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Original poster

Kids have caught DH texting on holiday

159 replies

Notlivingmybestlife69 · 16/08/2025 17:50

We're on a family holiday, DS (14) playing a game with DH on phone when he sees a thread between DH & unknown woman. He comes sobbing to me at the beach & tells his sister (17). He did not confront his dad or say that he had seen anything. I feel sick but not completely surprised, we are not happily married, bicker constantly & zero sex life for years. I remained calm & asked him he had to explain himself to the kids and left it at that. He originally denied anything and he later told them we have a "complicated relationship" & and old friend had got in touch (never head of her & we've been together for 29 years). The last time I knew of this happening was when I was last pregnant. DD also caught him watching porn in a full house recently. He clearly isn't happy & neither am I. DD says I should leave him. We haven't really spoken since the incident and now getting ready for an awkward family dinner. Needed to share as too embarrassed to share with anyone else. I feel mad & sad. Is it time to say goodbye to us?

OP posts:
Campingisnexttogodliness · 16/08/2025 17:51

He can move out
He's the one who broke his vows...

Lampzade · 16/08/2025 17:52

Time to knock the marriage on the head.
Even your dd said that you should leave your dh

BCBird · 16/08/2025 17:52

Thinking of you all OP. Horrible for your children yo make these discoveries

SushiDisco · 16/08/2025 17:54

Do it for your children if not yourself. If you stay it teachers them that this kind of behaviour is normal and forgivable in a marriage.

TheHandmaidsSnail · 16/08/2025 17:54

Yes, your poor son having to tell you that.

YourUglySister · 16/08/2025 17:54

You poor children. Time for both of you to take responsibility. I’d imagine that it’s over and he’s out but you almost don’t seem bothered? Indifference is usually a sign the love has gone. Will it be very difficult to separate?

BlueRin5eBrigade · 16/08/2025 17:55

Realistically there is no US. Your relationship was done years ago. You are not happy. He is not happy. I imagine you've been holding on for the sake of the kids but they aren't happy either. It's time to go your separate way and teach them that it's okay to leave unhappy relationships .

ohfourfoxache · 16/08/2025 17:57

I’m sorry, but the fact that your DS has found this is unforgivable IMHO

Poor kid 😭

Definite LTB territory, especially given the trauma he will have inflicted on his own child

bringbacksideburns · 16/08/2025 18:00

Christ. Do you really have to ask?!!

It sounds like your marriage was over a long time ago. Comfort your kids and in particular reassure your son that you will all be happier living apart.

MeganM3 · 16/08/2025 18:09

I know I will be in the vast minority, but I believe some relationships can be (happily) non-monogamous. In some cases couples agree that their needs can’t be met by eachother and that it is ok for them to seek what they need responsibility outside the relationship.
If you’re not having sex at all would you mind if he was finding that with another person?
Sometimes the rest of the relationship is good enough that you can find some sort of agreement. It is hard to leave a long marriage, home and all the things that come with it. For the sake of sex.
I’m absolutely not advocating affairs, just feel that things aren’t always black and white.

I’ve no idea of the details of your relationship and if you are not happy generally then you should certainly leave and build yourself a life that will make you happier. So sorry that it came to light this way. Thank goodness your children are open with you and supportive of you. Good luck whichever route you take.

Jk987 · 16/08/2025 18:12

MeganM3 · 16/08/2025 18:09

I know I will be in the vast minority, but I believe some relationships can be (happily) non-monogamous. In some cases couples agree that their needs can’t be met by eachother and that it is ok for them to seek what they need responsibility outside the relationship.
If you’re not having sex at all would you mind if he was finding that with another person?
Sometimes the rest of the relationship is good enough that you can find some sort of agreement. It is hard to leave a long marriage, home and all the things that come with it. For the sake of sex.
I’m absolutely not advocating affairs, just feel that things aren’t always black and white.

I’ve no idea of the details of your relationship and if you are not happy generally then you should certainly leave and build yourself a life that will make you happier. So sorry that it came to light this way. Thank goodness your children are open with you and supportive of you. Good luck whichever route you take.

Yes but non-monogamy has to be pre-agreed. This is a secret affair and it’s not the first time.

Gladysknightjustwalkinmyshoes · 16/08/2025 18:24

What an awful situation for that young lad to witness then the subsequent fall out.
Your Dd is right time for him to go.

HenDoNot · 16/08/2025 18:29

If your 17 year old daughter catching him watching porn in a full house in a place where he was was easily “catchable” wasn’t enough, sadly I doubt this will be either.

Your poor kids. Neither of you are putting them first. I bet they can’t stand him and speaking from experience it won’t be long before they feel the same about you too.

Skybluepinky · 16/08/2025 18:31

The relay was dead years ago, do the best for your kids and actually go your separate ways.

prelovedusername · 16/08/2025 18:34

I feel so sorry for you, and especially your DC. I think it’s important that they don’t feel responsible for the breakdown of your marriage, which they might. Your best approach might be to say you’re sorry they had to see what they did but grateful that at last you can draw a line under what has been an unhappy situation for a while. Above all they remain your priority and you will all come out of this better, happier, stronger.

It’s shit, your DH is a liar and a coward, but you are not.

Cucy · 16/08/2025 19:08

we are not happily married, bicker constantly & zero sex life for years.

Yes it’s time to say goodbye! It was time years ago!

You’re both miserable and so I don’t understand why either of you are content with wasting years of your life.

Sit him down and say that you both need to be mature and figure out the best way to separate.
Work on a plan together so that one of you moves out within a certain time frame.
As he is the one who is talking to another women, then he should technically be the one to leave but it might not work for you and the kids that way.
But either way, remember that you are in control here as he’s the one that’s done wrong.

Motnight · 16/08/2025 19:15

Your DD catching him watching porn is disgusting, Op. He's really not even bothering to be careful.

Luckyingame · 16/08/2025 19:48

For fucks sake, get rid of it, if possible.
🙄

cupfinalchaos · 16/08/2025 21:01

SushiDisco · 16/08/2025 17:54

Do it for your children if not yourself. If you stay it teachers them that this kind of behaviour is normal and forgivable in a marriage.

This and only this.

Original poster
Notlivingmybestlife69 · 29/08/2025 09:24

Thanks for all the support. I made it through he holiday by pretending he wasn't there & when we returned we had a chat - I said I wanted to separate. He wasn't remorseful, didn't fight for us or tell me he loved me, just apologised for letting me down like he was in a work meeting. He is now carrying on as if nothing has happened (said the house is his too) & I don't know how to move to the next stage. He can't afford to move out & we don't have any spare space to put him in another room.

OP posts:
Gettingbysomehow · 29/08/2025 09:30

To be honest it sounds like the marriage has been dead for a while and I doubt he wants to be celibate. Why not just do the decent thing and have a blameless, quiet divorce and both of you get on with the rest of your lives.

Gettingbysomehow · 29/08/2025 09:32

If you are married the house isn't just his whatever he says. I'd sooner live in rented anyway rather than live like this.

ToKittyornottoKitty · 29/08/2025 09:34

Notlivingmybestlife69 · 29/08/2025 09:24

Thanks for all the support. I made it through he holiday by pretending he wasn't there & when we returned we had a chat - I said I wanted to separate. He wasn't remorseful, didn't fight for us or tell me he loved me, just apologised for letting me down like he was in a work meeting. He is now carrying on as if nothing has happened (said the house is his too) & I don't know how to move to the next stage. He can't afford to move out & we don't have any spare space to put him in another room.

Have you seen a solicitor to begin divorce and start coming up with a plan? You can’t just leave the kids in this shit limbo now.

Absentmindedsmile · 29/08/2025 09:35

Notlivingmybestlife69 · 29/08/2025 09:24

Thanks for all the support. I made it through he holiday by pretending he wasn't there & when we returned we had a chat - I said I wanted to separate. He wasn't remorseful, didn't fight for us or tell me he loved me, just apologised for letting me down like he was in a work meeting. He is now carrying on as if nothing has happened (said the house is his too) & I don't know how to move to the next stage. He can't afford to move out & we don't have any spare space to put him in another room.

Sounds awful, sorry op.

The very best thing you can do at this point, is book to see a solicitor asap. Find out your legal position and way forwards. The first half an hour should be free and non binding.

It’ll help you very much. And go from there x

Fernandez54 · 29/08/2025 09:36

My daughter saw messages from a woman on her dads phone a year before he left me….we had been married 27 years. That was 6 years ago and to this day he still won’t admit it. He is now married to said woman.