Kids have caught DH texting on holiday

[Notlivingmybestlife69]

We're on a family holiday, DS (14) playing a game with DH on phone when he sees a thread between DH & unknown woman. He comes sobbing to me at the beach & tells his sister (17). He did not confront his dad or say that he had seen anything. I feel sick but not completely surprised, we are not happily married, bicker constantly & zero sex life for years. I remained calm & asked him he had to explain himself to the kids and left it at that. He originally denied anything and he later told them we have a "complicated relationship" & and old friend had got in touch (never head of her & we've been together for 29 years). The last time I knew of this happening was when I was last pregnant. DD also caught him watching porn in a full house recently. He clearly isn't happy & neither am I. DD says I should leave him. We haven't really spoken since the incident and now getting ready for an awkward family dinner. Needed to share as too embarrassed to share with anyone else. I feel mad & sad. Is it time to say goodbye to us?

Just make sure that your children, particularly DS, don't blame themselves for the marriage ending.

Could either of you share a bedroom with a child, to get a bit more space? Of course you can carry on sharing a home but is that what you want?

Are you serious here

he cheated as he’s married he didn’t open the marriage up for an extra woman in it

remember married took vows so what if there is no sex and what utter crap they look elsewhere not all men or women for that matter go of and shag someone else cos there is no sex in there relationship

as for the bedroom/bed thing again are you serious here. Would you get into a bed with your soon to be ex no you damn wouldn’t and if any remorse would sleep on the sofa. She didn’t cheat he did but you think let’s sleep together in our bed like nowt is wrong fuck that and it’s blurs the boundaries don’t you think

That's what I meant, probably didn't word it very well they are both responsible for staying in a bad marriage, he alone is responsible for cheating.

This. No-one should live like this. Not you, not him, certainly not your children.

The house is a marital asset to which you’re both entitled. Please see a lawyer. Can you have a civilised discussion re selling/splitting up? I don’t see the point of continuing.

Make him leave his own property? I don’t think so.

Even if he would be morally in the wrong, you still can't demand he moves out. If the OP really doesn't want to sleep in one bed with him, she can move out.

But honestly I don't think he was morally wrong. When a marriage is all but dead except for on paper, there's nothing wrong with either spouse seeing other people. The OP doesn't like her husband and hasn't had sex in years.

Why take the trouble to post, especially such a long post, if you can't be bothered to read the OP? OP is clear they have been unhappy for years and bicker constantly. This clearly is not a ' happy except for the lack of sex' marriage.

Yes there is something wrong with it. And watching porn while his teens are in the house walking around is just fucking grim.

Your poor son. And your daughter and what she saw?? EWWW. I would think this is the end.

Many years ago I learned that the opposite of love is NOT hate.

The opposite of love is indifference.

You really have done your time with this specimen. Reward yourself and the kids with your freedom.

Yep. Christ, cheaters and cheater apologists will turn themselves into total pretzels to avoid the simple reality that cheating is always wrong. And if you are in a monogamous marriage and go outside the agreed to boundaries set by both of you, you are cheating.

It's just not that complicated. He had three options, he could cheat and be completely in the wrong, he could leave then start something with another woman, he could ask his wife (with whom he is in an agreed to monogamous relationship) if she is ok with changing the rules, and if she says no then he can either cheat or leave.

But what he can't do is cheat without being in the wrong.

And love the "Well she can't FORCE the grotty, cheating, sleazy porn head to sleep in another bed!" Like that is some sort of gotcha. If he had the tiniest shred of decency he'd just piss off to another bed as soon as she asked. But he's a cheater, so probably doesn't have any decency.

It's not wrong to not remain celibate in a marriage.

Yes, it absolutely is unless you have both agreed to a non monogamous marriage. I have already explained the choices a normal, decent person has, normal decent people never cheat.

But as a cheater or a cheater apologist grimly trying to defend the indefensible, you already know this.

I'm neither a cheater nor a cheater apologist, I just disagree with you. In my opinion people only owe their spouses sexual exclusivity but not celibacy.

If one spouse takes sex off the table the other spouse is fully justified in stepping out.

I urge you to leave. I say this as a child who's father used to put his own needs above my own and repeatedly watch porn while I was in the same room as him. I won't go into more detail but the subject matter wasn't vanilla and involved a lot of pain and distress from the woman. I am sure it was formative in many ways as I was growing up, largely because I couldn't talk about it to anyone at all.

I also think it is not what the kids want - they need a safe space where the adult puts their needs first. He is demonstrating repeatedly he is not that an only puts his needs first and foremost. You are not co-parenting here, he is creating trauma for your children and you need to protect them from that.

Sorry if that sounds dramatic but I couldn't justify staying and putting them through that.

But there is nothing at all to disagree with, facts are facts. If you are in a monogamous relationship you have agreed not to fuck other people. The end. Fact. Can't be argued with. Yep, you owe your husband or wife monogamy because you promised it.

If you want to change that you ask. If they say no you leave. If you stay and cheat you are a cheater.

It's not complex, at all. 2 + 2 = 4 and cheaters will always try to apologise for cheating, like you - because you are a cheater or a cheater apologist. Or maybe both.

Either way, you're just wrong, it's not a debate, or an opinion, reality doesn't care how you feel.

No, you have agreed to only have sex with each other. But you never agreed to become celibate. That was never part of the agreement, and nobody in their right mind would ever agree to that.

When you enter into a monogamous relationship and then unilaterally withdraw sex, that's a simple bait and switch. And that automatically invalidates the sexual exclusivity part of your agreement.

Nah. You agree not to fuck other people. The end. Facts are facts. Christ, cheaters really do tie themselves in knots trying to defend grubby, sleazy, creepy behaviour.

Yes but they need to properly end the existing relationship first before stepping out or if they don’t want to end the relationship, then seek their agreement. The other person decide if they want to end the relationship in that case.

Confront? This gentle parenting thing has gone way too far. They should have been playing board games anyway not on a screen. If the hard working head of the household needs a mistress to blow off steam then it’s certainly not the children’s business, so long as he earns enough money to pay for everything as the breadwinner

😂😂

Who let the troll in?

Hi @Notlivingmybestlife69
How awful for you all.

IMO it is time to bring this put into the open - you all know about it. Pretending otherwise is harmful to family relationships (trust/honesty).

Most of all, ensure your DS absolutely is told and understands this separation would not be because of him - it is because of his dad's behaviour within the marriage. Kid's take on blame. Dont let him carry that - it is on his dad's shoulders.

Yes….he needs to STEP OUT. Literally. Out of the house.

And should have had an adult conversation beforehand, rather than doing it on the sly.