Page 7 | Ex partner wants to take the kids to Spain for 3 nights

sunshinecm · 2025-03-03T17:33:37+00:00

It would be great to get some advice from folks on here who have allowed their kids to travel abroad with their ex-partner. I am dubious that a trip abroad with two children is safe when travelling as a single adult. My children are 5 and 7. They have a great relationship with their Dad, which has grown strong after our separation. They enjoy staying with him, regularly he takes them for 48 hours on alternating weekends. However, I am not comfortable with them flying abroad. It's just not safe for one adult to take young kids out of the UK on their own. I have taken them abroad, but I have had myself and someone else with me to support. I have suggested a UK holiday instead. The kids are absolutely desparate to go to Legoland or to Cbeebies world. I have suggested that if it's important for him to take a plane with the kids, he could fly to England from Scotland. This is a big compromise for me as 1-2 nights in Central Scotland is by far what I would have been most comfortable with. I extended that though because I want an amicable relationship with him. Has anyone else had to go through this?

thinktwice36 · 05/03/2025 07:11

He is their parent too. Unreasonable to give a checklist of demands before he does spends time with them.

Did he ask you to do a risk assessment for everything you do with them?

ArabellaWeird · 05/03/2025 07:24

When I want to take my DC on holiday I text my exH the dates, not the destination or any other detail. He says no problem, I say great thanks. That's it. And vice versa. Because we are not in control of what the other does when the children are with them.

I do not get to prescribe what they eat, where they go for days out, who they hang out with, this is not because I don't care, or because I don't wonder where they are, or worry if they're ok. Far, far from it. I deal with those difficult feelings because I would not accept him controlling my time with them in the same way.

I understand this is really difficult, it is the hardest thing I have ever done. But, what goes one way, comes the other, and if there was ever a case for picking your battles, it's parenting with an ex.

PixelatedLunchbox · 05/03/2025 07:30

OP: he's an adult. He's their father. He has as much right to his children as you do. Every "rule" or "suggestion" you want to impose on him, sit back and examine how you'd feel if he did the same to you.

Worrying about our children is normal, but disrespecting the other parent's rights to their own children and/or their ability to parent them (without concrete cause) is unnecessary.

zazazoop · 05/03/2025 07:40

You can't dictate if he goes solo or with another adult.

EliflurtleAndTheInfiniteMadness · 05/03/2025 07:50

The issue here is your anxiety/worry about him doing something which is completely normal for a parent to do. XH took our 3 kids overseas for a week, he's not exactly a great dad and they all have SN, did I particularly like it no, would it have been OK for my anxieties to control what my kids could do with their dad, no it wouldn't.

Travels with another adult and knowing who it is so I can talk to the kids about it - completely unreasonable
Knowing the flight times and hotel name - yes
3 nights ideally - no
Getting one text a day to let me know how it’s going on the holiday - ok as long as you do the same on holiday
Letting me know when they have boarded the flight on the way home - probably OK

Wobblemonster · 05/03/2025 08:15

They are his children too. You are being incredibly unreasonable it’s baffling that you can’t actually see that.

HowardTJMoon · 05/03/2025 12:11

Insisting that he takes another adult with him isn't a "small thing", it's a huge change. And would you accept him picking just anyone to accompany him, or would it have to be someone you know and approve of?

Insisting that it's only for three days is also a massive and unjustified restriction and trying to pass it off as a "small thing" is deeply unreasonable.

Asking for hotel and flight details are indeed small things. But you can't insist.

InveterateWineDrinker · 05/03/2025 12:29

This is your life now. You need to normalise things like this for the sake of the kids, before all your neuroses rub off on them.

CornishDew · 05/03/2025 12:35

Just because you think you cannot cope with parenting your children solo in another country, doesn’t mean your ex can’t.

You can’t restrict measures on their time with their children, who they travel with and to where. That’s trying to control them

Honestly though, if you can parent your children solo in the UK, you can do it in another country too. I think you need to learn that you are a capable, independent adult who can travel without needing another adult

Original poster

sunshinecm · 05/03/2025 12:41

If I can just clarify why I feel this way, it's because other adults make the trip far far safer. If for example he became ill with food poisoning or flu, then it's impossible for him to look after such young children. The consequences of that would be so stressful! What if the kids had an accident? Having to deal with that solo would be so difficult!

I know a number of people who have needed medical attention on holiday or whose children have needed medical attention. This is why I would not travel abroad with two children on my own.

When we were together on holiday during the relationship, he would seem down and would struggle mentally with the trip.

Maybe if he's unwilling to provide the details I should go through lawyers? Would that be the fairest way to deal with it?

OP posts:

DaisyChain505 · 05/03/2025 12:43

sunshinecm · 05/03/2025 12:41

If I can just clarify why I feel this way, it's because other adults make the trip far far safer. If for example he became ill with food poisoning or flu, then it's impossible for him to look after such young children. The consequences of that would be so stressful! What if the kids had an accident? Having to deal with that solo would be so difficult!

I know a number of people who have needed medical attention on holiday or whose children have needed medical attention. This is why I would not travel abroad with two children on my own.

When we were together on holiday during the relationship, he would seem down and would struggle mentally with the trip.

Maybe if he's unwilling to provide the details I should go through lawyers? Would that be the fairest way to deal with it?

Just because you personally prefer to travel with another adult does not mean you get to dictate or suggest your ex does.

He is a fully grown adult and is an equal parent to your children. He is allowed to decide what he does and who he does it with. This is none of your business.

Stop trying to control everything.

Moglet4 · 05/03/2025 12:45

sunshinecm · 05/03/2025 12:41

If I can just clarify why I feel this way, it's because other adults make the trip far far safer. If for example he became ill with food poisoning or flu, then it's impossible for him to look after such young children. The consequences of that would be so stressful! What if the kids had an accident? Having to deal with that solo would be so difficult!

I know a number of people who have needed medical attention on holiday or whose children have needed medical attention. This is why I would not travel abroad with two children on my own.

When we were together on holiday during the relationship, he would seem down and would struggle mentally with the trip.

Maybe if he's unwilling to provide the details I should go through lawyers? Would that be the fairest way to deal with it?

I don’t think you’re listening. You don’t have a leg to stand on. You are being totally and utterly unreasonable. You make the decision not to travel alone for yourself - but you have no right to demand the same of him. If you go ‘via lawyers’ you’re just going to have them rubbing their hands in glee for getting paid for doing nothing - because there nothing they can do. You would be laughed out of court.

HowardTJMoon · 05/03/2025 12:45

Unless you can present evidence of a clear and present danger to the children by him taking them on holiday by himself then I'd hope a lawyer would advise you that you're on a hiding to nothing. And, no, him getting a bit down when he was on holiday with you is not going to reach that high bar.

You're trying to make your anxieties his problem. Your anxieties are your problem to deal with, not for him to try to assuage.

SomewhereinSuberbia · 05/03/2025 12:46

I took my 2 small children to France and it was a lovely trip, I'm sure that he will be fine, stop stressing.

Glorybox2025 · 05/03/2025 12:46

sunshinecm · 05/03/2025 12:41

If I can just clarify why I feel this way, it's because other adults make the trip far far safer. If for example he became ill with food poisoning or flu, then it's impossible for him to look after such young children. The consequences of that would be so stressful! What if the kids had an accident? Having to deal with that solo would be so difficult!

I know a number of people who have needed medical attention on holiday or whose children have needed medical attention. This is why I would not travel abroad with two children on my own.

When we were together on holiday during the relationship, he would seem down and would struggle mentally with the trip.

Maybe if he's unwilling to provide the details I should go through lawyers? Would that be the fairest way to deal with it?

You'd lose, and make yourself look ridiculous.

Jolpie · 05/03/2025 12:47

@sunshinecm look I don’t know you, but you are very resistant to any of the feedback given to you so far, do you think that your extreme anxiety and doom mongering and rigidity could be part of the problem? Why did you separate? You do not sound like a fun person to be on holiday with if you think everyone is going to suddenly die. Food poisoning in Spain is low risk. There are doctors in Spain, police and hospital workers and people speak English, the first thing they would do in an event of an issue is check everyone’s passport details and contact NOK. If he has insurance then this will also provide assistance if he needs it. Apart from seeming to be miserable on holiday with you, what other grave concerns do you have about his health? Is he unwell a lot? Prone to eating unhygienic street foods?

PotteringAlonggotkickedoutandhadtoreregister · 05/03/2025 12:48

No, the fairest way to deal with it is to say:

“I hope you all have a lovely time, take lots of photos and tell me all about it when you get back” and to let them go.

NotTheDebtDoctorWithTheHungryScalpel · 05/03/2025 12:49

sunshinecm · 05/03/2025 12:41

If I can just clarify why I feel this way, it's because other adults make the trip far far safer. If for example he became ill with food poisoning or flu, then it's impossible for him to look after such young children. The consequences of that would be so stressful! What if the kids had an accident? Having to deal with that solo would be so difficult!

I know a number of people who have needed medical attention on holiday or whose children have needed medical attention. This is why I would not travel abroad with two children on my own.

When we were together on holiday during the relationship, he would seem down and would struggle mentally with the trip.

Maybe if he's unwilling to provide the details I should go through lawyers? Would that be the fairest way to deal with it?

That will be expensive and the courts won't ask him to meet your demands anyway, and you'll be ruining a perfectly good coparenting arrangement for what? Your own paranoia. Single parents cope all the time.

InsegnanteScozzese · 05/03/2025 13:00

What if you both adults got unwell? Maybe he should take a third adult just in case?

People don't live their lives on these what ifs. I get it's not easy but he's doing nothing out of the ordinary. Your anxiety is your problem to fix, not his.

Do not go through lawyers. If he has parental responsibility you will lose and damage your relationship not to mention looking daft.

balzamico · 05/03/2025 13:09

Can I just mention that other adults can also be a distraction and not make it safer at all.
You are being unreasonable and transmitting your fears, I think your other t&cs sound reasonable, especially him taking them swimming locally first

izzygirlis4 · 05/03/2025 13:14

A court is not going to agree to your demands.
They are unreasonable.
He is a father and is perfectly capable of parenting them. The court would probably allow him to go for 2 weeks.
If shit happens then he'll have to deal with it.

ArabellaWeird · 05/03/2025 13:24

A court wouldn't rule in your favour because what your requesting is unreasonable.

You're not listening.

InveterateWineDrinker · 05/03/2025 13:33

I know a number of people who have needed medical attention on holiday or whose children have needed medical attention. This is why I would not travel abroad with two children on my own.

This is batshit.

Spanish resort staff, police and social services are extremely well-versed in looking after British kids when their parents become incapacitated, usually because of alcohol.

Besides which, you know single parents and their kids get sick in the UK too, don't you?

HaddyAbrams · 05/03/2025 13:39

sunshinecm · 05/03/2025 12:41

If I can just clarify why I feel this way, it's because other adults make the trip far far safer. If for example he became ill with food poisoning or flu, then it's impossible for him to look after such young children. The consequences of that would be so stressful! What if the kids had an accident? Having to deal with that solo would be so difficult!

I know a number of people who have needed medical attention on holiday or whose children have needed medical attention. This is why I would not travel abroad with two children on my own.

When we were together on holiday during the relationship, he would seem down and would struggle mentally with the trip.

Maybe if he's unwilling to provide the details I should go through lawyers? Would that be the fairest way to deal with it?

But that could all happen on a UK holiday too. Only difference being that you could (presumably) get to them easier in the UK.
I've been a single parent for the best part of 17 years. I can count on 1 hand how many times I've been so ill I've called for backup. And, if that back-up (my mum) wasn't 20 mins away I would have found a way to cope.

bluegreen89 · 05/03/2025 13:44

The following is reasonable:

Knowing the flight times and hotel name
Getting one text a day to let me know how it’s going on the holiday (although only if you are willing to return the favour if you take the kids away)
Letting me know when they have boarded the flight on the way home

The rest is unreasonable and you might need to seek therapy to understand your behaviour and thought process - you sound controlling and untrusting and unless there is a solid reason you don't trust ex's parenting skills, then you need to let go. Perhaps you are jealous? Subconsciously trying to punish ex? Martyr to the mental load? Try to put yourself in his shoes, imagine if he was saying all of this rubbish to you!

RE: the swimming. If you truly have concerns he is going to leave them to swim alone (madness so I doubt it), you could say "I'm not sure they have armbands etc that fit anymore btw, just a heads up".