Am I abandoning my children by going away?

[TravelBugMum]

Hi. I have just resigned from my job of 20 years and finally have an opportunity to fulfil my desire to travel.
My children are both now settled in secondary school, years 7 & 8, ages 11 and 13.
I want to travel by myself for 2 months (9 weeks) as you can't take this amount of time off while you are working.
My husband of 14 years will be at home with the kids. But he is not happy & says I will be "psychologically damaging them for the rest of their lives if I go away for 9 weeks and abandoning them" . He is just about OK with 4 weeks away, but I don't feel this is long enough for Australia and New Zealand ( which he has no desire to visit.). We are working on a compromise...
What is the risk of me hurting my children by doing this?
i have talked to them both to explain why i want to go, but understand it is difficult for them to be honest with me. They dont want to upset me by telling me not to go.
Has any other mum done this?
Am I being " selfish and not a good mum" by wanting to go?
How can I reduce the risk of my children feeling abandoned ?
Please help.

Hm, I actually think people are being quite dramatic on this thread. My mam always wanted to travel but had her first kid young and then kept going to 7. When the youngest was 10 or so I think and I was 14 ish she went travelling for a couple of months with her sister because the opportunity finally struck to do so.

We were old enough to understand this was a dream of hers, one that she'd put to bed for nearly two decades to raise us, and none of us were scarred or traumatised by her being gone. Even me, and I was the renegade problem child. Sure we missed her like crazy, and my dad had a ball trying to parent all of us (god bless my grandparents for helping him or I think it'd have finished him off).

But honestly the joy it brought her and the light in her when she came back was worth missing her for 2-3 months or whatever it was. Besides, every day you see someone on here talking about their husband working away for weeks or months at a time and no one bats an eyelid. Why is it always only women, mothers, who are expected to throw away all their dreams and maintain an utterly selfless existence for the rest of time as soon as they have children?

You know your DCs personality so you know if leaving them for 2 months will have a long lasting effect or not. Your DH is obviously not happy about having to do all the ‘wife work’ for that long.

Personally I’d have left it until DCs were at least 14/15 and more self sufficient but this opportunity has fallen now so I’d probably compromise to 6 weeks in the knowledge that if my DH wanted to go away, I’d facilitate that as well, and also if anyone was struggling I’d come back early.

I highly doubt there would be long lasting psychological effects. They’re not toddlers who will think you’ve abandoned them. Technology means you can talk to them as if you’re with them nowadays.

If it's fine for husbands to bugger off for months to climb Everest or trek the Amazon, then it's fine for you.

9 weeks may not damage them but it could, depending on what your relationship is already like and how they feel treated generally, impact on your relationship with them.

Do they all get to enjoy special holidays, are your finances so good that this doesn’t take from the family? Going for that long, at once implies unhappiness which could well be perceived at unhappiness with them. It feels a bit me and then as outlined. What do they say - isn’t that the important part? I have loads of short breaks but would think this was taking the piss until they were older.

Go. If you were posting about your male DP wanting a big adventure you'd be selfish for not 'letting' him.

This won't damage your children op, go and enjoy yourself, you'll come back a happier wife and mother.

I think you’re selfish

i was expecting you to say kids are 18+ but I wouldn’t be going away when they’re that age

Yeah I agree with this. We really need to drop this mindset that being selfish is wrong especially for women/parents. The kids would be with their father ffs not palmed off to an orphanage for 9 weeks. Women could do with being more selfish on the whole

Surely it is the definition of selfish. She is doing it because she wants to do it. How can it benefit the children or her husband in any way? I doubt they would be at all interested in her stories about what she did while they all stayed at home.

I think any parent who seriously considers going on a 2 month holiday without their DC probably has the type of relationship with their DC that would enable them all to cope with this. Perhaps the OP's DH already does the bulk of the parenting or the DC are very independent.

Only the OP knows whether her DC genuinely wouldn't mind her not being there for 9 weeks and could cope without her.

Ask the children. If they are happy, it could be a great opportunity for them to build up their relationship with their dad and bond. My child is very close to their father and loves 'their time' but TBH would not want me to go away for more than a few days.

I don’t think they’ll be psychologically damaged, or feel abandoned, but it does seem a long time. With modern technology, you can FaceTime and keep in contact alot better and easier than in the past.

Couldn’t you travel with your children? Go on some adventures as a family.

what happens when you get back? Will you get another job, and become a full-time mum again, or feel restless for more adventure and more living the single life?

To be fair, if someone’s dh was suggesting 9 weeks away the general suggestions would be that he had checked out of the marriage or was having a crisis.

"Women could do with being more selfish on the whole"

Completely agree. Not to the level the OP has suggested though.

Yes, that thought crossed my mind.

When I read the title, 'going away' is a holiday. You're fucking off for 2 months, quite different.

YABU.

That sounds amazing in 5 years time

I have been in your husband’s position.

He went, but the whole thing was just another manifestation of his profound selfishness; it was just another phase of his midlife crisis.

It was wonderful without him, a respite that helped me know our marriage was over. We separated three months after he came back.

The selfishness which drove him to do that, continues to propel him away from his children.

But none of it, starting from his ill conceived idea, was out of character for him.

Oh for god's sake. Of course it's ok. Plenty of military families, including my own, have a parent away for months at a stretch - yes, it's work, but it's work they chose to do. You get one life.
Your husband doesn't want to be bothered doing the parenting for a few weeks, that's all.
This idea that you have to martyr your whole life at the alter of your children is a relatively new and silly one.

Can’t you do it during summer hols and take the children with you? Could be an amazing experience for them

Can you go in the summer holidays, and take your DC with you? You could go for 6 weeks then… your DH is more likely to be ok with you tacking another 2 weeks on at the end if you need to be away for 8 weeks.

Haha, snap, @Jl2014

How patronising. If you want a few weeks seeing the world whilst the children are cared for by their perfectly competent father, you must be psychologically disturbed or mentally ill? Really?

Dear god
How utterly selfish of you
If my husband wanted to do this ,I'd tell him to not bother coming back .
Your damaging your marriage and kids
But thankfully they have their dad

I wouldn't and even if I did, I'd never be able to enjoy out of guilt and worrying about them. Doesn't make me a better mum, it's just the way I am. I wouldn't worry about anything major, but more fallings out etc, and just them maybe wanting a cuddle and some motherly fluff.