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Original poster

Am I abandoning my children by going away?

577 replies

TravelBugMum · 28/10/2023 12:40

Hi. I have just resigned from my job of 20 years and finally have an opportunity to fulfil my desire to travel.
My children are both now settled in secondary school, years 7 & 8, ages 11 and 13.
I want to travel by myself for 2 months (9 weeks) as you can't take this amount of time off while you are working.
My husband of 14 years will be at home with the kids. But he is not happy & says I will be "psychologically damaging them for the rest of their lives if I go away for 9 weeks and abandoning them" . He is just about OK with 4 weeks away, but I don't feel this is long enough for Australia and New Zealand ( which he has no desire to visit.). We are working on a compromise...
What is the risk of me hurting my children by doing this?
i have talked to them both to explain why i want to go, but understand it is difficult for them to be honest with me. They dont want to upset me by telling me not to go.
Has any other mum done this?
Am I being " selfish and not a good mum" by wanting to go?
How can I reduce the risk of my children feeling abandoned ?
Please help.

OP posts:
letspopthekettleon · 31/10/2023 11:40

ohtowinthelottery · 28/10/2023 12:49

I don't know about psychological damage but you don't have children if you want to travel in this way. You wait another few years and do it once they've left school and self sufficient.
Not saying you shouldn't be allowed to go on holiday and leave your DCs but it needs to be a couple of weeks max. I think your DH is very generous saying you can go for 4.

This

notahappybunny7 · 31/10/2023 12:06

LuckySantangelo35 · 31/10/2023 11:35

@notahappybunny7

she sounds like a great mum to me

perhaps you would be a happier bunny if you took some time for yourself and reconnected with your interests and hobbies as well as being a mum.

Show quote history

I’ve got a lovely life thank you. I choose my life, planned it, do the things I want. That’s why I’m not bleating about the demands of children and needing to be as far away as possible for my sanity

Lentilweaver · 31/10/2023 12:13

I find people who leap in to tell random strangers what terrible parents they are, are usually deeply unhappy with the decisions they have made. Perhaps wondering if they could have had a little more time to themselves, and their DC would have turned out exactly the same. Because you know, parenting is not an exact science, and the fact that you feel guilty for leaving your DC for a day does not make you a better mum.

smcalister · 31/10/2023 12:15

First of all, your husband is a Pratt, he probably thinks women should do all the running about for his children as well, l think he would think of any other excuses if you didn't have kids, he might actually enjoy taking care of them for a change, the only person that will be hurting them is him , with any comments that he could make while you are away , and the children will pick up on this about him . Sit down with all your children and explain this calmly to them , without him being present. And tell them you will phone them every night. If your husband had always wanted to do something that he's always wanted to do, he would do it and lm sure you wouldn't mind him going, he just wants you there to do everything, well this is your thing, you go and do it and get it out of your system , hope you have a fantastic time .

Gcsunnyside23 · 31/10/2023 12:33

smcalister · 31/10/2023 12:15

First of all, your husband is a Pratt, he probably thinks women should do all the running about for his children as well, l think he would think of any other excuses if you didn't have kids, he might actually enjoy taking care of them for a change, the only person that will be hurting them is him , with any comments that he could make while you are away , and the children will pick up on this about him . Sit down with all your children and explain this calmly to them , without him being present. And tell them you will phone them every night. If your husband had always wanted to do something that he's always wanted to do, he would do it and lm sure you wouldn't mind him going, he just wants you there to do everything, well this is your thing, you go and do it and get it out of your system , hope you have a fantastic time .

There's a real assumption that the husband doesn't do anything as is, he may very well be a present an active partner in this family but that still doesn't mean he wants her to up and go for 9 weeks.
Something like this has to be a family decision otherwise there would be resentment. I would think this if it was either parent. Why not go for 4 weeks? Why not take regular breaks? Why not travel with the kids?
There is nothing at all wrong with time away but when you're a parent you need to think past your own needs and then you find a compromise so your needs are all met

Mumto2kids86 · 31/10/2023 19:07

Each to their own but I couldn’t do that to my kids. I don’t really see why you would need to be away that long.

concertgoer · 31/10/2023 19:39

I couldn’t do it. A lot can happen in 7/8 weeks.
may children wouldn’t like it.
& going for fun is very different to going for work. It could lead to resentment.
also having family in Australia it’s more difficult to have meaningful communication across the time zones. Possibly not so bad as you won’t be on such a schedule/routine as someone working. But it’s still not as easy as you might think …. & I don’t mean technology, I mean enthusiasm to communicate at opposite ends of the day.

Findinganewme · 31/10/2023 19:57

Wow, I’m surprised at some of the views on here.

I don’t know you’re feeling, or how well you are. The other consideration is how independent and emotionally settled your kids are. At their ages, it doesn’t seem reasonable to consider psychological damage! Would they feel abandoned?

can they join you during a school holiday that falls into your travels? Kids have so many holidays.

the other consideration is how your husband will adjust, given his work…can he wfh, do you have provisions for after school clubs, holiday camps, a nanny or whatever you need, for him to fly solo for that long?

Hotmessmum · 31/10/2023 20:52

Would you be happy for your husband to do this if the shoe was on the other foot?

CurlewKate · 01/11/2023 06:09

"Would you be happy for your husband to do this if the shoe was on the other foot?"

If the decision to go followed sensible, non emotionally blackmail-filled discussions with all involved then of course....

Angrycat2768 · 01/11/2023 07:32

Another consideration is just how much 'fun' would it be being a 24 hour flight away from the kids?? My DS aged 11 was trying to carve a pumpkin last night with a bread knife just before I left for a class and shouted out the door for DH to help him. I spent all class wondering if he'd stabbed himself in the hand. I would imagine it would be great for a couple of weeks but very lonely after that ( and Im an introvert and love my own company). Especially once the kids get bored of spending every morning on Zoom when they need to do stuff for school and don't want to talk for long if at all because theyve got used to life without you. The theory of these things is often not like the actuality.

Lentilweaver · 01/11/2023 07:35

The OP has long since updated that she is not going.

CurlewKate · 01/11/2023 08:54

@Angrycat2768 "My DS aged 11 was trying to carve a pumpkin last night with a bread knife just before I left for a class and shouted out the door for DH to help him. I spent all class wondering if he'd stabbed himself in the hand."
Because the magic presence of a mother would ensure he didn't.....

CurlewKate · 01/11/2023 08:55

@Lentilweaver "The OP has long since updated that she is not going."

Yes. I have rarely been so angry on behalf of a random mumsnetter.

peenaction · 01/11/2023 09:05

smcalister · 31/10/2023 12:15

First of all, your husband is a Pratt, he probably thinks women should do all the running about for his children as well, l think he would think of any other excuses if you didn't have kids, he might actually enjoy taking care of them for a change, the only person that will be hurting them is him , with any comments that he could make while you are away , and the children will pick up on this about him . Sit down with all your children and explain this calmly to them , without him being present. And tell them you will phone them every night. If your husband had always wanted to do something that he's always wanted to do, he would do it and lm sure you wouldn't mind him going, he just wants you there to do everything, well this is your thing, you go and do it and get it out of your system , hope you have a fantastic time .

The husband did suggest that she "only" go for four weeks, so that doesn't sound like a man who expects his wife to do everything. The OP never suggested that he is a useless father who never takes care of his children. I'm sure she would have said so if that were the case. You're inventing rubbish.

Relationships change when one person essentially says "fuck all of you, I'm going away for three months". IME, the person left at home gets used to being at home, and they and the children basically forge a life without the partner who has gone off to "fulfil their dreams". A friend of mine's partner did exactly this - gave up work and went to the other side of the world for three months because he had always wanted to, and could afford to. She didn't want him to do it, but she and the children (aged 10-15) managed fine. So fine that she didn't want him coming back into the happy and well-functioning set-up she and her children had established without him, and she told him not to bother. Obviously part of that was the resentment that he had been so monstrously selfish in the first place, but the fact that they had established a happy modus vivendi without him played a big part.

Angrycat2768 · 01/11/2023 11:59

CurlewKate · 01/11/2023 08:54

@Angrycat2768 "My DS aged 11 was trying to carve a pumpkin last night with a bread knife just before I left for a class and shouted out the door for DH to help him. I spent all class wondering if he'd stabbed himself in the hand."
Because the magic presence of a mother would ensure he didn't.....

Well yes, because there would have been someone there to make sure he didn't do it. Anyway, that's not the point. The point is that even though he was fine, I was worried about it and couldn't concentrate on my activity. I doubt any parent would be able to just bugger off halfway round the world without worrying about their children. It woukd completely ruin the experience.

MrsSkylerWhite · 01/11/2023 12:05

crumblingschools · 30/10/2023 22:20
**
I’m sure some children are impacted by being forces’ children”

They are. Our youngest was at an independent boarding school as a day pupil from year 3. A little girl’s parents were both quite senior officers in the forces and she was there pretty much every day, except the long summer holiday when she was usually posted with local boarders that the school arranged and spent most days at the holiday club. No family in the UK, mother’s family was in New Zealand. She wasn’t happy there: delighted when as an older pupil she was invited by friends to spend weekends/half terms with them in a family home.
The house parents were very nice but it’s not the same at all. I often wondered why her parents had a child.

Anastacia22 · 01/11/2023 12:40

Who says having kids is the end of the world for mothers. Every age has its challenges and i guess it depends how you choose to raise them to either be independent or dependent . You can still raise your kids and have a life. This has nothing to do with not having kids because of a free life. Who says you cannot live your life the way you want because of kids. You mentioned "assist with independence ( in what way do you mean. ) what does assist with independence mean to you and help them make decisions based on what. Just because she is travelling for 9 weeks;. What happened from birth until their present ages; hasn't she been raising them. Dnt they have a father. It's ridiculous honestly . Try not to respond out of frustration and if your one of those mothers who have chosen to neglect themselves because of kids then I,ll advice you to change as it will only lead to mental damage and envy of mothers who have a balance in life. I will never be guilty for leaving an 11 and 13 year old with their dad just for few weeks away . No chance. You are a human being too and do not forget the minute you neglect yourself; naturally you start to loose your kids so might as well do what is right for your health and well being. Life is too short and never get to the point of I wish I because it will be too late by then

EverythingYouDoIsaBalloon · 01/11/2023 13:09

Who says having kids is the end of the world for mothers.

Most of Mumsnet does, judging by this thread. It's so depressing.

cestlavielife · 01/11/2023 13:14

Take them with you for few weeks eg summer hols after gcse and a levels you can all go in mid june for two months
Wait til they left home for long trip

Go away for a,week or so now for your own thing

Comedycook · 01/11/2023 13:29

You mentioned "assist with independence ( in what way do you mean. ) what does assist with independence mean to you and help them make decisions based on what

Ok so just this week for example...my dd13 likes to occasionally make her own dinner. She is fine but often needs to ask me for advice on how to do certain things. In terms of decisions, this week she had the opportunity to go on a trip but wasn't sure if she wants to go so I discussed pros and cons with her. It's ridiculous to think that teenagers are fully independent and don't need help and advice. And yes they may have another parent but I actually enjoy and want to help them navigate life. 9 weeks is a long time to be willingly absent.

Sandalholidays12 · 01/11/2023 13:30

@EverythingYouDoIsaBalloon hardly. Most mums have said 9 weeks is too long. A lot of people don't have the funds for a 2 month long trip away. 4 weeks is more than enough.

LuckySantangelo35 · 01/11/2023 18:25

Angrycat2768 · 01/11/2023 07:32

Another consideration is just how much 'fun' would it be being a 24 hour flight away from the kids?? My DS aged 11 was trying to carve a pumpkin last night with a bread knife just before I left for a class and shouted out the door for DH to help him. I spent all class wondering if he'd stabbed himself in the hand. I would imagine it would be great for a couple of weeks but very lonely after that ( and Im an introvert and love my own company). Especially once the kids get bored of spending every morning on Zoom when they need to do stuff for school and don't want to talk for long if at all because theyve got used to life without you. The theory of these things is often not like the actuality.

@Angrycat2768

well his father would step in and stop him if you weren’t there. Simple. It’s not just women who can parent.

LuckySantangelo35 · 01/11/2023 18:27

EverythingYouDoIsaBalloon · 01/11/2023 13:09

Who says having kids is the end of the world for mothers.

Most of Mumsnet does, judging by this thread. It's so depressing.

@EverythingYouDoIsaBalloon

it IS the end of your world and your life if you become a mummy martyr to be fair.

You see women on here who don’t even take the time for exercise in case it detracts from precious ‘family time’!!

Angrycat2768 · 01/11/2023 18:49

LuckySantangelo35 · 01/11/2023 18:25

@Angrycat2768

well his father would step in and stop him if you weren’t there. Simple. It’s not just women who can parent.

Show quote history

Again, that's not the point. Being a parent ( both mother and father) does mean being concerned about their wellbeing and missing them when you are apart. Realistically how fun will a 9 week separation be when they are so far away? They will probably be fine, but if they are so fine they can't be bothered to get off the x box to speak to her after a couple of weeks how much enjoyment will the OP have out of that situation. How many people on this thread have left an 11 year old for 9 weeks to go on holiday? I bet not many, whatever you say online.