CF guest has everybody dancing to her tune.

[ThisOldThang]

We're in a family self-catering holiday in a long haul exotic location.

My father-in-law is from this place and has a terminal illness. This is his 'last visit' to his home country. He's paid for the flights and accommodation for the entire UK based family to go with him.

That's a total of 8 adults and 4 kids. My brother-in-law's parents have also come, bringing it to 10 adults and four kids.

The holiday revolves around my father-in-law visiting and spending time with all his relatives. There are gatherings and meetups planned pretty much every day.

For some reason, that the rest of us can't understand, my sister-in-law has invited a friend from the gym as well. Nobody else really knows or likes her. She appears to be ND, which may explain why she didn't politely decline the invitation.

She's staying with my brother-in-law's parents in a neighbouring villa. They'd already booked and paid for their accommodation, so they were kind enough to say that she could stay there for free.

This woman is now causing problems and arguments due to her CF'ery.

She's refusing to contribute to the communal shopping 'because she doesn't eat everything that's been bought'. We've always just split the bills by family unit. The kids obviously don't drink alcohol and are pretty low maintenance in terms of food. She's also demanding the kids are counted as 'full people' for any shared costs, etc.

Is it me or should she just fuck off? She's come away on a family holiday and now thinks she gets to call the shots on how we do things. The mind boggles.

Just to add, she's taken over the en suite bathroom in the next door villa that's she's staying in for free, despite there being another bathroom that was allocated for her use.

They're just nice people.

The villas were booked at the same time. Our family one is actually two villas - upstairs and downstairs maisonettes. They booked the villa next door. CF booked her plane ticket at a later date and they were asked, presumably by SIL, if CF could stay there. They agreed and because they'd already paid, they told CF not to worry about reimbursing them.

Family dynamics can be tricky to navigate, and hindsight is obviously a wonderful thing, but I think saying yes at that point was a huge mistake, especially as it sounds like their own son isn't onboard with it. Surely a no can do wouldn't have been unreasonable? Too late now obviously, but sometimes people can be too nice for their own good, especially when it has a knock on effect for others.

What does he think about his wife's behaviour, and that of her 'friend'?

Maybe (I know this may not be a fashionable suggestion on Mumsnet) the OP simply cares about his wife being made even more unhappy on what was already an unhappy occasion for her, given that it is happening because her father is dying, and is angry with/about the person who is making his wife unhappy?

Some people do actually love their spouses, after all, so something impacting on one spouse impacts on bath.

Maybe he too is fond of his FiL, and doesn't like this last holiday for someone terminally ill being messed up by an outsider who is clearly being difficult and upsetting everyone.

In any case, how is OP not a family member and thus not a main character? The only person who isn't a main character in this situation seems to be the random gym friend foisted on the family by the uncaring daughter of the person who is dying.

This is so weird, at such a sensitive time, and not one person had the strength of character to say it there and then?
And now this?

I would be avoiding her and your SIL/BIL going forward.

Your SIL is a disgrace bringing such stress on a family holiday such as this.

Nope.
If this is real, this would give me such an ick.
It's not even the tracking, its the fact his mother has zero boundaries and this will be your future because he is clearly a mummys boy and knows no better.

Not normal.

I think you may have posted to the wrong thread?

SIL needs to handle this one.

Otherwise, do not serve the CF food.

Whatever about the guest, SIL has hijacked the very sad occasion in which your FIL is central, for reasons she should be asked to explain.

It's just very weird having CF here at all.

Prior to the holiday being booked, when it was just an idea that had been floated, SIL had discussed the potential holiday in terms of it being her father's last trip home to see his relatives. She clearly understood the purpose of the holiday at that point and then went on to invite the CF in front of her parents. The CF then went home and booked her flight before SIL could be made to retract the invite. There was a very 'emotional' family WhatsApp at that point where the other siblings made it clear they thought it was inappropriate, but the booked ticket was seen as 'end of discussion' by SIL.

Here we now are with CF amongst us.

To be fair to CF, I don't really blame her for being here. She was invited and may not have understood the dynamic. That's definitely on SIL. The shopping issues are also on SIL. She should have just said 'Sorry, that's how we do things and it's only £11 difference. You're just going to have to pay it to avoid annoying everybody.'. Instead, she's made it everybody else's problem.

Just to try and see your SILs side - maybe its a difficult time for her and CF is there to provide emotional support? How close are they? The fact that SIL's husband seemed to have accepted it tells me this person is not just some random?

How close SIL is with her - does she spend a lot of time with CF on this particular holiday? You mentioned an affair - is this a possibility?

There’s some weird dynamic with SIL & CF - I reckon they are having an affair otherwise there’s no plausible explanation to this at all!

Is the FIL aware of any of this? Or does he just think the CF is a friend of his daughter and he’s having a nice time eating and drinking what’s put in front of him and visiting places? Does he know about the money and the rest of it? Is he in the WhatsApp group, and crucially, does he actually read it? Is there the chance that he’s okay with how it appears to him?

Just to try and see your SILs side - maybe its a difficult time for her and CF is there to provide emotional support?

Seriously? She's got her husband and the rest of her family for support, why the fuck would she need her gym buddy there?

Because maybe she doesn't get it from her DH and child? I dont know. I'm speculating.

Even if the Sil didn't get that kind of support that's still no reason to invite her gym friend to a family holiday especially one during such a sensitive time. It's completely inappropriate and disrespectful.

I think you’re right not to cause an issue for your poor parents -in-law but in the journey home I would be making pointed comments to my husband loudly whenever it’s plausible to pretend you didn’t think SIL and CF would overhear

What a cheeky cow. She should be not dictating to anyone. If she doesn't contribute , she will need to sort herself out. Oh yes, you must tell her to fuck off....

Has anyone tried handing her a hoover? Or a dustpan and brush? Or maybe a washing-up bowl?

Or perhaps as it's only £11, you could suck it up?

I get that it's a bit annoying. But being so furious about it just seems totally unnecessary.

I kind of see her point - children do eat food. Not as much as adults, but still.....

I see that you are used to doing things a certain way, and it's annoying to have a stranger come and start asking you to organise things differently.

But is it actually worth getting so stressed about, when you father in law is dying? The extent of your outrage over a few quid (and a bathroom that isn't even yours) - that's what I am not seeing.....

You can’t do anything about the food money but the nice couple whose en suite she‘s using should remove her stuff from it immediately and tell her to use the other bathroom.

So SIL basically holds the family to ransom all the time under threat of having childish tantrums. You really need to get together after the holiday and make it very clear to her that she needs to grow up, you are simply not going to allow her to spoil things for everyone else in this way ever again. And make sure that comes true, no matter how much she screams and cries. It's the only way she is ever going to learn.

What has your SIL.promised this women? She is obviously a free loader after a paid for holiday.

I would have a quiet word with your SIL.and tell her to send her home

After my second holiday meeting up with one of my offspring, who’s partner fails at every level to understand Splitwise I totally understand.
Said partner took it unto himself to explain in words of one syllable that they and my child (in their 30s) had put their holiday money on a card and were therefore “one unit”.
What he couldn’t compute was that if we had a €60 dinner then his unit had a 2/3 weighting.
My kids and I always use Splitwise and I’ve now decided that any further trips including this guy will only happen if we all pre pay into a kitty.
The OP’s “friend” needs to know that if she doesn’t contribute then she pays for herself.

I’d tell CF to order and pay for her own stuff and not to involve herself in the family stuff.
is there anyway you can just buy your own shopping for your villa and leave the other villa to sort CF?
again, her taking over the en suite is a problem the people in that villa need to deal with… keep out of it.

When SIL says her friend wants to pay less state… well we don’t drink much alcohol so we aren’t paying as much in, x doesn’t eat meat so she pay less, your DD is a teenager so eats more than the other kids… would you like me to continue dear SIL?! And say… tell you what let’s split the food shop the way CF wants, but alcohol is paid separately and you buy your own dear SIL, and your CF friend can buy her own!! Point out that you think if she was paying less towards the food but more towards her share of alcohol that she’d likely end up paying more than the 11th you’ve all asked for!!!