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Original poster

My 17yo daughter is upset I didn’t invite her on the annual family holiday

912 replies

OliveKoala · 21/04/2025 14:27

Is it reasonable I did not invite my eldest 17 year old daughter on the family holiday. She has been on every previous family holiday with us however this year as she’s is finishing with Alevels she’s booked two holidays as rewards for her efforts, her first holiday has been completely self funded, where as her second holiday I offered to pay for the flights.

Due to her already having two holidays booked I thought it’d be unfair if she came on the family holiday aswell. Unless she paid for it, which I’m aware she can’t do as her job pays extremely poorly. A few months ago we had a discussion as a family about the idea of a family holiday and briefly arose the possibility of her not coming due to it overlapping with her holidays. However no further progress was made.

This morning I booked the holiday however before I booked it I did ask her when her holidays ended, so she would be back for when the family holiday happens. However this led her to believe we wanted her back so she could join us on the holiday? However this is not the case I just didn’t want our holidays to overlap for practical reasons. Now she seems visibly hurt and has argued with me calling me unreasonable?

OP posts:
OchonAgusOchonOh · 21/04/2025 14:55

It's nothing to do with being grown up and everything to do with the relationship you have with them as they transition to adulthood.

I have 3 adult children aged 22 to 27. Once they started uni they tended to come for a week to 10 days as they worked during the holidays. Now that they have real jobs, it's a bit more adhoc. I have gone away with each individually for a few days at a time and will be doing the same again this year as we just can't sync everyone's availability for a full family holiday. They all go on holidays with friends/partners etc but they also still like to come away with us.

EJ2 · 21/04/2025 14:55

OliveKoala · 21/04/2025 14:50

She planned her holidays before we planned them family one. I feel simply that if it was important to her to spend time with us she would have asked us before making her plans

I think though that as a child, who has presumably always been on family holidays, she just wouldn’t have thought like this

I think it was up to you to say at the point where you paid for her flights that it was either/or.

MsRosewater · 21/04/2025 14:55

You sound like you resent her? Or don’t like her very much…. can’t see why else you would exclude her (and i have read your updates )

Longma · 21/04/2025 14:55

Berlinlover · 21/04/2025 14:43

I wouldn’t have thought a seventeen year old would want to holiday with their parents, they must take a lot longer to grow up these days. OP YANBU especially when she has two holidays of her own planned.

These kind of thoughts sadden me.
Why wouldn’t a teenager won’t to still be away with their family, as well as holidays with friends?

I think dd would laugh at the suggestion she didn’t want to come away with us - who turns down a free holiday to a nice location, and quite likely staying in nice accommodation, eating better food, etc than when they go on a mates trip?!

We all love spending time together - why is that odd?
Surely it’s fabulous that so many teens and young adults still enjoy spending time with their family?

Absolutely nothing to do with not growing up! All about having a great relationship within the family.

BlueSpikeyPearls · 21/04/2025 14:55

OliveKoala · 21/04/2025 14:36

Yes but she will be leaving to got Uni in September and she spends the weekends at her boyfriends. So she is only around 5/7 days of the week

What are you doing?

You make yourself look worse with each post. You come across as trying to punish your daughter for becoming more independent.

Surely, she is still part of the "family". So that means that a ¨family"-holiday, would include her as well. She is only 17 and still living at home and you are acting like she is not part of the family anymore.

Put yourself in her shoes. If one of your parents had done this to you at 17, would you not have felt incredibly hurt?

rainbowstardrops · 21/04/2025 14:56

Wow. So just because she’s booked two celebratory holidays, you didn’t think it was fair to invite her to the family holiday?
I do hope this is made up because you sound bloody awful!

anothercookie · 21/04/2025 14:56

She’s 17. She’s a minor. And of course at that age she went ahead and booked her holidays with friends. You’ve probably scarred her for life with this. And - why wouldn’t you want your daughter there on a family holiday??

DorothyStorm · 21/04/2025 14:56

OatFlatWhiteForMe · 21/04/2025 14:50

Not only mean but cruel.

This.

you are being very mean.

BoldRed · 21/04/2025 14:56

You sound as if you dislike and resent her and are punishing her. Her crime seems to be being a normal, hardworking teenager planning the best summer of her life, with no exams on the horizon and no studying to do after the intensity of GCSEs, A levels and university applications. Don’t you want her to have a big, fulfilled, happy and adventurous life? I am thrilled that my daughters love to travel.

boysmuminherts · 21/04/2025 14:56

We had the same discussion in our family this year. My son (same age, 18 finishing 6th form in June) was invited on the family holiday but he declined due to preferring to holiday with his friends. And didn't want to miss any more work.

PrimalLass · 21/04/2025 14:57

Sounds like you are shunting her out of the family group. I'm desperate to keep holidaying with my teens as long as possible.

Longma · 21/04/2025 14:57

Newmeagain · 21/04/2025 14:49

Yes, this. My dd is 19 and we are planning lots of holidays that we want to do together in the future.

Show quote history

yes! Despite being older and independent, having just got home from this year’s bug holiday she is already planning ideas for next year with us!

TiggyTomCat · 21/04/2025 14:57

Sounds to me that you have already decided that you don't want her to come with you - only 3% agree with you. Family time and holidays are precious memories being made and at her age there probably won't be many more opportunities. No way would I exclude mine from any family holiday whatever other plans they have. Time with them is all too short and precious. Rethink.

murasaki · 21/04/2025 14:57

It sounds like you specifically booked it knowing her dates so she can look after the house. I hope she has a party. Lots of parties.

TwentyKittens · 21/04/2025 14:57

OliveKoala · 21/04/2025 14:50

She planned her holidays before we planned them family one. I feel simply that if it was important to her to spend time with us she would have asked us before making her plans

So you're punishing her. How lovely.

OchonAgusOchonOh · 21/04/2025 14:58

OliveKoala · 21/04/2025 14:50

She planned her holidays before we planned them family one. I feel simply that if it was important to her to spend time with us she would have asked us before making her plans

You are coming across worse and worse with each update.

This is the age that your adult relationship with your child is set. By making her feel unwanted you are likely to develop quite a distant adult relationship. Is that what you want?

Roselilly36 · 21/04/2025 14:58

That is a bit mean not to have a discussion about it, before you booked, no wonder she is upset, especially as she naturally assumed due to the enquiry of when she was back, she would be travelling on the family trip.

My two sons are adults, they always come on a family holiday, paid by us once a year. They would be really upset not to be invited, and I would never exclude one of my adult children, if they didn’t want to come fair enough.

UnstableMonkey · 21/04/2025 14:58

Very cruel OP. Be happy she wants to spend time with you. She is 17, and is already paying for a holiday of her own. That is not bad. I can’t imagine treating my kids like this.

Perimenoanti · 21/04/2025 14:58

How are paid flights and not being invited to the family holiday a reward for her A levels?

It's the kind of question a mother would ask and wonder 20 years later why the daughter doesn't want any contact.

I bet this is just the tip of the iceberg. The poor daughter.

ShowOfHands · 21/04/2025 14:58

My DD is 18 next month and doing A Levels. It wouldn't remotely cross my mind to exclude her from the family holiday.

She'd be utterly gutted to think she wasn't automatically included.

Your poor dd.

TomatoSandwiches · 21/04/2025 14:59

OliveKoala · 21/04/2025 14:50

She planned her holidays before we planned them family one. I feel simply that if it was important to her to spend time with us she would have asked us before making her plans

Ah, There We Are Then.

theDudesmummy · 21/04/2025 14:59

@boysmuminherts that isn't the same, he was given a choice as he could only manage the one holiday. The op's DD hasn't made any decision, she is being cruelly punished for daring to want to go on a trip with friends.

ilovemyfriends · 21/04/2025 15:00

My children were always invited when they were that age . They didn’t always come out of choice. I holidayed with my 28 and 24 year old last year in Canada.

Longma · 21/04/2025 15:00

boysmuminherts · 21/04/2025 14:56

We had the same discussion in our family this year. My son (same age, 18 finishing 6th form in June) was invited on the family holiday but he declined due to preferring to holiday with his friends. And didn't want to miss any more work.

But that’s not what the OP has done.
There has been no discussion. OP’s DD hasn’t been asked or invited; she is simply not wanted there - and it seems she isn’t wanted because she has dared to also have time away with friends.

Itisjustmyopinion · 21/04/2025 15:00

OliveKoala · 21/04/2025 14:41

It’s not that I can’t fund it . I just think she doesn’t need to go on the family holiday if she already has two other holidays booked.

Wow what a way to push her out the family