals tend to pussyfoot around and be passive aggressive instead of being straightforward. ND people find it hard to understand dynamics when NTs aren’t 100% clear on instructions, expectations and boundaries.

I think this is what’s going on here. To NTs she’s being a “cheeky fucker” but in her mind she doesn’t understand that.

Hindsight is a wonderful thing, but your SIL really needed to be 100% clear about the expectations of sharing costs before she agreed to come on the holiday.

How are you related to your brother-in-law’s parents who you mentioned have also come? I’m struggling to work out how they are different people to your parents-in-law.

I would be very careful here yourself. This is a very volatile situation where a family is very distraught due to terminal illness. This is on top of an existing history of SIL problematic drinking and entrenched eggshell walking by the rest of your ILs.

It is a hideous situation but is especially a tinder box right now with everyones
heightened emotions.

This is for your ILs to resolve - where is your DH in all of this ? Do not inadvertently step into the role of scapegoat at this delicate time in the family.

Who is the one complaining and gossiping about the friend?

Is everyone so sad and distressed that they are avoiding facing the sorrow of this trip and it’s all being amplified and projected elsewhere. Are they a family that are unable to express emotions and resolve conflicts healthily? Is it often passive aggressive, enabling etc? If so this is their entrenched behaviours for decades. You won’t change that now and these behaviours are likely to have been entrenched for decades and doubled down on in this stressful time.

This is a desperately sad time for all of your ILs, DH and DCs. Take it easy. I hope it can be calm and peaceful and you can all get some space amd comfort.

I would think her BIL is her husband's sister's husband. They are his parents.

Yes, I agree with this. This is a family holiday and your SIL who shouldn't have invited her friend. After all she is a total stranger to the rest of you.

ThisOldThang
The holiday revolves around my father-in-law visiting and spending time with all his relatives. There are gatherings and meetups planned pretty much every day.

I trust and hope the CF is not being involved in any of these gatherings or meetups, and it has been made extremely clear to her and your SiL that she is absolutely not invited to any of them.

She's got free accommodation!

They are SIL's husband's parents.

She needs to get a separate bill every time you're out, and indeed for any other eslxpenses, and just pay for herself. Then everyone else can split as normal.

She also needs to be told bugger off out of the ensuite and leave it to the people who have paid for the accommodation! Hlim not clear if she has appropriated the ensuite bedroom or is she walking someone else's?!

Yes this is very true. Just stay calm, don't get involved in any drama. I think with a lot of people being together, it does tend to cause an atmosphere.
Just enjoy your holiday as best as you can, away from the drama and hopefully you will be back home soon.

The neighbouring villa has three bedrooms and two bathrooms. One is an en suite.

The parents-in-law, that paid for that villa, took the room with the en suite and said she could have exclusive use of the other bathroom.

The man told me that this morning he woke up to find CF's toothbrush in their en suite.