Niece screamed at me for turning over in bed.

[jeregretterien77]

Hi
So I have just returned from a ski holiday with my adult niece. When I booked originally, my 19 year old son was meant to be going, but his job would not let him take time off over Christmas (retail). My niece had expressed that she would really like to try skiing, so I asked her if she wanted to come along. It was a really good deal for skiing as French (hostel type) food included, so I paid an extra 25% and she paid around £500 plus her own flights. This included ski lessons, equipment, transfer from airport, ski pass and food and accommodation.

Now I have struggled with menopausal anxiety and I am claustrophobic which has got worse with menopause, but I was upfront about this. Flying makes me anxious now and confined spaces. On way to airport I mentioned I was anxious, but said I'd be fine. Got on flight was fine. Niece was sat elsewhere as I said she could relax in case I felt anxious. I was abso fine in the end and just spoke to her and offered her a sandwich all good.

Got to accommodation, food good. Had a drink went to bed. Woke up as very hot in room about 4 and eventually opened window then bit of tossing and turning around (we shared a room twin beds) went back to sleep. Niece said I moved around a bit. I offered her new pack of ear buds for next night she refused.

All good, but ski resort was much busier than usual due to not a lot of snow and people heading to where we were, therefore buses and gondola all busy, so not great for me. We had ski lesson and I stayed in her beginner lesson to give her support, then did little bit of skiing just past basic myself.

On gondola I asked staff if I could go just with my niece due to claustrophobia, but he said was too busy, we then got on with 2 others and I felt anxious, so just talking to French lady next to me saying I was claustrophobic just in case she thought I was acting weird. The gondola then stopped midway and I panicked a little and tried to change seats. The French lady was lovely and spoke to me and a young English guy which made me feel much better. I held my niece's hand and she just looked pissed off. Absolutely packed bus on way back so I got off and told her I would meet her back at centre. Eventually had to get on packed bus and coped ok. Then had meal, chatted to other people and joined evening entertainment she said she enjoyed it. Went to bed, middle of night she complains that I am moving around (bear in mind when we have been on holiday before she has slept in same BED as her mother who snores like a buffalo) and there is no way that I could have been making anywhere near the noise that she does. My niece, I was aware was also moving around a lot, so I just thought well that's sharing rooms. She went to lesson next morning and we met up for lunch had nice time, spoke to lots of friendly, adventurous people, she said to each one that she hated skiing.

That evening I suggested we explore town, go out for drink to lovely little chalet bar had a lovely chat, she complimented me on my French. We talked about her learning Spanish etc all good. Went back for food, joined quiz with other people, mostly families, but girl her age, she spoke with. Music quiz which for some reason I had a lot of answers for. She suddenly decides she's leaving to go to the room after half an hour. No problem, I stay and chat and quiz with people we are with. Went to room, we laughed and joked for about an hour about her ski lesson and she said the instructor had had to keep rescuing her and I joked they were in a love/hate relationship and we both laughed for a good while continuing this story. Around 10 minutes after this, we settled to go to sleep and she suddenly got up and screamed at me that I'd been keeping her awake for 2 nights and she'd had enough of it and how dare I do that. I was so shocked I just froze in bed and didn't say anything. She then went out slammed the door and went downstairs. 10 minutes later she came back and I ignored her and said that she should put on white noise or use ear buds she then shouted at me again and I said that it was unreasonable as other people are trying to sleep and I didn't understand why she was shouting at me. She then said she was leaving the next day. Which she did and I stayed and made friends and had a good time for the rest of the week.

So If you've stuck with this well done! Was I being unreasonable? Any idea where this came from because I was completely blindsided.

I think the niece was embarrassed to discover that she wasn’t a natural skier and so stopped enjoying the lessons and was looking for an excuse to leave. 🤷🏻‍♀️

"The end of the relationship"

?!?!

Seriously?

After all you've just said about how you have both been in each others lives in a fairly important way, and now this tiny outburst is causing you to dissolve the relationship?!

You're not acting like a grown woman here.

This one tiny incident should be an insignificant event in your relationship. Maybe something to chat through, but in all honesty I'd just forget and move on. Not mention again.

You saying things like we are not noticing the fact that she can sleep through her mothers snoring etc .... that is YOUR perception, not hers. Perhaps her mother's snoring is familiar and comforting to her?!

Do not let this ruin your relationship, but do get a grip and some more help / perspective.

I don't blame your niece one bit for leaving, being in your company for any length of time would wear me out.

It sounds more like an accumulation of things going wrong, rather than either of you being awful humans.

Her being crap at skiing, which can be miserable, exhausting and frustrating.
Your issues , which even if she knew about, are very different when witnessing them in person. Again , possibly scary, frustrating, even embarrassing.

That’s a lot of feelings even without adding in the sleep deprivation which will make everything 100 times worse.

I wonder if she went early to be able to wind down and maybe even fall asleep before you start your faffing, which obviously went out the (open?)window. Then it finally hit her “ffs another sleepless night ahead!” and it all just spilled over.

The shouting was not ok, but she was perfectly entitled to cut the holiday short if it was not working for her.

shouting and screaming isn’t a mature way to deal with the problem, so that can’t be excused. However it sounds like she had reached the end of her tether with the whole trip.

Learning to ski can be extremely tiring, stressful and anxiety inducing. If on top of that she’s having to deal with the impact of your anxiety, then disrupted sleep on top of that, it’s a recipe for losing the plot!

You post is a massive info-dump from your perspective and very little about your niece or attempting to consider her perspective. If that’s indicative of your general approach and behaviour then it’s really not surprising she acted as she did.

I’m afraid your update just confirms your total inability to consider anybody's needs but your own.

The cost of what she was getting may have been a bargain (you seem to imply) but £500 plus flights is not a cheap holiday for a young person, especially if you have to share a room with your anxious aunt! She was very rude to shout at you and leave, but it sounds like she had just had enough.

You would end your relationship with your niece over one bad holiday?!

you are an awful person. I’m actually shocked at that.

Well just to focus on the shouting, I think that was really bad of your niece and that it was a shame she flounced off. These are my basic take-aways:

1. don't share hotel rooms with other people
2. don't go to places that are absolutely going to trigger you
3. don't make your anxiety everyone else's problem

Not to drip feed, but I used to look after my niece a lot when she was younger, have her at my house for weekends - she could play with my daughter whilst her mum worked and I'm afraid to say her mother was at times borderline neglectful so I had to step in many times.I have travelled with my niece before and brought her on holiday when she was younger (without incident). Either way, it won't be happening again and I'm afraid that's probably the end of the relationship.

Something about this is really rubbing me up the wrong way, OP. We don't look after the children in our family to get points for when they're adults. It was good of you to look after her but it doesn't mean she has to be your anxiety manager on holiday 20 years later. And it also seems pretty cold, if you supposedly care so much, to want to end the relationship completely because she lost it on holiday while you were undeniably being very difficult.

Im not clear what provoked the sudden shouting? What were you doing in the 10 minutes after you went to bed that generated this reaction?

Christ you sound like hard work. No wonder your poor niece was fed up by the end of it.

And I'm someone who also suffers with anxiety (OCD and GAD).

Your update does not sound very insightful into your own behaviour @changezmonnom why on earth would you go skiing at new year which is traditionally an extremely busy time of year if you struggle with crowds - to the extent 4 people in a gondola sets you off?! I confess I am team niece - you sound extremely performative.

Would it be the end of the relationship if it had been your son getting angry at you on this holiday? Unless you have fallen out badly with your niece before that seems quite an extreme reaction from you?

OP you really can’t invite people on holiday and expect them to act as a buffer for your anxiety. Just choose places and activities that don’t trigger it.

You wanted to hold her hand? That would make me extremely uncomfortable. The idea of ski-ing is great, unless you hate it (like me) like your niece. She sounds frustrated and pissed off, told everyone she hates it then has you constantly telling her you’re anxious. She’s not your mum!

I bet she spent a fortune prepping for this trip, the clothes can be crazy, although I saw ski stuff in Lidl this week. I can imagine she’s absolutely sleep deprived (fuming that I regularly have to swap rooms due to snoring dh). Separate rooms in future for any trips.

Another post where someone is “screaming” and the other person “freezes”. FFS. So dramatic.

Why the hell would you go to a ski resort at what is obviously going to be a very busy period if you’ve got all these fucking self indulgent issues going on.

The way you’ve written your post with pointless finite details shows that you’re probably quite full on, and that, in addition to making sleep very hard for someone else might be enough to send many over the edge. You also seem in denial about how you might effect other people, it’s all about you.

she might have been rude, but so are you.

You're an awful person if you end the relationship with your niece over this, after all most of it was caused by you.

Someone snoring is different to someone moving around, tossing and turning, and opening windows. Did you consider she might have been cold at night, which wouldn’t have helped her sleep?

And you make it sound that because you looked after her as a child she should do the same for you now. That’s not how it works.

You say in your first post “10 minutes later she came back and I ignored her and said that she should put on white noise or use ear buds.” How is mentioning white noise ignoring her? You are incapable of leaving anyone be, aren’t you?

@changezmonnom

I used to look after my niece a lot when she was younger, have her at my house for weekends - she could play with my daughter whilst her mum worked and I'm afraid to say her mother was at times borderline neglectful so I had to step in many times.

I have travelled with my niece before and brought her on holiday when she was younger (without incident). Either way, it won't be happening again and I'm afraid that's probably the end of the relationship.

All that history, all that shared experience, all those bonds - and you'll end the relationship because of one sleep-deprived strop?

I think you sound very difficult and exhausting. She should apologise for losing her temper, but you need to apologise too and to look at the effect your behaviour has on others.

To answer further questions - there is nothing performative about my claustrophobia, I would love not to have it and actually in the end the holiday helped a little in dealing with situations which I am determined to try to address - If I don't try, it will never happen. I am prepared to accept obviously that she found this difficult, but I have never expected her to take on a carer role obviously and deliberately encouraged her to go ahead with whatever she wanted. We also did spend a lot of time together. I have always been a great supporter of her, she phoned me for advice not long before in floods of tears when she was struggling with her PGCE and I was able to advise her. Spoken to her for hours around issues that she has had and always been a cheerleader for her life (as she has a difficult relationship with her mum). I wanted her to enjoy a new experience, but I am also human with flaws. The reason the relationship has come to an end is she said not to contact her again and actually I was happy to agree as I feel for many years I have been her champion and she screamed and swore at me for moving around in the bed which incidentally she did too.

Soooo right, I went skiing for a week at 14 (school trip), I have never been fond of heights, I never quite clicked with the technique either and I struggled getting off the gondolas when the lessons progressed to the harder runs. Come day 4 I was arsing about in the resort lounge. Haven't stepped foot on a ski field since😂

Has your niece got back in touch yet? I’d leave it and see what she comes up with, if she bothers at all. It sounds like a very mis matched holiday, but at 28 she should either deal with it and find alternative accommodation or just politely make something up and leave.

Not sure why you thought sharing a bedroom with anyone would work?