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Original poster

Kids have caught DH texting on holiday

159 replies

Notlivingmybestlife69 · 16/08/2025 17:50

We're on a family holiday, DS (14) playing a game with DH on phone when he sees a thread between DH & unknown woman. He comes sobbing to me at the beach & tells his sister (17). He did not confront his dad or say that he had seen anything. I feel sick but not completely surprised, we are not happily married, bicker constantly & zero sex life for years. I remained calm & asked him he had to explain himself to the kids and left it at that. He originally denied anything and he later told them we have a "complicated relationship" & and old friend had got in touch (never head of her & we've been together for 29 years). The last time I knew of this happening was when I was last pregnant. DD also caught him watching porn in a full house recently. He clearly isn't happy & neither am I. DD says I should leave him. We haven't really spoken since the incident and now getting ready for an awkward family dinner. Needed to share as too embarrassed to share with anyone else. I feel mad & sad. Is it time to say goodbye to us?

OP posts:
HelloGreen · 29/08/2025 09:43

Mate you need to get on with it! The longer you leave things the worse it is for your children.

Driftingawaynow · 29/08/2025 09:48

Christ, watching porn without making sure kids can’t accidentally see, letting his 14 year old child have access to his phone when he knows he might see this chat? That’s not ok, he’s disgusting. Depending on the circumstances, you may even consider speaking to the police about the porn where your 17-year-old daughter was able to see, if there’s a chance he has engineered the situation.
I would be telling your kids you are sorry and appalled they have been exposed to that behaviour, aside from that I guess all you can do is get Legal Advice and potentially start sleeping in the lounge if he won’t get out but don’t let him fucking gaslight you here, on those two points alone his behaviour is utterly reprehensible.

Temporaryname158 · 29/08/2025 09:51

You say he’s your husband not partner, so the house isn’t his.

wait until he’s out and take copies of as much of his financial info as possible! So he can’t pretend he doesn’t have it.

you can issue divorce papers, you don’t need a solicitor for that.

take half of the savings from all joint accounts so you seperate as much money as you can.

then apply for universal credit if eligible and contact a solicitor, you will need them for help with the financial order.

then also apply for CMS from his wages

Cadenza12 · 29/08/2025 09:53

It does seem like you are quite prepared for the status quo to continue but have been forced to confront the state of your marriage by your children. You need to have a conversation about where you go from here. If you are married then the house belongs to both of you. In your shoes I'd be getting legal advice.

Jaws2025 · 29/08/2025 09:53

I assume when he said the house is his too, he means he doesn't have to move out as it's as much his house. OP didn't say he said the house was only his

TheignT · 29/08/2025 09:54

I didn't read it as him saying the house is just his, he's saying it is his too not just the OPs which is the truth. The house will get sold, both find somewhere to live, divorce happens and life goes on.

TheignT · 29/08/2025 09:55

Jaws2025 · 29/08/2025 09:53

I assume when he said the house is his too, he means he doesn't have to move out as it's as much his house. OP didn't say he said the house was only his

Sorry, didn't see your post before I posted but yes I agree with you.

queenMab99 · 29/08/2025 09:58

My sons knew, and didn't tell me, although I also knew, but couldnt prove it, and tried to keep it from them, until I could get my stuff in order so we could split. It messed up both my sons mental health. My younger son died at 26, and my older son is a recovering addict and alcoholic, but is happy and stable now at 49, for the first time since he was 17. If I could go back in time, I would have thrown him out at the first sign, but I thought I owed what seemed a good and happy marriage, a chance. It has taken me years to realise that he was always a selfish bastard, and I ignored the signs.

Glenthebattleostrich · 29/08/2025 10:00

I assume you have a sofa he can sleep on at night? He absolutely wouldn't be in my bed and I certainly wouldn't be moving out of my bedroom because he is a cheating POS.

Speak to a solicitor, have the house valued and inform him you are getting divorced.

Be the example your kids deserve.

GreyCarpet · 29/08/2025 10:18

Is it time to say goodbye to us?

At the point at which your children are 'sobbing', catching him watching porn and your 17 yo is telling you to end it.

What do you think?

Nanny0gg · 29/08/2025 10:18

Notlivingmybestlife69 · 29/08/2025 09:24

Thanks for all the support. I made it through he holiday by pretending he wasn't there & when we returned we had a chat - I said I wanted to separate. He wasn't remorseful, didn't fight for us or tell me he loved me, just apologised for letting me down like he was in a work meeting. He is now carrying on as if nothing has happened (said the house is his too) & I don't know how to move to the next stage. He can't afford to move out & we don't have any spare space to put him in another room.

You go and talk to a solicitor to see all your options

BunnyLake · 29/08/2025 10:19

Yes it is time to say goodbye to ‘us’. Staying together is making everyone, including your own children, unhappy. Not leaving will cause your children more harm (and possibly resentment) in the future.

If you are legally married then the house is not his it’s both of yours, it’s a joint marital asset whether he likes it or not.

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 29/08/2025 10:19

Get rid of him. Its clearly what your children want.

WhereBoomBandsarePlaying · 29/08/2025 10:26

Have you thought about what you want moving forward? Do you want to stay in the house with the kids, what can you afford? Have you checked if you would be entitled to any top up benefits and how much child maintenance he would have to pay? Would the kids want to live with you, 50/50? Work out how you will be financially and get some advice before you decide anything.

Try to keep it civil as you might have to continue living together for a while. Seems fair that he sleeps in the living room.

Vaxtable · 29/08/2025 10:44

You tell him he caused this so he leaves to friends, parents a room in a house or whatever

in the meantime he sleeps on the sofa

go and sew a solicitor and get the good old ducks in a row understand what you are entitled to and what benefits you may get if you split
tell him he can go and stay with the woman he was texting

Amuseaboosh · 29/08/2025 10:47

Notlivingmybestlife69 · 29/08/2025 09:24

Thanks for all the support. I made it through he holiday by pretending he wasn't there & when we returned we had a chat - I said I wanted to separate. He wasn't remorseful, didn't fight for us or tell me he loved me, just apologised for letting me down like he was in a work meeting. He is now carrying on as if nothing has happened (said the house is his too) & I don't know how to move to the next stage. He can't afford to move out & we don't have any spare space to put him in another room.

Put the house on the market if you can and start looking at beginning a new life.

You need to value yourself as he clearly doesn't. Do if for you and then as an example to your daughter around not being treated like crap.

You've bought 2 humans into this world, you can do this.

prh47bridge · 29/08/2025 10:51

As there is no domestic violence or abuse, it is unlikely that either of you can force the other to leave the family home. You therefore need to keep things as civil as you can (which, in all honesty, is a good idea even if one of you does move out).

Given the situation, you really need to consult a solicitor and understand what you are likely to get in divorce.

BigFatBully · 29/08/2025 10:51

Notlivingmybestlife69 · 16/08/2025 17:50

We're on a family holiday, DS (14) playing a game with DH on phone when he sees a thread between DH & unknown woman. He comes sobbing to me at the beach & tells his sister (17). He did not confront his dad or say that he had seen anything. I feel sick but not completely surprised, we are not happily married, bicker constantly & zero sex life for years. I remained calm & asked him he had to explain himself to the kids and left it at that. He originally denied anything and he later told them we have a "complicated relationship" & and old friend had got in touch (never head of her & we've been together for 29 years). The last time I knew of this happening was when I was last pregnant. DD also caught him watching porn in a full house recently. He clearly isn't happy & neither am I. DD says I should leave him. We haven't really spoken since the incident and now getting ready for an awkward family dinner. Needed to share as too embarrassed to share with anyone else. I feel mad & sad. Is it time to say goodbye to us?

It's very simple. You said yourself that you are not happy in the marriage. So, why remain married? I do believe it's actually better for the children to have two parents who are separated but happy than together and constantly arguing. He obviously doesn't respect you to be messaging other women whilst you are pregnant. I think you know the answer, and that is yes, it's time to say goodbye to the relationship. What sort of parent allows their kids to see them watching pornography? Husband needs to grow up I think.

Iocainepowder · 29/08/2025 10:53

Just please whatever you do op, make an agreement not to put your kids in the middle and make it as smooth as possible for them moving forward.

Franpie · 29/08/2025 10:55

Neither of you want to be married and you’ve been plodding along, unhappily. That can be ok for a while but now it is having an impact on your children so you need to make some changes.

Getting divorced is expensive, no way around that. Having to split one home into 2 is very difficult. But if you both agree that you need to split then there are some law firms that can give advice to you both, as a couple. I’d suggest having a chat to see if you’re both on the same page and then meeting with a solicitor to find an amicable way forward.

AugustSlippedAwayIntoAMomentInTime · 29/08/2025 10:55

The relationship is over. You told him so. He doesn't get to decide he doesn't want that and ignore you.

Get legal advice and start figuring out how to end your marriage. Get him out of your bedroom to start with if you can.

Your own DC has told you you shouldn't put up with this. You raised that DC right! Continue to set at example and show them you won't!

Poodlelove · 29/08/2025 10:57

I am so sorry.
I would tell him to go as he is disrespectful to you and your children.
Your daughter catching him watching porn is absolutely gross.Poor children.
You deserve to be happy and there are nice men out there , he is not one.

Imbusytodaysorry · 29/08/2025 11:04

Campingisnexttogodliness · 16/08/2025 17:51

He can move out
He's the one who broke his vows...

This

Meandmyguy · 29/08/2025 11:06

Poor kids.

nomas · 29/08/2025 11:08

I think you need to see a solicitor and consider how much is the house worth, what any % split of equity would look like, what can you afford on your own etc.

Don't let his attitude con you into standing still. Keep taking small steps by talking to a solicitor, your mortgage provider.

Whereabouts in the country are you roughly? Someone can recommend a family lawyer.