Should we still include our university-aged son in family holidays?

[zurigo]

DS1 is off to uni this autumn and DH is very eager to not include him in any family holiday plans going forward. This is due to his attitude on some (though not all) recent holidays, when he's been a bit of a PITA with a poor attitude. We've already booked two trips without him - a weekend city break at new year (he was awful when we went away this year at new year - serious FOMO for what all his mates were up to in his absence) and a week's skiing in Feb half-term (he'll be at uni, so shouldn't even really be aware that we're away).

But what about next summer? I'm on the fence about this and keen to see how he behaves this summer (we're going away for two weeks in Aug to a destination that he really likes). Next summer is post-GCSE for DS2 and so we're planning a trip to Asia and DS1 has said he wants to join us. But will he, when it comes to it? I know obviously no one can answer this, but any insights from parents who've been through the uni years would be welcome. Most of the families we know seem to still take their uni-age teens away with them in the summer and everyone seems to have a good time (or at least they SAY that's the case!)

Ask him !

He's old enough time behave properly- if he was a toddler I'd totally understand but he needs to be a teensy bit self aware that you're paying a lot if money for him to come ( and presumably for uni too). I think he's being very entitled. No way would we take ours at that age if they were going to act like dicks ( i mean there's always going to be disagreements etc but that's v different). Good luck op. He's lucky to have such nice parents. X

My son is 18 and never in a million years would I not invite him on a family holiday. He does still come and we always have such a good time together, I’ll be sad when these times come to a natural end.

I never went with my parents after age 16. However I now have two DCs, one graduated and is back home, the other is in uni summer break and is also back home. We have continued to holiday together as well as DH and I going alone, but we haven't done big holidays since the year they were 16 and 18 because it is almost completely impossible to pin them down more than a few weeks ahead due to part time and holiday jobs, other commitments etc and difficulty in finding something we'd all like to do. So it tends to be non-air travel (car or Eurotunnel or ferry) so we don't lose anything/much if someone drops out and self-catered apartments not hotels for the same reason. Also limited to short breaks. It's just not the time in our lives for big family holidays. This year we are going on a European city break in early Sept as out only family holiday. Last year it was 5 days in West Wales, the year before it was another EU city break, the year before was the last big one, a 10 day cruise round Greece/Turkey/Italy.

I would love us to do more family holidays and perhaps once everyone is settled into proper jobs we will again. The DCs have always been great company on holiday but we do go out of our way and compromise quite a bit to make sure it is something they will enjoy. Amongst families I know lots do still do holidays with DCs into their 20s as well as the DCs doing their own thing. but not all.

New Year is different. There are parties and things going on he'd have FOMO about. Avoiding NYE and festival season (if thats his thing) and you might have a much happier trip. Also book as many rooms as possible, my DC got v reluctant about sharing with anyone during their late teens. Its expensive, but creates a happier atmosphere.

DS has just completed his second year at uni. Both summers we have given him the option of coming with us. Last year he did Camp America instead and this year he chose to do an internship instead so didn't want to take the time off. We've also had a couple of long weekends whilst he's been at uni and didn't ask him if he wanted to come. We've already booked next years' holiday as we found a good deal. He has chosen to come with us as it's his 21st birthday and our 25th anniversary so it will be a big celebration.

One thing we have done though, when he hasn't come with us is to contribute towards his travels, e.g. we helped him with the Camp America trip. He went away for a long weekend with his friends a couple of weeks ago and we've given him towards that.

Like others, we gave DS the option, to come with us on the family holiday or the equivalent amount for a holiday with his girlfriend. He choose to go away with his girlfriend.

This year we are helping him more with uni expenses so won't be able to afford to pay for his holiday too. There is only so much money to go around and he is choosing to not have a part time job whilst studying.

He’s old enough not to misbehave on holiday surely?

We have taken ours away when they were at uni occasionally but most of the time they wanted to go away with their mates. We often gave them the money we would’ve spent on them coming away with us in order for them to afford going with their friends.

I certainly wouldn’t contemplate taking him if he’s been an arse on previous holidays.

I think he's burned his bridges a bit by being a huge pain on. your last break. If it wasn't for that I would say your DH is being unreasonable.

We said our son could come on family holidays until (and including) the summer he finished uni, although he's been able to opt out since he was 16 but never has so far.

... until this year. He's just graduated and when we booked the holiday in Jan and asked him he said no thanks as he thought he may already be working (aiming to start a grad scheme job in another country). But now he's finished and still having interviews etc so it looks like when/if he secures something it may be October. Our holiday is next month and I'm gutted he isn't coming and so is he! It's too late to add him on, I've looked into that. His dad doesnt seem bothered!

He's a great travelling companion in my experience because he gets really into all the research and planning and is a great map reader. But he winds his sister up (which is what really annoys DH) and last summer holiday he was getting tetchy with us by the end. So I think as a young adult, family holidays may have reached a natural end anyway.

Sorry that's a long way of saying that I see both sides.

I would still include my dc if she wanted to go, and her past behaviour showed that she actually enjoyed herself and was grateful. I would be having words about his poor attitude though.

I'd invite for bigger holidays - we don't when it's just DH and I doing a short break in term time (they're both at Uni). You may also find once DS has gone to Uni, his attitude is likely to improve, especially with the offer of free stuff!

Once they're 18 and finished with school I wouldn't expect them to want to go away with parents and younger siblings - holidays away home are with friends, partners or the holiday is spent working or studying or on soli travel.

However if he actively wants to then I don't think saying no is any way to keep a good relationship - definitely lay ground rules though and be clear there'll be no future big trips together if he's a pita.

I wouldn't have wanted to go away with my parents at that age at all, but after uni they heavily pushed "one last" family holiday with all the siblings. I knew deep down it would be miserable and it was. I shouldn't have gone. It was unfortunately a holiday to the USA which in theory had lots to recommend it (30+ years ago) but they booked a lodge from which we couldn't walk anywhere - all driving, and of course understandably only one of my parents was insured to drive. I honestly felt like a twelve year old the whole time - everything was on their terms, they suddenly treated us like mid teenagers again and and I couldn't go off for even a few hours either by myself or with siblings because of the location, from which it wasn't really even possible to walk anywhere.

Be sure he really knows exactly what you're planning, as it's very difficult to keep being grateful and charming when you know your parents have spent a lot of money but the actual holiday is just really not something you'd have agreed to if you'd been told the important details.

I have two over 18s and I go away for weekend city breaks 1:1 with one as we enjoy the same things, but it's very important that we're equals on there breaks and not me pulling rank. That's why they work. We sometimes all travel together to see extended family but it's very much voluntary and I'm careful to ensure we stay places they can do their own thing some of the time if they wish. I think it's a weird life phase having left home and sometimes still being back in teen role and needs mutual understanding of the challenges of the changed relationship.

Just be sure everything is transparent on both sides - expectations especially.

@B206 yes my parents did the same (or rather my DF and stepmother - the latter would've been delighted if I'd said No!). Three weeks in the USA - my dream trip - but going with my family? It was amazing to go to the places that I'd always dreamed of, but yes, we were all treated as much younger than we were, which was unbelievably frustrating. I remember smoking on the hotel balcony with my older DB, both of us utterly fed up of being herded around like primary schoolers! DH and I are not like that with our DC. We discuss where to go and what to do in advance and let them have a say/veto. Sometimes DH and I go off and do a museum in the morning and we leave them to sleep, or we'll potter off to a bar to have a drink and watch the sunset while they just want to be on their phones doom scrolling.

Anyway, thank you all for your thoughts. I do love the hive mind of MN for intractable issues like this. I think we'll see how the holiday goes next month and take it from there. If he's easygoing and pleasant then he'll be welcome to join us next summer, but only if he wants to.

I take uni aged foster son on holiday and take his gf too. DH and I also have holidays alone too.

Also tbh it wouldn't endear my husband to me if he didn't want one of our children to come on a family holiday including others of our children tbh.

Mine tried to encourage booking far less nice rooms for the kids than for us a few years ago, and making them put up with whatever bed arrangements were cheapest ( i.e three teens sharing a small room with double bed and an extra pull out camping bed, even though the teens were all bigger than us, we had children of both sexes and none of them were happy about sharing a small double bed) and booking us a large suite. I wanted to book a twin, a single and a double. I felt sort of disenchanted by his priorities.

Surely a man of 19 or 20 won't want to be stuck on a summer holiday with The Olds? He'll either be working, or going away with his mates.

I'm happy to read you're already avoiding that pitfall, though sorry you experienced almost exactly the same type of situation with your own parents/ dad and stepmother!

Is DS your DH son? It seems incredibly harsh to exclude him.

Mine are 26 and 29 and I still pay for them to join me on holidays.

Once our eldest reached uni age, we always asked him if he wanted to come with us. Same with his siblings as they reached the same age. He once said yes and came and was ok behaviour wise but he didn't choose to come again, not abroad anyway. The others all had a couple of foreign holidays with us and without him, but then all chose not to come with us, again, not abroad anyway. We have had one or two lowkey UK breaks with them. Their choice. We'd always be happy to take them with us, but they have to want it, and yes, behave themselves whilst away.

I would continue to invite him as long as he wants to come, provided either you can afford it or he can contribute on e he gets a decent job. Discuss it before this summer's holiday and say that if his attitude doesn't improve compared to previous holidays, you are withdrawing the invitation anyway. Explain that you have to start booking this autumn so he needs to commit and that if he later changes his mind he will either need to pay you back, or you won't be providing money for X.

He is an adult now and deserves to be treated as such, provided he can behave like one in terms of respect for you and thinking long term (IE thinking about whether he genuinely likes the sound of all aspects of the holiday including timing before saying yes). Say he doesn't have to come with you the way he did when he was a child, but he is part of the family and you would like to be able to enjoy his company as an adult.

We had holidays with our dd when she was a student, and since - but there’s no attitude problem. However they’ve generally been short and when a student not planned way ahead because we knew she would be likely to have other things she might want or need to do in the vacation, primarily internships. For many students those may need to take priority. So I’d be wary of nailing him down - even if he was 100% delightful - in the autumn.

We still take our dd aged 23 on holidays with us. We pay because we can. We will do it as long as she wants to come. It’s lovely to spend quality time altogether, we have Ds aged 14 as well and it’s nice to all be together doing something nice. We’ve done all sorts from UK breaks, to all inclusive 5 star med breaks, and a few weeks ago we all went to Disneyland Paris!

Or all three.

DD is just finished with her first year and we booked our family holiday back in January.

For next year DH and I will do a trip on our own as DD is not interested in the destination but we still plan a family trip in Summer, most likely shorter but that's due to her studies, not because she doesn't deserve it.

We ensure the holiday is planned properly so everyone enjoys it. Do you book and expect him to fall in line or was your holiday planned properly together?

DSs are 19&21, end of years 1 and 3 of uni. This year we’ve been skiing together (with friends from primary school). Last summer hol was 2 weeks sailing in the Med (with friends for a week). This summer (France), one is coming for 2 weeks but the older one has work commitments and may only join for a few days. Next year sailing again we think… and they are both invited.