CF guest has everybody dancing to her tune.

[ThisOldThang]

We're in a family self-catering holiday in a long haul exotic location.

My father-in-law is from this place and has a terminal illness. This is his 'last visit' to his home country. He's paid for the flights and accommodation for the entire UK based family to go with him.

That's a total of 8 adults and 4 kids. My brother-in-law's parents have also come, bringing it to 10 adults and four kids.

The holiday revolves around my father-in-law visiting and spending time with all his relatives. There are gatherings and meetups planned pretty much every day.

For some reason, that the rest of us can't understand, my sister-in-law has invited a friend from the gym as well. Nobody else really knows or likes her. She appears to be ND, which may explain why she didn't politely decline the invitation.

She's staying with my brother-in-law's parents in a neighbouring villa. They'd already booked and paid for their accommodation, so they were kind enough to say that she could stay there for free.

This woman is now causing problems and arguments due to her CF'ery.

She's refusing to contribute to the communal shopping 'because she doesn't eat everything that's been bought'. We've always just split the bills by family unit. The kids obviously don't drink alcohol and are pretty low maintenance in terms of food. She's also demanding the kids are counted as 'full people' for any shared costs, etc.

Is it me or should she just fuck off? She's come away on a family holiday and now thinks she gets to call the shots on how we do things. The mind boggles.

Just to add, she's taken over the en suite bathroom in the next door villa that's she's staying in for free, despite there being another bathroom that was allocated for her use.

I would tell her that she is causing a lot of bad feelings
that she needs to participate in the chores, she has squatted your family holiday & you are not her servants.
Tell her that she consumes a massive amount of alcohol, & that if she doesn't like the arrangement that your family have then she can move to alternative accommodation.
& she does not use the en suite of the people who are actually subbing her free room
Grrrr.

But everyone else is a loved member of the family, this woman is a random gym friend. It is normal for parents to pay for kids & families to go on special holidays. Not for random to be similarly treated

Exactly. It's not like she's a 10 year old. I don't understand why people can't just tell her to pack her bags and go to the nearest hotel. She's blown the freebie accommodations by being a CF. Have a taxi waiting for her.

First make her do some of the house work “ oh mable it’s your turn to cook / wash up ect . Secondly if you do another food shop “ oh sorry we won’t pay towards any alcohol SIL and Mabel have changed the way we split the bills we don’t want to spoil the new system we will only pay our share of food “ then oh I’m glad mable came it must of made Fred’s accommodation at lot cheaper, mable you got a good deal only paying half towards that lovely Vila and you have sole use of your own bathroom.

I doubt anyone will want to rock the boat and no one wants stress on holiday, I’d try to see the humour in it. Eg play CF bingo with my DP.

I can’t believe there are that many grown adults there and one of you can’t pull her up on her shit? She doesn’t wanna contribute to food okay she doesn’t eat.

You all need to grow a pair, frankly.
Whole group together. Say to the CF and the SIL that all food etc needs paying for equally. Yes, some people eat/drink less or more, but them's the breaks.
Tell her she does not use someone else's ensuite bathroom.
Point to/spell out the cleaning and cooking responsibilities and tell her exactly what she has to do (e.g. 'we all sweep the floor once a day' or 'You're on lunch Tuesday and Thursday.'
Let the SIL 'kick off'. Stop being frightened of her.

She's not your friend so don't worry if you offend her but you need to tell this gym woman to fuck right off.

You're all very clear about the reason for this trip and that's the most important thing. Not this woman or her feelings or her budget.

She can pay up shut up and stay or she can pack up and fuck off - those are the two options.

Show her this thread of answers, whatsapp her a link to it.

"hey, gym lady, fuck off away from this family holiday"

Probably sil's gf

The problem seems to me not really to be the CF herself (though she is awful, and needs for her own good to be informed how unacceptable her behaviour has been and is); it is that any criticism of her will probably cause the SiL to have a loud public meltdown, probably in front of her father. And that's what nobody wants: his clearly nasty child making things horrible for him.

It ties their hands. But it isn't a case of them not having the guts to stand up to the CF: it's that they know what the SiL is like and will do.

So, in essence, this is an argument about money? She’s not trying to change plans for the day, or affect who FIL see or what he does or any planned excursions or anything? No wonder MIL is saying keep the peace, can’t you just sort it out with SIL when you all get back rather than spoiling your final holiday with a terminal ill FIL for the sake of worrying about £50? You’re getting yourself all worked up over nothing. How long have you spent thinking about this and posting on here rather than just making memories? You’re letting a relative stranger spoil your final days with FIL and I’m sure your partner would rather not be dealing with this right now.

If this lady is ND, she may not understand social ettiquette and the nuances of a social situation. Some autistic people can't read body language or facial expressions, or pick up on social cues everyone else can read without it being spoken. She may also be motified to know she is being viewed as being ungrateful or lazy for not helping out, when in fact she has totally missed the opportunity to get involved. I was going to say or she might be anxious about joining in, but she has travelled an awful long way with strangers...so she can't be that anxious!

The helping out thing...someone in her villa needs to ask her to help. Not in a rude way...but asking 'would you mind doing xyz'. Spell it out for her. Some autistic people really rely on straight forward language. Say what you mean, mean what you say etc

The money aspect is a bit more complicated, and ND or not, that is taking the piss. It's almost like she is skint....but she has paid around £1200 for flights! Maybe she would feel like it's an injustice to subsidise someone else's drinking habit, but why not bow out of the kitty altogether and offer to buy her own food and supplies that she will eat?! She/someone should have suggested this at the outset. 'We do this as a family, join in or don't' type thing.

Good luck. Hope it goes well.

Completely agree. This lady was invited, offered a bed that was going spare, and nobody told her that she would be expected to pay for food as a single person the same as entire families of 3 or 4+. People are in different financial circumstances. You keep saying "we have always just done it by family" but if no one told this guest that, it doesn't really matter what you have done in the past.

The daughter of the terminally ill man invited her friend for backup.

You are in this family in an in-law relationship, and perhaps you should just focus on your own family as opposed to why the daughter invited this friend.

This. He's a diva. Why does he care so much. He's the in-law!

I don’t think she’s being asked to pay as much a family of four, they divided the bill by the number of adults.

I think he said his wife was ‘beside herself’ or something. She is on her last holiday with her father, I think she’s entitled to rant a bit to her husband about it.

She does have that right. He doesn't. That's why his diva "main character energy" has been highlighted.

Here's an accurate re-write of his post:

My terminally ill father in law has very kindly paid for my entire holiday and that of his children and their families. One of his children invited along another friend. I have nothing to do with this and am not paying for it.

I am totally incensed that this single friend is querying being treated as if she were an entire family of two adults and children for the purposes of splitting bills. She's paid for a long haul flight and I don't know anything about her finances.

I am diagnosing her as neurodiverse and whipping up sentiment against her on this holiday in which I am a non-paying guest, even though the couple paying for it (my mother in law in particular) has asked that I butt out.

Looks a little different that way doesn't it 🫠

My understanding is this was a change they made following her question/push back. In the original post he says they always split it by family as the kids aren't a big deal food wise (he says).

You have a family problem not a guest problem. The issue here is that your SIL felt entitled to invite a personal friend to a family holiday without asking the others, no one has the gut to talk to her, people are unhappy but it is all talked privately and behind doors and no one can say it aloud to the friend or the SIL. Now you are in this situation just make the CF pay less, it would be £100-150 difference that I am sure it’s not the end of the world, tell your in laws who offered the villa for free to talk to the CF openely or just stop talking behind her back as it does not solve the situation and then really really consider with your wife if you want to holiday with them in the future. It’s not an healthy family dynamic and yjr CF has just exposed that, expect further in the future. You either accept or just stop holidaying

In future the OP's wife's father probably won't be taking his final holiday in a particular place, since he is terminally ill and this was a last time for him, so whether OP and his wife ever speak to the SiL again, far less ever go on a holiday with her again, is really not all that relevant.

Wnexshes certainly a CF, I’d be letting my sister know in no y certain terms that she sorts it by i
Either paying CF share or putting the CF straight

Why are you all allowing this behaviour to continue and spoil the holiday for everyone else. It should have been nipped in the bud from the start. Call her aside in private and tell her like it needs to be told. Stop pussy footing around her.
She can probably get an air BnB room elsewhere if she can't behave normally and doesn't like to hear what's she's been told..

And then watch while CF runs crying to SiL about people being mean to her, and SiL throws an enormous strop, has a huge public tantrum, and ruins her dying father's last holiday in his birthplace.

That is why the CF is getting away with it: because SiL has form for being a nasty bit of work. particularly when drunk – which judging be the amount she has been reported as drinking may well be every evening when she is on holiday. The rest of the family care about the father whose holiday this is; she very likely doesn't really (when drunk).

Yeah she should fuck off

We've had this before on family holidays: sil's sister invited her child (so sil's nephew) to come on our holiday. The sister and her husband stopped in a luxury bed and breakfast separately to the (cheap) rented cottage, absolving all parenting of the nephew.

There are some shitty approaches to family holidays, let's face it

Id Toss her ass out and tell her to hit the road,!