Niece screamed at me for turning over in bed.

[jeregretterien77]

Hi
So I have just returned from a ski holiday with my adult niece. When I booked originally, my 19 year old son was meant to be going, but his job would not let him take time off over Christmas (retail). My niece had expressed that she would really like to try skiing, so I asked her if she wanted to come along. It was a really good deal for skiing as French (hostel type) food included, so I paid an extra 25% and she paid around £500 plus her own flights. This included ski lessons, equipment, transfer from airport, ski pass and food and accommodation.

Now I have struggled with menopausal anxiety and I am claustrophobic which has got worse with menopause, but I was upfront about this. Flying makes me anxious now and confined spaces. On way to airport I mentioned I was anxious, but said I'd be fine. Got on flight was fine. Niece was sat elsewhere as I said she could relax in case I felt anxious. I was abso fine in the end and just spoke to her and offered her a sandwich all good.

Got to accommodation, food good. Had a drink went to bed. Woke up as very hot in room about 4 and eventually opened window then bit of tossing and turning around (we shared a room twin beds) went back to sleep. Niece said I moved around a bit. I offered her new pack of ear buds for next night she refused.

All good, but ski resort was much busier than usual due to not a lot of snow and people heading to where we were, therefore buses and gondola all busy, so not great for me. We had ski lesson and I stayed in her beginner lesson to give her support, then did little bit of skiing just past basic myself.

On gondola I asked staff if I could go just with my niece due to claustrophobia, but he said was too busy, we then got on with 2 others and I felt anxious, so just talking to French lady next to me saying I was claustrophobic just in case she thought I was acting weird. The gondola then stopped midway and I panicked a little and tried to change seats. The French lady was lovely and spoke to me and a young English guy which made me feel much better. I held my niece's hand and she just looked pissed off. Absolutely packed bus on way back so I got off and told her I would meet her back at centre. Eventually had to get on packed bus and coped ok. Then had meal, chatted to other people and joined evening entertainment she said she enjoyed it. Went to bed, middle of night she complains that I am moving around (bear in mind when we have been on holiday before she has slept in same BED as her mother who snores like a buffalo) and there is no way that I could have been making anywhere near the noise that she does. My niece, I was aware was also moving around a lot, so I just thought well that's sharing rooms. She went to lesson next morning and we met up for lunch had nice time, spoke to lots of friendly, adventurous people, she said to each one that she hated skiing.

That evening I suggested we explore town, go out for drink to lovely little chalet bar had a lovely chat, she complimented me on my French. We talked about her learning Spanish etc all good. Went back for food, joined quiz with other people, mostly families, but girl her age, she spoke with. Music quiz which for some reason I had a lot of answers for. She suddenly decides she's leaving to go to the room after half an hour. No problem, I stay and chat and quiz with people we are with. Went to room, we laughed and joked for about an hour about her ski lesson and she said the instructor had had to keep rescuing her and I joked they were in a love/hate relationship and we both laughed for a good while continuing this story. Around 10 minutes after this, we settled to go to sleep and she suddenly got up and screamed at me that I'd been keeping her awake for 2 nights and she'd had enough of it and how dare I do that. I was so shocked I just froze in bed and didn't say anything. She then went out slammed the door and went downstairs. 10 minutes later she came back and I ignored her and said that she should put on white noise or use ear buds she then shouted at me again and I said that it was unreasonable as other people are trying to sleep and I didn't understand why she was shouting at me. She then said she was leaving the next day. Which she did and I stayed and made friends and had a good time for the rest of the week.

So If you've stuck with this well done! Was I being unreasonable? Any idea where this came from because I was completely blindsided.

Ok to answer some questions. Yes I have sought help, I'm on HRT, Anti anxiety meds and having therapy. My niece is 28 not 19. I did not constantly harp on about my worries and she was fully aware beforehand that I was claustrophobic. There was no choice to have individual rooms otherwise I would have and people have failed to notice that she has slept with her mother who snores which you can hear thru rooms and I don't.

Thank you for the supportive comments. I've been on a ski resort at this time before and it was not as busy or anxiety inducing. I did manage to get up on the gondola afterwards and get on a crowded bus without panicking so I did try and address my fears and then I was stuck on the plane (runway) for 2 hours which again is not great but managed it without event. So for all those people who have no idea how difficult phobias are - I think it's very harsh when people try their best to overcome them.

Not to drip feed, but I used to look after my niece a lot when she was younger, have her at my house for weekends - she could play with my daughter whilst her mum worked and I'm afraid to say her mother was at times borderline neglectful so I had to step in many times.

I have travelled with my niece before and brought her on holiday when she was younger (without incident). Either way, it won't be happening again and I'm afraid that's probably the end of the relationship.

Edited as cross posted with your more recent update

Not always true. I'm late 50s and have shared a room (and sometimes a bed) with my dd who is in her early 20s.

We both sleep well.

I am a bit confused how you managed to do the quiz without any anxiety -presumably because you were good at it, and you say when your niece left you were absolutely fine and made friends. Why were you fine when your niece left but not prior to that? anxiety doesn't switch on and off like that.

This all sounds very attention seeking and narcissistic I'm afraid.

Sorry but I would have been inwardly furious too. I wouldn't have shouted though.
Ive put up with my mothers anxiety and roaming around at night for 60 years and there have been times when it has driven me stark staring mad because of the lack of sleep. I need a good 8 hours.
The most annoying part of it is that she has never sought any help for it and the family have to put up with the anxiety and her going on and on about it.
For goodness sake get some help. You are even involving strangers now.

I have phobias and anxieties and i still stand by what i said.
The very fact thst you think anyone who said you were wrong doesnt suffer with these issues, shows how self absorbed bout it you are.
If you dont want it to be the end of your relationship then apologise to her for being hard going on hols and maybe she will apologise for being short with you over it.

This I’m afraid

plus “flapping around like a fish” per another poster.

you clearly think she’s in the wrong but please don’t downplay the mental exhaustion of having to manage someone who can’t cope with even low key interactions. This wasn’t the holiday for you.

Well I wouldn’t have screamed at you out loud but I certainly would have been in my head. Needing to tell every person you cross paths with about your fears must have driven her up the wall (I can empathise with you though as I also fear lots of things, including flying and skiing lol).

She sounds like she was really tired which is why she left after half an hour of the quiz to catch up. Then she got woken up again. That on top of all your anxiety driven behaviour I may have cracked as well. Apologies all round probably called for.

I have been on ski trips where for one reason or another I could not get a good nights sleep and that, add on any altitude effects (it can make a difference) and nerves will fray.

Your post makes me feel stressed and I wasn't even there - I can't imagine how your niece must have felt with all this hassle and talk of menopause and claustrophobia and anxiety.

Your niece didn't behave brilliantly but she's young and probably has absolutely no experience in handling a grown adult stressing and flapping about in the way you were. Don't go on holiday with her again and use this as a springboard to getting yourself some help so you don't live like this any longer.

So from your second response, I assume you have no acknowledgment of how bloody irritating you were being OP? No ability to see things from another point of view at all?

The fact that you can’t stop feelings of anxiety doesn’t make them any easier for other people to be around!

😂

You are vastly underestimating the effects your problems have on people just like my mother does.

Another menopausal woman here who does get a little bit anxious about things, so I’m not sure why you went on a holiday when you knew you would be put in a lot of situations that would
make you anxious and claustrophobic.

You sound hard work to go away with tbh

Naturally what I wrote won’t apply to all women over 50 (just to spell it out for those who can’t see a light-hearted post for what it is 🥱).

It sounds like she expected to go on a nice holiday not be your carer and support and this frustration got to her in the end. This probably wasn’t the best holiday for you given when you’re going though at the moment.

Ski in ski out acommodation means you don’t have to do buses. I have some sympathy as I’ve only once skied in a place that needed buses and they’re a right pain in the bum. We had two eight year olds with us at the time as well and fighting to get on/get them seats and carrying all the gear was not pleasant.

avoiding gondolas is a bit of a different story as most ski areas have them but if you go to a big ski area eg portes du soleil and plan routes carefully they can be avoided.

sheer volume of people can be hard to predict - Feb half term is always going to be busy but Xmas depends on snowfall so is less predictable.

Sorry to read the update that this may be the end of the relationship. Is that why you what though?

I think it would be helpful to let things settle and then maybe move on? It was an intense period and after some space may ease. It will be a shame to lose someone you’ve looked after.

Just to note that having someone snoring is quite different to someone moving around a lot. I’m noise sensitive and different noises affect me differently. She may be used to the snoring but not the moving around

I think you did well to try the trip with your phobias and anxiety etc. but it does sound exhausting.

is there another holiday you could try that’s less anxiety inducing? I expect your body was in fight/flight the whole time which maybe niece was observing and that impacted her too. She maybe felt responsible

Which she did and I stayed and made friends and had a good time for the rest of the week.

OP, you have so many stories of your anxiety and struggles with buses and gondolas etc while she was there, but once she was gone it was apparently all very straightforward and you made friends easily and all was well.

She might have been a cause of your anxiety (seems unlikely since you knew about it in advance and did things like hold her hand). But I'm wondering if there's a performative element to it. Not necessarily conscious or intentional (or malicious) but sometimes the motivation is to be somehow looked after, and it vanishes once the person who might provide that isn't there.

Regardless of who is paying, or anything that happened in the daytime, being kept awake at night is horrible, particularly when you are knackered after ski-ing. I'm also prone to insomnia from time to time and have reacted badly in the night when I've finally got off to sleep then been woken. I would be booking myself into another room.

Your update doesn’t sound like you are reflecting on your part of the disastrous trip at all, you still think this is on her and that’s the end of the relationship.

I say this as someone who’s suffered hugely with anxiety (and claustrophobia, along with OCD) for many years. I know how awful it is, but I’m also aware how my anxiety can be stressful for people close to me to have to deal with.

Oh dear. Do not go on holiday with her again. If it was just the sleeping arrangement then she could have enquired about a separate room. I’ve a feeling it was the whole experience with your issues. I think she was embarrassed with your episodes and upset at having been left alone often. The sleeplessness was the icing on the cake. But she was rude about it. Shouting wasn’t necessary at all, she needed to have a chat with you.

Is it possible to discuss hrt with your doctor? Or to ride it out but forget the holidays? It sounds like you’re forcing yourself to do something your body doesn’t want to do. I’m peri menopausal and I now hate holidays and travelling far, it fills me with anxiety. I’m considering hrt as I’d love to get back to my normal self. But I’m worried about the cancer link.

It seems that you’re listing all the ‘good’ things you do to offset the annoying things you do. And it seems quite manipulative. She was probably just fed up

You were difficult but, I suspect she had a better/other invitation from somewhere to announce she was up and off just like that from a ski resort. You being irritating gave her thr excuse to escape and go to whoever it was that she really wanted to be with.

i think it is quite different sleeping in a room with someone you don't usually share with, whether you've shared with a snorer or not. It's harder to relax in the first place.
Perhaps it's not just about sleeping but also about skiing - she didn't like it and found it harder than she thought, but also she was mostly on her own in the beginner group and perhaps found it lonely or boring. Also, she probably felt uncomfortable dealing with your anxieties when she isn't used to it.
She was extreme in her reaction though, at 28 she should have handled it better.