Niece screamed at me for turning over in bed.

[jeregretterien77]

Hi
So I have just returned from a ski holiday with my adult niece. When I booked originally, my 19 year old son was meant to be going, but his job would not let him take time off over Christmas (retail). My niece had expressed that she would really like to try skiing, so I asked her if she wanted to come along. It was a really good deal for skiing as French (hostel type) food included, so I paid an extra 25% and she paid around £500 plus her own flights. This included ski lessons, equipment, transfer from airport, ski pass and food and accommodation.

Now I have struggled with menopausal anxiety and I am claustrophobic which has got worse with menopause, but I was upfront about this. Flying makes me anxious now and confined spaces. On way to airport I mentioned I was anxious, but said I'd be fine. Got on flight was fine. Niece was sat elsewhere as I said she could relax in case I felt anxious. I was abso fine in the end and just spoke to her and offered her a sandwich all good.

Got to accommodation, food good. Had a drink went to bed. Woke up as very hot in room about 4 and eventually opened window then bit of tossing and turning around (we shared a room twin beds) went back to sleep. Niece said I moved around a bit. I offered her new pack of ear buds for next night she refused.

All good, but ski resort was much busier than usual due to not a lot of snow and people heading to where we were, therefore buses and gondola all busy, so not great for me. We had ski lesson and I stayed in her beginner lesson to give her support, then did little bit of skiing just past basic myself.

On gondola I asked staff if I could go just with my niece due to claustrophobia, but he said was too busy, we then got on with 2 others and I felt anxious, so just talking to French lady next to me saying I was claustrophobic just in case she thought I was acting weird. The gondola then stopped midway and I panicked a little and tried to change seats. The French lady was lovely and spoke to me and a young English guy which made me feel much better. I held my niece's hand and she just looked pissed off. Absolutely packed bus on way back so I got off and told her I would meet her back at centre. Eventually had to get on packed bus and coped ok. Then had meal, chatted to other people and joined evening entertainment she said she enjoyed it. Went to bed, middle of night she complains that I am moving around (bear in mind when we have been on holiday before she has slept in same BED as her mother who snores like a buffalo) and there is no way that I could have been making anywhere near the noise that she does. My niece, I was aware was also moving around a lot, so I just thought well that's sharing rooms. She went to lesson next morning and we met up for lunch had nice time, spoke to lots of friendly, adventurous people, she said to each one that she hated skiing.

That evening I suggested we explore town, go out for drink to lovely little chalet bar had a lovely chat, she complimented me on my French. We talked about her learning Spanish etc all good. Went back for food, joined quiz with other people, mostly families, but girl her age, she spoke with. Music quiz which for some reason I had a lot of answers for. She suddenly decides she's leaving to go to the room after half an hour. No problem, I stay and chat and quiz with people we are with. Went to room, we laughed and joked for about an hour about her ski lesson and she said the instructor had had to keep rescuing her and I joked they were in a love/hate relationship and we both laughed for a good while continuing this story. Around 10 minutes after this, we settled to go to sleep and she suddenly got up and screamed at me that I'd been keeping her awake for 2 nights and she'd had enough of it and how dare I do that. I was so shocked I just froze in bed and didn't say anything. She then went out slammed the door and went downstairs. 10 minutes later she came back and I ignored her and said that she should put on white noise or use ear buds she then shouted at me again and I said that it was unreasonable as other people are trying to sleep and I didn't understand why she was shouting at me. She then said she was leaving the next day. Which she did and I stayed and made friends and had a good time for the rest of the week.

So If you've stuck with this well done! Was I being unreasonable? Any idea where this came from because I was completely blindsided.

Maybe your niece is also allowed to be irrational at times too?

It would be madness to cut off a long standing relationship on what seems to have been a stressful time for both of you.

Just give it some time and reach out to her.

When I read that Op opened the shared bedroom window at 4 am (- on a ski resort!) without consulting her niece, it was obvious that Op doesn't give any consideration to others. That was an unbelievably self centred move and her niece must've been freezing.

It already has and it is quite vile. Typical MN herd mentality hiding behind an anonymous forum. Cruel, unnecessary, and actually the Niece is a disrespectful grown woman of 32 that some posters are supporting.
Need to try putting themselves into the OP's world before lashing out with their nasty ignorant comments. The OP has anxiety issues. It's a big deal. It's not rational.
Try some emotional intelligence... oh, I forgot where I was.

To add... OP don't engage with them anymore. You can't help your phobia, it's irrational, it can be self centred and selfish but it's not meant. I get it.
You won't get anywhere here, just more crap.

ok my bad- I'd assumed the DN age of 19 or so, rather than in her 30s, but it's still a lesson in avoiding vacations with non householders

It doesn't seem to have sparked any more of OP's anxiety ir fears. Quite the opposite. OP went on to have a great holiday, overcoming her phobias and anxiety entirely. Her full account of the holiday after her niece left is "I stayed and made friends and had a good time for the rest of the week". And she doesn't seem at all bothered about losing the relationship; she's said nothing about trying to fix things now everyone's home and calmed down and nothing about being affected beyond wanting everyone to agree she's a perfect victim. I'm not sensing any pain or fear here. Just indignance.

I originally thought the OP was asking for help to understand why things may have gone the way they did and was hoping she might reflect on how she might have contributed. I suspect other commentators may also be hoping for some self reflection from the OP. Obviously by now it’s clear that wasn’t what she was asking for.

Interesting aspect of what could appear to be a ‘pile on’ is that it may just mean many people disagree with a poster and are getting a little frustrated that a poster is continuing to insist everyone who disagrees with her is wrong. None of us know each other, in a fast moving thread many posters will mostly be reading the OP comments and responding to those.

To say we’re conducting a mass kicking is a hyperbolic accusation.

Op i feel for you, both how your niece treated you and how pp here are responding.

I think if you'd said your dn was your dd you would have got more sympathetic responses, mn hates dds being rude and disrespectful but apparently it's ok when it's a dn 😅

What was the context of her saying not to contact you again, that sounds completely ott?

Respectfully, this assertion about the MN hive mind / DN/DD judgements is bullshit.

She is 28 not 32, my mistake - apologies.

Absolutely it would give me the rage.

I really struggle to function without enough sleep and would have been politely sucking up her other behaviours as out of her control.

I hate sleeping with the window open (noise and draft as well as hang ups from previous break in). If she'd asked if I minded prior to sleep I would have agreed a compromise, maybe open a crack and still secure. In the middle of the night after countless wakings I would have been unimpressed and likely taken myself very grumpily downstairs to sleep on the couch and stayed there throughout the holiday. I would not have shouted or swore, but would be internally raging that as well as the unavoidable tossing and turning she had chosen to wake me again by opening the window.

Like others if I can't sleep I try and keep my movements down to not inconvenience others or quietly leave the bedroom.

Pretty much the same thing though

Yes, absolutely!

Ive re read the OP and wanted to say that I have a niece in her 30s. If I was feeling anxious and held her hand she would definitely offer comfort but she'd also still possibly bite my head off if I'd been the cause of sleep deprivation on a physically demanding trip

Did she really "scream" at you in the middle of the night? I know someone who I'm sure has narcissistic tendencies and they anecdotally describe anybody who challenges them as "they screamed at me" to hyperbolise the other party's reaction, to villainise them and to play the victim/garner sympathy. I'm sure if she actually screamed at you, the other chalet guests would have intervened assuming there was an emergency as screaming in the middle of the night would surely wake up everybody, particularly in budget accommodation. It sounds like you aggravated her until she eventually snapped and you are now consequently playing the victim.

I ski at least once per year, every gondola is usually filled quickly in busy periods. You must have caused a lot of congestion; I can imagine a lot of the French skiers becoming incredibly frustrated and I'm surprised nobody challenged you. I cannot believe how mortified your niece must have felt if you expected everybody to wait so you could have special treatment.

Firstly apologies for long post - years of holding personal stuff in. Yes, I can relate to the occasions when some people exaggerate how you have spoken to them and the loudness of what has been said. If you speak in a normal voice and raise it slightly as listener appears not to be listening but rather speaking over you, they turn it around and say "don't you shout at me". I had an ex Deputy Manager like this, more grating as she knew she had the upper hand, but also very bad form from anyone and they need to look at others' perspectives and not just centre on their own. I have lots of anxieties and also a really deep social anxiety, although people who knew my younger self would have described me as the life and soul of the party. That was mostly alcohol infused and the drink was to give me courage to interact with people whether I knew them well or just for a short time. There were times before I'd had a few drinks, that I felt actually paralysed. Then I would often just stop going out for weeks or months. At one time it was year. This was the age before mobile phones or internet so unless somebody physically called at the house (never answered so assumed I was out). People may suggest that was ignorant but this was in the days when you did not speak out so much about medical problems especially mental health problems, and certainly not to people you just met in a communal lift, or on a bus or with any holidaymakers at any holiday resort you may have visited. You did not put it on job applications as you would not have even been considered. Thankfully those days are over but I still do not openly discuss my own struggles, I withdraw and so a lot of people just think I am unfriendly, when actually I am shaking on the inside and sometimes just want to cry. I think it is about balance and I can't seem to find that so stay schum. As much as I do understand OP's situation, she does not seem to stop to think about the effect of discussing her diagnosed anxieties with strangers and possibly oversharing her conditions. They have felt very uncomfortable with both the information and worried about the right way to respond. Even if they had spoken first, I'm sure they didn't ask if she suffered any anxieties or mental health issues.

Although your niece shouldn’t have screamed at you I don’t blame her for cutting the holiday short.
You sound very intense and self absorbed. You projected your anxiety onto everyone without a single thought for their own struggles . I have a colleague like this and it’s draining her constant “ I’m anxious about this and that “ to anyone and everyone.

Funny how you were able to have a good holiday once she had gone home , and managed your emotions on your own without support.

What's the difference between OP saying 'screamed' to mean shouted/snapped, and you using 'absolutely mortified' and 'incredibly frustrated' to describe the feelings you imagine strangers may have had in a scenario that didn't happen to you?
Because both of you are choosing language to paint a picture that supports your narrative. The only difference I see is that the OP was actually there, so is at least relating her experience as she percieved it, rather than projecting onto strangers.

@5128gap

What's the difference between OP saying 'screamed' to mean shouted/snapped,

Because screamed implies a loss of control, a rage ( which might have been the case ).

Yes it might have been the case, and OP may have selected the word to convey that. Or it may have been literal. Or it may be an exaggeration.
My point is, this is a thread where many people appear to have taken against the OP, as sometimes happens. There is a cohort who have decided she is weak, attention seeking, self indulgent, and her niece is the victim.
When that idea takes hold, people tend to get progressively more invested in proving it, with each subsequent post inflating and exaggerating the wrong doing of the villain (OP) and the virtue of the victim/heroine (niece). Some of the language used to further this natrative has been far more hyperbolic than any used by the OP.

Exactly this. Also why assume the OP was causing congestion at the gondolas? It sounds to me like she asked the staff member at the head of the queue "can just the two of us get on the next gondola", he/she said no, OP got on the next gondola with two strangers. Sounds like the whole exchange would have taken seconds, no extra chaos or congestion caused. Lots of people inventing their own narrative here.