Should we still include our university-aged son in family holidays?

[zurigo]

DS1 is off to uni this autumn and DH is very eager to not include him in any family holiday plans going forward. This is due to his attitude on some (though not all) recent holidays, when he's been a bit of a PITA with a poor attitude. We've already booked two trips without him - a weekend city break at new year (he was awful when we went away this year at new year - serious FOMO for what all his mates were up to in his absence) and a week's skiing in Feb half-term (he'll be at uni, so shouldn't even really be aware that we're away).

But what about next summer? I'm on the fence about this and keen to see how he behaves this summer (we're going away for two weeks in Aug to a destination that he really likes). Next summer is post-GCSE for DS2 and so we're planning a trip to Asia and DS1 has said he wants to join us. But will he, when it comes to it? I know obviously no one can answer this, but any insights from parents who've been through the uni years would be welcome. Most of the families we know seem to still take their uni-age teens away with them in the summer and everyone seems to have a good time (or at least they SAY that's the case!)

Are they family holidays ( with his siblings)? Then yes, of course you should include him/ give him the option.
If it’s a short break with just your husband, then no.

Well we do, but then our ds has never been ungrateful and enjoys coming away with us - we always give him the choice. He was really gutted when we took ds2 away without him in the first October half term that he was at uni but we’d promised ds2 that we wouldn’t stop going away just because ds1 wasn’t around. We’ve never lived it down!

From experience, they change a lot. The stroppy 17 year old can be an utter delight at 19 or 20! I would continue to invite him, and bear in mind that he will mature a lot in the next few years.

@reluctantbrit as I said I’m aware it’s not a popular opinion in mumsnet that teens/young adults don’t get exactly the same treatment as their middle aged parents but I stand by it. I’m talking about kids going economy on long haul flights (which is what the majority of their peers do) while older adults, possibly with musculoskeletal issues travel in a bit more comfort on the same plane. Not shoving the kids on easyJet while the adults fly by private jet. Or them having a standard room in the same hotel while the adults get a slightly nicer one eg with a sea view. I’m not proposing putting the kids in a youth hostel bunk room while the parents stay at the Mandarin Oriental round the corner.

In fact accomodation hierarchy often starts early - think of ski/caravan holidays - parents inevitably share a double room often with ensuite (maybe not in a caravan) while the kids are crammed in a bunk room (some in France sleep four) and a higher person to shower ratio.

In my experience there are always ways kids are differentiated from the household adults - most of the families I know have parents driving big expensive cars and the kids are in a much smaller and older super mini. Does this mean their parents don’t value them - should they all go out and buy their kids the same cars they drive to show they value them as people?

Similarly lots of families I know buy food in Waitrose etc (and the kids eat that when at home) but when at university they are given a smaller budget and expected to shop in more basic supermarkets and indulge in the great student staples of penne and tomato sauces beans on toast and egg’n’chips more often than the family do at home.

I'd speak to him firmly before, during, and after the upcoming August trip if his behaviour is (or has been) so bad that it impacts other family members and makes their holiday less pleasant. If he's a little moody or sulky that's manageable; split up and leave him behind if her prefers to stay at the hotel and wallow. Of course, if he opts to come along on outings and day trips when offered the choice but continues to moan during, that's a problem! If it's really bad then I think the discussion can include warning him that his continuing it may mean he won't be included in future holidays. He may need to hear some hard truths to understand the impact on others, and potentially to him in perms of future opportunities to travel with the family.

I do think that FOMO lessens a lot after the mid teens. If he's living at uni and coming home for the holidays his uni friends will have scattered and even if he still has close friends at home they won't be as embedded in each other's everyday lives, so he won't constantly be thinking everyone else is at x party and he's missing it. Clearly offering him the active choice to come or not should eliminate some of that, too.

I WOULD be careful about the Asia trip mainly because you're booking it so far out and probably need a commitment from him before he even knows what to expect from uni. But honestly, this should not be that difficult for him. If he decides he's going to go then he's committed and if some other opportunity comes up later he says no, which is a skill he's going to have to develop soon anyway. Just be very firm that you need to know by x date if he's coming or not (or if he wants to play it by ear, he pays any extra costs incurred by a later flight and hotel booking),

I'm not sure I've ever seen "the Mumsnet hive mind", as you call it having many discussions about flying in a different class to their children, as I'm pretty sure most people fly economy themselves. The fact that you would consider flying premium probably means you are what most people would consider wealthy.

Mine is at uni. She still comes in some holidays with us but over summer she works abroad at Camp America. I’d speak to him and see what his plans are.

I can assure everyone that we ALL fly economy and that we don't differentiate with hotel rooms either. As for the posters saying 'if it's a family holiday you have to invite him otherwise it's not fair'. Well, I disagree. His DB is 15 and has no choice but to come with us. And when DS1 was 15 that was true for him too - he had to come. But I think once you are an adult you can choose to come or not and we can also choose whether or not to offer, based on previous behaviour. I'm happy to agree to disagree with posters on this. My preference, FWIW, would be for him to come and be happy to do so, but I will completely understand if he'd rather go away with mates/gf and/or get a job. DH's view is slightly different from mine and he would be happy to exclude DS1 once he goes to uni. I'm not here to either attack or defend his position on this.

My preference, FWIW, would be for him to come and be happy to do so, but I will completely understand if he'd rather go away with mates/gf and/or get a job. DH's view is slightly different from mine and he would be happy to exclude DS1 once he goes to uni. I'm not here to either attack or defend his position on this.

So, you disagree with your husband, but you don't want to say why you think he is wrong, and you don't want others to express their opinions on his stance?

Your question then is that you want to invite your 19 yo son on holiday with you, but your husband (?his father) doesn't, and who do people think is in the right (but not why)?

Mine are the same age, and I would always invite them, but if one of them was a dick despite the cost involved then they would need a good talking to. TBH for New year's, I would remind him that last year he wanted to come home and spend time with his mates, so that's what he should do. Then he can experience what it's like and choose from a place of having experienced both. Most likely his friends will spend most of their time with their families and he'll have a couple of nights out/ a NYE party and that's it. My DS is annoying with the FOMO too!

Your question then is that you want to invite your 19 yo son on holiday with you, but your husband (?his father) doesn't, and who do people think is in the right (but not why)?

No, it's not. It's the question I posed in my OP. But you go ahead and tell me what I want to ask 🙄

I was just interpreting what you wanted based on your previous post i.e. no comments abour your husband's opinion, but okay the answer to the question in the thread title is yes.

Ds1 didn't come last year as he was working. He is coming this year. Dp; ds2 and I have been on a few short breaks without him, but they've generally been whilst he's been away at uni anyway.

We've tended to book self-catering and drive there, so it doesn't matter whether he comes or not.

I experienced this with my 16 yo DS. He never came on holiday with us again. He holidayed with his friend and his friends parents when he was 17. From the age of 18 he has gone on holiday with his friends.