Should we still include our university-aged son in family holidays?

[zurigo]

DS1 is off to uni this autumn and DH is very eager to not include him in any family holiday plans going forward. This is due to his attitude on some (though not all) recent holidays, when he's been a bit of a PITA with a poor attitude. We've already booked two trips without him - a weekend city break at new year (he was awful when we went away this year at new year - serious FOMO for what all his mates were up to in his absence) and a week's skiing in Feb half-term (he'll be at uni, so shouldn't even really be aware that we're away).

But what about next summer? I'm on the fence about this and keen to see how he behaves this summer (we're going away for two weeks in Aug to a destination that he really likes). Next summer is post-GCSE for DS2 and so we're planning a trip to Asia and DS1 has said he wants to join us. But will he, when it comes to it? I know obviously no one can answer this, but any insights from parents who've been through the uni years would be welcome. Most of the families we know seem to still take their uni-age teens away with them in the summer and everyone seems to have a good time (or at least they SAY that's the case!)

I think this is fair. I cant believe OPs son changed his mind on holiday and wanted to go home. He's also old enough to behave as well. Not everyone could afford to pay for their kids plus 2 others as well.

We take adult kids with us at least once a year but keep it easy for them to change their minds eg book a villa with cheap flights so they can bring a friend and/or duck out with minimal cost implication (we’d have the villa anyway). For a long haul “travelling” type holiday there’s far more jeopardy especially if booking so far in advance - he might have secured an internship for example, what happens then? Too many moving parts over and above the behaviour issue IMVHO

Some of my happiest memories are villa holidays with my parents (and sister) when we were uni aged. Villa near enough a town centre to scatter, pool, much rose wine and the offer to each bring a friend or boyfriend. I hope to do the same when DSs are older.

We always ask our DC if they want to come on our summer holiday but they are generally not a PITA and we all enjoy each others company. The DC get to catch up with each other and enjoy spending time with each other.

All the adult children of our friends seem to go on family holidays. My eldest just left sixth form and he will always be welcome but he's great company on holiday.

When I was at uni my grandmother took and paid for all her kids and all the grandkids except for me and one cousin as I was an adult - not 100% sure of reason cousin wasn’t taken. It hurt at the time and still does 30 years later.

Ask your son, he may not want to go but at least give him the choice.

Ask him. I didn’t holiday with my parents after I turned 17 because I went abroad on my own. Likely he won’t want to go.

Our DC are mid 20s and the plan is to go on holiday as a family once a year while they still want to. However, we get on very well as a family. No difficulties or awkwardness.

I took my youngest (DD3) and eldest(DS1) to Barcelona for DD1's 21st when they were both at uni (DS1 doing PhD) and it was one of the best holidays I've ever had. They both had a good time too. Having said that, the Summer after DS1's first year at uni he was hideous- so full of himself. Fortunately he got over himself and remains a delight.

MN never fails to shock me

We did this too when ours were at uni. They both came with us two summers and went with friends the final year. Once they were finished studying, but still living at home, we invited them to holiday with us and they both still wanted to which was lovely.

So once I was 18 my mum said if I wanted to go on holiday with her and dad I had to pay for my flight. She'd pay for accommodation, and food, and activities but I had to commit by paying for my flight. I got some amazing holidays for what was really a pittance.

I think you could try this approach so hes not excluded but he has to contribute and commit

No. He’s burnt his bridges. It’s time you and DH enjoyed yourself without guilt.

I never went on holiday with my parents past the age of 13. I went to Ibiza with a group of friends when I was 15.

I think your plan to see how it goes is a good one.

I do think mix of holidays with kids and without is fine. But taking one and not at least offering to the other is problematic.

Several of my colleagues have adult children still holidaying with them for things like skiing. They are happy to pay as they enjoy seeing their kids and can afford it - different if money is tight.

I do disagree though with mums net hive mind on the kids having to fly in same class as parents and stay in same grade of hotel rooms. They are students / young adults being paid for. Unless you are mega wealthy putting them into economy and going premium your self isn't a biggie nor is getting them a more basic room (assuming it is actually practical and doesn't involve opposite sex teens bedspring like the example above).

Realistically even a free trip with a flight in economy and a basic hotel room is a good offer and if they travel themselves things are often really basic (bus across asia and hostel dorm.... ).

We've just the one son just about to start his 3rd Year at Uni. He still comes with us on holiday - we ask him and he wants to. There's no issues with attitude whilst away (and may think differently if there was). He comes up with ideas and things he would like to do ... we try to ensure there is something for everyone on the holiday, but there's not been anything that someone has not enjoyed.

DH and I went away in November whilst he was at uni and he was gutted he wasn't included!.

We will continue to ask him if he wants to join us on hols and will do so for as long as he wants to come. Where we hire a cottage a year or two out, we will book one that will sleep 4 (so he can bring a friend if he wanted to) ... we have the option of switching to a smaller cottage nearer the time if needs be.

We've just one child so would be a very different dynamic if another sibling was involved. I probably would go to any length to avoid being accused favouritism or excluding anyone

Include. Just because he's at Uni why dismiss him.

DD21 has continued to come on our family holidays and will do so for as long as she wants, however she is generally not too much of a pain in the arse

I would simply ask him. My uni aged DD has been a moody mare on the last few family holidays and we essentially paid air fare and exorbitant hotel fees for her to sit in it all day and not engage.

This year we asked and she said she would rather stay home as she hates travelling, airports and the heat. She is AuDHD so on many levels we understood - just couldn’t bear the flouncing and moods.

We felt bad about not taking her and checked at the last minute whether she really had wanted to come - but she actually said she felt ‘seen and heard and that her opinion mattered, so also valued’. She has said that she would be happy to come on future holidays if they were within driving distance and involved a villa or in the UK, so we will do a holiday catered to her tastes too so that she knows we love her and want to spend time with her [where she is happy and not sulking].

We had a great holiday for the first time in several years with our younger son (18th and just finished A levels) and DH and I will be booking some holidays just for us going forward, but in summary: if you DS really doesn’t enjoy them and doesn’t want to be there, then let him chose not to go.

You could offer to give him a few quid towards a holiday with his mates each year that he is a student and not earning to assuage any guilt about excluding him, but really you need to talk to him. And don’t be afraid to tell him that there is no point his coming and being miserable, esp as it makes everyone else miserable. No-one loves the company of a martyr.

The uni summer holidays are really long so he would still have plenty of time to go away with friends as well if he wanted. I'd see how he is this summer and then decide. If he's better you will feel more confident about taking him and, if he's a misery, you can tell him straight that you'll only take him with a serious change of attitude. Asia sounds like a great holiday and it would be a shame for him to miss out and you to miss a chance of a holiday with him before he leaves home permanently.

I think that approach is utterly unfair and just shows that you don't really value your child.

Unless they work significant enough to be able to pay towards it, why would you give them a cheap option and you pay for a better choice? I think the idea that a child who is still very much depend on the parents financially should feel grateful for a free trip is just wrong.

I would feel really second class if my parents would say "yes, come with us but you get the crap option and we the luxury". When I went away with a friend and yes, that was a hostel and a tent, that was from my own money and my own choice. If I had gone with my parents I would have gotten the same options they booked.

Because he's been a massive ungrateful idiot who needs to mature

As he’s only nice company sometimes and a little spoilt brat the rest of the time NO I wouldn’t take him!! He can get a job and save up and take himself on holiday with his mates!! He’s an adult now

I'll keep inviting our kids for as long as they will come!

Include.
i think it’s fairly predictable that young adults will actually want to be with mates for new year, I wouldn’t bother taking any of mine away at that time after age 15!
all of mine are coming away with us this year, aged 22 to 30!