Should we still include our university-aged son in family holidays?

[zurigo]

DS1 is off to uni this autumn and DH is very eager to not include him in any family holiday plans going forward. This is due to his attitude on some (though not all) recent holidays, when he's been a bit of a PITA with a poor attitude. We've already booked two trips without him - a weekend city break at new year (he was awful when we went away this year at new year - serious FOMO for what all his mates were up to in his absence) and a week's skiing in Feb half-term (he'll be at uni, so shouldn't even really be aware that we're away).

But what about next summer? I'm on the fence about this and keen to see how he behaves this summer (we're going away for two weeks in Aug to a destination that he really likes). Next summer is post-GCSE for DS2 and so we're planning a trip to Asia and DS1 has said he wants to join us. But will he, when it comes to it? I know obviously no one can answer this, but any insights from parents who've been through the uni years would be welcome. Most of the families we know seem to still take their uni-age teens away with them in the summer and everyone seems to have a good time (or at least they SAY that's the case!)

Well, tbh this is what both DH and I were expecting - that he wouldn't actually WANT to come away with us - wherever we were going! I stopped holidaying with my DPs at the age of 16, bar the trip described above which my DF asked me to go on as 'one last family holiday'. But Gen Z - or at least the ones round here - don't seem to be as eager to be free of their DPs as us Gen Xers were!

That’s because us Gen X are so much fun!!!

Perhaps we need to work on being really dull and holidaying in crap places 😁

Totally agree about making sure you go places where they can go off on their own - no more country cottages for us from about ages 14, we have always stayed in cities or towns where everything was in walking or public transport distance so we can all do our own thing.

My daughter is about to go in to 3rd year at uni and still comes away with us.
We ask if she want a to come and if she does then she’s more than welcome.
It’s time we can all spend together as a family and I wouldn’t have it any other way.
There will come a time when she doesn’t want to come and that’s totally fine but until then she is always welcome with us.

If he wants to I 100% would

I neither expected nor tbh wanted to be on family holidays once I left home, and I don’t take ds once he’d gone to uni, he’s 22 now. Dp’s family is a bit different and his kids have done part of a holiday with us. I would assume that the default is you don’t take him away with you, but that you might invite him on a specific trip in the future maybe. What I definitely WOULDNT do is offer him an invite conditional on behaviour. Either you want to invite him or you don’t and tbh his behaviour suggests he doesn’t really want to come anyway?

Dd preferred to go with friends (funded by us🙄) once she started uni

we go away with dd in the summer, she and I recently returned from a cruise around the med, but most of our trips are when she’s at university.

@PermanentTemporary with a student being at home for 1/3 of the year I don't really see DD as "left the home".

It's not that she has a full time job and a life on her own.

are Finances an issue OP? When my oldest starts uni it’s unlikely I’d be able to afford to help him with uni costs and take him on our family holiday

DS18 currently on holiday with us (plus his girlfriend) .

I think a 2 week summer holiday trip to somewhere in Europe is very different to a family holiday to Asia.

See how it goes on the upcoming trip you have planned for you all. Then sit down and discuss it . Depending on what type of accommodation you are booking in Asia main cost will be his flight ticket ?

My older kids still do family holidays. We are going to the far east. One just finished second year and the other just graduated. We go out of our way to find time that works for them.

We do some holidays with DS 20 and some without. We save up for BA companion vouchers through credit cards and that’s naturally for 2 people so DS doesn’t come on those trips, but we are paying for him and his DGF ( girlfriend not grandfather) to come to Tenerife with us in September- 4 is not much more than 3 and we reckoned we would all enjoy it more with her there and an extended family long weekend to the Lake District in August.

He may not come to the family one though because he has a summer job and that’s the main issue is getting him to commit in advance as he has uni, the rugby team training matches and social trips and other things. Certainly wouldn’t be able to pin him down for a summer 2027 holiday.

I couldn’t imagine not giving my uni age kids the option to come on holiday with us. I actually want to spend time with them.

are Finances an issue OP?

No, we're fortunate to be able to pay for him without it being an issue.

Depending on what type of accommodation you are booking in Asia main cost will be his flight ticket ?

That will be a big chunk of the outlay - yes - and our itinerary actually requires five flights. In terms of accommodation he'd be sharing a room with his DB, so that will be negligible. Otherwise, it will be food, drink and excursions, which will be paid for either nearer to departure or during the trip.

Well yes, me too! But only if he wants to come. And will he actually prefer to go away with friends/his gf and/or get a job? When I was his age I'd have rather stuck pins in my eyes than gone on holiday with my DPs!

This exactly. My 23 year old still comes... but knows behaviour is expected...

My daughter came on holiday with me (just the 2 of us) all through Uni and we went away last year after her postgrad. This year I am taking her and her partner - I have been away on my own as well, but intend to go on holiday with her every year until she says she doesn't want to anymore
That said, she has never had a lousy attitude and is grateful for me taking her. On occasions we don't want to do the same thing we split up for the day and do different activities and meet for dinner

This is our first year on a full holiday (I’m
excluding city breaks or weekends away as a couple!) without DS21 and that’s only because he is going away with his gf instead. We would absolutely invited him if he didn’t have another option to go away. TBH I don’t think we would ever have cut him off the decision is/was always his

We always had family holidays - that’s me and the kids - and still do now that they’re 34 (x2) and 31. In fact just back from an overlapping holiday with DD2 and her partner.
They all do their own thing too but we also have a long weekend every year just us.. have done Rome, Milan, Stonehenge, ABBA weekend and many more.

But this is very different from your OP where you’re talking about not even giving him the option!!. 🤔

that is generous!

New Year is a hard time for teens. Everyone has FOMO if they aren't at the most out of control party ever.

It's always a let-down and you always feel everyone else is having an incredible time, you just were in the wrong spot.

I think it's quite hard to judge him by putting much weight on that one.

I'd sit him down and explain that if he wants to come he needs to commit to NOT being a PITA. Perhaps spell out what is expected on the behaviour front.
Both our DSs have been coming on family holidays (as well as taking their own breaks with friends/girlfriends) and they're now 24/27 and will still happily come on an 'interesting' trip, and their partners come too. DS2 can be a bit lazy and needs to be reminded to muck in at e.g. self-catering places, but generally it is lovely to spend time with them!