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Original poster

Am I abandoning my children by going away?

577 replies

TravelBugMum · 28/10/2023 12:40

Hi. I have just resigned from my job of 20 years and finally have an opportunity to fulfil my desire to travel.
My children are both now settled in secondary school, years 7 & 8, ages 11 and 13.
I want to travel by myself for 2 months (9 weeks) as you can't take this amount of time off while you are working.
My husband of 14 years will be at home with the kids. But he is not happy & says I will be "psychologically damaging them for the rest of their lives if I go away for 9 weeks and abandoning them" . He is just about OK with 4 weeks away, but I don't feel this is long enough for Australia and New Zealand ( which he has no desire to visit.). We are working on a compromise...
What is the risk of me hurting my children by doing this?
i have talked to them both to explain why i want to go, but understand it is difficult for them to be honest with me. They dont want to upset me by telling me not to go.
Has any other mum done this?
Am I being " selfish and not a good mum" by wanting to go?
How can I reduce the risk of my children feeling abandoned ?
Please help.

OP posts:
chopc · 28/10/2023 13:12

And here I am feeling guilty about four nights away for a special event .......

SallyWD · 28/10/2023 13:13

My children are the same age as yours. Since I've been a mother I've gone away many times for long weekends with friends etc. I think this is good and healthy because you remain a person not just "Mum". However I would not go away for 9 weeks. That's way too long. Mu DH did have to work abroad for a couple of months but we made sure we didn't go longer than 10 days without seeing him. He travelled here at weekends or we went there.
I do think 9 weeks will have a detrimental effect on your children.

MsAnnFrope · 28/10/2023 13:15

I think I’d miss DD if I was away for that long and she would be straight up horrified I wasn’t taking her.
I’m normally absolutely in favour of being able to parent and follow your dreams but I’d struggle with this one.
but those saying working away is different - I call bullshit, yes my DH is providing an income but he’s doing it in a highly valued career which he is passionate about, seeing interesting places and being housed and fed without any domestic stress. I also work for our family income without those perks.

roseheartfly · 28/10/2023 13:17

I can't believe you've even thought this never mind discussed it.

Wait until they are older.

What happens if on one week one the 11 year old needs/misses their mum? Hurts themselves? Gets sick.

Youcancallmeirrelevant · 28/10/2023 13:18

roseheartfly · 28/10/2023 13:17

I can't believe you've even thought this never mind discussed it.

Wait until they are older.

What happens if on one week one the 11 year old needs/misses their mum? Hurts themselves? Gets sick.

They have a dad...

And if they miss mum, they can call/message her. At that age the childten are at school/parents at work so the amount of hours you spend together each day isn't many anyway

BoothsChristmasBook · 28/10/2023 13:19

"Why can't OP be a little bit selfish? Genuine question."

She can. A week in Spain, a few nights in Rome...9 weeks on the other side of the world. Through choice? It's not at all the same as having to go away for work.

Work is a commitment that you can't get out of and the kids know that it's not because the parent wants to leave, but because they have to.

MojoDojoCasaHouse · 28/10/2023 13:20

I get why you would want to do that but 9 weeks for you to indulge yourself is far too long. Working away is different. Kids will still miss the parent but the intention is totally different and that matters. I'd say 3 weeks is fair, 4 maximum. My DH went away for 3 weeks when DC were 12 and 15 with my blessing. He had an amazing adventure but bit missed the three of us. The most I have done in one go was 5 nights. I'm happy to leave them for 2-3 nights a few times a year but I chose to have kids and teenagers do need their parents. Mine do anyway, their emotional needs are greater now as they navigate the social and academic pressures of secondary school.

BoothsChristmasBook · 28/10/2023 13:21

"yes my DH is providing an income but he’s doing it in a highly valued career which he is passionate about, seeing interesting places and being housed and fed without any domestic stress. I also work for our family income without those perks."

Fuck me 🤣 we're not saying it is different in your eyes. This isn't about you! We mean it's different in the eyes of the children and how it makes them feel.

fridaynight1 · 28/10/2023 13:21

Could you not go in the school summer holidays and take the kids? You could have ‘a grand adventure’ together. Your DH could stay at home if he doesn’t want to go.

HoHoHoliday · 28/10/2023 13:23

On one hand, your husband is being ridiculous and melodramatic by saying you will be "psychologically damaging them for the rest of their lives if I go away for 9 weeks and abandoning them". That's just silly. You would not be abandoning them, you would be taking a planned trip and presumably keeping in regular contact with them all. Yes, they will miss you, but there is no psychological damage.

On the other hand, if I was the married parent of two kids I would not want to be left to do solo parenting for 9 weeks while my partner was off having fun. It's hard work.

Can you compromise and go for one month instead of two? Choose one country instead of two?

Additional thought - how strong is your marriage? It seems you are at odds over this and I wonder if there is more conflict. Speaking as someone who's parents often did this, spending length of time apart may kill your relationship. He will be at home living normal life and learning to manage the kids alone. You will be off having adventures, meeting new friends, seeing new sights, having new experiences. It's hard to just slot back into normalcy after that.

purplepencilcase · 28/10/2023 13:24

TravelBugMum · 28/10/2023 12:40

Hi. I have just resigned from my job of 20 years and finally have an opportunity to fulfil my desire to travel.
My children are both now settled in secondary school, years 7 & 8, ages 11 and 13.
I want to travel by myself for 2 months (9 weeks) as you can't take this amount of time off while you are working.
My husband of 14 years will be at home with the kids. But he is not happy & says I will be "psychologically damaging them for the rest of their lives if I go away for 9 weeks and abandoning them" . He is just about OK with 4 weeks away, but I don't feel this is long enough for Australia and New Zealand ( which he has no desire to visit.). We are working on a compromise...
What is the risk of me hurting my children by doing this?
i have talked to them both to explain why i want to go, but understand it is difficult for them to be honest with me. They dont want to upset me by telling me not to go.
Has any other mum done this?
Am I being " selfish and not a good mum" by wanting to go?
How can I reduce the risk of my children feeling abandoned ?
Please help.

My mum went for 6 months! I was a teenager but the youngest about 4 or 5. She'd worked bloody hard and deserved it, we were absolutely fine about her going. No lasting damage at all. Good for you I say.

Mischance · 28/10/2023 13:24

Do it - but with your family. Do not underestimate how much children of that age need their Mums. And how much they might get out of such a trip. Why is it only you who should enjoy this?

And your OH needs to be fully on board with this if it is to work. He has offered to compromise on 4 weeks - that is plenty of time.

You have resigned your job and he has become the breadwinner and will have to shoulder all the responsibilities of the family. You really do need to take his views into account.

If this were the other way around and a woman posted on here that this is what her OH proposed to do ..............

BethDuttonsTwin · 28/10/2023 13:25

My Dad used to go away for up six months at a time for work. We knew he had to do it but we absolutely hated it and wished he didn't have to. I well remember the emptiness watching him leave and after he'd gone and we knew we wouldn't see him for so long.

I'd never purposely make my child feel that way for non essential reasons.

Mirabai · 28/10/2023 13:25

I’m torn because on the one hand it’s a bit shit to leave your partner to parent single-handedly for a holiday rather than work; on the other hand a man wouldn’t hesitate to take the trip and all his male friends would be whooping him along. I think women are far more weighed down by duty and less focused on their own needs and self-development.

That said, 2 months is a long time to leave 4 kids that age, so perhaps compromise on 6 weeks?

I’d be less concerned with damage to the children and more with the damage to the marriage.

Kedece2410 · 28/10/2023 13:25

Your Dh just doesn't want the responsibilit of sole parenting but I am going to assume he was happy to leave you every day to go to work whilst you were on maternity leave

Slight difference between him going to work every day & her fucking off for 9 weeks

Imagine the reaction if the OP had posted her husband wanted to take off for 9 weeks without his family. There would be not one single post in support of that.

pizzaHeart · 28/10/2023 13:26

NashvilleQueen · 28/10/2023 12:49

Have you asked your children how they feel? Only because I think mine would feel it was a bit mean that they couldn't go too.

This^
I think 9 weeks a bit too long for another parent to stay alone, so his compromise of 4 weeks is very very good. However my main question is why can’t you travel and see the world with your family? I don’t begrudge you solo travel at all, a lot of parents do it in turns weekend here and weekend there, your DH might want to go to these places as well why not? but it looks like you want to go away from them, it’s just the feel.

dottiedodah · 28/10/2023 13:27

I think this is a bit too long really. I think they would understand if you were working ,This seems unfair to your family .Maybe you could go out for say 6 weeks and they join for a couple of weeks over Christmas? Also it would be nice for them to see Australia as well?

TakeMe2Insanity · 28/10/2023 13:27

As long as you’d allow your dh the same amount of time way.

Personally I wouldn’t it’s too long.

Smartiepants79 · 28/10/2023 13:30

They will of course be fine.
BUT if my DH said he wanted to leave me to do all the parenting, householding and working for 2 months just so he could go off on a jolly I’d be deeply unimpressed. He has been away for several weeks before but only because of work.
I’d be much more concerned about the impact on my marriage rather than the impact on my children.
I think the 4 weeks is a very fair compromise.

TeaGinandFags · 28/10/2023 13:30

Toloveandtowork · 28/10/2023 12:46

I can't belive these first replies. Ignore them and follow your desire. Everyone will be fine.

This.

DH doesn't want to be a single parent forca few weeks. He'll survive. It's 9 weeks not 9 months.

Notmetoo · 28/10/2023 13:31

I couldn't leave my children for that length of time. 9 weeks is a long time for children. So yes I do think it is selfish. At 11and 13 they are both young and probably going through a lot of changes I their lives.
Why can't you wait until they have grown up?
We all have dreams we put in hold for our children I think that is what good parents do. Mother's and father's.

itsallnewnow · 28/10/2023 13:31

MamaGhina · 28/10/2023 12:44

psychologically damaging them for the rest of their lives if I go away for 9 weeks and abandoning them huge overreaction, he just doesn’t want to be left to do the parenting alone for 9 weeks.

Which is sort of fair, I'd be annoyed at DH to be fair 9 weeks is a long time to sack off your responsibilities when you have kids

Carouselfish · 28/10/2023 13:31

I think it is fine if you keep in regular contact.
Video calls. Postcards. Fun surprises sent to them. Making an app where they can track you and look up where you are.
I don't think there is anything wrong with it. You aren't leaving forever. You aren't usually a distant parent presumably.
I think you will be instilling a sense of adventure and curiosity about the world in them. I think your husband is just a bit jealous.
As long as you factor them in somehow as I said above so they don't feel like you have forgotten them.
I did ten days driving alone in Montana when my dd was 3. It was the first time I had just broadly smiled all to myself for years, zooming along the highway, my music on, miles of open space. Of course, before someone says it, I smiled at home too, but smiling ALONE, having that bit of freedom. Heaven.

ohsobroody · 28/10/2023 13:33

You could have a fabulous time and do a good chunk of it in a month, or do a month on your own and have kids fly unaccompanied minors and join you for a fortnight so you get 6 weeks travel. Kids only miss you for a month and your husband gets two weeks to himslef to do as he pleases

Maddy70 · 28/10/2023 13:33

9 weeks is selfish. Wait until they're older to do that length of time.

I used tinwork away for a couple of months at a time. It did affect my kids. Abd that wasn't because I was off on a jolly , I was putting food on the table.

Go for 2 or 3 weeks bit no longer