Niece screamed at me for turning over in bed.

[jeregretterien77]

Hi
So I have just returned from a ski holiday with my adult niece. When I booked originally, my 19 year old son was meant to be going, but his job would not let him take time off over Christmas (retail). My niece had expressed that she would really like to try skiing, so I asked her if she wanted to come along. It was a really good deal for skiing as French (hostel type) food included, so I paid an extra 25% and she paid around £500 plus her own flights. This included ski lessons, equipment, transfer from airport, ski pass and food and accommodation.

Now I have struggled with menopausal anxiety and I am claustrophobic which has got worse with menopause, but I was upfront about this. Flying makes me anxious now and confined spaces. On way to airport I mentioned I was anxious, but said I'd be fine. Got on flight was fine. Niece was sat elsewhere as I said she could relax in case I felt anxious. I was abso fine in the end and just spoke to her and offered her a sandwich all good.

Got to accommodation, food good. Had a drink went to bed. Woke up as very hot in room about 4 and eventually opened window then bit of tossing and turning around (we shared a room twin beds) went back to sleep. Niece said I moved around a bit. I offered her new pack of ear buds for next night she refused.

All good, but ski resort was much busier than usual due to not a lot of snow and people heading to where we were, therefore buses and gondola all busy, so not great for me. We had ski lesson and I stayed in her beginner lesson to give her support, then did little bit of skiing just past basic myself.

On gondola I asked staff if I could go just with my niece due to claustrophobia, but he said was too busy, we then got on with 2 others and I felt anxious, so just talking to French lady next to me saying I was claustrophobic just in case she thought I was acting weird. The gondola then stopped midway and I panicked a little and tried to change seats. The French lady was lovely and spoke to me and a young English guy which made me feel much better. I held my niece's hand and she just looked pissed off. Absolutely packed bus on way back so I got off and told her I would meet her back at centre. Eventually had to get on packed bus and coped ok. Then had meal, chatted to other people and joined evening entertainment she said she enjoyed it. Went to bed, middle of night she complains that I am moving around (bear in mind when we have been on holiday before she has slept in same BED as her mother who snores like a buffalo) and there is no way that I could have been making anywhere near the noise that she does. My niece, I was aware was also moving around a lot, so I just thought well that's sharing rooms. She went to lesson next morning and we met up for lunch had nice time, spoke to lots of friendly, adventurous people, she said to each one that she hated skiing.

That evening I suggested we explore town, go out for drink to lovely little chalet bar had a lovely chat, she complimented me on my French. We talked about her learning Spanish etc all good. Went back for food, joined quiz with other people, mostly families, but girl her age, she spoke with. Music quiz which for some reason I had a lot of answers for. She suddenly decides she's leaving to go to the room after half an hour. No problem, I stay and chat and quiz with people we are with. Went to room, we laughed and joked for about an hour about her ski lesson and she said the instructor had had to keep rescuing her and I joked they were in a love/hate relationship and we both laughed for a good while continuing this story. Around 10 minutes after this, we settled to go to sleep and she suddenly got up and screamed at me that I'd been keeping her awake for 2 nights and she'd had enough of it and how dare I do that. I was so shocked I just froze in bed and didn't say anything. She then went out slammed the door and went downstairs. 10 minutes later she came back and I ignored her and said that she should put on white noise or use ear buds she then shouted at me again and I said that it was unreasonable as other people are trying to sleep and I didn't understand why she was shouting at me. She then said she was leaving the next day. Which she did and I stayed and made friends and had a good time for the rest of the week.

So If you've stuck with this well done! Was I being unreasonable? Any idea where this came from because I was completely blindsided.

There was so much extraneous detail in your post making it hard to understand what the real issue was.

Are you getting any help or taking any measures to learn to manage it?

Im utterly gobsmacked by your lack of self awareness tbh
You sound completely and utterly draining and self absorbed

She reached the end of her tether

I'm wondering if your son really did 'have to work'.......

Sounds like he knew what would be in store for him if he went along, especially if you've been fretting about it for weeks.

I'm sorry - some of this thread is really harsh. I really tried to be measured in my post, as I knew this would hurt people with similar issues.

Anyway, not getting in the gondola in rhe first place may have been a better choice for op as she knew it would trigger her anxiety. But I also appreciate that you sometimes don't know until you're there

OP, with the amount of detail in your post, you surely do realise she didn't lose it over you just turning over in bed.

I am wondering this too 🤔

She’s 19 and you put a lot of responsibility on her to suppprt you and your anxiety, and witness you needing others to support your anxiety. It’s a lot. Plus no sleep on top of that, it’s no wonder she hit a limit.

I am not saying she was right to be rude, but honestly she was having to deal with a lot and she is very young. It feels as if you brought her along as your support system, rather than as two independent adults having a holiday together. Plus you seem to over share a lot.

*edited to acknowledge how many times I said “a lot”!

Op your niece was probably sleep deprived. While you can’t help your anxiety, it can’t be great for anyone who is with you. You should really think about medication before you fly or holiday with someone again. Please don’t blame your niece. An apology from you to her would be good.

You made at least 11 mentions of anxiety/menopause/panic/claustrophobia in this one post alone.

My mother didnt like heights that's fine. But she insisted we visit my siblings which involved going over the Dartford bridge. Cue her going on about it the whole drive up (through tunnel), through the whole visit to sibling, through the hour and a half to the bridge and then hiding under a coat when we finally went over. I'd only passed my test a little while beforehand and there had been snow on the journey too. I was terrified and her doing this was so selfish.

If you know you suffer with x,y,x ailment then the onus is on you to get appropriate help, attempt to mitigate the impact on others or accept it is something you are unable to do.

Whilst I sympathise with you OP having suffered from anxiety many years ago and like you not liking enclosed spaces, I do feel you were a little over the top. She was probably sleep deprived and took it out on you. I would look at getting help for your anxiety and look to putting coping mechanisms in place before travelling with anyone again.

Note to younger women reading: never share a room and definitely not a bed on holiday with a woman over 50. We are a total pain in the arse to be around between 11pm and 7am.

Note to menopausal women reading: always get a bed and room to yourself on holiday if you want to keep hold of your friendships. You’ll also sleep better as you can regulate the room temperature as often as necessary throughout the night.

Speaking from experience….

You sound like a nightmare. She sounds actively unpleasant. Probably best you don’t go on holiday together again.

Skiing is busy.

buses get very full. Planes to ski resorts are full.
the gondolas (lifts) often have queues resembling London Underground at rush hour.

there are quieter resorts to go to.

it does sound like this was a difficult holiday for you and I’m a bit surprised that you chose it knowing this.

i have been through peri anxiety and it’s a absolute bitch but I did try and stay away from the stuff that made me anxious.

sorry OP but it does sound like you were a bit much. I’m not sure why you had to tell the world about your anxiety. I’m wondering if going away is not the best option when your anxiety isn’t under control?

add in a teen ager as well - poor girl. I don’t think she should have screamed at you but I think she’d had enough. I’m not sure why you were “blindsided” - I think you knew that you were annoying her.

Someone fidgeting all night is really annoying - ear plugs won’t really help as it’s the movement as well as any noise.

I think it’s good she went home as great she could make the decision. It wasn’t right for her.

maybe don’t share rooms with people in future - then everyone can have a bit of peace and sleep. All well and good in hindsight!

I hope you can get some help for your anxiety - it sounds pretty awful and intense.

Something that struck me is that there’s been a lot of hullabaloo about various busy places, yet you happily sat in a presumably crowded place and joined in a quiz. The apparent inconsistency with what you can cope with might have been annoying.

I've have similar with a friend. Her needs have to be met at all times or everyone would hear about it. It's exhausting being around it for days none stop.

OP it doesnt sound as though your niece was equipped for your needs. It happens, you're just not compatible for holidays.

Might be worth seperate rooms for any future breaks though.

While I would like to say that DN was being unreasonable, getting a heavily subsidised holiday, it sounds like she was quite horribly sleep deprived at the point where she shouted at you.
I have a mother who makes sure that every one and their dog knows about her anxiety, dietary requirements and so on. She can't just get on with anything quietly. She refuses to seek professional help, and we all assume it's because she likes the attention. It is very exhausting to deal with and we all try to avoid her where possible.
Are you getting help for your anxiety?

I think this may also play a part. It's hard physical work, often in uncomfortable conditions. Having learned myself as a young adult, the things that made the first few trips bearable was being with my mates who could shepherd me a bit outside lessons and/or have a laugh together in the evenings. Combining frustrating lessons with a frustrating travel buddy might just be too much.

She did behave very rudely, but I think this is one to chalk up to experience and let it go.

It sounds like she was absolutely exhausted from having to manage your anxiety all day then have a lack of sleep from it during the night. I'd cut her some slack. The fact you stayed alone and made friends suggests you didn't need to be leaning on her so much.

Sleep deprivation is torturous. You sound exhausting. Not a compatible combination.

Your title is clearly a huge exaggeration !

I think you’re both to blame here. She was incredibly rude to shout at you but honestly the constant anxiety talk sounded absolutely exasperating, I was losing patience reading that!

You sound like a very annoying travel companion who needed a carer/paid travel companion rather than her paying her own way. Of course asking for special treatment on the gondola was wrong, so embarrassing, telling random people about it??? Honestly I would have walked off too, I’m your age ish and am fed up with women blaming poor and thoughtless behaviour on the menopause. I think I’m through (6 months since last period, you need to go a year to count) so I understand various symptoms but I read excuses for thoughtless behaviour and self obsession

I think it’s about finding the right support and recognising what to say and when.

OP will now know not to share a room in the future. So that’s one thing that will help and still allow her on trips.

the second maybe not to talk about it so much - it’s ok to mention things but not to everyone maybe like strangers in the lift.

then maybe avoiding busier places. You can still try skiing but maybe less busy resort? I don’t ski so I’m not sure but I saw other posters mention less busy places.

Then also looking at some medication, CBT or other strategies.

you don’t need to dismiss your symptoms or hide feelings- but OP can learn from this.