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Original poster

Ex partner wants to take the kids to Spain for 3 nights

200 replies

sunshinecm · 03/03/2025 17:33

It would be great to get some advice from folks on here who have allowed their kids to travel abroad with their ex-partner. I am dubious that a trip abroad with two children is safe when travelling as a single adult.

My children are 5 and 7. They have a great relationship with their Dad, which has grown strong after our separation. They enjoy staying with him, regularly he takes them for 48 hours on alternating weekends.

However, I am not comfortable with them flying abroad. It's just not safe for one adult to take young kids out of the UK on their own. I have taken them abroad, but I have had myself and someone else with me to support.

I have suggested a UK holiday instead. The kids are absolutely desparate to go to Legoland or to Cbeebies world. I have suggested that if it's important for him to take a plane with the kids, he could fly to England from Scotland.

This is a big compromise for me as 1-2 nights in Central Scotland is by far what I would have been most comfortable with. I extended that though because I want an amicable relationship with him.

Has anyone else had to go through this?

OP posts:
NeverDropYourMooncup · 04/03/2025 19:17

sunshinecm · 04/03/2025 17:55

Thank you everyone for your replies. I wasn't expecting so many! I'll have to admit it was a difficult read. I have been thinking it over today and thinking I should not stand in the way of the trip. But I think there are a few small things that would really help to get me comfortable. Please tell me what you think and please be kind

  • Travels with another adult and knowing who it is so I can talk to the kids about it
  • Knowing the flight times and hotel name
  • 3 nights ideally
  • Getting one text a day to let me know how it’s going on the holiday
  • Letting me know when they have boarded the flight on the way home

He hasn't taken them swimming for sometime either, so I think it would be good for him to take them swimming a few times before they go so that he understands their swimming ability.

I feel like that is quite reasonable because that way the kids get the holiday and I know that they're safe.

  • Travels with another adult and knowing who it is so I can talk to the kids about it unreasonable, unreasonable and unreasonable
  • Knowing the flight times and hotel name not unreasonable but of no benefit to you - he doesn't need you to trying to contact the hotel demanding to know if the children are still alive
  • 3 nights ideally unreasonable
  • Getting one text a day to let me know how it’s going on the holiday you're just going to want more information
  • Letting me know when they have boarded the flight on the way home unreasonable

He hasn't taken them swimming for sometime either, so I think it would be good for him to take them swimming a few times before they go unreasonable

His time with his children is his time, and the children's time with their father is their time, not yours to make you feel better. Keeping in contact won't stop you worrying, it'll mean he spends his time with his children on answering to you.

Leave him (and them) alone to enjoy their holiday.

SD1978 · 04/03/2025 19:18

You can't force him to take someone else with him. The rest of your requests are quite reasonable, but you need to drop that one. If he went to court, he'd win. You can't force him to take a chaperone of your choice- which is what you're saying as you want it to be an adult you know. Wanting to know how they are and where they are staying is fine.

JustGotToKeepOnKeepingOn · 04/03/2025 19:18

Your list is totally unreasonable. I get it. I've handed my DD over to Ex and not heard anything for days on end and it's hard. But he's their dad and is perfectly capable of taking them on holiday.

You insisting on constant updates is unnecessary and potentially ruins the holiday for your children. They won't want to stop what they're doing to give updates to you.

If this was the other way around you'd be fuming that your ex was demanding things from you when you were on holiday.

Why don't you take advantage of the children being away and take a break yourself?

GreenCandleWax · 04/03/2025 19:29

He will be more focused on your DC if he does not another adult with them.

CurlewKate · 04/03/2025 19:34

@sunshinecm Why do you think it isn't safe? Specifically?

Kahless · 04/03/2025 19:39

Travels with another adult and knowing who it is so I can talk to the kids about it no - he is an adult

Knowing the flight times and hotel name no problem

3 nights ideally i think this is a bit controlling

Getting one text a day to let me know how it’s going on the holiday he could do this as a courtesy, but seriously, you trusted this man to have children with him... He is an adult

Letting me know when they have boarded the flight on the way home again, he's adult, he could let you know, but I think with all of these contact things, no news is good news. Let him go and enjoy the holiday with his children

Kahless · 04/03/2025 19:40

BitOutOfPractice · 04/03/2025 19:03

No op you cannot demand he takes another person with him. You cannot demand he does practice swims with them beforehand.

you could say “sounds fabulous but I’d really appreciate it if you kept in touch while you’re away because you know I’ll be missing them. I hope you all have a wonderful time”.

This!! This is what you should do!

Strokethefurrywall · 04/03/2025 19:41

Wait. You'd be more comfortable with him taking a presumably "unknown to you and your children" adult on holiday just so that person could, what, help him with childcare? For kids they have no relationship with or responsibility for?

Sure crack on down that route if you think your ex is so crap that an unknown adult might be the safer option... 🙄

Artesia · 04/03/2025 20:51

Do you do all those things when the kids are with you- have a second adult with you, tell him where you are, send photos etc? Like it or not, he's a parent as much as you - you can't put conditions on it. None of your demands are about the kids they are about comforting you. That's not his job any more I'm afraid.

PotteringAlonggotkickedoutandhadtoreregister · 04/03/2025 21:32
  • Travels with another adult and knowing who it is so I can talk to the kids about it

you want him to go on holiday with another adult? Which one specifically? His parent? His friend? His girlfriend? Someone he’s paid for the week like a nanny? You?

Are you planning on paying for this person, or are you expecting him to pay for someone else to go on holiday?

you cannot do this - it’s incredibly unreasonable.

InsegnanteScozzese · 04/03/2025 21:32

Agree with others you can't force someone to go on holiday, or make him go with someone. Especially as it's unnecessary.

I don't think you need to ask anything on the list but you could ask as a kindness.

Could you ask to fly with them, stay elsewhere and fly home if that makes you particularly anxious. It would be very decent of your ex to agree to this though.

ShinyClouds · 04/03/2025 21:41

InsegnanteScozzese · 04/03/2025 21:32

Agree with others you can't force someone to go on holiday, or make him go with someone. Especially as it's unnecessary.

I don't think you need to ask anything on the list but you could ask as a kindness.

Could you ask to fly with them, stay elsewhere and fly home if that makes you particularly anxious. It would be very decent of your ex to agree to this though.

No no no!! This is truly mad!!

DaisyChain505 · 04/03/2025 21:45

Your requests are insane. Chill out and let your children’s father parent them.

Savemefromwetdog · 04/03/2025 21:46

Maybe he’ll get a nice young, hot girlfriend and he can take her… just to make OP feel secure of course.

Jolpie · 04/03/2025 21:50

InsegnanteScozzese · 04/03/2025 21:32

Agree with others you can't force someone to go on holiday, or make him go with someone. Especially as it's unnecessary.

I don't think you need to ask anything on the list but you could ask as a kindness.

Could you ask to fly with them, stay elsewhere and fly home if that makes you particularly anxious. It would be very decent of your ex to agree to this though.

No surely this is also a terrible idea! Chaperoning his holiday as she doesn’t trust him not to accidentally lose or hurt one of them is feeding into the bonkers-ness

I know it’s hard, I didn’t sleep well the first time my kids went on holiday with their dad but I didn’t let them know I was worrying as it would ruin it for them. It’s not about your feelings, sorry and OP really does need to seek professional help as this isn’t healthy at all

Babyboomtastic · 04/03/2025 21:51

I can't decide whether you have severe anxiety issues which are causing this or are just controlling.

Either way it needs to stop.

Let them have their holiday, stop all the nonsense that you have suggested - especially the bonkers requirement of extra adult, and unclench!

Jolpie · 04/03/2025 21:53

Babyboomtastic · 04/03/2025 21:51

I can't decide whether you have severe anxiety issues which are causing this or are just controlling.

Either way it needs to stop.

Let them have their holiday, stop all the nonsense that you have suggested - especially the bonkers requirement of extra adult, and unclench!

I agree I think it’s severe anxiety which is making it come across as very controlling. This kind of anxiety can absolutely destroy relationships over time if you don’t seek help for it as people can just never give enough reassurance

InsegnanteScozzese · 04/03/2025 21:53

@Jolpie I agree. I really think she needs to get her head round the fact that he's the parent too. I suppose I was hoping that she might say she couldn't afford the flights, accommodation etc and then realise how unreasonable it was to expect someone else to do that.

ArabellaWeird · 04/03/2025 22:19

You can no more ask him to take a chaperone on holiday with him than he can of you, can't you see how unreasonable this is?

Who is this other adult, do you have someone in mind? Does it matter? What's the purpose?

You absolutely need to redirect all this energy into accepting that you're no longer married and working out what your remit is now because you're way beyond it.

Oblomov25 · 05/03/2025 06:11

"It's just not safe for one adult to take young kids out of the UK on their own. "

GrinGrinGrin

Oh dear!

Oblomov25 · 05/03/2025 06:13

Op needs to see her GP for anxiety help.

UpsideDownChairs · 05/03/2025 06:42

I've flown, driven, and ferried alone with my two kids their entire lives - totally fine.

Bit frazzling sometimes, but totally fine. And once they've done it a few times they know the routine.

iPad, headphones, little rucksack each with snacks and a change of clothes, everything else checked in so parent has free hands. Headphones off when walking around and they follow me like ducklings (both cute and annoying - especially now one of them towers over me and still does it!)

edit: I'm required to share my ferries/flights with my ex, but not where I'm staying. I've never considered telling him if I have/haven't made flights - but then I have basically 100% care of the kids, so it doesn't affect him at all. If they were with him, then they're both old enough that they have phones I can find if I need to, but as a rule I don't bother. This is normal.

liveforsummer · 05/03/2025 06:47

Unless there is a big drop feed coming about how he's a careless parent or dc with very impulsive or challenging behaviours then I'm not understanding this. As a single parent I've travelled alone with my dc at far trickier ages than yours are. Can't see what's unsafe. You can't insist someone else goes. Are you going to pay for that?

Elektra1 · 05/03/2025 06:49

Think about it the other way around: what would you think if he told you you couldn't take the kids away for a few days on your own because it "wasn't safe"?

I've been a single parent for a large stretch of my parenting life and have taken my kids away on my own many times. Of course it's safe.

Gettingbysomehow · 05/03/2025 07:07

I think you are being ridiculous. Your husband isn't kidnapping them and emigrating to Saudi Arabia, they are quite old enough to be looked after by one adult, they are not babies. How do you think I managed as a single mum?
If they have a great relationship with their dad then what's the problem?
Do you just not like your ex very much.