Should we still include our university-aged son in family holidays?

[zurigo]

DS1 is off to uni this autumn and DH is very eager to not include him in any family holiday plans going forward. This is due to his attitude on some (though not all) recent holidays, when he's been a bit of a PITA with a poor attitude. We've already booked two trips without him - a weekend city break at new year (he was awful when we went away this year at new year - serious FOMO for what all his mates were up to in his absence) and a week's skiing in Feb half-term (he'll be at uni, so shouldn't even really be aware that we're away).

But what about next summer? I'm on the fence about this and keen to see how he behaves this summer (we're going away for two weeks in Aug to a destination that he really likes). Next summer is post-GCSE for DS2 and so we're planning a trip to Asia and DS1 has said he wants to join us. But will he, when it comes to it? I know obviously no one can answer this, but any insights from parents who've been through the uni years would be welcome. Most of the families we know seem to still take their uni-age teens away with them in the summer and everyone seems to have a good time (or at least they SAY that's the case!)

I see he wants to If he is ungrateful and unpleasant on holiday i wouldn't invite him, but. If he is prepared to be decent I would it is a nice holiday.

He's still your son. He still lives with you when it's not term time. He hasn't left the family.

Yes, we take our university student children on family holidays. But we also have weekends away on our own.

My eldest would be devastated and will come for as long as we pay. A trip to Asia? She’d be there with bells on. However, she isn’t a pain in the arse when we are away. I think he will want to go but be very clear that if he commits he has to go and if not he reimburses you.

We do both DC or no DC.
Our last big trip with our DC was last year (China) when they were 24 and 26.
I will do more, maybe every few years if they want to join us.

I still include my uni age kids for the main holiday but I do ask them if they want to come. Mostly they do. I’ve also given the option that if they prefer to go with friends, we will fund it to the same value as we’d pay for them to come on the family holiday.

Is he still coming home between terms?

I would’ve been very sad if I’d been excluded from a FAMILY holiday while I was at uni. My parents went on multiple trips just them, but if it had been a family holiday and I was excluded I would’ve been gutted.

I think if you exclude him you run the risk of breeding contempt?

Surely its much better to include him and foster the time between now and then in building up a positive relationship between you all?

I’ve done this option too.

I’d invite him and give a detailed agenda for what the holiday will involve. And I’d not be upset if he says no.

I haven’t taken mine as adults, last holiday was after a levels. I don’t have any friends who take their kids either. We have gone away for a short break eg meeting up in London for birthdays but not full holidays

I think it’s totally fair to do the trips without him that you gave suggested at Xmas and skiing. You could ask him about the summer but be clear that he needs to come with a positive attitude!

To be clear: I don't want to exclude him - I would much rather that he came with us as long as he wants to. It's DH who is fed up of his attitude, but he can be absolutely lovely sometimes and on certain trips he's been great company, and that's why I'm keen to see what he's like this summer.

At new year though he was awful. We'd asked him last July if he wanted to come and he said yes, then when it came to it he didn't want to and kept begging to be allowed to go home. The thing with the Asia trip is that we're likely to start booking elements of it in the autumn as we tend to book things like flights 8-11 months in advance to get the best prices. That means he'll be committing a long time before the trip.

We always take dd1 with us if she can get the time off.

A friend of mine took her twin dds on their first foreign holiday a few years ago (both about 16) & they looked miserable the whole time. They didn't exactly misbehave but she decided she'd never take them abroad again. Once they were home however they said it was the best holiday they'd ever had 🤣

My eldest DS is the same age/stage and he's welcome to come with us for as long as he wants. I like his company though, as does my DH/his dad. It's sad that your DH is so eager to cut him out of what sounds like an amazing trip. I certainly wouldn't make any decisions now. Wait and see how things change and how everyone's plans evolve.

I do get the problem of having to book a long way in advance. My uni age son can't commit to coming on holiday with us until near the time (he doesn't know if he'll be working or going away with his girlfriend or friends) so I tend to book something that he can easily be added to if he's around, no problem if not. This summer he's not coming with us but we would have happily added him if he'd wanted to.

No, I'd give him some money towards a holiday with his friends. He is old enough to be told that he's ruined holidays and you're not prepared to take the risk.

As an aside, my mum and dad went on rather rubbish holidays - think basic Spanish resorts in lively areas, which they then moaned about for being a bit rough (but we DC were expected to be grateful for!).

There’s no way I would have wanted to go along with them by the time I got to university, so I’m quite envious of families who can and do lovely holidays in places their older DCs would enjoy.

Our DD would not have even considered coming on holiday with us when she started university.
She did fly out to Spain and join us with a friend at our flat.

dd 1st year uni has just joined us for a week in spain with her boy friend, we didnt assume just offered. This is the 1st year her brother( 23) hasnt come. I think you need yk ask.

What has he done on holiday? It comes across as mean to invite one child not another.

My eldest didn't come on any family holidays after starting uni and also wasn't there the one before uni, through choice. I remember he went on a different holiday with someone else during one year of uni. Also he wasn't one to come home for the majority of holidays anyway, I don't recall him being there much at all.
Having said that, I do not believe he would have given up the chance to go to Asia!

I think you have to include him on the Asia trip if he wants to go.

I never went on holiday with my parents after the age of 16. I was earning and had my own money. At university age your son is old enough to make his own arrangements and kids of that age mostly do not want to socialise with their parents.

Sit down snd tell him about your reservations. He's an adult! 'We'd love you to come son but don't be a dick ok? ' jeez.

I will keep inviting DD for as long as possible. She’s just finished her second year, and is coming to Mallorca with us tomorrow. She’s also having a holiday with her boyfriend and his family. But we all get on v well, and enjoy our holidays together. If she didn’t fancy it, she would say.