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Original poster

Am I abandoning my children by going away?

577 replies

TravelBugMum · 28/10/2023 12:40

Hi. I have just resigned from my job of 20 years and finally have an opportunity to fulfil my desire to travel.
My children are both now settled in secondary school, years 7 & 8, ages 11 and 13.
I want to travel by myself for 2 months (9 weeks) as you can't take this amount of time off while you are working.
My husband of 14 years will be at home with the kids. But he is not happy & says I will be "psychologically damaging them for the rest of their lives if I go away for 9 weeks and abandoning them" . He is just about OK with 4 weeks away, but I don't feel this is long enough for Australia and New Zealand ( which he has no desire to visit.). We are working on a compromise...
What is the risk of me hurting my children by doing this?
i have talked to them both to explain why i want to go, but understand it is difficult for them to be honest with me. They dont want to upset me by telling me not to go.
Has any other mum done this?
Am I being " selfish and not a good mum" by wanting to go?
How can I reduce the risk of my children feeling abandoned ?
Please help.

OP posts:
cariadlet · 28/10/2023 12:43

I think 9 weeks is incredibly selfish and I would ssy that to a Mum or to a Dad who was happy to not only be away from their children for that long through choice (different if working in the services etc) but also expects their partner to do all of the parenting for that length of time.

MamaGhina · 28/10/2023 12:44

psychologically damaging them for the rest of their lives if I go away for 9 weeks and abandoning them huge overreaction, he just doesn’t want to be left to do the parenting alone for 9 weeks.

Lemsipper · 28/10/2023 12:44

As you asked;

I think you are selfish and I wouldn’t consider this something a good mum would do.

bullseyeboat · 28/10/2023 12:45

finally have an opportunity to fulfil my desire to travel.

You don't though, you have a family. That's your responsibility.

WeighDownOnMe · 28/10/2023 12:46

I have kids that age and I'm pretty laissez faire, but I wouldn't leave my husband to look after everything alone for 9 weeks. No way.

It just wouldn't feel fair although he is very capable and by his nature tends to support all my madcap ideas.

jugodenaranja · 28/10/2023 12:46

I see their point
you Want to voluntarily be away from your husband and children, living the life for 2 months, actually is this just a fantasy

DisplayPurposesOnly · 28/10/2023 12:46

My dad was in the navy so often away for long periods.

You know your children, if they would be unsettled or not. After all, it's easy to stay in touch these days, compared to when my dad was away. It sounds though that it's mainly your husband that is not happy.

Toloveandtowork · 28/10/2023 12:46

I can't belive these first replies. Ignore them and follow your desire. Everyone will be fine.

MrsJellybee · 28/10/2023 12:47

Not at 11 and 13.

Possibly 16 and 18.

Necadalooshi · 28/10/2023 12:47

I think it is totally fine, my Dad worked away a lot when I was young, we knew he loved and cared for us. I think the longest he was gone was a 5 week stint but we knew he was coming back and we were always with our Mum.

Because you want to visit NZ and Aus it makes sense to spend a lot of time there, you will miss them and they will miss you, it isn't a bad thing though. With the wonderful internet you can face time and send messages. My Dad had to fax us and it used to cost a lot back then.

Your Dh just doesn't want the responsibilit of sole parenting but I am going to assume he was happy to leave you every day to go to work whilst you were on maternity leave. And to be fair babies are much harder than your children's ages. Go, have a wonderful time.

bakewellbride · 28/10/2023 12:47

9 weeks far too long imo.

MrsSkylerWhite · 28/10/2023 12:49

9 weeks is too long. Why can’t you travel with your family?

NashvilleQueen · 28/10/2023 12:49

Have you asked your children how they feel? Only because I think mine would feel it was a bit mean that they couldn't go too.

dammit88 · 28/10/2023 12:49

Could you go for a shorter time but take them with you?

Disturbia81 · 28/10/2023 12:49

I wouldn't do it myself.

Just wondering the difference though between that and dads who work away!? They are still absent and that's what the kids think about.

ohtowinthelottery · 28/10/2023 12:49

I don't know about psychological damage but you don't have children if you want to travel in this way. You wait another few years and do it once they've left school and self sufficient.
Not saying you shouldn't be allowed to go on holiday and leave your DCs but it needs to be a couple of weeks max. I think your DH is very generous saying you can go for 4.

NashvilleQueen · 28/10/2023 12:49

Sorry ignore. I didn't RTFT.

Singsonggsu · 28/10/2023 12:49

I don’t think they’ll be psychologically damaged OP but 9 weeks away is a lot. I’ve travelled to Aus and seen Asia in a month it was definitely long enough. Can’t you compromise a bit and do some travel with your kids? Even if DH doesn’t want to go with you all. 9 weeks away on your own does seem selfish to me. Anyway would you not really miss them?
Do a shorter trip on your own, something with your kids and then wait til they’re older and travel more when they are not dependent on you. They have to come first.
I’m also reading between lines that may not be there but is this also about your relationship with DH and the need to get away?

Peachpicklepie · 28/10/2023 12:49

Too long. Wait a few years and then go.

Doggymummar · 28/10/2023 12:49

Absolutely do it, in a decade when they don't need you, or in the summer hols when everyone can go

Comedycook · 28/10/2023 12:50

Its incredibly selfish.

I'd be absolutely raging if my dh announced he was going to do this.

bullseyeboat · 28/10/2023 12:50

Working away is not the same as fucking off to fulfil your desire. It's the opposite in fact, most working people are doing it for their families.

NuffSaidSam · 28/10/2023 12:50

I don't think going away for nine weeks will cause them any long-term harm, but I think leaving them and the family unit to go off on a very extended personal trip will be damaging. I think telling them you want to spend all that time and money doing something amazing without them will be damaging. Why not go in the summer holidays and take them with you?

I expect your husband doesn't want to be left solo parenting for nine week while you're on a jolly and tbf I can absolutely see why! Unless there is some backstory where he regularly goes off for weeks at a time the YABU to expect this from him.

Dacadactyl · 28/10/2023 12:50

I totally get where youre coming from OP and id love to do something similar, however you have responsibilities now.

If my DH thought he could swan off to the other side of the world to fulfil his desire travel, leaving me at home with our 16 and 11 yo, he'd have another thing coming.

I think you need to wait til the kids are older tbh

TheShellBeach · 28/10/2023 12:50

Much too long to be away. I can't believe you're considering this.

I bet the children are wondering why you get the chance to do this, and they and their dad do not.

Very selfish of you.