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Original poster

My 17yo daughter is upset I didn’t invite her on the annual family holiday

912 replies

OliveKoala · 21/04/2025 14:27

Is it reasonable I did not invite my eldest 17 year old daughter on the family holiday. She has been on every previous family holiday with us however this year as she’s is finishing with Alevels she’s booked two holidays as rewards for her efforts, her first holiday has been completely self funded, where as her second holiday I offered to pay for the flights.

Due to her already having two holidays booked I thought it’d be unfair if she came on the family holiday aswell. Unless she paid for it, which I’m aware she can’t do as her job pays extremely poorly. A few months ago we had a discussion as a family about the idea of a family holiday and briefly arose the possibility of her not coming due to it overlapping with her holidays. However no further progress was made.

This morning I booked the holiday however before I booked it I did ask her when her holidays ended, so she would be back for when the family holiday happens. However this led her to believe we wanted her back so she could join us on the holiday? However this is not the case I just didn’t want our holidays to overlap for practical reasons. Now she seems visibly hurt and has argued with me calling me unreasonable?

OP posts:
Ellie1015 · 21/04/2025 15:00

As it is not a financial decision and she is back then i am surprised you would not invite her. I can understand why she is hurt. I would absolutely want my 17 year old to join although I would understand if she is not available.

If it was too expensive then fair enough as she has too holidays, but you should have communicated that carefully when asking about her return date.

HumanRightsAreHumanRights · 21/04/2025 15:01

You'll be on here in a few years time OP, wondering why your adult daughter is too busy with her own life to make time for you.

She is still a child at school right now and you are showing her you no longer consider her part of the family.

HoppingPavlova · 21/04/2025 15:01

I have adult kids so have been there, done that with end of school celebrations/holidays etc. No idea why you think holidays must be rationed so she can’t go on the family one also, that’s bonkers. I’m suspecting you want her to look after dog/cat to save fee’s on kennels or something as doesn’t make any sense at all otherwise. Kids don’t want to go on holiday with you forever, so why try and cut that short??

Pickledpeanuts · 21/04/2025 15:01

OliveKoala · 21/04/2025 14:41

It’s not that I can’t fund it . I just think she doesn’t need to go on the family holiday if she already has two other holidays booked.

This does seem really miserable. Your communication with her around the holidays seems poor, but I just can't understand the reasoning. Who sets the "two holidays a year" limit? What if one was in October? Does it have to be abroad to count against her inclusion in the family holidays?

If you couldn't afford it, fair enough and that would mean a conversation about coming on the family holiday vs paying for the second set of flights. The scenario as you described it though reads like she's being punished for something.

ilovemyfriends · 21/04/2025 15:01

Is this a reverse?

Perimenoanti · 21/04/2025 15:01

OliveKoala · 21/04/2025 14:50

She planned her holidays before we planned them family one. I feel simply that if it was important to her to spend time with us she would have asked us before making her plans

Is this how you interpret this? That's just sad and says a lot about you. She's not responsible for making you feel important enough. Own up to your mistake (and all the other mistakes) or be prepared to loose her one day.

Upstartled · 21/04/2025 15:01

Itisjustmyopinion · 21/04/2025 15:00

Wow what a way to push her out the family

Show quote history

Right? Don't let the door hit you on the way out, pet.

carrotycrumble · 21/04/2025 15:01

So you're punishing her. Good luck with that.

Notsolongthistime · 21/04/2025 15:01

Sometimes I read a thread and the OP’s approach to their children is so wildly different to my own that we might as well be different species.

Im going to guess you and your daughter aren’t close op

Fingernailbiter · 21/04/2025 15:02

YABU. Why did it seem unfair that she should come? If you mean it was because you were already paying for another of her holidays, did you make it clear when you agreed to that, that you would pay for that or her coming in the family holiday but not both?

Why does there need to be a limit on her holidays?

Most parents would be delighted that their teenager still wanted to come on holiday with them.

Original poster
OliveKoala · 21/04/2025 15:02

Well the second last family holiday we booked, she was in her coat 24/7 and when we didn’t have family activities booked in the evening she stayed in the hotel room. Granted at our last holiday she spent a lot of quality time with us but this is more like our previous holiday where she was wearing a coat most the time! 😂

OP posts:
2024onwardsandup · 21/04/2025 15:02

OliveKoala · 21/04/2025 14:50

She planned her holidays before we planned them family one. I feel simply that if it was important to her to spend time with us she would have asked us before making her plans

I can guarantee you that after this spending time with you will be of no importance to her

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 21/04/2025 15:02

This is genuinely awful - what were you thinking.

DS1 is a postgrad back at home after 3 years undergrad and we are funding a sports tour and a holiday for him. We are also funding a post A level break for DS2.

I am going to see if I can fit in a family holiday in Sept when DS1 finishes his masters before DS2 goes off to Uni.

Don’t send your young adult DC the message that they are no longer part of the family; they might just believe you.

Notsolongthistime · 21/04/2025 15:02

OP, it would be wise to introduce her to the Stately Homes thread sooner rather than later

Perimenoanti · 21/04/2025 15:03

OliveKoala · 21/04/2025 15:02

Well the second last family holiday we booked, she was in her coat 24/7 and when we didn’t have family activities booked in the evening she stayed in the hotel room. Granted at our last holiday she spent a lot of quality time with us but this is more like our previous holiday where she was wearing a coat most the time! 😂

The more you say the weirder it gets. You don't even like your daughter, do you?

I want to give her a massive hug.

Ellie1015 · 21/04/2025 15:03

Eh? She cant come cos she wears a coat?

Topseyt123 · 21/04/2025 15:03

OliveKoala · 21/04/2025 14:36

Yes but she will be leaving to got Uni in September and she spends the weekends at her boyfriends. So she is only around 5/7 days of the week

That's all the more reason why she should be going on this final family holiday before uni with you. You really don't know how many more she will go on with you so should be making the best of it. Your communication around it was also piss poor.

You've been extremely mean, cruel and unreasonable. It's no wonder she's so hurt. You owe her a massive apology and you need to rebook the holiday to include her.

Poor girl. I'd have been utterly devastated at that age if my parents had done anything like this!

eatreadsleeprepeat · 21/04/2025 15:03

OliveKoala · 21/04/2025 14:36

Yes but she will be leaving to got Uni in September and she spends the weekends at her boyfriends. So she is only around 5/7 days of the week

All the more reason to include her surely, this may be a last time you can get everyone together to go away.

Original poster
OliveKoala · 21/04/2025 15:03

I couldn’t communicate the return date carefully because I asked her brother to ask her boyfriend when they would be returning. It’s not my fault her boyfriend told her about that conversation.

OP posts:
thepariscrimefiles · 21/04/2025 15:03

OliveKoala · 21/04/2025 14:50

She planned her holidays before we planned them family one. I feel simply that if it was important to her to spend time with us she would have asked us before making her plans

So who else is going on your family holiday and where are you going?

You say that she has completely self-funded one holiday and you are paying for the flights for her second holiday, but obviously not accommodation. I presume that you are paying more per person for the family holiday than you paid for her flights. If you were fully funding her second holiday, I would be more sympathetic to your point of view, but I can see why she is hurt.

If she is available and still part of the family because she hasn't left home yet, it does seem mean to leave her out without prior discussion and agreement.

murasaki · 21/04/2025 15:03

OliveKoala · 21/04/2025 15:02

Well the second last family holiday we booked, she was in her coat 24/7 and when we didn’t have family activities booked in the evening she stayed in the hotel room. Granted at our last holiday she spent a lot of quality time with us but this is more like our previous holiday where she was wearing a coat most the time! 😂

This makes no sense, what's wrong with wearing a coat? And given you haven't gone yet, you don't know if this one will be the same.

ILoveMyWeeds · 21/04/2025 15:04

OliveKoala · 21/04/2025 14:50

She planned her holidays before we planned them family one. I feel simply that if it was important to her to spend time with us she would have asked us before making her plans

Sounds like you’re punishing her for not prioritising your plans even though you didn’t actually have any at the time she booked her holidays. Also sounds like you planned yours for a time when she could have gone so you could deliberately not invite her

LikeSeriously · 21/04/2025 15:04

I am quite shocked at the responses. A 17 year old is getting two holidays one partly funded by parents and then needs another holiday! No doubt there will be mass expenditure if this teen goes to uni in September. My DD is the same age and is going on two trips abroad this summer with friends. She wouldn’t even have the annual leave to come on a family holiday as well as these trips. I don’t even know at this stage if we will even get a holiday due to uni costs in September. As working parents we don’t get three holidays in the summer🙈

Searchingforthelight · 21/04/2025 15:04

You just don't want her company
It's not a 'family ' holiday really then

Really mean
But you'll reap the results of your poor attitude in due course

SendBooksAndTea · 21/04/2025 15:04

OliveKoala · 21/04/2025 15:02

Well the second last family holiday we booked, she was in her coat 24/7 and when we didn’t have family activities booked in the evening she stayed in the hotel room. Granted at our last holiday she spent a lot of quality time with us but this is more like our previous holiday where she was wearing a coat most the time! 😂

@OliveKoala What do your other children feel about this? Is your dh going, how does he feel about her being left out? Whole thing seems absolutely ridiculously cruel to me.