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Original poster

Am I abandoning my children by going away?

577 replies

TravelBugMum · 28/10/2023 12:40

Hi. I have just resigned from my job of 20 years and finally have an opportunity to fulfil my desire to travel.
My children are both now settled in secondary school, years 7 & 8, ages 11 and 13.
I want to travel by myself for 2 months (9 weeks) as you can't take this amount of time off while you are working.
My husband of 14 years will be at home with the kids. But he is not happy & says I will be "psychologically damaging them for the rest of their lives if I go away for 9 weeks and abandoning them" . He is just about OK with 4 weeks away, but I don't feel this is long enough for Australia and New Zealand ( which he has no desire to visit.). We are working on a compromise...
What is the risk of me hurting my children by doing this?
i have talked to them both to explain why i want to go, but understand it is difficult for them to be honest with me. They dont want to upset me by telling me not to go.
Has any other mum done this?
Am I being " selfish and not a good mum" by wanting to go?
How can I reduce the risk of my children feeling abandoned ?
Please help.

OP posts:
itsmyp4rty · 28/10/2023 13:47

I love to travel and have been away a lot on my own for a week or two. 9 weeks is a very long time though, I think I'd compromise at 6 - plan it really carefully and you will find you can fit in a hell of a lot in that time. I went to Thailand, Malaysia and Singapore in that and saw and did so much.

SpaceRaiders · 28/10/2023 13:47

Children who board often go weeks without seeing their parents, yours will survive just fine without you for 9 weeks. That being said, why can’t you take Dc with you during the summer holidays? I’d leave DH at home if he doesn’t fancy going.

itsmyp4rty · 28/10/2023 13:48

Oh and as for the things you can do - have a countdown chart so they can cross off the days (if they wouldn't consider that too childish). Keep in touch a lot. And mainly bring them back some cool presents.

sparklefresh · 28/10/2023 13:49

Have people who are asking why the OP can't do this in the summer, missed the fact that she is between jobs now? She may not get another chance to do this before she retires.

Pugdays · 28/10/2023 13:49

Your a family ,why should all that family money be spent on one person .
You are selfish to do this alone
Your children would massively benefit from this trip ,

kittenchaos2 · 28/10/2023 13:49

You will enjoy it much more when they are older and less dependent on you

KVick · 28/10/2023 13:49

They have a father. You'll be back. They'll be fine! Unless, of course, you're not planning on coming back. In which case, yes, I suppose they may feel abandoned.

loseweightpleasegod · 28/10/2023 13:52

Why don’t you take your kids for a 6 week holiday in the summer break?

ThereIbledit · 28/10/2023 13:52

Oh so much DRAMAH from your husband and on here!

He would be reasonable if he expressed a reluctance because he'd be left solo parenting for 2 months. If he'd have said that (and that might be what is underneath his ridiculous assertion) then you could have a sensible conversation about bringing in help or maybe cutting it shorter.

He is extremely unreasonable to say that a planned trip with a given start and end date, with all the video calls, emails, postcards, trinket prezzies, phone calls and texts that are available, would be "psychologically damaging" to your kids. That's total emotional blackmail and I would be calling it out as such.

LadyGaGasPokerFace · 28/10/2023 13:53

@sparklefresh she’s jacked her job in of 20 years and now she’s off for 9 weeks. On its own 9 weeks isn’t too bad leaving the kids, but it’s the ‘I’ve quit my job too’. Like ‘fuck this shit! I’m off!’ Very odd behaviour.
Im with @Lookatmytoes

BoothsChristmasBook · 28/10/2023 13:53

"This idea that you have to martyr your whole life at the alter of your children is a relatively new and silly one."

Bit dramatic. Is anyone saying she shouldn't have a short break or 3? No. And I don't remember mothers of the 70s and 80s fucking off on mini breaks like we do these days.

notahappybunny7 · 28/10/2023 13:53

Oh bollocks it’s a hugely selfish thing to do, if a woman was saying her husband wanted to piss off for 9 weeks you wouldn’t be giving him a blessing to go.

aswarmofmidges · 28/10/2023 13:54

loseweightpleasegod · 28/10/2023 13:52

Why don’t you take your kids for a 6 week holiday in the summer break?

Exactly

SleepingStandingUp · 28/10/2023 13:55

TravelBugMum · 28/10/2023 13:05

Thanks to everyone. Yes too selfish. I will think again when the children are older.

He's happy with a month so I'd reassess and look at what you can do in that time. Plenty of places doable for a month

johnd2 · 28/10/2023 13:57

Think of it this way, you are teaching them that your needs matter and you are not there in service of everyone else all the time. That's a healthy lesson.
And lots of jobs one of the parents are away for long periods of time, so it's not fundamentally damaging to children.
Unless there's a big drip feed that their father is abusive and they are scared of him.

For another perspective if my partner said this I would be nervous about doing everything myself for this time, but I would also be glad they can do something to be themselves for a relatively short period in the grand scheme. But I am not your partner so he will feel differently from me. (Our children are 1 and 4 which may make a difference)

Good luck and I hope you can work it out.

notahappybunny7 · 28/10/2023 13:57

No. Kids will often just agree with what they know their parents want to keep the peace.

ThisIsntThe80sPat · 28/10/2023 13:58

Is this for real??

Busydayahead · 28/10/2023 13:58

It is selfish OP. Can you travel when the children are older.

BoohooWoohoo · 28/10/2023 13:58

If your h will do 4 weeks then maybe do the Australia/NZ trip now then plan another long trip once youngest is older. You could even promise yourself to leave the new job in 10 years and do the 9 week trip then.

ThereIbledit · 28/10/2023 13:58

notahappybunny7 · 28/10/2023 13:53

Oh bollocks it’s a hugely selfish thing to do, if a woman was saying her husband wanted to piss off for 9 weeks you wouldn’t be giving him a blessing to go.

I think being "selfish" (aka putting oneself first for two months) has an unnecessarily poor reputation when it's women who have spent the majority of their life facilitating the careers and families of their husbands, and the lives of their children.

If it was a woman posting about her husband you just know the husband wouldn't have been a hands-on father all through the child-raising years, has prioritised his sport hobby 3 x a week and all weekends for the last 10 years, has stag dos away and moans about the woman going on a spa weekend. It's highly unlikely that it would be like for like.

TomatoSandwiches · 28/10/2023 13:59

Why are people suggesting she waits until the summer hols to take the children?
Firstly she would hopefully be in employment by then and thus this opportunity will be gone.
Secondly, why can't a mother do something for herself on her own for goodness sake!

Women need to do more things that make them happy rather than sacrifice any and every tiny little bits of themselves just because they have children.
It needs to be normalised because the replies on this thread are bloody depressing and so misogynistic.

notahappybunny7 · 28/10/2023 13:59

I model adventure and independence to my child by taking her with me! Do you even have kids??? This is about as selfish as you can get.

Mirabai · 28/10/2023 14:00

ThereIbledit · 28/10/2023 13:58

I think being "selfish" (aka putting oneself first for two months) has an unnecessarily poor reputation when it's women who have spent the majority of their life facilitating the careers and families of their husbands, and the lives of their children.

If it was a woman posting about her husband you just know the husband wouldn't have been a hands-on father all through the child-raising years, has prioritised his sport hobby 3 x a week and all weekends for the last 10 years, has stag dos away and moans about the woman going on a spa weekend. It's highly unlikely that it would be like for like.

Show quote history

I agree. It doesn’t hurt for women to prioritise themselves sometimes.

Sandalholidays12 · 28/10/2023 14:00

I think 9 weeks is too long to leave your DH. You are not a single person OP. 4 weeks is a fair compromise. How would you feel if your DH left you for 9 weeks?

ThereIbledit · 28/10/2023 14:01

loseweightpleasegod · 28/10/2023 13:52

Why don’t you take your kids for a 6 week holiday in the summer break?

Some say that women are people in their own right these days and may want to do things that wouldn't suit their children. I know, it's a positively terrifying thought. I blame the feminists.