Niece screamed at me for turning over in bed.

[jeregretterien77]

Hi
So I have just returned from a ski holiday with my adult niece. When I booked originally, my 19 year old son was meant to be going, but his job would not let him take time off over Christmas (retail). My niece had expressed that she would really like to try skiing, so I asked her if she wanted to come along. It was a really good deal for skiing as French (hostel type) food included, so I paid an extra 25% and she paid around £500 plus her own flights. This included ski lessons, equipment, transfer from airport, ski pass and food and accommodation.

Now I have struggled with menopausal anxiety and I am claustrophobic which has got worse with menopause, but I was upfront about this. Flying makes me anxious now and confined spaces. On way to airport I mentioned I was anxious, but said I'd be fine. Got on flight was fine. Niece was sat elsewhere as I said she could relax in case I felt anxious. I was abso fine in the end and just spoke to her and offered her a sandwich all good.

Got to accommodation, food good. Had a drink went to bed. Woke up as very hot in room about 4 and eventually opened window then bit of tossing and turning around (we shared a room twin beds) went back to sleep. Niece said I moved around a bit. I offered her new pack of ear buds for next night she refused.

All good, but ski resort was much busier than usual due to not a lot of snow and people heading to where we were, therefore buses and gondola all busy, so not great for me. We had ski lesson and I stayed in her beginner lesson to give her support, then did little bit of skiing just past basic myself.

On gondola I asked staff if I could go just with my niece due to claustrophobia, but he said was too busy, we then got on with 2 others and I felt anxious, so just talking to French lady next to me saying I was claustrophobic just in case she thought I was acting weird. The gondola then stopped midway and I panicked a little and tried to change seats. The French lady was lovely and spoke to me and a young English guy which made me feel much better. I held my niece's hand and she just looked pissed off. Absolutely packed bus on way back so I got off and told her I would meet her back at centre. Eventually had to get on packed bus and coped ok. Then had meal, chatted to other people and joined evening entertainment she said she enjoyed it. Went to bed, middle of night she complains that I am moving around (bear in mind when we have been on holiday before she has slept in same BED as her mother who snores like a buffalo) and there is no way that I could have been making anywhere near the noise that she does. My niece, I was aware was also moving around a lot, so I just thought well that's sharing rooms. She went to lesson next morning and we met up for lunch had nice time, spoke to lots of friendly, adventurous people, she said to each one that she hated skiing.

That evening I suggested we explore town, go out for drink to lovely little chalet bar had a lovely chat, she complimented me on my French. We talked about her learning Spanish etc all good. Went back for food, joined quiz with other people, mostly families, but girl her age, she spoke with. Music quiz which for some reason I had a lot of answers for. She suddenly decides she's leaving to go to the room after half an hour. No problem, I stay and chat and quiz with people we are with. Went to room, we laughed and joked for about an hour about her ski lesson and she said the instructor had had to keep rescuing her and I joked they were in a love/hate relationship and we both laughed for a good while continuing this story. Around 10 minutes after this, we settled to go to sleep and she suddenly got up and screamed at me that I'd been keeping her awake for 2 nights and she'd had enough of it and how dare I do that. I was so shocked I just froze in bed and didn't say anything. She then went out slammed the door and went downstairs. 10 minutes later she came back and I ignored her and said that she should put on white noise or use ear buds she then shouted at me again and I said that it was unreasonable as other people are trying to sleep and I didn't understand why she was shouting at me. She then said she was leaving the next day. Which she did and I stayed and made friends and had a good time for the rest of the week.

So If you've stuck with this well done! Was I being unreasonable? Any idea where this came from because I was completely blindsided.

Jesus you sound an absolute nightmare. Asking to go on the gondola on your own?! Did you genuinely think a French ski resort during the holidays was going to be quiet?

I don’t really blame your niece to be honest

Skiing for beginners is absolutely exhausting. I have cried on a mountain from the cold and exhaustion, fear and shin pain several times as a beginner.
Could it be that she herself as a novice was feeling anxtious, exhausted, in pain and scared during the holiday but felt she couldn't tell you as you were taking over the holiday with your anxiety and fears. So that sbe felt she had to tread on eggshells and put on a brave face. She obviously just snapped at breaking point to shout at you so it would have been a buid up to that, I reckon she was pushing through every day with a brave face and then just snapped. Due to the fact the left the resort ai imagine the whole experience was too much for her and she couldnt confide in you due to your own issues.

Yes I agree with this. The fact you cared for your niece when younger doesn't mean she is now morally obliged to act as your carer on holidays abroad. She was a child then and didnt have the agency to make choices for herself so it's hardly a fair trade is it? Surely you didnt take her on holiday as a kid with an expectation that in 20 years time the roles should be reversed?

The fact you are now saying the relationship is over is also very dramatic and histrionic. Why can't you just talk it out? people argue and people disagree in life, we dont all immediately cut off all contact the second we have a row with someone - if this was the case no-one would have any family members left.

I think you need to examine why you make everything into a drama because yes, it could be partly anxiety but I also think your brain is getting enjoyment out of the constant ups and downs of this drama- its like an unhealthy dopamine rush that you are constantly seeking out.

You state yourself that you have anxiety, and it's been made worse by the perimenopause/menopause. Have you sought any help for your anxiety? I speak as someone who's experienced panic attacks due to anxiety. Your anxiety ruled your holiday - in as much as, it was good/bad/manageable.

You required reassurance from strangers, as well as your niece. If your niece has no experience of someone with anxiety, then she wouldn't understand how that can manifest itself or how to help you. Trying to reassure/support for someone who does understand can be emotionally draining, but for someone who doesn't, it's not only emotionally draining but frustrating too.

You admit you're struggling to sleep at night, likely due to the perimenopause/menopause, so naturally you are going to toss/turn. The lack of sleep is going to make your anxiety much worse. Have you sought any help from your GP, to help with your hormones/sleep? Not everyone can use HRT, myself included, but you need to see what options there are.

Clearly your niece was sleep deprived as well, and this, along with supporting you with your anxiety, tipped her over the edge. Of course she shouldn't have shouted, but I'd say she was frustrated and fed up.

Also to answer another question, I spent 3 weeks sharing a room last year (trip to California) two double beds with my son and husband and not a peep out of either of them about me having terrible sleeping habits. Just had to nudge my husband a few times for snoring, but son never once said I was a nightmare and we had a lovely trip.

Going on holiday with people is challenging. Even the best of friends can fall out. OP you sound like hard work. I think you can probably repair this relationship but don’t try going on holiday together again.

Kindly OP, if claustrophobia impacts your daily life then you need a therapy programme to address it. It’s not fair to invite a family member on holiday and involve them in your attempts to deal with it.

It’s unlikely for her to cut you off over tossing and turning at night so there must be more to it than that.

Some people are heavier sleepers than others and your DH is used to you.

Your anxiety makes demands on other people - the French woman had to reassure you instead of just enjoying her event - a total stranger. The anxiety makes you the centre of attention. Others are then cast in carer roles (your niece had to hold your hand through the same excursion).

However she should not have shouted at you. That would have been scary. It is quite abusive on her part and there is no excuse for it.

And again you double down that you couldnt possibly be the problem.
Fgs would you listen to everyone saying you are out of order and do somethign about it.

OP, I think it's your responses that really clarify the situation for me.

At no point are you willing to accept that any single aspect of your behaviour may have been sub-optimal in any way. In fact, you are determined to present yourself as some kind of beleaguered saint, and your niece as an ungrateful, violent-tempered grifter.

I'm not surprised you got on her nerves, with that kind of attitude!

Lots of us suffer from anxiety when we are menopausal, and require HRT, therapy and/or meds. It doesn't mean we are somehow magically not responsible for the impact of our behaviour on others.

If I couldn't cope with things like getting on a bus (and yes, I've been there) I would NOT be going on holiday with someone else, unless it was a partner, parent or child, somebody emotionally invested in helping me deal with my problems.

It wasn't a fair situation to put a niece in, OP. And your complete refusal to even countenance this fact, makes me lose all sympathy with you, to be honest. Why post if you are completely convinced every aspect of your behaviour was flawless?

I do hate a drama lama. If you don’t take anything for your anxiety then you should take responsibility for managing it and not go on about it to anyone that’ll listen. If you do take meds then have them reviewed as they’re clearly not having the desired effect!

She was rude for shouting at you, I expect sleep deprivation had something to do with it. You were very rude for not showing more consideration when sharing accommodation.

Her holiday may have been partially subsidised but she still spent good money and left after 2 days because she found it unbearable and you share some responsibility for that.

YABVU

your niece sounds like she was at the end of her tether after a stressful and challenging few days

Well she told others she hated skiing. So there’s part of the answer.
Nothing as demoralising as feeling foolish as a young adult in a beginners class and having to be constantly picked up by the instructor.
So that, on top of your anxiety-ridden unreliability and night flapping, might have made it all just too intolerable.
A little self-awareness goes a long way.
Shame she couldn’t hold her temper better though.

It was a mistake for her to go with you OP. So she cut her losses. Just put it down to that and enjoy the rest of your week meeting new people.

On this trip, did you exhibit the same anxiety behaviours as you did on the ski trip?

Did you talk to random strangers about your anxiety/claustrophobia and make it the main topic of conversation?, did you ask your son to hold your hand? did you switch buses multiple times and asked them to leave you alone at points? did you have a panic attack on the plane?

Because if not, then you can't really compare them

Great post. Where’s your understanding of how this holiday was for her, OP? Me, me, me seems to be your mantra. What effort did you make to ensure she got a decent night’s sleep?

I’d stop updating to be honest.

She’s asked you not to contact her again?

It sounds like there’s more to this than a stressful holiday.

i am 53 and totally understand the Claus phobia and anxiety sleep issues as that me to a tee!

however I am better with HRT and take a bunch of sleep meds and would never ever ever ever sleep in same bed or room as anyone other than my partner who loves me loads

lesson learnt , she was totally out of order for shouting and stropping off and owes you an apology but your anxiety and flapping about would have driven me nuts and It would have spoiled my enjoyment too but I’d have grinned and bared it bettter

As a perimenopausal woman myself with all the normal sleep issues for perimenopause, I wouldn't dream of attempting to share a bedroom with a niece (or with my son for that matter) so I think the whole thing was ill-advised and rather than offering earbuds from night 2, paying for a 2nd bedroom would have been more appropriate. But I'm glad you enjoyed it after all.

Well its a bit different sharing a hotel room with your husband who I assume you share a room with every night anyway, and your child, than an adult woman who had no idea you'd be up and down like a yoyo opening the windows of the bedroom in artic temperatures.

I am completely shocked you would completely end the relationship over this. You have not considered your neice's POV at all. You may have subsidised her ticket a bit but quite frankly with your son backing out she probably saved you money coming and contributing and it probably cost her a small fortune to come in the first place and leave early. You made her your carer and deprived her of sleep, not much of a holiday that, I bet she feels absolutley sick about the waste of money.

Could you make 2026 the year you don’t say the word ‘anxiety’ ever again? Seriously, we become what we most think about. Focus on other things. Read uplifting books. Join a meditation class. Stop making ‘anxiety’ part of your persona.

I think the niece asking you never to contact her again is very ott. But all sorts of relationships end up going wrong after a shared holiday. The nail in the coffin for me having any respect at all for my sil and bil was a big group holiday <shudders>.

she screamed and swore at me for moving around in the bed

No, you know it is not as simple as that. We've got paragraphs and paragraphs of you telling us all the ways your anxiety impacted on her and her sleep and the holiday, and once she snaps, you claim all you did was turn over in bed?

You know that's not an honest account. So while I'm sure you have been very supportive to her in the past, I also can't trust your assertion that you've only ever been wonderful to her... and I certainly don't believe it can be all that selfless and loving if you're now ready to become totally estranged over one argument that you know wasn't caused by you moving in bed. Come off it.

Your anxiety appears to have totally disappeared once you no longer had her as an audience. You're disregarding two days of incidents and pretending she blew up at you just for moving in bed. You're bringing up incidents from her childhood to hold over her and you're happy to just become estranged now over one holiday.

It doesn't sound like anxiety. It sounds manipulative.

Oh Lord, this is turning into one those AIBUs isn't it?

OP: "Am I being unreasonable?"

Every single person: "YES you are"

OP: "NO- you're all wrong because xyz, blah I am justified, blah, everyone else is wrong, blah, years ago I did a good thing, blah, blah blah"

OP- why even bother asking us if you are so convinced you did nothing wrong at all and your niece is such a nasty bitch because that's essentially what this thread is about.....

I'm in peri so I do understand. But I also live my life in a way which doesn't impact on others. I walk and work out a lot which helps immensely with any weight gain as well as anxiety and mood, for example. So no one around me really knows I'm in peri as I handle my shit. I also handle my extraordinarily heavy periods alone.

That said, I'd be taken aback too by her outburst - but I think she was likely at the end of her rope / exhausted by all your tossing and turning, grabbing her hand on the gondola, etc. I know you can't help it but being around someone older (to her) with anxiety can be frustrating. We have just come back from a short city trip with my MIL, and for a few reasons my partner says he wouldn't do it ever again. (MIL refuses to eat so is always weak and limping, can't breathe because of it, etc.) But we all stayed calm and on good terms.

I don't think you're unreasonable unless you're being dramatic by grabbing hands, rolling around etc., but I do think you were totally unsuited and mismatched.