My 17yo daughter is upset I didn’t invite her on the annual family holiday

[OliveKoala]

Is it reasonable I did not invite my eldest 17 year old daughter on the family holiday. She has been on every previous family holiday with us however this year as she’s is finishing with Alevels she’s booked two holidays as rewards for her efforts, her first holiday has been completely self funded, where as her second holiday I offered to pay for the flights.

Due to her already having two holidays booked I thought it’d be unfair if she came on the family holiday aswell. Unless she paid for it, which I’m aware she can’t do as her job pays extremely poorly. A few months ago we had a discussion as a family about the idea of a family holiday and briefly arose the possibility of her not coming due to it overlapping with her holidays. However no further progress was made.

This morning I booked the holiday however before I booked it I did ask her when her holidays ended, so she would be back for when the family holiday happens. However this led her to believe we wanted her back so she could join us on the holiday? However this is not the case I just didn’t want our holidays to overlap for practical reasons. Now she seems visibly hurt and has argued with me calling me unreasonable?

I feel OP's family definitely has scapegoat/golden child dynamics. It's very sad for the daughter.

She’s 17. She’s got a part time job. You should have invited her

”it’s not that I can’t fund it” makes it even worse.

No surprise she spends weekends at her boyfriends. Hopefully he has a lovely family who include her.

Wow I had my best childhood family holiday when I was 17. I still remember it so fondly and I'm now 39! You sound so mean and uncaring towards your daughter. Why would you need "boundaries" and purposely exclude her from a family vacation? Don't be surprised when she goes low/no contact with you as an adult.

In a few years you’ll be one of the people posting wondering why adult DD takes little to do with you & this kind of thing will be exactly why. How sad that you wouldn’t want the opportunity for another family holiday with her.

I haven't rtft. But I will do.
My initial conclusion of this is:

1. She funded one holiday - this is her spending her own money, no different than her saving up to buy a car, and this is no ones business. HER BUSINESS.

1. As a reward for Alevels, you funded her flights on another second holiday. - this is her reward for a job well done, instead of a new wardrobe or a gift of cash, for instance, she chose have that reward spent on flights for a holiday. REWARD

1. Then, completely separately, there is a family holiday. - is that to reward your other children /yourself? Did they also pass exams? Why did they/ yourself get rewarded with this? Did you do something amazing? No?

So if this is just a standard holiday you all take every year, then i honestly can not see why she cannot be included and attend the family holiday?
As this is completely separate to the first two points (self funded holiday, and reward for exams).
Maybe the thought of her having 3 holidays is the sore point?
Forget that it's holidays and take them as separate points.

1 - self funded treat (it could have been a CAR OR NEW WARDROBE).
2 - money as a CASH REWARD (happened to be spent on flights).
3 - FAMILY holiday, that is standard. Do not exclude her.

The points all all separate, they just happen to have holidays in common.

YABU in my opinion.

Yeah there’s probably a reason for that. Have you looked in a mirror?

@Littlejellyuk makes some really good points @OliveKoala

YABVU OP. Why does it matter if she has other holidays arranged? Family holidays are an oppurtunity to spend quality time with loved ones, there's no reason grown children should ever stop joining family holidays! I'm over 30, married, with my own house and go on quite a lot of trips with friends/DH, but I always make time for holidays with my family as well, even if just staycations.

Several posters have suggested that in a few years the op will be posting that she doesn't understand why she has no relationship with her daughter. The very sad thing is it appears from her attitude to her daughter that she won't really care.

We have a 17 year old and a 23 year old daughter. They both live at home, 23 year old works and earns good money. She’s coming on the family holiday but is paying for her flights. We are footing the bill for the 5 star resort and meals out. OP, I think you’re out of line. We had a couple of city breaks while 23 yr old was busy at uni but she still came to the family holidays.

OP is long gone. Clearly a troll

The poster has been around for a little while, I've had course to note some of her posts🙇🏻‍♀️🙇🏻‍♀️

But that doesn't mean she's not a troll and I actually hope she is because then there's not a real 17-year-old being treated like this.

If the poor girl does exist, I just want to scoop her up & show her the love she needs. Hopefully she's getting that from her boyfriend and his family.

Wow! My daughter is 24 and has around 8 holidays/weekends away booked with friends & boyfriend this year. She is still coming on the family holiday. It’s a privilege to spend time with our children. I feel so sorry for this child

Jesus christ, she's still in your family! I went on family holidays right through uni until I didn't want to go anymore..... It'd be different if you'd paid for all her other hols but you've only paid 1 set of flights, so I really don't think that's an excuse. She'll be an adult soon, what kind of relationship do you want. Hopefully when you're 85 and fancy a trip to the coast but your pension won't stretch that far, she won't bring this situation back up!! She'd be within her rights to assume you don't like or want her company and to cut you off

Wow! This is incredibly mean and hurtful of you. She is a child that still lives at home as part of your family. She’s saved up her own money from working outside of working hard for her A levels to pay for a well earned treat for herself. Wouldn’t you have even wanted to treat her and include her? She won’t be living at home for long and you’ll regret it. But the harm is probably done already by your mean spiritedness. I feel very sorry for her.

Any update? Hopefully the DS has told her Mum to eff all the way off and decided holiday with her boyfriend's family.

oops! DD I mean

"...are you angry at your daughter or resent her for something?"

Or jealous of her?

I have to say as someone whose 27 year old still comes away with us twice a year I cannot imagine not inviting my child to come away with us.
I think by asking when they would be back you’ve implied they would be coming with you and can understand why they’re upset.
I'm super grateful my eldest still likes to come with us as a family :)
At 17 they should still be 100% in your family plans not excluded, and the fact they're going away independently should not be a reason why you haven't invited them, surely this year is a treat and exception for finishing exams.
This could have far reaching consequences for your relationship going forward.
I feel really sorry for her being treated like that.

I don’t usually comment, but this really struck me. I’ve got younger kids, and even now I can feel how quickly the years are flying by.

At 17, she’s studying for her A-levels, holding down a part-time job, and even saving for her own holiday? That’s an incredible amount of maturity and responsibility. Honestly, she should be celebrated for that, not punished. These moments together are fleeting. One day the house will be quiet, and it might be too late to change your mind.

What a twat thing to do. You didn't even tell her she wasn't going on it and just expected her to know. She's a kid, your kid, she's been on every family holiday and now that she's saved for a holiday independently she's what? Not family anymore? Why do some of you have kids if you don't even care for them as your own once they start ti do things for themselves. You didn't even wait til she was 18 before declaring she's on her own.

Wow...