CF guest has everybody dancing to her tune.

[ThisOldThang]

We're in a family self-catering holiday in a long haul exotic location.

My father-in-law is from this place and has a terminal illness. This is his 'last visit' to his home country. He's paid for the flights and accommodation for the entire UK based family to go with him.

That's a total of 8 adults and 4 kids. My brother-in-law's parents have also come, bringing it to 10 adults and four kids.

The holiday revolves around my father-in-law visiting and spending time with all his relatives. There are gatherings and meetups planned pretty much every day.

For some reason, that the rest of us can't understand, my sister-in-law has invited a friend from the gym as well. Nobody else really knows or likes her. She appears to be ND, which may explain why she didn't politely decline the invitation.

She's staying with my brother-in-law's parents in a neighbouring villa. They'd already booked and paid for their accommodation, so they were kind enough to say that she could stay there for free.

This woman is now causing problems and arguments due to her CF'ery.

She's refusing to contribute to the communal shopping 'because she doesn't eat everything that's been bought'. We've always just split the bills by family unit. The kids obviously don't drink alcohol and are pretty low maintenance in terms of food. She's also demanding the kids are counted as 'full people' for any shared costs, etc.

Is it me or should she just fuck off? She's come away on a family holiday and now thinks she gets to call the shots on how we do things. The mind boggles.

Just to add, she's taken over the en suite bathroom in the next door villa that's she's staying in for free, despite there being another bathroom that was allocated for her use.

Just tell her she needs to sort her own food and drink out if she doesn't think the split is fair. She will soon work out that buying a whole bottle of sauce etc is more expensive than 1/11th but you all need to stick to it so say "sorry janet (cf) you cant use that olive oil, remember you wanted your own food budget, ill just put it back in our cupboard"
Whoever is sharing the accommodation with her and not your ill fil needs to sort out the bathroom. As annoying as it is if you arent staying there try and stay out of jt

I agree ‘Fuck off you weirdo’ sounds about the only correct response.

I just can't get over the fact the CF agreed to go on this trip. It's not a little jolly holiday for fun and drinking, it's about family surrounding and loving on a dying man who should be nothing but supported and cared for. Why the fuck this woman was even invited I don't know, but more why she went?? It's so weird. She should be ashamed.

I have no good advice, but in these circumstances I'd have no pleasantries and just tell her she needs to wind her neck in and stay in her corner. She brings no benefit to this trip for you all, she needs to go home.

Your SIL needs to deal with this dodgy woman as she decided to bring her along as the family need to spend time with their father/ Grandfather as those memories are priceless.

If CF creates yet more scenes then she should be told to back of with her behaviour give your family space, she was just after a free or cheap holiday and she should not be there the first place.

Your SIL needs to deal with her, and she needs to stop being selfish as well as keep her opinions to her self, what your family members are paying for the kids is nothing to do with her, the kids have more legitimate reasons to there than she ever will have.

Would it help to have an alcohol bill and a food bill.. (the Alco bill.. just divided by how many adults and the food bill divided per head?

I can completely understand your frustration and think I would be mad with her and sil too.

However, the trip is for your fil and it definitely needs to remain calm and peaceful and for the reason I would try to find a solution that works for everyone as much as possible. Probably the best solution is to let her pay a bit less each time and those with kids pay a bit more. Will be much better for you all as no cross memories of the holiday mixed in with your emotions.

As for en suite she does need to be told to use the bathroom given to her or she could pay half for the villa and swap rooms!

I came here to say this. It’s outrageous.

I’m afraid my mind leapt to a relationship between SIL and the CF. There can’t possibly be a normal explanation for this.

All the adults (apart from Mother and father) need to sit SIL down and tell her to stop/sort this. If she tantrums then remind her this trip is not about her and her friend. Please don’t put up with this nonsense.

Sorry but this is literally so easy to sort out:

• the people in the villa w CF tell her to leave. SIL can have her at her villa since she is her friend. Or point her to a cheap hotel 😄
• You as a joint family tell SIL that CF will no longer be joining. If SIL wants to go out w her alone that's fine but she can no longer be imposed on anyone else.

Tantrums? Difficult behaviour?
She can scream all she wants who cares, you wont be seeing her period. Any further problems - police.

Job done. Don't wait for SIL to sort it, she clearly won't! Tell CF in direct words how you feel and let her tantrum away 😄

Don't cause or contribute to a row in front of terminally ill FIL or MIL.
But do facilitate a conversation with CF and SIL that it isn't appropriate for her to use an en-suite attached to the bedroom of her friend's parents. And that you understand she may not want to join in with the family catering arrangements and so she's very welcome to make her own arrangements and not eat with you all. You hope she enjoys her trip.

You're stuck with her it seems. She buys all her own food and cooks for herself if she isn't in agreement with the set up.

What does your wife say and what does she want you to do?

Does she hang out with you all in the day? In which case is there a way to gently bring it up in conversation, reinforce how important this trip is to the entire family, how much it means to FIL and all of you, how you all want the trip to be looked back on with fondness, how difficult this whole trip is emotionally on all the family members, sprinkle some positive things in your general musings (how lucky SIL is to have CF support at this traumatic time, or whatever, and how.much it means to SIL to have a friend she can lean on), and equally drop in that petty bickering about the odd £15 on a food shop may threaten everyone's enjoyment of the trip.

As for the weird en suite invasion, the main villa renters should just move the things into her intended bathroom, if they want to be polite they could frame it as they thought she'd misunderstood and how polite it is to keep one bathroom unused to save on cleaning but it really is hers to use....

TwoBad

You’ve said CF is ND and her behaviour sounds like demand avoidance and need a different way of exploring things to help their processing.

To make things easier for you for the rest of the stay you could try the following, - change directions into choices e.g. instead of ‘make a fair contribution’ try ‘would you prefer to source your food independently or contribute 1/11th with us’?
try a collaborative approach to problems e.g. ‘the in-laws suggested you can have the main bathroom to yourself, can we explore what the problem with that is?’

This is the maddest thing I've ever heard. Tell your SIL to sort it out and make it understood that CF is not invited to any family things and will have to make her own arrangements from now on.

It drives me mad when these situations happen and no one has the nerve to say something. Do you really want this trip to be marred by memories of this horrible person getting in the way? Everyone needs to get a grip.

It sounds like she's a huge pain in the arse, but asking her to leave (as some posters are doing) over £11 seems almost as ridiculous, considering the circumstances of the trip.

My wife is fuming. There's sibling resentment in the mix and she's pissed off that everybody has to tiptoe around her sister and the risk of a meltdown. She's aghast that her sister has invited this weirdo on the holiday.

(Empty post above just went before I had written anything and definitely before I hit "Post".)

TwoBad
if they want to be polite they could frame it as they thought she'd misunderstood and how polite it is to keep one bathroom unused to save on cleaning but it really is hers to use....

Which reminds me: does she do her share of any of the chores? Cooking, washing up, cleaning? Does she make her own bed, or expect someone else to do it for her?

Your wife has my sympathy! I'd be spitting tin-tacks.

It’s irrelevant that she has free accommodation - that was gifted to her by someone else - that doesnt impact you financially but you seem to be stuck on this point when it’s irrelevant to food bills.

Honestly, my advice is just let it go. There’s no point being mad about anyone using someone else’s en-suite in a different villa. If anything needs saying, it’s up to the people who are having their en-suite used to say it’s not ok.

as for sharing food bills, I agree it’s annoying, but in the grand scheme of things it really doesn’t matter. What matters is supporting each other as an extended family & spending time with someone who wants to enjoy a visit home and has limited time. Don’t sweat the small stuff, it really doesn’t matter.

Life is, as it turns out, too damn short

Tell that to the sister in law and sister-in-laws gym friend then and she should be absolutely fine with going with the flow of the usual divvying up of shared costs. After all, tell them life is too short, and priority is for spending time with palliative family members not quibbling over the family group decisions