Kids have caught DH texting on holiday

[Notlivingmybestlife69]

We're on a family holiday, DS (14) playing a game with DH on phone when he sees a thread between DH & unknown woman. He comes sobbing to me at the beach & tells his sister (17). He did not confront his dad or say that he had seen anything. I feel sick but not completely surprised, we are not happily married, bicker constantly & zero sex life for years. I remained calm & asked him he had to explain himself to the kids and left it at that. He originally denied anything and he later told them we have a "complicated relationship" & and old friend had got in touch (never head of her & we've been together for 29 years). The last time I knew of this happening was when I was last pregnant. DD also caught him watching porn in a full house recently. He clearly isn't happy & neither am I. DD says I should leave him. We haven't really spoken since the incident and now getting ready for an awkward family dinner. Needed to share as too embarrassed to share with anyone else. I feel mad & sad. Is it time to say goodbye to us?

Do ye both work? And is it full time?

This

Your poor children having to be the decision makers for you. Do better - you are their role models.

I’m really sorry, this sounds awful x

Why are you still with someone you haven’t had sex with in years and don’t like anymore
it was only a matter of time before one of you met someone else . It’s wrong what he did , you need to end things and get your life back . Your kids aren’t toddlers and you still have alot of life left to live . Why did you even go on holiday with him?

The hard part is done, you don't have to tell the children.
Don't let it slip back to normality or they'll get false hope.
Sorry it happened that way for them.

This. They know and they want you to divorce him.

I'm not condoning cheating but I believe that you both share responsibility here. You admit that your relationship has been unhappy and sexless for years. This is what happens when couples make the lazy choice to limp along when they are both clearly unhappy instead of either taking positive steps to fix the marriage or make a decision to end it and walk away. Children become collateral damage. There is no 'us' anymore, its clear from your post even if he hadn't cheated - time to bring it to a close.

The OP, and anyone in her position, is NOT responsible for her husband cheating. The only person responsible is him. If there are issues in the marriage, the solution is never to disrespect your partner by cheating on them. It doesn’t matter if the marriage is sexless, having sex with someone else is never justified.

I wish you all the best OP. You will get through this and there will be happier times ahead.

They are both responsible for the bad marriage but actually only he is responsible for his own actions, it’s not OPs fault he was watching porn around his kids or having an affair. No woman is responsible for a man’s behaviour, he is a grown adult and could have left the marriage too, or chosen to stay and not being a complete twat.

I think you need to damage limit for kids sake.
You said its not a happy marriage, zero sex but neither of you had the gumption to pull the pin.

Well he needs to go. I think that's clear. Don't know how old your daughter is but, years ago, I walked in on my Dad doing something pretty gross and frightening for a child. Never got over it. If I were your daughter, I'd approach him watching porn and say: "Do you know, if life doesn't turn out for me, I could end up being one of those women. Perhaps I'll avoid being trafficked though, although you never can tell which ones have or not, can you?" Your son's been sobbing. How awful for him. Sorry for your situation.

He's checked out , you are checked out. What's the advice ....no need for an obvious situation

My daughters have happy romantic holidays with their husbands, sex sex sex ....I mean really? What kind of holidays you do with a man you clearly hate

When your 17 y/o DD is telling you to leave him, you know that’s what you should do. Things might be difficult and/or complicated following the break up at first, but you are showing an impressionable young woman how she should be expected to be treated by a future partner/spouse if you stick around. The same for your DS - he will think this is an acceptable way to treat women if he thinks you’ll tolerate this.
Both your DC need to know this is not a healthy relationship. Be a better role model for them and move on to a place where you are happy.

@Notlivingmybestlife69

When I was a teenager I borrowed my Dad’s work overnight bag and found contraception. I knew exactly what that meant. My Mum used to say things like ‘if Dad was cheating, she’d find it amusing rather than get angry”.
Rightly or wrongly - my parents bickered, slept away from each other but supported each other too. It was more like a sibling relationship.

And my relationship today? Same. We bicker, we support each other at times, we sleep separately. We are like siblings.
However I have two great kids and am financially secure.

Could you live as siblings, and see this as a massive green light to snog who you like, and have a bit of fun yourself?

Can you even call it cheating if the marriage was all but non existent?

If hes stating my house too

yesh but your the one that cheated so you’ve got the sofa till the house is sold if no spare room

lawyer and see what’s what
put in claim for CMS now

don’t have the kids in the middle and most of all good luck

Time to make him leave. Your poor, poor children.

It’s cheating end of

he could ended it if he’s looking elsewhere but wanted to stay in a marriage with all that entails rather then divorce cos he knows what the means to him

It's his bedroom and bed too. You can't actually kick someone out of their own house or even parts of it just because you don't like what they did.

And TBH I find the outrage about his 'cheating' bemusing. When your marriage is dead in the water, sexual relations non existent, there's nothing to 'cheat' on. Finding someone else is inevitable.

I think leaving is the best option for your children as well as for you in this scenario.

You've been here before, he was lucky he got a second chance then and he's repeated the same behaviours but also was so blatant about it he's dragged your kids into the middle of it. This is traumatising for them and you need to now close that off for them.

You have a choice between staying married, your kids knowing you are both unhappy, left on edge that the same thing might happen again, feeling guilty that you are maybe staying 'for them' and thinking that this is what a healthy relationship looks like. Or, you leave, you show them that they were right to tell you, that actions have consequences, that they deserve respect and to stand up for themselves, and you can move on and have happier healthier relationships and your kids can probably have better relationships with each of you in separate homes. Two separate happy parents are much, much less damaging than two miserable toxic parents sticking it out.

If you don't walk away now your kids will be left in limbo with no closure and this is not the blueprint you want them to be forming their own serious relationships off.

Plus, you deserve to not be with a man who cheats. Get yourself to a solicitor, get yourself a sti check and get him out of the house.

Yep. Absolutely cheating, 100 %. And sometimes there is a good reason why women don't want to have sex with their husbands - it's sometimes because they're cheating pricks who treat them like shit. That can also be why there is a lot of bickering, unresolved resentment.

But regardless the choices are, stay married, stay faithful, or leave then start seeing other people, or tell your wife/husband you plan to cheat and ask them if they are cool with it, and if not then leave and start seeing other people. Anything else is cheating.

Anyway, he's a cheat, and he can leave.

It sounds like your marriage was over s long time ago. I feel sorry for your children who are now suffering the consequences of having two parents who didn’t want to face the truth. Time to find a lawyer and speed up things

Yes.