Niece screamed at me for turning over in bed.

[jeregretterien77]

Hi
So I have just returned from a ski holiday with my adult niece. When I booked originally, my 19 year old son was meant to be going, but his job would not let him take time off over Christmas (retail). My niece had expressed that she would really like to try skiing, so I asked her if she wanted to come along. It was a really good deal for skiing as French (hostel type) food included, so I paid an extra 25% and she paid around £500 plus her own flights. This included ski lessons, equipment, transfer from airport, ski pass and food and accommodation.

Now I have struggled with menopausal anxiety and I am claustrophobic which has got worse with menopause, but I was upfront about this. Flying makes me anxious now and confined spaces. On way to airport I mentioned I was anxious, but said I'd be fine. Got on flight was fine. Niece was sat elsewhere as I said she could relax in case I felt anxious. I was abso fine in the end and just spoke to her and offered her a sandwich all good.

Got to accommodation, food good. Had a drink went to bed. Woke up as very hot in room about 4 and eventually opened window then bit of tossing and turning around (we shared a room twin beds) went back to sleep. Niece said I moved around a bit. I offered her new pack of ear buds for next night she refused.

All good, but ski resort was much busier than usual due to not a lot of snow and people heading to where we were, therefore buses and gondola all busy, so not great for me. We had ski lesson and I stayed in her beginner lesson to give her support, then did little bit of skiing just past basic myself.

On gondola I asked staff if I could go just with my niece due to claustrophobia, but he said was too busy, we then got on with 2 others and I felt anxious, so just talking to French lady next to me saying I was claustrophobic just in case she thought I was acting weird. The gondola then stopped midway and I panicked a little and tried to change seats. The French lady was lovely and spoke to me and a young English guy which made me feel much better. I held my niece's hand and she just looked pissed off. Absolutely packed bus on way back so I got off and told her I would meet her back at centre. Eventually had to get on packed bus and coped ok. Then had meal, chatted to other people and joined evening entertainment she said she enjoyed it. Went to bed, middle of night she complains that I am moving around (bear in mind when we have been on holiday before she has slept in same BED as her mother who snores like a buffalo) and there is no way that I could have been making anywhere near the noise that she does. My niece, I was aware was also moving around a lot, so I just thought well that's sharing rooms. She went to lesson next morning and we met up for lunch had nice time, spoke to lots of friendly, adventurous people, she said to each one that she hated skiing.

That evening I suggested we explore town, go out for drink to lovely little chalet bar had a lovely chat, she complimented me on my French. We talked about her learning Spanish etc all good. Went back for food, joined quiz with other people, mostly families, but girl her age, she spoke with. Music quiz which for some reason I had a lot of answers for. She suddenly decides she's leaving to go to the room after half an hour. No problem, I stay and chat and quiz with people we are with. Went to room, we laughed and joked for about an hour about her ski lesson and she said the instructor had had to keep rescuing her and I joked they were in a love/hate relationship and we both laughed for a good while continuing this story. Around 10 minutes after this, we settled to go to sleep and she suddenly got up and screamed at me that I'd been keeping her awake for 2 nights and she'd had enough of it and how dare I do that. I was so shocked I just froze in bed and didn't say anything. She then went out slammed the door and went downstairs. 10 minutes later she came back and I ignored her and said that she should put on white noise or use ear buds she then shouted at me again and I said that it was unreasonable as other people are trying to sleep and I didn't understand why she was shouting at me. She then said she was leaving the next day. Which she did and I stayed and made friends and had a good time for the rest of the week.

So If you've stuck with this well done! Was I being unreasonable? Any idea where this came from because I was completely blindsided.

People ofter react to what they THINK did happen as they insert their own imagination and their own life experiences into OPs story, rather then to what happened or what OP said had happen.
People are often not aware how much we tend to look through the lense of our own life experience.

In this instance we dont actually know what exactly was going on as we werent there for the three days. We dont know in what manner and to what extent the OP was talking about her anxiety. Yet majority of this thread seem to assume she talked about in annoyingly nonstop kind of thing. And seem to ignore the unacceptable behaviour of the 28 year old grown-up niece.

OP this thread isn’t helping you. You had a stressful holiday and you and your niece fell out.

you were annoying and a bit needy. She was moody and a bit intolerant. She blew up and striped off home.

Thats really all there is to it. It will blow over. Strangers insulting you on the internet won’t change what happened - but it might be damaging to your self esteem and seems to be making you double down and overthink what happened.

go out in that snowy weather and get some air and leave this thread to die.

I was expecting a defensive response. Like I said - lacking self reflection. If her childhood was rubbish, even more reason to be understanding and be the senior adult and reach out to move on. She won’t have the tools to be in that situation and act calmly. Who wants to go into the new year a niece down. Reach out. You expect understanding for your issues, rightly, so have more understanding for hers. She may love to have lots of therapy and help but a teacher at 28 doesn’t have the funds.

I understand OP as I am peri-menopausal myself and it hit me like a ton of bricks. I have not been myself and found it difficult to cope. However, I do think your niece may have other worries going on and this was just a final straw. Chuck in all the other elements of skiing frustration and lack of sleep, it just all got too much. She probably said not to contact her again in the heat of the moment. I would still try to call her now that you are home and if she is still of that choice, then leave it. Life is too short - as hard as it is, reach out and check she is ok.

I’m an axe murderer. This is me. People need to be more mindful and accepting…

I feel differently about this than I did earlier. I am starting to wonder if OP’s challenges make her vulnerable to the treatment meted out by the DN. No matter what triggered it, it is never ok to shout at someone like that. It suggests that DN has her own challenges - which isn’t that surprising given her mother and auntie’s vulnerabilities.

Just read OP's posts.

I think you are too quick to write off a 28 year relationship instead of letting the dust settle and making up.

You were difficult and sleep deprivation is awful, but she over reacted. Tossing and turning maybe can't be helped, but getting up and opening a window would have given me the rage. Did you be as quiet as a mouse and let her sleep in when you got up to make up for it?

You also mention her going downstairs. Were there rooms downstairs? If there were it would have been polite for you to have taken yourself off downstairs if you couldn't sleep even if it meant sleeping in a chair or on the sofa. In the nieces shoes I would have done this if you didn't.

There's no comparison between her mum snoring or your son being okay, over the years both will have adapted and become use to their own parents habits and sleep through them. Just like when a noise wakes you in the night and your brain bases whether or not it lets you go back to sleep on whether it's familiar or unfamiliar.

I think the fear of being screamed and sworn at this instance is bigger than any relationship. May not be understandable for some people but will be for others, especially those with history of living in abusive households.

I have experience with shouting, screaming, blaming, belittleing behaviour with various family members and can totally relate to this.

Op - what sort of support were you hoping for on this thread.?

I think a good therapist might get you to walk through the events and consider how the other people might have been impacted and put the whole thing in perspective.
To me that's valuable support.

Did you do anything differently once your niece had left? How did you handle the gondolas and busy buses? What did you do to make the experience of those easier on you?

People who are deeply embarrassed and like to keep a low profile don't announce their issues to random strangers at every opportunity and cling performatively to someone's hand. HTH, as you like to say.

@HoLeeFuk Again you have no idea - hth😀

I'm saddenned by the responses on here OP and the lack of empathy.

I can relate to your anxiety and claustrophobia struggles. Mine also developed during perimenopause.

The irony of posters urging you to 'get help' is that you bravely exposing yourself to your fears and developing strategies to cope is exactly what anxiety therapy recommends.

If society was generally more supportive and empathetic about anxiety, it would help to diminish it. The stigma and shame of phobia and anxiety worsens it.

I do wish you well.

I have a very good idea. So does your niece. If you don't want to lose more people, try to reflect on your own behaviour and realise you aren't the main character in everybody's world.

Hi @changezmonnom I just wanted to say well done for how you are handling your anxieties - you are literally doing your own graded exposure which is fantastic!
I obviously don’t know your niece, but I wonder if her behaviour is more about where she is at in life/what’s going on for her right now and you unfortunately (and wrongly) were the brunt of this. I also wonder if, give her own mum has been neglectful at times, she sees you as her ‘secure base’, the one she can scream out because she can’t trust that if she did this to her mum (and maybe let out some anger at her that she needs to) that her mum would still be there for her?
I wonder if she now deeply regrets her actions but doesn’t feel able to apologise to you?
Anyway, I’m glad you enjoyed the rest of the trip and well done again for pushing yourself out of your comfort zone.

If the DN was my daughter I'd have been unhappy at her screaming at her aunt but mainly sad that her first ski experience was so disappointing and that her aunt showed such poor emotional intelligence. This is probably why we all should be very wary of holidaying with anyone outside our normal household

They might if they think it would be less embarrassing than hyperventilating, being sick, bursting into tears, fainting, or any of the other nasty tricks the overlly anxious body can play. Which unfortunately attract a great deal more attention and make other people a lot more uncomfortable and concerned than mentioning you feel anxious and holding someone's hand.

That could be an explanation. I think the OP's posts make her motivations quite clear.

@theedgeofthecloud and @AlleycatMarie Thank you both for your posts - very insightful and understanding.

@5128gap Thank you for your post - exactly that although @HoLeeFuk still doesn't believe it.

@changezmonnom Hey OP, can I pls kindly suggest that you get this thread deleted as it is not helpful & is giving certain individuals the permission to just pile in.

Also life is too short so pls reach out to your niece. You are the adult with a lot more life experience than her at the moment so just tell her you are there for whenever she is ready to talk. The ball is then firmly in her court. I think you may find out in due course what has been troubling her!

Personally I think you are doing a great job in managing your anxiety. Keep working on those strategies in 2026 & completely ignore the negative responses you have received as some are simply projecting. X

@LivingwithHopenowandforever Thank you - I did ask MNHQ quite a while ago to delete it for exactly that reason, but they are not responding, but I appreciate your comments.

Just stop reading and responding. It would be a great way to prove that you take responsibility for your emotions and you aren't enjoying the attention.

Other person getting up and opening a window would give a rage?

Its a perfectly normal thing to do if its too hot and you cant sleep because of it.

This thread is ridiculous at places as PPs are just taking anything from what OP did and turning it into unreasonable actions.

This thread has enough comments already but I wanted to commend you and say I think you have been brave to go on the vacation and not let your anxiety limit you. Instead of letting anxiety completely paralyse you in different situations you manage to do things and enjoy things, just on a slightly different time frame.You managed to go on the bus and you managed to ride the gondola - good job.

It seems it was too much to handle for your niece, and yes, maybe you could have anticipated that in advance but now you both know for next time. You both made efforts to make it work.

In my experience people who don’t enjoy skiing need a buddy who also doesn’t ski and who can show them other things to enjoy, like having a beer or hot chocolate all day long in a slope restaurant, tanning their faces, chatting, reading books, do people watching or after ski events.

Don’t let this get you down, keep on being mature and in a few days reach out to check your nice is okay.

@OogieBoogiO thank you so much for your lovely comments 👊