Page 6 | Kids have caught DH texting on holiday

WhereBoomBandsarePlaying · 31/08/2025 08:13

Mikkymik · 31/08/2025 03:29

No, you have agreed to only have sex with each other. But you never agreed to become celibate. That was never part of the agreement, and nobody in their right mind would ever agree to that.

When you enter into a monogamous relationship and then unilaterally withdraw sex, that's a simple bait and switch. And that automatically invalidates the sexual exclusivity part of your agreement.

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So if one of you is ill or just given birth etc and can't have sex does that mean the other partner is entitled to cheat because they're not getting any?
I hope you have told your partner that they better put out otherwise you will fuck someone else so they know where they stand.

thebabayaga · 31/08/2025 08:23

WhereBoomBandsarePlaying · 31/08/2025 08:13

So if one of you is ill or just given birth etc and can't have sex does that mean the other partner is entitled to cheat because they're not getting any?
I hope you have told your partner that they better put out otherwise you will fuck someone else so they know where they stand.

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Yes, I didn't bother to mention the exceptions, because this person is either a cheater or a cheater apologist and simply won't listen to reason, logic and facts, they will just keep twisting it.

But yeah, there are loads of really good reasons I can think of off the top of my head why someone can't have/won't want to have sex. Pregnancy, childbirth, cancer, death of a child or loved one, having to go and help a family member in distress, all kinds of illnesses. There are LOADS of reasons why sex can dry up that do not make the person not having sex unfair or unreasonable.

And since everybody has a different sex drive if you allow the excuse of "but you wouldn't have sex with me!" with the pouty bottom lip, that means filthy, grubby cheaters have a get out of jail free card at any time at all - some would claim two weeks is too long to go without. There are men who are coercing their wives to have sex two weeks after a baby is born.

So the bottom line is no, there is no time limit at all that is an excuse for cheating.

I also love that the cheater/cheater apologist I replied to seem so oblivious to the fact that often women stop having sex with their husbands BECAUSE he was cheating on her while they were still having sex. Or, because her husband was otherwise abusing her and treating her like garbage.

So yeah, a man can abuse the hell out of you, treat you like garbage, but then if you don't want sex with him somehow he gets a free cheat pass as well.

It's just this simple - when you agree to monogamy, that's it. You don't get to have sex with anyone else, ever again. Forever. No matter what. And if you no longer agree to that jointly established boundary that you made through choice, you tell your spouse and discuss it and change the rules jointly, or you leave, or you tell them and they say no and then you leave.

And anything else is cheating and makes you the bad guy.

AnnaSunshine · 31/08/2025 08:43

Notlivingmybestlife69 · 16/08/2025 17:50

We're on a family holiday, DS (14) playing a game with DH on phone when he sees a thread between DH & unknown woman. He comes sobbing to me at the beach & tells his sister (17). He did not confront his dad or say that he had seen anything. I feel sick but not completely surprised, we are not happily married, bicker constantly & zero sex life for years. I remained calm & asked him he had to explain himself to the kids and left it at that. He originally denied anything and he later told them we have a "complicated relationship" & and old friend had got in touch (never head of her & we've been together for 29 years). The last time I knew of this happening was when I was last pregnant. DD also caught him watching porn in a full house recently. He clearly isn't happy & neither am I. DD says I should leave him. We haven't really spoken since the incident and now getting ready for an awkward family dinner. Needed to share as too embarrassed to share with anyone else. I feel mad & sad. Is it time to say goodbye to us?

Regardless of anything else, you must feel incredibly shocked and hurt, and worried about your children. I’m really sorry.

If you were my friend, I would ask you if you had a magic wand, what do you want to happen?

Betty1625 · 31/08/2025 08:45

Fernandez54 · 29/08/2025 09:36

My daughter saw messages from a woman on her dads phone a year before he left me….we had been married 27 years. That was 6 years ago and to this day he still won’t admit it. He is now married to said woman.

So sorry for what your daughter and ypu went through, the gaslighted must feel almost worse than the betrayal

Namechangerage · 31/08/2025 08:47

Notlivingmybestlife69 · 29/08/2025 09:24

Thanks for all the support. I made it through he holiday by pretending he wasn't there & when we returned we had a chat - I said I wanted to separate. He wasn't remorseful, didn't fight for us or tell me he loved me, just apologised for letting me down like he was in a work meeting. He is now carrying on as if nothing has happened (said the house is his too) & I don't know how to move to the next stage. He can't afford to move out & we don't have any spare space to put him in another room.

That’s a “him” problem, not yours!!! Tell him you want him out - maybe he can ask to crash with his “friend”? I’d seek legal advice.

SplinterInMyToe · 31/08/2025 08:54

Thats awful, your poor kids. Not much of a holiday thanks to your selfish husband. It’s time for him to be a grown up. Tell him it’s over and file for divorce.

SplinterInMyToe · 31/08/2025 09:01

Notlivingmybestlife69 · 29/08/2025 09:24

Thanks for all the support. I made it through he holiday by pretending he wasn't there & when we returned we had a chat - I said I wanted to separate. He wasn't remorseful, didn't fight for us or tell me he loved me, just apologised for letting me down like he was in a work meeting. He is now carrying on as if nothing has happened (said the house is his too) & I don't know how to move to the next stage. He can't afford to move out & we don't have any spare space to put him in another room.

Not your problem anymore. Pack his bags and change the locks. He can shack up with his other woman. Does he have family or friends he can stay with? He should have thought about the consequences before starting an affair.

Saladbar · 31/08/2025 09:01

Notlivingmybestlife69 · 29/08/2025 09:24

Thanks for all the support. I made it through he holiday by pretending he wasn't there & when we returned we had a chat - I said I wanted to separate. He wasn't remorseful, didn't fight for us or tell me he loved me, just apologised for letting me down like he was in a work meeting. He is now carrying on as if nothing has happened (said the house is his too) & I don't know how to move to the next stage. He can't afford to move out & we don't have any spare space to put him in another room.

Boohoo for him he can’t afford to move out. Then he goes on the sofa. What the fuck was he thinking would happen? That you would play sister wives?

Touchwood2654 · 31/08/2025 09:03

Fernandez54 · 29/08/2025 09:36

My daughter saw messages from a woman on her dads phone a year before he left me….we had been married 27 years. That was 6 years ago and to this day he still won’t admit it. He is now married to said woman.

Gaslighting your daughter, that is disgusting behaviour. Poor child.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 31/08/2025 09:15

See a solicitor ASAP. It doesnt matter whos name the house is in if it was bought with money earned within the marriage. Find out how the children would want to split their time between you as this may factor into what housing you need plus what maintenance you receive.

Functioningdisaster · 31/08/2025 09:16

How is the house his? He doesn't get to decide. Get angry girl and throw him out!
Hope you & the kids are doing ok xx

SusieLawson · 31/08/2025 09:31

My sister is divorced and still lives in the same house as her ex husband, as if they move out then half the house cost isn't enough to buy another place to live and they don't want to sell it before the mortgage is paid off. They still live as a family but she has another boyfriend she stays with at weekends.

Fernandez54 · 31/08/2025 09:59

Touchwood2654 · 31/08/2025 09:03

Gaslighting your daughter, that is disgusting behaviour. Poor child.

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How was that gaslighting

MumWifeOther · 31/08/2025 10:09

Yes, I think it’s time for him to leave. You do need to model to your kids that this behaviour is unacceptable so that they don’t condone it in their own lives. They sound lovely and it’s great they felt they could tell you, as some kids would keep it to themselves and suffer silently. He does need to have the balls to own up to his unhappiness and also to be honest with you all. You deserve to be happy.

Zempy · 31/08/2025 10:52

The next step is that you lodge a divorce petition. Good luck.

Outside9 · 31/08/2025 11:13

Sounds like relationship ended a long time ago.

MemorableTrenchcoat · 31/08/2025 12:12

Fernandez54 · 31/08/2025 09:59

How was that gaslighting

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Exactly. Straightforward lying is not gaslighting.

Mikkymik · 31/08/2025 15:05

thebabayaga · 31/08/2025 08:23

Yes, I didn't bother to mention the exceptions, because this person is either a cheater or a cheater apologist and simply won't listen to reason, logic and facts, they will just keep twisting it.

But yeah, there are loads of really good reasons I can think of off the top of my head why someone can't have/won't want to have sex. Pregnancy, childbirth, cancer, death of a child or loved one, having to go and help a family member in distress, all kinds of illnesses. There are LOADS of reasons why sex can dry up that do not make the person not having sex unfair or unreasonable.

And since everybody has a different sex drive if you allow the excuse of "but you wouldn't have sex with me!" with the pouty bottom lip, that means filthy, grubby cheaters have a get out of jail free card at any time at all - some would claim two weeks is too long to go without. There are men who are coercing their wives to have sex two weeks after a baby is born.

So the bottom line is no, there is no time limit at all that is an excuse for cheating.

I also love that the cheater/cheater apologist I replied to seem so oblivious to the fact that often women stop having sex with their husbands BECAUSE he was cheating on her while they were still having sex. Or, because her husband was otherwise abusing her and treating her like garbage.

So yeah, a man can abuse the hell out of you, treat you like garbage, but then if you don't want sex with him somehow he gets a free cheat pass as well.

It's just this simple - when you agree to monogamy, that's it. You don't get to have sex with anyone else, ever again. Forever. No matter what. And if you no longer agree to that jointly established boundary that you made through choice, you tell your spouse and discuss it and change the rules jointly, or you leave, or you tell them and they say no and then you leave.

And anything else is cheating and makes you the bad guy.

Edited

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Calling someone a name only works when it's true. Otherwise it's just silly.

Agreeing to be exclusive isn't a legally binding agreement, but one enforced by morals. So it's ludicrous to pretend your interpretation of the agreement is a 'fact'.

The way I see it is two people who have a sexual relationship agree to make it an exclusive sexual relationship. Implicit in that agreement is that it continues to be a sexual relationship. And in return, each party agrees not to have sex with other people.

If one party unilaterally decides to stop treating it as a sexual relationship, that in itself nullifies the agreement. The agreement was never for either party to be celibate. I don't call it cheating, nor do I think the onus is on the 'deprived' party to end the marriage.

If one spouse can decide to change the parameters of the agreement yet remain married, presumably because they enjoy the benefits of marriage, so can the other spouse.

Now obviously when things are beyond the control of one spouse, ie illness, childbirth etc, that would still be within the parameters of the original exclusivity agreement. But not when it's just that one spouse has gone off sex.

Blondeshavemorefun · 31/08/2025 15:09

He can sleep on the sofa and he will have to move out

tell him he can move in with the woman he was texting

or not …….

sorry this has happened but now to sort out the house. Either you sell and both get half and buy something smaller each

or you stay there will kids are 18/21 and then sell

Mikkymik · 31/08/2025 15:10

Functioningdisaster · 31/08/2025 09:16

How is the house his? He doesn't get to decide. Get angry girl and throw him out!
Hope you & the kids are doing ok xx

How is it not his, or at least half of it? You can't throw someone out of their home just because you don't like their behaviour.

MemorableTrenchcoat · 31/08/2025 15:22

Mikkymik · 31/08/2025 15:10

How is it not his, or at least half of it? You can't throw someone out of their home just because you don't like their behaviour.

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On Mumsnet you can, particularly if it’s the man to be thrown out.

Touchwood2654 · 31/08/2025 20:13

Fernandez54 · 31/08/2025 09:59

How was that gaslighting

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Because he tried to say your daughter was lying about the texts.

MemorableTrenchcoat · 31/08/2025 20:28

Touchwood2654 · 31/08/2025 20:13

Because he tried to say your daughter was lying about the texts.

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That’s just lying. Gaslighting is another thing altogether.

Sevenwondersofthewoo · 01/09/2025 01:57

Mikkymik · 31/08/2025 03:08

I'm neither a cheater nor a cheater apologist, I just disagree with you. In my opinion people only owe their spouses sexual exclusivity but not celibacy.

If one spouse takes sex off the table the other spouse is fully justified in stepping out.

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Stepping out as in cheating

if sex has been taken of the table end the marriage then if you want to shag who the hell you like simples, but a lot of marriages are not based on sex you do know that

jsku · 01/09/2025 02:17

@Notlivingmybestlife69

All you say in your posts is that your marriage has not been great, and you have not had sex for a long time.
What lead to it? And have you tried to fox it as a couple?
The texting with someone is not the reason you asked for separation. It was a symptom lf things being wrong, and it brought things to the surface.

However - there is something in the way you are describing what happened when you said you wanted to separate.
You said he didn’t ‘fight for you’ and ‘didn’t say he loved you’…That is quite telling.

Did you actually want him to fight? And to shake him into trying to change things????
Why not just say so.

it is impossible to tell - but are you two possibly in a huge rut? And - maybe it’s worth it giving it a chance - but both of you need to try?