Kids have caught DH texting on holiday

[Notlivingmybestlife69]

We're on a family holiday, DS (14) playing a game with DH on phone when he sees a thread between DH & unknown woman. He comes sobbing to me at the beach & tells his sister (17). He did not confront his dad or say that he had seen anything. I feel sick but not completely surprised, we are not happily married, bicker constantly & zero sex life for years. I remained calm & asked him he had to explain himself to the kids and left it at that. He originally denied anything and he later told them we have a "complicated relationship" & and old friend had got in touch (never head of her & we've been together for 29 years). The last time I knew of this happening was when I was last pregnant. DD also caught him watching porn in a full house recently. He clearly isn't happy & neither am I. DD says I should leave him. We haven't really spoken since the incident and now getting ready for an awkward family dinner. Needed to share as too embarrassed to share with anyone else. I feel mad & sad. Is it time to say goodbye to us?

My DH’s ex and her sibling grew up with parents in a very similar marriage to yours. It was very damaging for everyone and neither DH’s ex nor their sibling has managed to have a happy long term relationship. The ex in laws remained unhappily married. After ex MIL died, ex FIL had moved in with another woman within a few weeks!

You need to speak to a solicitor and start divorce proceedings. If you don’t have a spare room, you can buy a mattress protector and bedding for the sofa or get an airbed and one of you can sleep downstairs until you separate.

I really feed for you, OP. You sound down and worn out. But others are right - you need to get to a solicitor asap. Many provide a free 30 mins consultation and some will provide free advice on their websites. It's time to put your children and yourself first. Their father must not expose them to porn or extra marital messaging whilst he stays in the house (and beyond!). Definitely start gathering information on finances and moving your share of any joint account funds into your own account. DH might be buying time for this himself judging by his actions to ignore the changes.

I clearly remember the time I called my own relationship to a halt. Our children were younger and it broke my heart to think I couldn't give them what they deserved - a happy family set up. But I could do the next best thing in my power, and that is what I did. It was not easy but it was so much more preferable than continuing on in the lies and emotional dysfunction.

I think he wanted to be caught. And also not to be the 'bad guy', as in the one who ends it. Cowardly behaviour.

But he is right in that as you are married the house is as much his as it is yours.

And two mortgages/rents plus child support would probably be impossible for either of you.

So a civilised conversation is essential.

Is your home big enough for you to lead separate lives?

Start a new thread in relationships or divorce sections. People with the right knowledge will be more likely to see your post and be able to advise on how to achieve this in far more detail than I can.
Not ideal, but maybe you and DD could share a room for a bit rather than you and STBXH.
Talk to a solicitor, start getting the paperwork in order, and file for divorce.
In the mean time, act separated. No more cooking for him, no laundry for him etc.

Unless there is some very compelling reason you can't leave the marriage now, why not? No sex at all and you are both unhappy? What would be the point of continuing? It surely is not benefitting the children. Even if it is complicated, at least start the process, this is no way to live.

Make an appointment to see a solicitor. Quietly and privately work out what your rights and entitlements are, and make a plan. Don't assume he is not doing the same.

There is a brighter future out there for you. I wish you all the best.

Your marriage is over. It’s been over for years apparently and I’m afraid you share the blame with your husband for the distress your DC are experiencing. You really don’t seem to care for him and have let this drift when you are both clearly very unhappy. As other PPs have said, you both need to take responsibility, be adults about the situation and start arranging your separation and divorce. You both need to apologise to your DC for letting your relationship get to this stage and for allowing them to be exposed to everything you’ve described.

Sorry you are going through this. It is awful, I get it.

(said the house is his too)
🤣 Er no. It is an marital asset.

You have to progress the split. Your children need to know that this isn't what a healthy relationship looks like.
You say he can't afford to move out but people split up, all the time. You need to work out if you're going to sell the house to get two new places or if the children will live with one of you in the current house and visit the other. Can you buy him out if you remortgage? You need a solicitor and financial advisor. Any arrangement you make now will only be for the next five years anyway due to the ages of the children.

If you haven't been having sex with him for years, why do you even care if someone else is?

OP I feel desperately sorry for you, but your children finding out. It is good they told you. However you cannot let them think this is in any way ok. Leave asap and explain to them it is due to their Fathers behaviour. Get some anger for you and them.

He is right though. It is his house too, so OP cannot insist that he leaves. If neither is willing or able to afford to move out, they will need to live together while separated. And try to get through the financial settlement and divorce as quickly and amicably as possible so that they have the means to live apart.

You are a man?

Yes it's time to say goodbye. Not just for you but for your DC. Now they know about it they need to see from you that it's not an acceptable way to treat a partner.

It’s been a long marriage, and it’s as much his house as OP’s. So, OP can’t throw him out, just as he can’t throw out OP.

How would your children ever know what a normal, healthy relationship looks like if this is what they've been raised to be their 'normal'
You are both to blame here. Those children deserve more and shouldn't have been in those positions

It sounds like it was already over op. I think in sexless marriages someone will cave. It’s time to start talking to each other about what is really going on. It sounds like he has behaved this way before.

I actually agree with you on this re non- monogamy. But this dealbreaker for me in this situation is the DH's abusive carelessness in exposing the children to this - first dd to porn, now ds to these messages with another woman, causing him to sob and ruin his holiday. OP i never usually say LTB as I think posters are way too quick to jump to that but in this situation I don't think you have a choice

JFC. What a bizarre take, focusing solely on the sex.

She doesn't care about that - she sounds resigned and sad about it. What she cares -deeply- about is the fact that her KIDS had to be confronted with this.

Do NOT leave. It puts you in a much worse situation over the shared assets, especially the house. See a solicitor. After that, a sit-down no-crap this-is-unacceptable conversation with partner. He is the one caught watching porn by his kids. He is the one caught trying to set-up an affair by his kids. Ask what he intends to do to explain this to them and when. But more to the point, either a) accept the situation and stop worrying about it OR b) Divorce him and tell him HE is leaving, because he already left. Now he just needs to move his body to where his mind is.

Sending hugs.
Get legal advice as house is shared if you are married.

This.
The very first thing you need to do is get you head in the right place: you are as of now "separated but living in the same house pending divorce".
You are now a "single" person, co-parenting your children.
Recognise this and come to terms with it.

So following on from that, you and DH are like flat-mates. If you would not do something for a flatmate, you don't do it for DH. So no laundry for him, etc.

Start a thread in the Relationships or Divorce section as @BilbaoBaggage said.

Decide who gets to keep the main bedroom and who moves to the sofa or one of the kids bedrooms.

From now on, you can't trust him to be fair and reasonable (he might be, but don't count on it). So start gathering financial evidence, just in case he turns nasty and decides to try and hide assets or cheat you out of a fair financial settlement.

Then discuss what to do about immediate finances pending the divorce. Do you want to cook and shop totally separately? Each have your own cupboards in the kitchen? Or maintain basic "household supplies" like soap and ketchup for now? It may make sense to keep a joint bank account open and leave in place the direct debits for household bills, but start the process of splitting finances as far as you can - e.g. put half of all savings into your own name, and both minimise the amount going into the joint just to cover monthly household costs and no more.
Do you have income? Do you need him to put more into the joint account than you? Will he do this?

Alternatively, each do your own shopping, close all joint accounts immediately, cancel monthly direct debits, and agree to pay half of each bill when it arrives (this will often cost more as you lose the DD discount), then he has to pay you maintenance for the children pending a final split and financial settlement (assuming you will be doing the shopping and cooking for the children).
This option is more complicated and can trigger conflict, so you may want to avoid it until one or both of you actually move out.
(You don't keep any joint accounts after you start living in different homes, which comes later).

Then see a solicitor, and assume he will be doing the same.

My parents divorced 30 years ago and he still plays the victim, as if he didn’t cheat on my mum with her own employee and then went public with her.

You're absolutely right to insist that he explain to the children rather than taking on that burden yourself, but as far as your marriage is concerned you're probably at least a little bit in shock and could use some time away from him to clear your head. Yes, it's technically "his house too", but three other people live there and are pretty appalled by him right now. Unless he genuinely has no money at all, he can leave for a few days to let things settle a little bit emotionally and let you get organised. He is at fault AND he is the only one who is completely unsurprised by his behaviour and has had the full picture all along. At the very, very least, he can sleep on the couch or in DS's room if he'll let him (I wouldn't).

As an aside: don't underestimate the damage done by openly watching (and normalising) porn at home with teens in residence; it's really horrible for your daughter but not great for your son either. Husband's coat was on a VERY shoogly peg even before this most recent incident/revelation.

You can’t make someone move out of their own home