Kids have caught DH texting on holiday

[Notlivingmybestlife69]

We're on a family holiday, DS (14) playing a game with DH on phone when he sees a thread between DH & unknown woman. He comes sobbing to me at the beach & tells his sister (17). He did not confront his dad or say that he had seen anything. I feel sick but not completely surprised, we are not happily married, bicker constantly & zero sex life for years. I remained calm & asked him he had to explain himself to the kids and left it at that. He originally denied anything and he later told them we have a "complicated relationship" & and old friend had got in touch (never head of her & we've been together for 29 years). The last time I knew of this happening was when I was last pregnant. DD also caught him watching porn in a full house recently. He clearly isn't happy & neither am I. DD says I should leave him. We haven't really spoken since the incident and now getting ready for an awkward family dinner. Needed to share as too embarrassed to share with anyone else. I feel mad & sad. Is it time to say goodbye to us?

You're wrong, I'm right. You are either a cheater or a cheater apologist. Facts don't care how you feel.

"Agreeing to be exclusive isn't a legally binding agreement, but one enforced by morals. " It is legally binding if you're married. Which is why adultery is grounds for divorce under unreasonable behaviour but lack of sex drive is not.

"If one party unilaterally decides to stop treating it as a sexual relationship, that in itself nullifies the agreement. "

So if I'm ill it's fine for my husband to cheat on me because I can't have sex? This is actually deeply misogynistic thinking given that women are more likely to experience periods of very low libido due to pregnancy/post partum healing/ breastfeeding/ lack of sleep with young children /hormonal changes during menopause. What you're essentially saying is that if a woman doesn't 'service' her partner during those periods then he is entitled to find sexual gratification elsewhere. Firstly - we're talking about human beings - your point is made talking about robots not people. So your point falls short : "Implicit in that agreement is that it continues to be a CONSENSUAL sexual relationship". Implicit in that agreement is also that either partner can decline sex or intimacy as they feel they need to and any unwanted sex or intimacy is seen as marital rape or sexual assault by coercion. Both of which are illegal. It's upheld in law that you are able to decline sex with a spouse.

"If one party unilaterally decides to stop treating it as a sexual relationship, that in itself nullifies the agreement. The agreement was never for either party to be celibate. I don't call it cheating, nor do I think the onus is on the 'deprived' party to end the marriage"

There are a wealth of reasons why someone may go off sex. It rarely just happens because someone no longer fancies it for absolutely zero reason. Does it also seem fair to you that someone can be left with the lions share of housework/parenting with zero input from their spouse, lack of investment in the relationship but it's their obligation to service their husband when he comes home and has decided he's horny? We're talking about human beings not sex dolls. Intimacy is complex and your black and white over-simplified post completely denies the emotional side of intimacy and sex and reduces it to a purely physical act which we know it isn't.

What a load of absolute twaddle.
The agreement is that you will only have sex with that person, not that one half can decide that because it wasn't often enough for them they can go off and fuck who they like, fuck the consequences. Under your interpretation, how long a dry spell is required before you can start cheating? Does it require several months without, or is just a couple of days without sex or a one-off rejection because they are tired enough to justify it?

@Lavender14 @BilbaoBaggage

"Agreeing to be exclusive isn't a legally binding agreement, but one enforced by morals. " It is legally binding if you're married. Which is why adultery is grounds for divorce under unreasonable behaviour but lack of sex drive is not.

In the UK today we only have no fault divorce. What is interesting to notes that no sex at all is grounds for annulment, which would imply the law recognises marriage is by default a sexual relationship.

So if I'm ill it's fine for my husband to cheat on me because I can't have sex?

Read the full post.

Implicit in that agreement is also that either partner can decline sex or intimacy as they feel they need to and any unwanted sex or intimacy is seen as marital rape or sexual assault by coercion.

Of course one spouse can decline sex. Legally and morally. But in the same way the other spouse can have sex with other people. Nobody is duty bound to be celibate, and no spouse can control their OH's sexuality.

We're talking about human beings not sex dolls. Intimacy is complex and your black and white over-simplified post completely denies the emotional side of intimacy and sex and reduces it to a purely physical act which we know it isn't.

I have no idea why the OP hasn't had sex with her husband in years. But what I do know is that at this stage it was a sham of a marriage, and there is no reason he shouldn't seek it elsewhere. If she wasn't happy in the marriage, she should have womanned up and filed for divorce, rather than continuing to enjoy the benefits of the marriage while consigning her husband to a life of celibacy.

Under your interpretation, how long a dry spell is required before you can start cheating? Does it require several months without, or is just a couple of days without sex or a one-off rejection because they are tired enough to justify it?

Can we agree that several years is long enough to demonstrate the marriage is dead?

"it was a sham of a marriage, and there is no reason he shouldn't seek it elsewhere. If she wasn't happy in the marriage, she should have womanned up and filed for divorce, rather than continuing to enjoy the benefits of the marriage while consigning her husband to a life of celibacy"

Continuing with the black and white thinking. Again as you've recognised we've no idea the reasons WHY op and her dh haven't had sex in a long time. So rather than jumping to the conclusion that this is just a willy nilly decision on her part because she doesn't fancy it, can we not pause and allow for the possibility of it being for a fair reason, or a reason that's actually down to the husband himself and his lack of input into the marriage? Perhaps the husband has unilaterally cosigned himself to a life of celibacy by becoming someone op didn't feel emotionally safe to be intimate with? Your immediate leap to untold sympathy for him without knowing anything about the context or circumstances is misogynistic and attaches unfair blame and responsibility on OP when marriage and intimacy involve open communication and effort.

There's a difference in being unhappy in a marriage and actually wanting a divorce. Both parties are responsible for either actively working on their marriage or seeking a divorce when all else fails but it's also not unreasonable to think that one party might reach that conclusion quicker than the other. In this instance ops husband may have reached that conclusion silently, checked out of the responsibility of maintaining the relationship thus encouraging the op to not want to be intimate with him and still continued enjoying the benefits of being married while lying, gaslighting and cheating on the side. If he wanted out then it's his responsibility to ask to separate. Not ops.

Can we agree that several years is long enough to demonstrate the marriage is dead?

No, we can't.
Because most marriage vows contain the phrase 'forsaking all others'. Not forsaking all others until I fancy fucking someone else.

They are at least a middle aged couple, judging by the length of the relationship, and midlife is really, really awful for many women. I completely lost my libido for years. It was horrendous. Doesn't mean I wanted my husband to go off with someone else.

Apart from anything else, you are being very literal on 'zero sex life'. Plenty of people say zero when they mean infrequent when it comes to sex. You also do not know if the husband was the one who withdrew sex, you assume it was her because you want to justify cheating.

Equally, where you blame OP for having not filed for divorce, I would argue that her husband should have filed if he wasn't happy before he started a replacement relationship.

People don't generally go on holiday with their "as good as an ex" spouse.
marriages aren't dead unless you're divorced

Lol at the incels... 😂 They love to crawl around these kind of threads...yeah, she can get this loser out of the house... You are en route to a much happier future without this subpar specimen OP. 💐

They are a cheater, or they have been cheated on and this is the excuse they used to try to justify the unjustifiable. They are either a man and a misogynist or have internalised misogyny to a huge extent. They are also goading and being shit to the OP by repeating this utter rubbish of course.

And finally, the person you are replying to is actually a horrible person, regardless of what happened to them to make them repeat irrational dogma with no basis in facts or reality. They're creepy and sly and perfectly comfortable with lies and gaslighting when presented with straightforward facts.